Talking to my wife about finances

[street]

My wife does all the bill paying and all the banking business from day one, I take care of investments.
As far as sitting down and talking investments she has no interest. We both have are engaged in our part we do but beyond that for planning etc. there is no need to try. What I would say we need to do, she would say fine, and vise versa.

 

[Vincenzo Corleone]

My wife does all the bill paying and all the banking business from day one, I take care of investments.
As far as sitting down and talking investments she has no interest. We both have are engaged in our part we do but beyond that for planning etc. there is no need to try. What I would say we need to do, she would say fine, and vise versa.

Same here. I've tried to get her interested. I've tried to get her to the point where she can be knowledgeable in speaking with me about our finances as they relate to early retirement - withdrawal rates, withdrawal strategies, etc. She has no interest and leaves it all to me.

I have to say, while I enjoy handling our investments and crunching numbers to see how good we are with early retirement, it's a little stressful, especially since I left the workforce at the end of 2017 with the firm belief that we'll have a comfortable retirement, while she still works (to become eligible for retiree benefits). My wife is on-board with early-retirement, but only because I think we can do it and she trusts me. I wish she was knowledgeable enough to be able to come to that conclusion herself - or to challenge me in my belief - just based on our numbers.

 

[street]

Vincenzo Corleone, when I think about it, we may have the best way, to have in a marriage thou.
Each take a part of the financing but not trying to fight over what needs to be done. Not showing an interest but still know what is happening, might be a great combination. Way better then both wanting to be boss over each other, when it comes to finances. At least there is a mutual agreement on money but next to nothing on talking about it.

 

[cbo111]

My wife does all the bill paying and all the banking business from day one, I take care of investments.
As far as sitting down and talking investments she has no interest. We both have are engaged in our part we do but beyond that for planning etc. there is no need to try. What I would say we need to do, she would say fine, and vise versa.

+1. Exactly the same in my household. DW handles all day-to-day bills and is very intelligent. But when I try to explain our taxable vs nontaxable, AA, etc, she glazes over very quickly.

 

[Steve s]

I'm truly afraid to start involving the DW in our investments decisions because I will suddenly learn I have been doing it the wrong way over the last 35 years.

 

[braumeister]

Seems like the majority of us are similar to me. Our spouse is uninterested but more than smart enough to pick it up quickly when we get hit by the beer truck, so leaving a bit of written guidance is enough.

I really like cheese too.

 

[RVplusDog]

My DH is super interested and involved. We each manage our own investments, often sharing ideas and strategies. There is only a small flow-through bucket for joint expenses - everything else is managed separately. He has always out-earned me and thus had more to invest, so his accounts are ahead of mine. I’m slowly catching up, though. Maybe. He has a good record but I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night with some of his investments. I’m more conservative and make much smaller “bets”. I wouldn’t want to manage a spouse’s money.

 

[sengsational]

The original post is just like what might happen in my house. She has her own bank account that has been getting regular installments for the purchases she manages (groceries and her stuff). We each use the same software to manage financial accounts, so she could open my computer and see the complete financial picture, but we've never done any training.

My dad had a folder called "Ducks on a row" . I should probably make one like that.

 

[kcowan]

In our marriage, we have divided responsibilities: I look after saving and investing and she handles spending. She handles all the cooking wit a few exceptions and I handle cleanup. I do shopping for big commodities and she handles the small stuff needed for her recipes.

I have documented everything but she refuses to do a trial run.

I have heart and lung problems properly medicated. So far so,good. We do have an AUM advisor for 8% of our net worth that she trusts and he will handle everything if I pass first.

I have a large term life policy that will cover off the loss of my pension and the extra AUM fees.

(I could shift to a few ETFs but want to defer the capital gains hit.)

 

[Out-to-Lunch]

I handle all the finances, bill paying, and investment stuff. But my DW knows everything about all of it. We talk from time to time about our investments and strategies, and she understands everything and remembers minutia of it from the last time we discussed it. She doesn't have a great deal of interest in handling this, but she would be more than capable (and willing) to if need be. (I suppose I could mention that she has a Ph.D. in Physics and is running a small business...)

 

[corn18]

Another Financially engaged DW here. In fact I was the main engineer of our ER planning. And DH and I have discussed it often for years.

With respect to the OP - is this new or has this always been your marriage? If you've just never had these talks until now, and after decades you're now finding this imbalance, kinda odd to project it here in such unflattering terms (she might not do math but no doubt she can read...)

Either way, OP I think you're getting really close to your ER date and you've made a number of threads "in the weeds" of those final plans. So if your conversations at home, of late, are saturated with financial talk, yeah...she might just be tuning out at this point. Maybe change the subject for a while?

This is nothing new. My wife is like the oracle in The Matrix. She provides clarity where I add unnecessary complexity. I do drive her nuts with my obsessive compulsive over analysis. I react to her the same way when she starts talking about area rugs.

 

[Tiger8693]

Due to some recent health issues, my wife became concerned that she knew "nothing' about any of our finances. I was glad for that, and created a 2 page documment of Master PW for password saver, and showing accounts and PW's for all finances.

I don't think she understands beyond checking and savings however, so I have to figure out a way to ehlp wiht that in the event of kicking the proverbial bucket....

 

[MRG]

I handle the gathering and she spends it. We have investments at Fidelity, that I manage, and Vanguard, that's under PAS. I don't need PAS but the plan is if I go first call Vanguard and pull the money over and let them do it. It's an inexpensive plan that we both feel comfortable with. We need to go through out estate plan and update it. I'll be adding a written section for DW.

 

[W2R]

I think that many couples have just one who does the finances, pays the bills, and makes financial decisions. If that person is doing a good job, the other person really has no incentive to get involved since they can't do much other than to express admiration.

Asking the non-involved spouse to pay attention to what is being done, is sort of like asking the spouse that doesn't clean the toilets to closely examine how clean the toilets are in every crevice and side of them. Not very appealing.

I was always the one who did the finances for my late ex and me during our 23 year marriage. This made sense because for his job he had to be out at sea on a ship more than he was home. He was so uninterested in anything having to do with bill paying or personal finance that when I divorced him, he didn't even know how to write a check (despite being brilliant with electronics, which he did for a living!). Luckily our grown daughter decided to live with him for that first year while he made the transition to being divorced, or else I would have worried about him.

A few months before my father died (back in 1980, from terminal cancer), he assembled a loose leaf notebook for my mother with clear, simple explanations of everything he did that she might not know how to do. I think that's a great idea for couples.

It's easier for us single folks because we not only do everything, we don't have to argue about it or teach the spouse how to do it. I cannot imagine what a Boglehead-ish person married to a day trader must go through.

 

[friar1610]

+1. Exactly the same in my household. DW handles all day-to-day bills and is very intelligent. But when I try to explain our taxable vs nontaxable, AA, etc, she glazes over very quickly.

Add one more to that list.

 

[Sue J]

My DH is the financially disengaged one. He just doesn’t care and trusts me completely. But he is an adult with a pension that supports us and he just prefers to be unplugged from it all.

I have tried to engage him in this and he will nod and smile. I would love it if he understood how well we are doing but he has no interest outside of “can I buy this?” Well, if you looked at a bank account or a spreadsheet (foreign language) you wouldn’t have to ask me, you could decide for yourself!

If I die first he knows to look for the links in my bookmarks. But really, the sons are probably going to have to step in.

He’s such a wonderful guy. Excellent husband, dad, grandpa, human being. Money, numbers, etc is just not his thing and he chooses to keep it that way.

 

[Calico]

I'm Dead, Now What

I am single, and I plan to prepare something like this for whomever ends up dealing with my estate, etc.

https://www.amazon.com/Important-In...&qid=1613581153&sprefix=im+dea,aps,188&sr=8-3

 

[mountainsoft]

I manage all of our finances and retirement planning. We have no debt so my wife isn't too concerned with our day-to-day spending. Most things are automated anyway. Money comes in and bills get paid without having to do much of anything other than record them in our records. I'm kind of a stickler about downloading or scanning every statement and organizing them on a secured drive. I've NEVER needed them for anything, but I keep doing it anyway.

Once or twice a year she might get nervous about our planned retirement date. So we sit down together and walk through everything till she feels comfortable again. That's usually all she needs.

I do keep a binder with all of our account numbers, bills that need paid, how money gets transferred, etc. I'm sure there will be a period of adjustment if I die first, but the information in that binder should be enough to get her up to date with our finances.

I have managed our finances most of our marriage. She did decide she wanted to do it for a year or two, but wasn't as detailed (OCD) as I am. She tended to get occupied with other things and procrastinate on bill paying. Still, everything got paid and we never had a problem under her watch. She just had a different style than me. Once I'm gone she'll probably do things differently than I do, but I'm sure she'll manage just fine.

 

[skyking1]

Our survivor situation will be simple. I plan on doing Roth conversions to minimize her tax liability. She'll have my pension, the Social security, and mostly a bucket of tax free funds. I plan on pruning her T-IRAs down to where an RMD won't sting too bad. I don't have any so that's not a worry

 

[Tiger8693]

I am single, and I plan to prepare something like this for whomever ends up dealing with my estate, etc.

https://www.amazon.com/Important-In...&qid=1613581153&sprefix=im+dea,aps,188&sr=8-3

I like the premise, unfortunately you can't really tell what is included in the financial section. If you don't mind, if you have it or get it, shoot me a PM or post here how detailed this is. Thanks!

 

[livingalmostlarge]

Um DH started a new job today. About 2 weeks ago he said "hey we should sit down and talk about a budget. I said anytime." He then said "do we have enough?" I said "yes". He said great and we haven't done anything about it. I guess it's on our to do list. FWIW I'm the wife and have done everything for 20+ years of investments and taxes. But I care more. he's more than capable and smart enough to catch everything I've done. I just kinda do stuff and sometimes he gets upset but usually doesn't even recall asking or hearing me say something.

 

[TeeRuh]

I generated a file and saved it to the desktop for DW. When she saw that I had named it "Rick's Dead" she made me rename it. (For Connie with Love) She usually but not always appreciated my humor! Unfortunately I recently lost her so I need to work up a plan B for DD.


t.r.

 

[Bigdawg]

I generated a file and saved it to the desktop for DW. When she saw that I had named it "Rick's Dead" she made me rename it. (For Connie with Love) She usually but not always appreciated my humor! Unfortunately I recently lost her so I need to work up a plan B for DD.


t.r.

TR, so sorry for your loss.

 

[EastWest Gal]

I generated a file and saved it to the desktop for DW. When she saw that I had named it "Rick's Dead" she made me rename it. (For Connie with Love) She usually but not always appreciated my humor! Unfortunately I recently lost her so I need to work up a plan B for DD.


t.r.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I've been trying to bring DH and DS up to spead in this regard and I am frustrated by their lack of interest. Forgive me, but could we rename this thread with the word "spouse" instead of "wife"? Many of us females here are the breadwinners and the financial gurus in our households.

Read the posts by Teacher Terry. And others. It is really annoying that the roles of gender are so ingrained for some, but not for many. I was the breadwinner since our marriage vows in 1984 (planned in advance), and have been the leader in our family in terms of finances and in many other ways.

To put it bluntly, DH remains clueless about finances, except for bill-paying, despite sitting in on every meeting with financial advisors since 1993. He understands, but is not engaged in that aspect of our lives.

 

[iloveyoga]

Wife here too, and I have always done all the investments and finances. DH does not put his index fingers in his nose, but that is pretty funny.

I have tried to set things up as simply as possible and I also let our son know the basic info and where to find things so he can help if needed.