tell a funny story about yourself

[simple girl]

OK, here's a really embarrassing one and kind of risque, so I'm sure it'll be appreciated. I seem to have my fair share of these self-depreciating stories...hmmm....

Anyways, we were at a New Year's Day party once, and, Penn State was playing in a bowl game. I went to Penn State, so of course I am a huge fan. Well, the opposing team made some type of great play. Although DH is a great Penn State fan, he commented on how great that play was by the other team. I of course told him he should not be complimenting ANY play by an opposing team, and he told me that I have to learn to separate myself from the game, and appreciate the individual plays at times like this. I said "Oh YEAH? Well separate this!"

Oh boy, it was out of my mouth before I could stop myself. DH and his friend broke out hysterically laughing. The rest of the day was spent reiterating "Separate this" to me ALL afternoon.

OK, all have a good laugh now at my expense!

 

[bbbamI]

Removed, dumb story..............

C'mon now...I told a story about my chest being turned into a piñata.....

 

[Dawg52]

C'mon now...I told a story about my chest being turned into a piñata.....

Yes and a very interesting story. Got any more?

 

[FinanceDude]

C'mon now...I told a story about my chest being turned into a piñata.....

I like that one.... Ok, here's one:

One year, our fraternity decided we wanted to get a nice X-mas tree. Trouble was, noone had no money for one. Time was growing short, so we were worried. One night after several beers, my roommate Damien (real name!) said he had an idea.

He and two other brothers left in an old station wagon with a saw and a plan, or so we thought. 30 minutes later I got a call from campus police office, telling me to come down there right away. Of course, the frat brothers gave MY NAME because I was seargeant at arms...... Turns out they found a nice tree ON CAMPUS, right in front of the fieldhouse, and proceeded to saw down an evergreen that was planted in memory of an alumni who gave a bunch of money to the university.

After the campus police guy yelled at me for an hour, then I had to make a statement to the city police, then we had to give depositions, we got back to the house 3 hours later. They got tickets for damage to property, and I had to explain to the Alumni Board of the fraternity what had transpired.

We ended up doing a community service project (judge's orders), and we held 3 bake sales to pay for replacing the tree. They also had to write a letter of apology to the family of the dead alum.

To this day, one of my nicknames is "Seargeant X-mas", at all frat almuni functions..........

 

[CuppaJoe]

As a freshman in high school I knew nothing about football but was in the photo club and one Friday was given the official school camera to photograph an away game. It was a total learning experience for me, and I enjoyed memorizing all the songs sung on the bus to and from the game. I took my official looking press credentials to the 50 yard line and took some photos using the cue of the crowd yelling to time the shots. Turned out that those photos were the only ones taken at football games that year. The yearbook staff printed three or four shots of pile ups.

 

[freebird5825]

ok, ok...I'll 'fess up to the biggest sin of my youth...

When I was a teenager, my girlfriends and I would put our babysitting money together and go buy 5 quarts of beer, one per girl. I was the only one who had the nerve to walk in and plunk the beer on the counter and pay for it without batting an eyelash. I was 5'7" and not giggly, so I could look the store owner right in the eye and pull it off. Drinking age was 18, so I was only 2 yrs short. Piece of cake.
So off we go in the station wagon. It was close to Halloween and Gate Night was very popular. So we bought some shaving cream on the way to drink our beer on a back road.
We lived near the lower Hudson River, just north of NYC. There was a long sea wall where the local young folks (over 18 rule) hung out. We were too young to be there.
I got the bright idea to drive by and spray shaving cream at the people hanging out there. So I and another girl hung our upper bodies out the windows and started spraying as we drove by.
We got cars, a few people, a few more cars, and the local police unit detective who just happened to be standing there.
The police car was parked way off the road so we never saw it. The shaving cream went all over his suit and tie.
He used to be a NYC cop and was very much feared by all persons in town. It was me who got him first.
In slow motion...I saw him look down, scowl, get really torqued off , shouting and pointing to the police cruiser to chase us. It was parked in the opposite direction TG.
We hightailed it right up the road to a local tractor trailer parking lot, quickly killed the headlights and hid the car behind all the rigs. We watched police cars go back and forth for hours, looking for us. They never thought to look just 1/10 mile down the road.
We cleaned the shaving cream off the car and ventured out 3 hours later.
We swore each other to secrecy. The story, of course, was all over town.
We never did get caught.

PS I later dated a local policeman, and socialized with the unit members. I never had the nerve to tell the detective I accidentally sprayed that it was me. I did feel bad about it because he was actually a decent man. Strict but nice.

 

[bbbamI]

I've got another one...

When I went to work at MegaCorp, I started as the receptionist. A delivery person came in; I signed for the package and said, "thank you sir."

You guessed it...the delivery person said, "I'm a woman."

IIRC, I mumbled something about having stuff in my eyes.....

 

[youbet]

OK, I'll fess up.....

I retired 2.6 years ago thinking I understood investing and that I'd enjoy a financially worry-free retirement with none of those troublesome market drops that only happen to "the other guy."

 

[calmloki]

I've got another one...

When I went to work at MegaCorp, I started as the receptionist. A delivery person came in; I signed for the package and said, "thank you sir."

You guessed it...the delivery person said, "I'm a woman."

IIRC, I mumbled something about having stuff in my eyes.....

Did that recently at an IKEA - frankly, couldn't tell the gender, used "hey guy" to address her, she turned and i still couldn't tell - but i had it wrong... Ahem.

Back in the Navy days i was going through the LA airport - stopped at a restaurant there and saw this lovely India Indian woman, pregnant, waiting table. For some reason I thought she was really good looking and graceful, and spoke w/ my waitress about her. Turned out she was not Indian, but was black. Turned out she was not pregnant, but did have a belly on her. Not the best come on approach, though we did hook up at a later date - got to see the Watts Towers and tour some of Watts and meet her brothers late one night (at her place) and her folks deep in Watts. Gave me some appreciation for how a minority might feel.

 

[RonBoyd]

Back in the Navy days i was going through the LA airport - stopped at a restaurant there and saw this lovely India Indian woman, pregnant, waiting table. For some reason I thought she was really good looking and graceful, and spoke w/ my waitress about her. Turned out she was not Indian, but was black. Turned out she was not pregnant, but did have a belly on her. Not the best come on approach, though we did hook up at a later date - got to see the Watts Towers and tour some of Watts and meet her brothers late one night (at her place) and her folks deep in Watts. Gave me some appreciation for how a minority might feel.

Wow! What a story. Very impressive... would, for instance, make a wonderful way to start a novel. I am blown away.

 

[REWahoo]

As a newly-promoted 1st Lt, my number came up in the squadron and it was my turn to fly with the Wing Commander, a stern no-nonsense Colonel who thought he was destined to be the next General Curtis LeMay.* Pilots in the squadron looked forward to their "opportunity" to fly with him in the same way we looked forward to the rectal exam at our annual physical.

I met up with him at Base Operations at 0500. We were getting our weather briefing and filing our flight plan when he glanced down at my wrist and noticed something protruding from the sleeve of my Nomex (nylon) flight suit. He reached over and grabbed the object asking, "Lieutenant, what the 'eff is THIS?"

I watched in embarrassed shock as he pulled, toe first, a pair of my wife's pantyhose from my sleeve. Thanks to the miracle of static cling they had plastered themselves inside the right sleeve of my flight suit while going through the dryer. For some reason I didn't notice them when getting dressed at 4 AM...

Lucky for me the Col thought it was pretty funny - but not nearly so much as the grizzled Master Sergeant observing the event from behind the ops counter. Though he was going to need medical attention.



*"I think there are many times when it would be most efficient to use nuclear weapons. However, the public opinion in this country and throughout the world throw up their hands in horror when you mention nuclear weapons, just because of the propaganda that's been fed to them." - Curtis LeMay

 

[Moemg]

I had an elderly patient so when I went to the waiting room to find out who was with him this young lady came forward . So I said your Dad is doing fine . Oops it was her husband !

 

[Amethyst]

Years ago, I had to go to Manhattan, by myself, by train. Husband brings my bag aboard the train, stows it and since the train isn't due to leave yet, sits in the chair next to me for a good-bye smooch, etc.

You guessed it...next thing we knew, the train left the station! Husband indulged in moment of panic. Other passengers on alert. Husband went to the conductor, who advised getting out at the next stop and returning on a southbound train. So, husband came back and sat down again...while some of the other passengers clapped and cheered.

(He did get back, and wasn't charged a cent).

Amethyst

 

[Salaryman]

Here's my story.

during my single days, I took a girlfriend to a famous seafood hotpot buffett place in NYC Chinatown. Tables and tables of all the fresh seafood you can imagine.
We load up our plates and get ready to head back to our table to cook our catch when I spy the most excellent example of dungeness crab way in the back corner. Just my luck sez I and bring the monster back to the table.
It barely fit into the hotpot & I had a hard time cracking the shell but crack the shell I did. Bit into him...it was very tasty & everything I thought it would be.

As I was digging into my crab, a visibly annoyed waiter and the manager of the place came walking over to our table and started to talk in rapid fire Chinese while pointing at the plate and to me. Didn't make out much of what they said until the very end when they said "YOU EAT DECORATION CRAB!"

Mom was right, I can eat just about anything.

 

[Sarah in SC]

I can't think of one of mine right now, but Mom went to San Francisco with Dad on business a million years ago. They were staying in a swank hotel on TJ Lipton's dime, and she thought she'd go shopping while Dad was at meetings all day. He told her to go down to the front of the hotel and get a cab to the shopping district. She was nervous, as she'd never taken a cab before (if you've ever tried to get a cab in Charleston, you'll know why). So she goes down through the lobby, out the front door, sizes up the cars out front and yes, gets into the first yellow car she sees, telling the guy up front that she wants to go shopping.

Of course, it isn't a cab at all, but the nice young fellow, seeing this Southern Lady sort get into his car, wants to save her the embarrassment so he drives her to the shopping area, and when she asks him how much, he explains that he isn't really a cabbie and she she should look for a name on the side of the car before she gets in, next time!

My Dad howled when she told him the story that night and swore never to leave her unattended again!

 

[Ronstar]

Five of us went to Florida on spring break. We stopped off in Tennessee on the way back and bought a few hundred $ worth of fireworks. One summer night, we decided to go road drinking and bring the fireworks along for entertainment.

We stopped on a ridge overlooking a creek with several hundred acres of woods beyond the creek. It seemed like a perfect place to launch some bottle rockets. One of the bottle rockets landed in a birds nest or whatever and caught fire, setting most of the forest ablaze.

We left thinking that it would hopefully burn itself out, since it would be impossible for a fire department to get to the blaze, and rain was in the forecast.

My friend's dad (on the volunteer fire department) explained to his family at breakfast the next morning how the F.D. was called out to a forest fire. The F.D. couldn't get to the blaze, and couldn't figure out how it started. My friend didn't offer any ideas.

We all went back to the scene the following night, and several acres of trees / brush were still smoldering.