The Recession & our Adult children

[Zoocat]

It depends on which adult child was laid off. My oldest son has never listened to any practical financial advice from me, lives paycheck to paycheck and by his own admission does not like to work. I have helped him get out of a few financial difficulties in the past. This time I've decided that I will let him become homeless and destitute before I help him financially and will never allow him to move in with me.

My other two are different situations. I doubt my second son would ever get in a financial bind; he and his wife are super responsible and how have a baby. My daughter is just starting out, having just graduated from college, and will probably make some mistakes. But she is pretty responsible and is very motivated to be independent. Also, she has her father as a back stop.

So, I would give money, not lend it, if it were absolutely necessary. But I will avoid at all costs having any of my grown children move in with me. I saw how that worked out with my mom and dad. One of my brothers lived at home almost his whole life while practicing his alcoholism.

[guest]

I agree with Oldbabe. Kind of reflects where we have been with our kids. One was (and is?) a bit of a problem. He already had to move back in, went bankrupt and the only way he moved out was when I bought a place, remodeled it and rented it to him. He has four years to come up with the moolah to buy it (at the same price I paid for it originally). First try he failed miserably but I am hoping it opened his eyes as he surely has not listened to me at all. I'm thinking this is his last chance but when push comes to shove I will probably end up being the pushover and finance it one way or the other.

My oldest son has just moved back home....with his wife....and their "best friend".....and they want me to host DIL's brother for two weeks....

The good of it all is that my son does have a job but doesn't make enough money to pay for a place to live here and make the mortgage payments on his house back east. I am trying to get them through this tight time and hoping and praying their house sells soon!!!! My issue isn't helping out the kiddo, it is his wife that is the problem. Never really liked her and whenever we visited in the past I always came home thanking God that he lives with her and not me!!

Family is everything but there does come a time for tough love. I've always said that it is the lazy parent that always says "Yes!" "No" can be hard work!

[Texas Proud]

I am one of the 'tough love' people... but again, I said it makes a difference in what and why it happens...

I know of a sister of one of my friends... she has lost two houses to foreclosure, been evicted from at least 3 other places... have had cars repoed... and all the time working as a teacher...

Her mother has not helped her out... and I have talked to her (the mother). She said all it would do is waste her money and the daughter would be in the same situation sometime later... she has never learned to handle money and does not seem interested in learning as I have tried to talk to her a few times...

And I would expect that my kids would have SAVINGS to handle a MINOR crisis... I mean, if they got laid off today, would you expect them to move in tomorrow

This is not being mean or cruel to them... and it does not mean they are not loved... heck, I would have them over to eat a lot to save some money and to help them through the process.... well, I am now just dronning on...


OHHH, BTW, I just remembered way back when... about 30 years ago... there was this old lady who I did work for... and her son of 50 yo came back to live with her because he had lost his job.... she let him stay in the house for over 2 years... he was lazy, did not look for work..

OHH almost forgot about a former friend who moved back 30 years ago and has never moved out!!!! We stopped talking a long time ago... but he screwed one of my other friends by borrowing money and never paying it back... his response "you can afford to lose some money"....

[Orchidflower]

Yeah, I get you. I can only speak for my own child and my relationship. He's responsible and works and studies, so, for this kid, I would and am happy to be able to help if he needs it.
Guess we all know moochers who move in with mom and live off her forever. Now that is just creepy. And the mom that allows this just never has the nerve to throw the kid out, so he gets a free ride...while the rest of us get totally disgusted with him (and her). I get you.

[Khan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Orchidflower Yeah, I get you. I can only speak for my own child and my relationship. He's responsible and works and studies, so, for this kid, I would and am happy to be able to help if he needs it. Guess we all know moochers who move in with mom and live off her forever. Now that is just creepy. And the mom that allows this just never has the nerve to throw the kid out, so he gets a free ride...while the rest of us get totally disgusted with him (and her). I get you.

There is also a family dynamic (which I have read) where the family leaves the inheritance to the ne'er-do-well because s/he 'needs it more'.

[Zoocat]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Khan There is also a family dynamic (which I have read) where the family leaves the inheritance to the ne'er-do-well because s/he 'needs it more'.

I'm going to have to think this idea through. Thanks for bringing it up.

[Orchidflower]

If I had a spendthrift child or a ne'er-do-well kid, I'd have the money doled out in increments thru a Trust.

[Moemg]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Khan There is also a family dynamic (which I have read) where the family leaves the inheritance to the ne'er-do-well because s/he 'needs it more'.

What if instead of a ne'er-do -well it was a child with drug problems ? How would you handle it then ? ( this is just a hypothetical question , )

[Khan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moemg What if instead of a ne'er-do -well it was a child with drug problems ? How would you handle it then ? ( this is just a hypothetical question , )

I never had children, and there will be no inheritance; I have no opinion/advice on the subject.

[Moemg]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Khan I never had children, and there will be no inheritance; I have no opinion/advice on the subject.

Thanks Khan , I meant it for everyone not just you . I guess that was not clear .
I only have one child who is a responsible adult but if I had one who was into drugs I'm not sure what I would do . I would not want to pay for their habit but I could not just leave them nothing so I guess a trust would be the way to go .

[freebird5825]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moemg Thanks Khan , I meant it for everyone not just you . I guess that was not clear . I only have one child who is a responsible adult but if I had one who was into drugs I'm not sure what I would do . I would not want to pay for their habit but I could not just leave them nothing so I guess a trust would be the way to go .

I know of a family who had exactly this situation.
I was involved in the Execution of the Will as Alternate and had to do a little community policing to ward off challenges.
I had a written accounting of sums involved in my possession.
The child doing drugs milked the mother for whatever was possible, using other bills due as the excuse for being short of cash. It is unclear if the mother knew up front, found out later or never caught on. The mother's Will left nothing to that child, as $ assistance was rendered constantly during the mother's lifetime. Same for other "clean" siblings who borrowed but never paid back loans.
Siblings who never borrowed or paid back in full were included in the Will.

[Orchidflower]

That's exactly what I would do, too, Freebird. I vote for that as that's about so equal as you can get with more than one kid.

[Bestwifeever]

I know a couple of cases where a child was unable or unwilling to handle a generous inheritance; the wills are drawn up so a sibling distributes the proceeds as necessary. That puts a big burden on the sibling, however.

[harley]

I know a fair number of people who are "into drugs" but have well paid jobs, families, and who behave responsibly with their finances. I'm assuming y'all are talking about someone who actually has a drug, alcohol, gambling, sex, religion, politics, or other problem that is interfering with their ability to function. In that case, I would set up a trust with the payouts being based on their ability to pass (or fool) a test of some sort that would indicate they are overcoming their problem. If they just like to get high or visit a hooker occasionally but are otherwise functioning well I would leave the money to them without conditions.

[dm]

My wifes parents have told us that we will get nothing and everything will go to their youngest son. Their reasoning is that we are doing fine financially and youngest doesn't have as much.

It does hurt my wife's feelings sometimes as they expect her to drop everything if they need help, we live 5 hours away, and then tell her how wonderfull the youngest is doing. We actually don't need the money, and they can do whatever they want with it.

[MichaelB]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Orchidflower If I had a spendthrift child or a ne'er-do-well kid, I'd have the money doled out in increments thru a Trust.

This is my mother's thought. She is quite insistent on equal shares without regard to need and very concerned about greed and bad behaviour - based on her own experiences with families, wills and the distribution of things like personal items, heirlooms, etc. Regarding money, she is more straightforward - if a person has shown poor money judgment or abilities, their share stays in her trust and is paid in installments.

[Orchidflower]

I was my mother's only child, but, having watched it over the years with friends/family, it makes me absolutely sick to my stomach when parents play favorites. And it seems to go on all the time. I think it's cruel myself...and I know it's very hurtful having been the "listener" to more than one unfavored child cry about how they were treated.
I always swore if I had more than one I'd treat them equally in some manner that seemed fair to my left-brained thinking style.

[Pete]

I'm a simple guy. I need a bed and a bathroom. My kids are in their early twenties and still living at home. I hope they never leave. I still miss stepping on their toys. Truth be told I would take in any of my relatives as long as they are making an effort. Of course I say that in anonimity.

[Texas Proud]

I do know that my mother's will is share equally among all the kids...

I was surprised that she did not allow the money to go to the grand kids in case one of us dies before she does... but it is her money and she has provided for them in another way. She has paid a certain amount for college for the ones who wanted to go.... and there is a savings bond or two for each...

[freebird5825]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Orchidflower I was my mother's only child, but, having watched it over the years with friends/family, it makes me absolutely sick to my stomach when parents play favorites. And it seems to go on all the time. I think it's cruel myself...and I know it's very hurtful having been the "listener" to more than one unfavored child cry about how they were treated. I always swore if I had more than one I'd treat them equally in some manner that seemed fair to my left-brained thinking style.

I agree completely.
I've watched a family (not mine) torn apart by an Irrevocable Trust with 3 siblings set up as equal Trustees, the prize being the house everyone grew up in. I've served as an Alternate Executor and Executor (LH's will) with legal advice heavily involved in each instance. Each experience taught me some real lessons about human nature.
The one thing that has confounded my analytical brain is the sense of entitlement to someone else's assets that underlies all this type of mess.
I see a person's Will as their undeniable right to do whatever they want to with their stash.
H*ll, give it all to charity if you want to.