Time to let a friend go.

[joeea]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Teacher Terry My husband has never really liked him and was in his office. This is the second time in 2 months which is weird considering the length of our friendship. Ghosting is my style but my BF thinks direct is kinder.

BF?

[jollystomper]

Been there, done that (more than once). Trust your spouse on this one. Talk to your "friend" and be direct in saying his comments and behavior make you uncomfortable and boundaries need to be set. Do not be in his presence again without your husband being around.

[gwraigty]

I agree with others in saying that this relationship needs to end. He was tacky to suggest he'd be interested in you if your husband was gone. Is he getting tired of waiting? I wouldn't call him socially inept. He's rude, demanding, and possibly dangerous.

Are these dinners standing invitations? Or do you have to initiate the plans each time? If the former, you'll have to be direct and end it. If the latter, just don't invite him over again.

[Bigdawg]

Maybe I'm the weird one here. I would never have a single female over here at the house with or without my wife being here except for maybe a quick one time dinner. Our friends are almost entirely other married couples. I can't think of a scenario where a single person of our age would spend the night here at our house. I am too long in the tooth to put up with any nonsense from third wheels. The situation the OP descibes in the intital post would never happen in my life/house. I wouldn't even put up with that from a relative let alone a friend. When the knife was thrown my reaction would have been "oh hell no". "Get out now!" OP, don't your husband and yourself have other couples you can be friends with?

[MarieIG]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dd852 Address the precise behavior rather than saying “we’re done” or ghosting, would be my advice. Eg “you made me extremely upset when you threw the knife. You may have thought you were being funny or maybe you were tipsy, but I felt threatened and unsafe and I will not feel like that in my own house. I’ve always enjoyed you, but the last couple of times you’ve been over you did x,y,z and frankly they took all the joy and fun out of it for me”. Then gauge his reaction and be guided by that. But I’d lean towards ending it.

This is the mature and dignified manner of handling it - but

Terry, are you concerned for your safety, i.e. is there any possibility of a violent reaction?

[Red Badger]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Scuba I agree with this, although if a male friend let me know he’d be interested if DH weren’t around, that would make me uncomfortable and I’d probably want to end it.

+1.

I believe there is such a thing as too much "candor." As a guy, I can't imagine telling a "friend" that I want to be on the short list if hubs tips over. That's creepy.

[samclem]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dd852 Address the precise behavior rather than saying “we’re done” or ghosting, would be my advice. Eg “you made me extremely upset when you threw the knife. You may have thought you were being funny or maybe you were tipsy, but I felt threatened and unsafe and I will not feel like that in my own house. I’ve always enjoyed you, but the last couple of times you’ve been over you did x,y,z and frankly they took all the joy and fun out of it for me”. Then gauge his reaction and be guided by that. But I’d lean towards ending it.

This might be the normal approach, but I'm not sure it's a good one in this case. I don't think it's a great idea to give this person specific events to fixate on, ruminate over, and then decide he's been mistreated. I'd just stop the invitations. If communication/explanation is necessary, I think hubby should do it or you should do it together because:
1) Hubby has known him longer and is the reason this guy is in your life
2) It makes it clear that this is a decision you've made as a couple
3) It makes clear that this is not some sort of secret spat between you and this other person. There's no gap between you and your husband on the issue.

When a guest comes to my house, behaves erratically, then tells me to get away from him and to go to a specific room--there's no longer a requirement for politeness.

I have friends and family members who seem to collect broken people with the hope of fixing them. I think they have noble intentions, but their results are poor and the impact on themselves and others in their life can be pretty high.

[DatumPoint5]

Quote:

Originally Posted by joeea BF?

I think, in this context, in this conversation, BF is short for "Best Friend"?

[pacergal]

Per your notes:
1) this is the second time something like this happened
2) Husband does not like this person
3) He has shown violent, harmful behavior towards you--even if the knife did not hit you, it was thrown towards you and he told you to get out of YOUR kitchen.

I would talk with him over the phone and tell him honestly what happened from your perspective and that you no longer want to be around him. Then follow through and no longer see him.

[mountainsoft]

Quote:

Originally Posted by joeea BF?

I thought the same thing when I read that.

"husband never really liked him"... "my boyfriend thinks direct is kinder".

Then I went, Oh, "Best Friend". That makes more sense. That's one of the reasons I avoid abbreviations.

[golfnut]

Quote:

Originally Posted by pacergal Per your notes: 1) this is the second time something like this happened 2) Husband does not like this person 3) He has shown violent, harmful behavior towards you--even if the knife did not hit you, it was thrown towards you and he told you to get out of YOUR kitchen. I would talk with him over the phone and tell him honestly what happened from your perspective and that you no longer want to be around him. Then follow through and no longer see him.

+1. Also, based on your telcon with him, if he lashes out, may want to have hubby close to you for awhile. This guy might be dangerous - probably not but better to be safe than sorry.

[JustCurious]

Quote:

Originally Posted by gwraigty I agree with others in saying that this relationship needs to end. He was tacky to suggest he'd be interested in you if your husband was gone. Is he getting tired of waiting? I wouldn't call him socially inept. He's rude, demanding, and possibly dangerous.

I agree. If I were married, and if a man said that to my wife, I would expect her to end the friendship right there and then. And if she respected me, she would.

[imoldernu]

The effects of "ghosting" A defense of my post above

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/the-p...stin_b_7999858.

[Teacher Terry]

Yes BF is best friend. We have many couple friends but also a few male and female that are single. He was a good friend of a couple we were friends with. Gradually he became one of the group. The sleeping over sometimes was when he lived a hour away in the winter in the mountains so he would stay. 4 years ago he moved into town 10 minutes from us. He only occasionally would stay if he was drinking. He is a light weight and it doesn’t take much for him to be tipsy. He has even stayed over if my husband was away and I felt safe and my husband didn’t mind. He is on dating sites and after 4 years can’t find anyone. My ex threw things and was verbally abusive so it really shook me up. We have taken care of each other dogs and he has the code to my house so will have my husband change it. Up until a month ago we just always had a good time.

[mystang52]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aerides This is when the friendship should have ended. Sure, men and women can be platonic friends, but only when neither is interested. That potential violence is now in the picture just means your ending it is even more overdue, ADD or whatever, doesn't matter, this is not a friendship, it's a risk.

+1 I think it was completely inappropriate for him to express his interests in OP. Add in that scary outburst and it makes it absolutely clear this is a "relationship" that needs to end immediately. Ghosting or overtly, end it now.

[aja8888]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Teacher Terry Yes BF is best friend. We have many couple friends but also a few male and female that are single. He was a good friend of a couple we were friends with. Gradually he became one of the group. The sleeping over sometimes was when he lived a hour away in the winter in the mountains so he would stay. 4 years ago he moved into town 10 minutes from us. He only occasionally would stay if he was drinking. He is a light weight and it doesn’t take much for him to be tipsy. He has even stayed over if my husband was away and I felt safe and my husband didn’t mind. He is on dating sites and after 4 years can’t find anyone. My ex threw things and was verbally abusive so it really shook me up. We have taken care of each other dogs and he has the code to my house so will have my husband change it. Up until a month ago we just always had a good time.

You must really trust this guy, but I caution you here. And your husband allows him to stay over without him being there? You need to fix this fast..

[gwraigty]

Quote:

Originally Posted by imoldernu The effects of "ghosting" A defense of my post above https://www.huffpost.com/entry/the-p...stin_b_7999858.

Respectfully, these things can't always be neatly categorized into scientific data. Some people do not take No for an answer, even when being direct. Their objectionable behavior can still escalate, even to the point of stalking.

[Teacher Terry]

We have been such good friends for so many years that I was shocked by his 2 outbursts. I brushed the first one off but this second one is beyond what I am willing to tolerate. I wouldn’t tolerate it from a female friend either. It’s just sad and I will miss his sweet golden dog.

[Aerides]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Teacher Terry He only occasionally would stay if he was drinking. He is a light weight and it doesn’t take much for him to be tipsy. He has even stayed over if my husband was away and I felt safe and my husband didn’t mind.

Gonna be blunt here. If I had a male friend, who carried a torch for me, and my husband "didn't mind" that I allowed that friend to hang out and drink and sleep over when DH was out of town.... THAT would bother me. Your husband (and 99% of them) SHOULD mind. He should hate the idea. He should understand that such visits are a terrible idea, and put you at risk, and he should say "nope Terry, I love you, I trust you, but nope." TBH, he should not be in the position to say whether or not he minds, it's a non-starter.

We already know your DH is not the confrontational type from your earlier threads, so he is going to take the path of least resistance here. So his acceptance of the situation is not a sign that things are really ok.

[MRG]

I think you know it's time to lose him. Your dogs will find other playmates. You too. Good luck.