(Venting) About Family

[flintnational]

Everyone in our family is charming and perfect. And, I am the most perfect of them all! I am sure the rest of the family will agree. Just don't ask my SIL.

[PoorOldCountryBoy]

OP, My 2 cents:


These antics you describe are called control dramas. There are a couple in every family and they look for people to act like doormats so they can feel in charge. I put some of the ones in my family in their place and don't hear from them much (not missing them at all). You don't need to use hurtful words, just be firm. Usually these people are rather lacking in self confidence so they take it out on family if you let them.


We even tell people with sick kids to stay home! It's amazing that people will endure a week in bed with the flu just to "keep the peace".

[CoolRich59]

Quote:

Originally Posted by PoorOldCountryBoy These antics you describe are called control dramas. There are a couple in every family and they look for people to act like doormats so they can feel in charge.

I've never heard this term, but it describes my mother perfectly. For most of my life she would throw temper tantrums (no other way to describe it) whenever she didn't get her way, didn't like something, etc.

A few years ago (in my early 50s), I decided I'd had enough of dealing with someone in their 70s who acted like a spoiled child. I said "Mom, I'm done with this. The next time you throw a fit, give me the 'silent treatment', etc. I'm not going to put up with it. I will leave and not visit again until you decide you want to grow up and act like an adult."

Of course this triggered another outburst, but I held firm. I left and did not call or visit. About a month later she called and apologized. As amazing as that was, after that (for the most part) she behaved herself.

Even my sisters were amazed at the change in her behavior.

[lwp2017]

My DW's brother brought their three large dogs to a family outdoor gathering at our house once. Two dogs proceeded to growl and snap at the guests.
The third dog had bad flatulence supposedly from the car trip.
The gassy dog must also have been in heat.
BIL was oblivious to their darling dogs' antics
My DW had to put a muzzle on me I was so livid.

.....

Fast forward about 2 years.
We were at a birthday party at DW brother's home, everyone was outside having a good time in spite of the 3 mutts.
One dog chewed through the air conditioner freon line releasing a noxious cloud of gas into the party.
BIL was furious at the dog.
I laughed so hard.

[hilltide]

Wow. I thought I was alone and then I found this thread. However , its My family that is a hot mess. I feel sorry for my wife. She is a trooper. Just started reading a book called boundaries that is pretty good.

[ikubak]

Where I live, there is a radio commercial for an auto repair shop I believe. At the end of the commercial, the guy says...”We don’t treat you like family, we treat you better!” I laugh every time I hear that.

[PoorOldCountryBoy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by CoolRich59 I've never heard this term, but it describes my mother perfectly. For most of my life she would throw temper tantrums (no other way to describe it) whenever she didn't get her way, didn't like something, etc. A few years ago (in my early 50s), I decided I'd had enough of dealing with someone in their 70s who acted like a spoiled child. I said "Mom, I'm done with this. The next time you throw a fit, give me the 'silent treatment', etc. I'm not going to put up with it. I will leave and not visit again until you decide you want to grow up and act like an adult." Of course this triggered another outburst, but I held firm. I left and did not call or visit. About a month later she called and apologized. As amazing as that was, after that (for the most part) she behaved herself. Even my sisters were amazed at the change in her behavior.

Yes, it's often with people who have to use emotional extremes to influence others. It happens with good intentions when dealing with young people, then the patterns stays there. The other source for many is middle school social drama llamas who figure out "this works!".

Good for you and I'm sure your family thanks you. It's tougher if the family has business together or lives next door, but it can still be done in most cases.

[rmark]

As university employees my wife and I went to student parties pretty often (we weren't far out of college ourselves) and our daughter would be the only child there - however this mean't she knew how to mix drinks by about age 10.

We're lucky that both our close families get along with no drama, we've even had a distant relation through my wife comment how nice it is to visit our reunions, they need security at weddings and funerals to stop the cousins from fighting.

[skipro33]

In response to OP's post, when it's my house, it's my rules. If asked, then reply. How hard is it to say no anyways?
I know; you feel put out to have to say no... that it makes you out to look like you're the bad guy for not letting them bring kids. To that I say RUBBISH!
I love it when I get an opportunity to tell people no.
"can I bring the kids?"
NO
"they can play with their cousins"
Are you stupid or something? I said No.

See? Easy
And fun! I love being master of my house. The rule maker. Lord of my domain.

Your sister-in-law has a history of doing this stuff because no one ever tells her no.

[Danmar]

Quote:

Originally Posted by skipro33 In response to OP's post, when it's my house, it's my rules. If asked, then reply. How hard is it to say no anyways? I know; you feel put out to have to say no... that it makes you out to look like you're the bad guy for not letting them bring kids. To that I say RUBBISH! I love it when I get an opportunity to tell people no. "can I bring the kids?" NO "they can play with their cousins" Are you stupid or something? I said No. See? Easy And fun! I love being master of my house. The rule maker. Lord of my domain. Your sister-in-law has a history of doing this stuff because no one ever tells her no.

I agree totally. I like to have control-especially in my house(s). The only way to have control is to set the rules and enforce them. I actually like to say no from time to time.

[Aerides]

When one spouse routinely caves/sides/supports their family over the desires of their spouse, putting spouse in the role of the rule-maker, no-sayer, jerk, etc., that's not being overly good-natured.

That's being passive aggressive towards their spouse.

[Danmar]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aerides When one spouse routinely caves/sides/supports their family over the desires of their spouse, putting spouse in the role of the rule-maker, no-sayer, jerk, etc., that's not being overly good-natured. That's being passive aggressive towards their spouse.

Agree. Spouses need to be on side with each other, I do compromise sometimes with my spouse’s family but we are generally in agreement. We always agree in the “4 day rule”.

[Chuckanut]

Quote:

Originally Posted by PoorOldCountryBoy OP, My 2 cents: These antics you describe are called control dramas. There are a couple in every family and they look for people to act like doormats so they can feel in charge.

Yup!

Another name for these people is 'Crazy Makers'. They are masters at manipulation and responsibility transfer to other people .

Control dramas is a good name for it. Like my old grand pappy used to say "You get the behavior you tolerate".

[Yarnstormer]

Buy some alcohol free wine and insist your sil and bil drink only that because they are “on the clock” and your homeowners can’t take another hit!

If you are looking for backup - yessir very messed up sil for sure!

[Texas Proud]

Quote:

Originally Posted by skipro33 In response to OP's post, when it's my house, it's my rules. If asked, then reply. How hard is it to say no anyways? I know; you feel put out to have to say no... that it makes you out to look like you're the bad guy for not letting them bring kids. To that I say RUBBISH! I love it when I get an opportunity to tell people no. "can I bring the kids?" NO "they can play with their cousins" Are you stupid or something? I said No. See? Easy And fun! I love being master of my house. The rule maker. Lord of my domain. Your sister-in-law has a history of doing this stuff because no one ever tells her no.

This kinda reminded me when one of my DWs friends came over with her dog!!! REALLY!!! We have CATS!!! Who in their right mind would bring a dog to someone's house without asking.... I would have said NO if asked, but I was not asked.... I was mad at DW for not letting me kick them out right then and there...

[Walt34]

Threads like this make me appreciate my and DW's families even more. Very little drama over the years, mostly when one BIL was for a short time married to a drama and welfare queen. Those stories were more entertaining than adding any stress though.

Here's one:

BIL is a nice guy and has far more tolerance for nuttiness than I do. His ex asked him to look after about 10 pet rats () and he agreed to for a week or so. When twice the time allotted has expired he finally tells her to come get them or he'll make other arrangements. She does not do so. Since the animal shelter wouldn't take them he takes them out to the woods and releases them. Ex finds out about it and calls the Sheriff's department, citing "cruelty to animals". Sheriff has a hard time trying not to crack up laughing.

[skipro33]

I'd a baked those rats in a pie and had it delivered to ex if it had been me. Well, probably not, but I'd enjoy thinking about it over an adult beverage.