Vicious people: How do you handle it?

[Nodak]

Just say "your mother had a cold nose" and walk away. By the time they figure it out you can be long gone.

 

[freebird5825]

I'm not sure when this thread went astray, but I mean by "attack" VERBAL abuse and not actual physical violence. How do you handle someone who verbally attacks you with a great deal of vicious hostility that's undeserved?

I'm basing this post on my observations of people in general, from w*rk meetings (believe it or not ) and a few public verbal confrontations I've witnessed from a safe distance.
Unfortunately, in some cases the two (verbal and physical) can go hand in hand. The good news is most people limit it to verbal. Whew. On daytime TV, chairs are thrown.
IMHO, a vicious verbal attack can mask the desire to really want to make it a physical attack.
Read the body language of a person who is in verbal attack mode. I'll guarantee that their fists are clenched and their upper torso is thrust forward while delivering the verbal attack. Or the arm of the dominant hand with index finger pointed is used as a "weapon", invading the personal space of the unlucky recipient.
The natural human reaction is to "fight". The wiser decision is "flight", i.e. walk away calmly, before it degrades to a physical situation.

 

[FinanceDude]

I'm not sure when this thread went astray, but I mean by "attack" VERBAL abuse and not actual physical violence. How do you handle someone who verbally attacks you with a great deal of vicious hostility that's undeserved?

It doesn't happen to me a lot at 6'3", but on the rare occasion when it does, I just stare at them squarely in the eye. It has always worked..........maybe my eyes are crazier than theirs............

 

[Tesaje]

Now, I just walk away. No need to tolerate those sociopaths now that I'm retired. In the past, I found the best way is to be exagerately sweet to them while watching my back. It is the best revenge because I deny them the satisfaction of getting to me while actually exposing them for what they are. They really can't get the power they desire with the high road strategy. It really ticks them off and they seek easier prey.

 

[haha]

Now, I just walk away. No need to tolerate those sociopaths now that I'm retired. In the past, I found the best way is to be exagerately sweet to them while watching my back. It is the best revenge because I deny them the satisfaction of getting to me while actually exposing them for what they are. They really can't get the power they desire with the high road strategy. It really ticks them off and they seek easier prey.

I have a retired humanities professor friend who loves to bait me on political topics. So once after our lunch was over I said, how come you win all the arguments? He just smiled and said- Don't kid me, I know judo when I see it.

So we are still friends, in spite of really different ideas about how to best run the world.

Ha

 

[audreyh1]

I would probably say "That's a very rude thing to say!" thereby letting them know what I think of their behavior.

And thereafter, have no contact with them.

Audrey

 

[haha]

I usually just bust a cap in they a$$es.

Problem solved!

Ha

 

[Twinkle Toes]

How many of these verbal attacks are by men vs by women? Just wondering...

 

[Midpack]

I just remind myself that it must suck to be such a bitter person, and be thankful that I'm not like that. I prefer not to even dignify them by wasting time, energy or brain power to respond. They aren't worth it.

And when you know people who have a pattern of doing this to many others, there's no reason to take it personally. They're just a cranky, bitter person. Again, thank God I'm not like them.

It's like I often say: If you have a problem with some other person, the problem might lie with them. But if you have a problem with just about everyone, the problem is *you*.

Not the first time, but I could not agree more with this answer. In my younger days, I could verbally take anyone's head off, I got so good at it no one would mess with me. But then I grew up, and that approach just begets more of the same if not worse, it's pointless, and you're no better than the source if you take that route IMO. So again, in my experience, Ziggy is on the money here.

And if you let a (verbal) attacker get to you, you have some work to do on yourself (don't we all).

Never argue with a fool applies at least in part here...

 

[Dawg52]

I'm not sure when this thread went astray, but I mean by "attack" VERBAL abuse and not actual physical violence. How do you handle someone who verbally attacks you with a great deal of vicious hostility that's undeserved?

I usually do something like this.

 

[MichaelB]

Some of us are unable to avoid people who are nasty without reason.

I just remind myself that it must suck to be such a bitter person, and be thankful that I'm not like that. I prefer not to even dignify them by wasting time, energy or brain power to respond. They aren't worth it.

And when you know people who have a pattern of doing this to many others, there's no reason to take it personally. They're just a cranky, bitter person. Again, thank God I'm not like them.

Exactly. They’re unhappy with their life or the choices they’ve made and express it by trying to make others like them. Some also suffer from depression.

Dealing with repeat offenders is more challenging. They do it better – practice makes perfect – so responding often leads to escalation. I have to deal with people like this with whom contact is frequent and unavoidable. Nothing really works, but my preferred response is : “there’s nothing you can say or do that will make me feel any different about myself, my family or you, so why don’t you just go insult someone else and when you're feeling better come on back” and if needed “you know there are professionals that can help you deal with these feelings”.

Nothing has ever stopped this kind of behaviour, though. It’s a sign of emotional disturbance that needs professional help.

 

[calmloki]

shunning. If you are a giver rather than a taker, cutting someone off from your association removes benefit from them.

 

[Orchidflower]

Some of us are unable to avoid people who are nasty without reason.
Exactly. They’re unhappy with their life or the choices they’ve made and express it by trying to make others like them. Some also suffer from depression.

Dealing with repeat offenders is more challenging. They do it better – practice makes perfect – so responding often leads to escalation. I have to deal with people like this with whom contact is frequent and unavoidable. Nothing really works, but my preferred response is : “there’s nothing you can say or do that will make me feel any different about myself, my family or you, so why don’t you just go insult someone else and when you're feeling better come on back” and if needed “you know there are professionals that can help you deal with these feelings”.

Nothing has ever stopped this kind of behaviour, though. It’s a sign of emotional disturbance that needs professional help.

MichaelB, you, obviously, have some experience with this type of person--just an exact description of my toxic put-down artist relative. It amazes me that--even tho I have seen other relatives (usually the women interestingly enough) and his business partners (yes!) actually hang their heads when he said something really nasty to me--nobody that I know of has said anything to him. Note that I only notice when he attacks me, so he might be attacking them also as he's pretty much prone to put-down anyone if the mood strikes him.
He is a pro--and make that a capital P as in Pro--at quick, nasty, cruel, demeaning insults. So fast and quick is he that you sit there with your mouth hanging open as you just don't expect the attacks when they come. From my understanding, my grandfather who raised him was the same way. Charming, eh?
Being the bigger person in this situation did get difficult I admit, but, I felt, telling him off wouldn't make much of a dent in his behavior. So, when I got to the point of losing all respect for him in any way I just cut off the relationship. Just not worth being around that much toxicity ever. Ever.

 

[BunsGettingFirm]

Hmmm...sounds like you've met Kate Gosselin.

Sorry a little slow on the draw to most pop culture references. Since my cable company decided to cut my basic $10/month cable to just 12 channels, I have no idea what's going on in basic cable land.

Well, this thread is giving me renewed enthusiasm to ER because I will have a choice to walk away from idiots.

 

[Westernskies]

To a person, I've found whenever I have encountered someone who makes a personal, vicious attack on me--one with no substance really because a. either the person doesn't know me or b. because I have not done what the person thinks I have or c. any multitude of reasons--that the person who is the attacker is unhappy with their own lives. Either they are just losers and are trying to make themselves feel better by attacking or maybe it's much deeper than that (dysfunctional childhood, drug or alcohol problem and so forth). Whatever their problem, it is their surprising and vicious attack on your person that comes out of the blue and works like a slap in the face. But I guess in the attacker's mind, it provides them with some relief from their own pain?

There is a woman at my pool who I've seen viciously attack another lady there who's done absolutely zero to her to deserve her nastiness. It was really a below the belt remark(s) about the lady having lines in her face (she's 70, so get real cause, of course, she will have some lines). The attacker is so over-Botoxed she actually has changed her German features to almost Asian and looks, frankly, odd.

I've seen same woman attack another lady about the cellulite in her thighs/legs. Granted, the attacker lacks cellulite, but she is about 70 lbs. overweight. Does she not have a mirror. Talk about the pot calling the kettle.

So, after some thought, how do you handle attacks from vicious folks? Me, personally, I tend to let it roll off my shoulders normally and just cut them off socially by avoiding them. But, I'm not sure this is the best way really to handle those folks who need to project their own shortcomings and unhappiness on others.

What is the best way to handle vicious attacks on your person that are undeserved and just plain cruel/mean? Is the best way to treat these just to ignore them and leave the person alone or is it better to say something back to the person that shuts them up for good? And--if you do say something back to them--what do you say that hits the nail on the head but doesn't put you into a counter-attack mode?

As I get older--and have experienced plenty of this put-down/insulting attack method from one of my relatives (or as I call him, "an equal opportunity insulter")--where my "let it roll off my shoulders and he will stop" method did not stop him. In fact, he felt it gave him more license to continue because, since I didn't say anything to him, he could UP the attacks. Needless to say, after X number of years, I no longer speak to him or care to see him ever again relative or not.

Anyone have a better method than what I've been using?

How deep is the pool?

 

[audreyh1]

Well, this thread is giving me renewed enthusiasm to ER because I will have a choice to walk away from idiots.

Yes! A HUGE benefit to ER. You are no longer obligated to deal with idiots or abusive/toxic people. Unless they are a close relative in which case ER makes no difference.

Audrey

 

[Achiever51]

I worked with a woman who had the perfect, non-verbal response to abusive people. She would adopt a very neutral expression on her face, and very slowly and almost imperceptibly shake her head from side to side (ie., moving her head maybe an inch or two) while maintaining eye contact with the person. One time she and I were in a staff meeting when our nutcase boss went off on another staffer. It was amazing to watch Boss become aware of her silent gaze; it made him very uncomfortable. (I wouldn't advise doing this to strangers, but believe me, it works wonders on friends and family!)

 

[MichaelB]

Orchidflower, yes. Experience. Past, current, and even some to look forward to. My heart goes out to you and others that must deal with this.

I’d love to share my success in dealing with this but I can’t – no success. My spontaneous wit is inadequate; I know the right thing to say later or the next day.

Some folks are just bullies. This was common at work. I must have taken HaHa’s advice and changed my social circle because it’s not a problem.

Personal situations – the ones we deal with are the consequence of depression. When directed at me it doesn’t really do anything anymore – I just keep in mind the pain and unhappiness that these individuals suffer, then smile and walk away. When directed at people I hold most dear it motivates me to spend time with them (the offended) and express my affection and feelings for them. When directed at my children it makes me angry and then I do respond – in private and quite sharply.

Family get-togethers are, surprisingly, quite enjoyable. But there is an effort by a core group to keep things upbeat and not allow for any efforts to derail or provoke.

Talking about this with other family members has had positive effects. It makes it easier to not take things personally and it enables the core group.

We are all humans, flaws included.

 

[Andre1969]

I think Diane summed it up quite nicely on an episode of "Cheers". Just respond with a sad smile and say, pleasantly, "You're a bitter little person, aren't you?"

 

[Purron]

I worked with a woman who had the perfect, non-verbal response to abusive people. She would adopt a very neutral expression on her face, and very slowly and almost imperceptibly shake her head from side to side (ie., moving her head maybe an inch or two) while maintaining eye contact with the person. One time she and I were in a staff meeting when our nutcase boss went off on another staffer. It was amazing to watch Boss become aware of her silent gaze; it made him very uncomfortable. (I wouldn't advise doing this to strangers, but believe me, it works wonders on friends and family!)

Good one. The key is to be calm, cool and collected and don't let the bully get you flustered. This can cause the abusive person to feel uncomfortable. Another technique I've seen used when an outragious comment is made is to wait silently for a few moments then ask them to repeat or clarify the statement. Often cruel things are said in the heat of a moment and sometimes the bully realizes how foolish their comment was - particulary if everyone else is calmly observing them acting like an a$$ .

 

[MikeD]

You can either avoid or confront.

I vaguely remember my Internist telling me that there were three kinds of people, Avoiders, Confronters, and some third kind that I can't remember now. He brought it up in order to point out to me that I was the only 100% avoider in his practice. He said people were composed of parts of all three types. I have been an avoider since age 4, when one of my mother's friend's sons of the same age group hit me in the head, trying to start a fight. I ran from the scene and declined to go back. My father suggested that I hit him back, even harder. My response: (which my father never let me forget) Why, he'll just hit me again?

Mike D. - Avoiding unplesant people since 1958.

 

[slimm]

Way to go, MikeD, avoiding unpleasant people since 1958. Most of the nastiness I have encountered in business & social situations is from men shorter than I.
Since I'm 6ft. tall & usually wear heels...well, you get my drift. Socially, I usually just giggle, then really laugh, as I walk away. Former business settings, (ER'd at 45) I'd get as close as possible to the perp. and "look down at him" expressionless, just stare a hole in him. Basically, I've just always avoided short men, cuz I figured one way or another, they are going to try to either bully me or put me down.
Last fall, after a delightful and short courtship (divorced since 87), I married the love of my life - yup, you guessed it - he's 5'7". Our fights (ooops, I mean disagreements)have been interesting. I've had to learn new skills, as my darling husband is a world champion bull rider and a 6' woman does not intimidate a man who has battled 2000 lb+ bulls! Life - what a wonderful ,interesting journey!

 

[tryan]

Need to put the remarks back on the attacker. Say "How does it feel to insult your friend? Do you feel better now?"

CALL THEM ON IT !! The attacks will stop pronto.

It is always - in fact - about them (the attacker). So make it about them.

 

[Bimmerbill]

Generally, I couldn't care what other people think about me. I care what my family thinks. So stuff won't bother me. I guess I tend to avoid the situation/person, instead of confronting them.

I am getting better at confronting rude/abusive people. It takes some practice, but I won't let myself be treated poorly. Therapy is helping my passive aggressive tendencies.

Strange, I never capitalized on my 6'6" height. Guess I never perfected the physical imposing techniques.

 

[bbbamI]

When someone is rude to me, I say..."Bless your heart...you must have been weaned on a pickle. That's a shame darlin'...."

If they want to go another round with me, I give 'em my 'look' and say nothing. Sometimes silence speaks louder than words.