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Old 12-24-2019, 12:42 PM   #21
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I am very sorry for your grief, and the horrible changes you are having to survive. Am no stranger to grief myself, nor to having to make a new life under unexpected and undesirable conditions. But I bet you are Scrapr through and through, not some other identity.

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I am a bit "lost" right now. Lost my wife and love of my life 7 months ago. I am having to make a new life and i hate it. We were right on the verge of being able to do most anything we wanted. Travel, friends, dogs. We had spent several years getting the finances in order. 566 days later that life is over.

So yes, I'm "finding myself" I would not wish this on anyone

and FB is silly. Bunch of people putting on the "perfect" life for others to praise & "like" them....IMO

example: one of Mrs Scraprs friends posted up on FB with a bunch of Mrs & her long time friends. getting together for lunch. My friends are so important, etc. Got lots of likes. Good for her. She sent a Christmas card to me this week with a picture of the family. No note of concern or anything else. We have not talked since the Celebration. Maybe that's a one off
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Old 12-24-2019, 12:44 PM   #22
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I lost my first wife 9 years ago between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Did lots of sobbing. I think it was 3 to 4 years that I needed to be able to watch Christmas shows without blubbering bad. Yeah, sucks. Sorry to hear Scrapr.

But time does heal and now I have wife number 2. And dogs eight and nine. And a Christmas tree again and lights up. Took 3 years for me to get that far.

All the best!
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Old 12-24-2019, 12:47 PM   #23
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See, I don't get that at all. I would say don't get married until mid-20's because you probably don't make enough money yet to run a good household and raise kids.

But it's got nothing to do with "knowing who I am."
It's not as if at 24 I was this one kind of person, and at 27 I became someone completely different! I certainly know and understand a lot more than I did at age 10, but I think I was almost exactly the same, otherwise.
Probably why you don't get it then.

Me, I was all over the place before I was 25, a bit crazed with one foot back in 18.
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Old 12-24-2019, 12:48 PM   #24
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Thanks. I know I'm in the early stages. I'm working on it. But the grief is coming at me pretty hard in the Season.
There's no easy fix I'm afraid. I'd advise against making any major decisions for at least a year or more, (preferably more).

I figured I was handling things 'pretty well'.......a year or so later it was "What on earth was I thinking?"
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Old 12-24-2019, 12:53 PM   #25
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But it's got nothing to do with "knowing who I am."
It's not as if at 24 I was this one kind of person, and at 27 I became someone completely different! I certainly know and understand a lot more than I did at age 10, but I think I was almost exactly the same, otherwise.
Definitely not the case for me. Around 28 or 29 it was like a light bulb went off and I went "Ohhhhhh! Got it!" It was almost instantaneous, like a matter of months and I took on a whole different personality.
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Old 12-24-2019, 12:53 PM   #26
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I'm not sure, as I don't think I've ever lost myself. But I think it means that one has found what in life is important and gives meaning, or how to be fulfilled as a person. The lost souls are floating through life without direction, purpose, satisfaction, or happiness.


This is exactly what I take this to mean. It’s all about finding what’s meaningful and fulfilling to you. Some people choose careers and partners that are not in alignment with their “authentic self”. I have been there before and many of us can relate.
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What do people mean by "losing" or "finding" themselves?
Old 12-24-2019, 01:07 PM   #27
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What do people mean by "losing" or "finding" themselves?

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See, I don't get that at all. I would say don't get married until mid-20's because you probably don't make enough money yet to run a good household and raise kids.



But it's got nothing to do with "knowing who I am."

It's not as if at 24 I was this one kind of person, and at 27 I became someone completely different! I certainly know and understand a lot more than I did at age 10, but I think I was almost exactly the same, otherwise.


This may be true for you and many others but for quite a few people as they mature they become different people. I know I am more open minded, kinder and much more empathetic than when I was younger so yes I am a different person now. Of course your underlying personality doesn’t really change but the way you relate to others can change immensely.
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Old 12-24-2019, 01:27 PM   #28
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If you have ever been to the mountains and felt like I did, the following song applies to a greatly to this thread;

Rocky Mountain High
John Denver
He was born in the summer of his 27th year
Coming home to a place he'd never been before
He left yesterday behind him, you might say he was born again
You might say he found a key for every door
When he first came to the mountains his life was far away
On the road and hanging by a song
But the string's already broken and he doesn't really care
It keeps changing fast and it don't last for long
But the Colorado rocky mountain high
I've seen it rainin' fire in the sky
The shadow from the starlight is softer than a lullabye
Rocky mountain high (Colorado)
He climbed cathedral mountains, he saw silver clouds below
He saw everything as far as you can see
And they say that he got crazy once and he tried to touch the sun
And he lost a friend but kept his memory
Now he walks in quiet solitude the forest and the streams
Seeking grace in every step he takes
His sight has turned inside himself to try and understand
The serenity of a clear blue mountain lake
And the Colorado rocky mountain high
I've seen it raining fire in the sky
You can talk to God and listen to the casual reply
Rocky mountain high
Now his life is full of wonder but his heart still knows some fear
Of a simple thing he cannot comprehend
Why they try to tear the mountains down to bring in a couple more
More people, more scars upon the land
And the Colorado rocky mountain high
I've seen it rainin' fire in the sky
I know he'd be a poorer man if he never saw an eagle fly
Rocky mountain high
It's Colorado rocky mountain high
I've seen it rainin' fire in the sky
Friends around the campfire and everybody's high
Rocky mountain high
Rocky mountain high
Rocky mountain high
Rocky mountain high
Rocky mountain high
Rocky mountain high
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Old 12-24-2019, 01:28 PM   #29
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What do people mean by words like this? What does "losing yourself" or "finding yourself" mean?
I take this to mean a time in your life when you've lost confidence, self esteem, self worth and possibly depression. I guess that includes substance abuse.

When you find yourself, confidence and self esteem etc. comes back. I can think of a few times in my life...a guy I thought I loved broke up with me, I didn't get the promotion I thought I deserved and worked hard for, my family close to bankruptcy when DF killed in car accident, what Scrapr went through (devastating). I'm lucky I came through those experiences a happy and confident person. Not everyone does. Life kicks you in the ass (lost yourself). A door opens and a the path to happiness opens (found yourself).

BTW, I do not FB. I think it contributes to mental illness.
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Old 12-24-2019, 01:28 PM   #30
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I am a bit "lost" right now.
So sorry you have this to deal with.
There is only one thing that helps, and that is time. Often quite a lot of it, but slowly, gradually, it does help.
All the best.
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Old 12-24-2019, 01:33 PM   #31
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Here's another example of finding yourself I think several can agree with here.

Say you work at a very stressful job. All your friends work at a very stressful job. You decide to retire early while your friends still toil away because that's what they think they are supposed to do.

You've found yourself as in your heart of hearts you know what's best for you is to call it a career while others are still doing what is expected of them feeling as the've lost themselves.
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Old 12-24-2019, 01:56 PM   #32
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Tough crowd here in Lake Woebegone...
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Old 12-24-2019, 02:05 PM   #33
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Tough crowd here in Lake Woebegone...
Verily.

“He who knows others is wise; he who knows himself is enlightened.”
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Old 12-24-2019, 02:19 PM   #34
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Yet another one of this type of post on FB...mystifying me yet again.

"Of all the roads she's traveled, the journey back to herself was the most magnificent."

What do people mean by words like this? What does "losing yourself" or "finding yourself" mean?
...
I am sure it is one of the following interpretations:
1) A fluff phrase meaning nothing
2) A physicist's reference to special relativity.
3) Nearly hitting the event horizon and getting away before the black hole got her.

I like #2. She cloned herself then got in a space ship and traveled at near the speed of light. Upon return she met her old self, but she was still a pretty young thing.
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Old 12-24-2019, 03:01 PM   #35
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Reminds me of some folks taking off a year after college to find themselves.
My daughter and one of her friends went to New Zealand for 6 months after college 25 years ago. I still kid her that she went looking for herself after college and found herself in NZ. (As with many of Dad's other jokes that "never get old" this only merits a well-practiced eye roll.)
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Old 12-24-2019, 03:15 PM   #36
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The feeling is probably mutual on their part.
That's just about exactly what I was thinking.

I have never been a found myself or lost myself type person but I have had a couple of extreme life changing events (good and bad). I don't feel like I should be judging how somebody else feels. Good for them if they are happy.
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Old 12-24-2019, 03:35 PM   #37
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Dear Scrapr,
Our hearts go out to you. we both lost our spouses withing 5 months of each other.
Here is a thought about grief:
Grief is like the wake behind a boat. It starts out as a huge wave that follows close behind you and is big enough to swamp and drown you if you suddenly stop moving forward. But if you do keep moving, the big wake will eventually dissipate. And after a long enough time, the waters of your life get calm again, and that is when the memories of those who have left begin to shine as bright and as enduring as the stars above.
We wish you the best
Souschef & Kayelle
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Old 12-25-2019, 12:11 PM   #38
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People have a lot of ways of estranging themselves from how they really think and feel, or what they really want or prefer. The list of defenses against internal discomfort (which can come from recognition of these thoughts/feelings/desires) is a mile long. By engaging, usually unconsciously, in those defenses, people become estranged from themselves, i.e., from what they really feel, think, want, like, prefer, etc. They lose touch with it.

It's a complex subject. There are many, many ways to lose touch with who you are. It's not always defense. Sometimes it's idealization, i.e., imagining yourself to be better than you really are. Sometimes it's simple busyness and distraction or a chronic external focus. Sometimes it's lack of self-awareness. Sometimes it's about trying to shape yourself for others.
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Old 12-25-2019, 12:16 PM   #39
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Eric Carmen song, in case the YouTube preview doesn't show.
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Old 12-25-2019, 02:06 PM   #40
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During my second marriage at 22 for 22 long years I totally lost myself. I had to be different to keep the peace. One Saturday morning I dreamt that I looked in the mirror and my face was missing. I woke up screaming. That’s when I knew I had to go. I had truly lost myself.
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