What pets write in their diaries

[Trek]

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


Excerpts from a Cat 's Daily Diary...

Day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.


There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

​

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

 

[Gotadimple]

IF DOGS SENT LETTERS TO GOD...
Dear God: Why do humans smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the Jaguar, the Cougar, the Mustang, the Colt, the Stingray, and the Rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a Cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog:
1.I will not eat cat's food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2.I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3.I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.
4.The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
5.The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and dad's laps.
6.The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
7.My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
8.I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for mom's Drivers License and registration.
9.I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
10.Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying 'hello.'
11.I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm laying under the coffee table.
12.I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
13.I will not throw up in the car.
14.I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
15.I will not sit in the middle of the living-room and lick my crotch when company is over.
16.The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

Dear God: May I have my testicles back?