What would you do in a family crisis as this?

[mystang52]

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Originally Posted by gwraigty In a recent post, you said that you and DH are 62. Since the child in question is only 1, you'll be 79 by the time the child turns 18. I'm 57 and a parent of 2 kids, 25 and 23. I love them dearly and have no regrets, but no, I wouldn't want to do it all over again at my age, unless it was a grandchild of mine and there were no better options. My grandparents raised me, but they were in their early to mid-40s when I was born. Big difference. Plus, my great-grandparents were in their 60s and available to help out in a grandparent-type supporting role. [/B]

The sentence in bold italics is a convincing, credible, and polite explanation to your BIL, in the event you are concerned about BIL's reaction.

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Originally Posted by calmloki Looks like your husband's brother and wife are honoring you two - saying that of all the people they know you two are the ones they admire the most and would trust to raise their child. We had neighbors who were in the military and when one went over to Iraq they asked us to sign on as guardians for their kid. She was ten or so. The odds were tiny that we would be called on to care for the kid, but we are responsible people and it gave them some comfort to feel they had done what they could do for their child should the worst come to pass. Respect the honor being conferred upon you and humbly thank them for that before telling them you cannot accept out of concern for your inability to adequately protect and nurture their child in your dotage.

2nd point you can mention to BIL.

[Sunset]

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Originally Posted by Rianne DH brother asked us to be legal guardians to his 1 year old daughter if he (DB and DSI) die. We do not have children. His life insurance would go towards raising her ($1M). ....

I was thinking about this last night as there is a related issue.

The parents of this child are missing a more likely event than both dying. It's far more likely just one of them will die, rather than both.

Instead of DB having $1 M insurance, it would be better for them to each have $500,000 insurance. Or at least add $500,000 for DSI.
Both insurances could be term insurance for 20 years.

That way if both die, there is still $1 M for the child.
If DB dies, the DSI can probably scrape by on $500,000 ?

The big issue they are missing is what if DSI dies ?
DB will need to hire help (daycare) etc to work while taking care of child, since he will still have to work.

DSI getting insurance will be less cost than DB getting insurance as rates are lower for women.

[Rianne]

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Originally Posted by Sunset I was thinking about this last night as there is a related issue. The parents of this child are missing a more likely event than both dying. It's far more likely just one of them will die, rather than both. Instead of DB having $1 M insurance, it would be better for them to each have $500,000 insurance. Or at least add $500,000 for DSI. Both insurances could be term insurance for 20 years. That way if both die, there is still $1 M for the child. If DB dies, the DSI can probably scrape by on $500,000 ? The big issue they are missing is what if DSI dies ? DB will need to hire help (daycare) etc to work while taking care of child, since he will still have to work. DSI getting insurance will be less cost than DB getting insurance as rates are lower for women.

Excellent points. I don't think either of them thought these issues. DBI's healthcare is not so good. Obese and a few other things. If she passed, there stands a big problem with care (honestly only a daycare or full time care person could do) that you mentioned.

DSI is much younger and healthy but would need extra $$. The deal is they own/manage 2 small strip malls that require upkeep and renting out the spaces. She would probably sell the properties. This does get complicated as the other part is who will take on the financial part of all this. So, the child is only one part of the picture.

[Teacher Terry]

When we were younger we had asked people to fill this role and put it in our will. We were guardians for a few of our friends. You don’t ask seniors to fill this role. They are too old.

[Dreamer]

Rianne, I agree that you need to let them know that you are not interested in being the child's guardian and give them your reasons if you choose. You are not being selfish.

My son never wanted to have children and said he was too selfish. I told him that it was hard having children, even when one really, really wants them. I told him that he was not being selfish at all.

My daughter has 3 children ages 4, 5 and almost 12. I am not sure what would happen to the children if they were both to die. We are 67 and 68 yrs old and I would not hesitate to take them, if the worst were to happen. However, I don't feel it would be fair to the kids. I think they would need younger people to rear them. I have spent several months helping them, when they needed help and love being with them and they love when I come to NC to be with them. Their other grandmother is in her 50s, but I would not want her rearing them. We have different theories on rearing children. I would not want my son to rear them, even though he said that he would of course do it, simply because he never children.

[Dreamer]

Forgot to add:

I had 2 children that would have went to my older sister (best friend) and her DH, if something happened to us. They had 5 children who would come to us. I think that all of us were relieved when all of our children were adults.

[ivinsfan]

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Originally Posted by Bamaman My daughter was deemed an unfit mother by the local Circuit Court Judge. She was/is into drugs and hangs around with criminals--to put it bluntly. Her son went to live with his father, and we see him every other weekend. Our granddaughter came to live with us permanently at age 4. She's almost 9 now, and doing great. We didn't plan on starting another family in our retirement years, but you have to do what you have to do. We didn't want our granddaughter growing up in state foster care where so many "parents" are just in it for the money. If something happens where we cannot take care of Brynley, she'll go to her 50 year old aunt out of state who will take care of her. We have a Special Needs Trust where the money to raise the young lady is in place to where she won't be any fiscal drain on anyone. It's tough to be in your 70's with a 4th grader, but we take care of our own in our family.

That's admirable on your part but once parental rights have been terminated children can be put up for adoption, it's not always a foster care situation. I'll take issue with your statement about foster care too. MY DD best friend from college married and had infertilely issues , rather then do in vitro they joined the foster care system and lovingly foster several children until they were able to adopt a newborn baby boy. No one gets rich fostering needy kids and kids can find loving homes with adoptive parents. In some families "taking care of their own" might mean finding a child a loving family through adoption and that's OK.

[ivinsfan]

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Originally Posted by Teacher Terry When we were younger we had asked people to fill this role and put it in our will. We were guardians for a few of our friends. You don’t ask seniors to fill this role. They are too old.

MY youngest sister 1100 miles away wanted me to take her infant if necessary. I was already well into my 50's and it would have meant the kid would no contact with other extended family on both sides.

After we talked it over she decided our mid 20's niece and husband would be a much better choice

[rodi]

As the parent of kids - we've had to address this from your brother's perspective.

Definitely be honest with him. The age of the child, and your age are factors that should resonate.

We got our first estate documents when the kids were little. We had a 1st, 2nd, and 3rd choice figured out. First and 2nd choices were siblings of ours. 3rd choice was a favorite grown nephew (son of 2nd choice) who is close to our kids. When we redid the estate docs 2 years ago choice 2 opted to back out, stating she was too old. No problem. Nephew became the backup choice if my sister can't or won't do it. He's in his 30's and his partner is also on board.

Docs can be written so that one person has guardianship of the kids bodies, and another manages financial affairs. You might be a good choice for managing the expenses for the kids, even if you don't want to raise them. Someone else might be the perfect nurturer but a flake when it comes to money. Splitting the roles might be a solution.

[Rambler]

We have two kids. My sis and her husband have 5. They agreed to take ours (legal guardianship). We agreed to take theirs. This was 20 years ago when our kids were 8 and 12, they had 4 at the time, 8y.o. And under. Ours are grown and gone, 11 years now. They have one 14 year old left at home. We would still take him if needed. But, that’s just how we do things in our family. No judgment if that’s not what you’d do. In any case, we’d want legal guardianship, not adoption, so that family lineage could be maintained either way.

[Retired Expat]

I was in my mid to late 20’s and single when my sister and brother in law asked me. There were other family members with kids but they felt more secure that I would be able to afford to raise them and be a good parent.

Fortunately nothing ever came of it and her boys are now all adults. But I have a friend who was single when her brother and sister in law were both killed in a car accident. She was the named guardian. She was single and 10 years later still is. The girls are her life and she is a great mom and gets more out of it I think then the girls do.

I think we should all step up when duty calls and we will feel better about ourselves knowing we did and if thank God you never have to at least you and your family know they could have counted on you

[Teacher Terry]

Expat, people need to want to do it and be physically able. If you do it out of a sense of duty the kids will suffer. We would have done it when younger and raising our kids. We are now too old and intend to enjoy our retirement. We have met people traveling that are in their 70’s and raising grandchildren. One couple had a two year old on a harness because otherwise he would get away from him. They were also raising a 14 year old. You could tell that the year old was too much for them.

[Rianne]

OP here. I appreciate the responses. We decided if DBI and DSI want to put this in their trust we're fine with it. We would absolutely take care of her, she's 7 months old ( I initially said a year but close enough). I got nervous about absolute legal responsibility. I just didn't understand how that worked. The more we talked about it we're warming to the idea. She (our niece) will soon have a cousin in Italy. We'll take care of family one way or another. Ha! It's not like inheriting a house or car. A little person is a big deal. : > )

[MuirWannabe]

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Originally Posted by Rianne OP here. I appreciate the responses. We decided if DBI and DSI want to put this in their trust we're fine with it. We would absolutely take care of her, she's 7 months old ( I initially said a year but close enough). I got nervous about absolute legal responsibility. I just didn't understand how that worked. The more we talked about it we're warming to the idea. She (our niece) will soon have a cousin in Italy. We'll take care of family one way or another. Ha! It's not like inheriting a house or car. A little person is a big deal. : > )

Good for y’all. You carefully considered it, and made a good and nice decision. If I was the requesting party, that would give me confidence in my decision for my child.

[Golden sunsets]

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Originally Posted by pjm-7 You need to express your concerns now when you can help them look at all options. When my brother's children were small he and SIL named someone in her family to raise the children. I was named as the financial guardian to manage the money for the children because of my financial background. Raising children is not something I would do but I could assist with the financial well-being. This would have assisted the family member who has physical custody. If there are other ways you can assist let that be known so they can include that in their planning process.

This is something similar to what we did. DH and I are both only children. Wirh 2 young children, when it came time to draft wills and name guardians, seeing that neither of us had siblings we named a best friend and his wife as financial guardians, and my parents as custodial guardians.