Why is Socializing Tiring for Introverts?

[Sue J]

I thought I was the only one feeling all this. I'm comfortable being an introvert and I need plenty of alone time.

My extrovert/social butterfly/constantly networking sister thinks something is wrong with me and has tried to fix me. I've actually enjoyed her occasionally dragging me into her social circle because it's rare that I meet new people. When I'm with her and her group I can sit back and listen and enjoy without getting too entangled. Yes, I go home exhausted, reevaluating anything I said out loud, but then I know I won't get invited again for a few months.

When my kids were in elementary school I would run into a neighbor who had a kid in the same grade as one of my sons. She kept inviting me "over for coffee" and I kept making excuses. She was starting to be insulted so I finally agreed to "stop by". Ugh, she was a gossip and a complainer and talked about all the drivel in her life until the whole morning went by and I was dying to get out of there and go home. After that, every time I ran into her she wanted to get together again. Just what I needed was to waste another morning wrapped in her negativity.

From the Revenge article -

Quote:

As a card-carrying introvert, I am one of the many people whose personality confers on them a preference for the inner world of their own mind rather than the outer world of sociability. Depleted by too much external stimulation, we thrive on reflection and solitude. Our psychic opposites, extraverts, prefer schmoozing and social life because such activities boost their mood. They get bored by too much solitude.

That's it right there.

[Bimmerbill]

I'm with Kiem. It tires me out trying to pretend I give a f*ck.
Plus, I believe I have some social anxiety left over from years of being a nerd/geek/the guy you hate for blowing the curve on every exam.

I'm working on it tho.

[haha]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bimmerbill I'm with Kiem. It tires me out trying to pretend I give a f*ck.

This is the part I cannot understand. These people are not asking for marriage, just a bit of interaction. Very few people are not interesting in some way or another. Truly obnoxious or hostile people certainly exist, but are not often found at social gatherings.

People would rather clear brush, or clean out cat litter, than talk to other humans?

Ha

[Keim]

Quote:

Originally Posted by haha This is the part I cannot understand. These people are not asking for marriage, just a bit of interaction. People would rather clear brush, or clean out cat litter, than talk to other humans? Ha

Brush? Yes.
Cat litter? I'll need to reflect on that for a moment...

[TromboneAl]

Quote:

Originally Posted by samclem I remember once DW left her coat behind by mistake, realized it before we got to the car, and I prevailed on her to just keep going--better to get it later, or abandon it entirely, than go back in after completing the "goodbye ritual."

That makes you a "coyote introvert."

[samclem]

Quote:

Originally Posted by haha This is the part I cannot understand. These people are not asking for marriage, just a bit of interaction. Very few people are not interesting in some way or another.

All true. But the interesting stuff is quite a bit below the surface for most of us. And, lots of it (politics, religion, money, sex, LBYM techniques, etc) is strictly off the table in polite company. So, in the mass meet and greet we get to discuss the kids, Jimmy's sandwich, weather, the horribleness of the local street construction, etc. It might take two days of solid talking to get comfortable enough with each other to get to the good stuff ("you think women are winners in the struggle between men and women? Why is that? I don't see a struggle, I see . . . "). This could be fun, but it ain't gonna happen at an office party.

That's the great thing about this forum: a common set of interests (ER), but also folks can elect to join in any conversation or just "go home"--no offense taken. And, you get right past all the chit-chat and can dive into the meatier discussions that are much more fun.

Quote:

Originally Posted by TromboneAl That makes you a "coyote introvert."

Yep. If my arm had gotten shut in the door on the way out, I'd have chewed it off rather knock.

[donheff]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bimmerbill I'm with Kiem. It tires me out trying to pretend I give a f*ck.

I don't get it. If that is how you feel why go in the first place?

Quote:

Originally Posted by haha This is the part I cannot understand. These people are not asking for marriage, just a bit of interaction.

+1 They aren't even asking for interaction, they are just interacting. You don't need to stay if you don't want to. In fact, you don't need to go in the first place.

[ladypatriot]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bestwifeever (I fixed it--

Thank you! I'll be more careful when deleting portions of a quote.

[Bestwifeever]

Sometimes at social gatherings (okay, any place) extreme non-introverts (way beyond the nice extroverts on this board) glom onto introverts and it's blah blah blah as they get out their need to interact; sometimes I feel I'm just a pair of ears (DH is one of those people so we are the perfect couple ). The interaction is fairly one-sided in those cases and I too find my fellow introverts (we can identify each other with that secret look where we don't meet anyone's eyes) for standard conversation-style socializing.

[FreeAtLast]

Very interesting comments. I seem to have the same problem but have learned to deal with it to a certain degree. I still don't feel comfortable in new social settings.

Business meeting don't seem to bother me at all. My guess is that I spend too much time thinking about what others say and not enough time speaking.

[Amethyst]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sue J She kept inviting me "over for coffee" and I kept making excuses.... Ugh, she was a gossip and a complainer and talked about all the drivel in her life

When did it become fashionable to label "extraverted," those folks we used to call simply "bores"?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bimmerbill years of being a nerd/geek/the guy you hate for blowing the curve on every exam.

I'm curious, how did people find out it was you, so they could hate you? Did the professors post grades AND names? I somehow managed to keep my grades to myself in school, and nobody outside school has ever shown the slightest interest in my GPA.

Quote:

Originally Posted by haha Very few people are not interesting in some way or another. Ha

Except Sue J.'s bore, and others like her! Saints preserve us from their ilk!

Amethyst

[Midpack]

Wow, this thread had more substance than I thought it would -there is some very good stuff here!

I'm an introvert by nature, but I've learned to be an extrovert in work situations just like I've learned other job responsibilities that don't come naturally. I am the guy who has to keep the conversation going at work especially at social events or with customers, so I've just learned how to do it (mostly) without resorting to drivel.

It's interesting how many (NOT ALL) real extroverts rely on

'the weather' (we already know),
the game last night (some care, some don't),
laughing at every remark whether it's funny or not (really tiring IMO),
excessive alcohol,
and other senseless babble

just to appear to carry a conversation with strangers.

It is tiring making small talk, but it turns me off more due to boredom than anything else. And I won't have to do it for work much longer, but the ability to do it may come in handy in retirement too, so I'm glad I learned how...

[haha]

When I was dressing at the gym today I was reminded of a failsafe way to crawl out of introvert discomfort. Just channel Magic Johnson or any Afro-American preacher. By the time you get done fist bumping and knee dipping and hand slapping and hugging and back thumping, it's time to go home already. And you and everybody in the room feels very relaxed too.

Ha

[Ronstar]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Keim Brush? Yes.

+1

In the few social gatherings I attend, it seems to me that some extroverts start jabbering to amuse themselves and to show that they are somehow better than others at the gathering. Very tiring for us introverts.

[haha]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ronstar +1 In the few social gatherings I attend, it seems to me that some extroverts start jabbering to amuse themselves and to show that they are somehow better than others at the gathering. Very tiring for us introverts.

This is pure paranoia. I doubt an extrovert has ever given any thought to anything remotedly related to this.

[Ronstar]

Quote:

Originally Posted by haha This is pure paranoia. I doubt an extrovert has ever given any thought to anything remotedly related to this.

I hope I detect a hint of sarcasm. Arrogant people tend to be extroverts, and sometimes the arrogance tires me.

[haha]

You may be right, I am not aware of these things but it may be just because I do not correctly identify them. I don't notice that other people bother to think about me much one way or another, and maybe I cannot identify arrogance well, because I was only sure that one person in my entire life could be called arrogant, and I knew him very well as he was my brother. But I don't think that he was an extrovert.

I think I do not have a good understanding of this whole introversion/extraversion thing. It surprises me to find that it seems to be a meaningful issue in some lives.

Ha

[Ronstar]

Quote:

Originally Posted by haha You may be right, I am not aware of these things but it may be just because I do not correctly identify them. I don't notice that other people bother to think about me much one way or another, and maybe I cannot identify arrogance well, because I was only sure that one person in my entire life could be called arrogant, and I knew him very well as he was my brother. But I don't think that he was an extrovert. I think I do not have a good understanding of this whole introversion/extraversion thing. It surprises me to find that it seems to be a meaningful issue in some lives. Ha

Maybe I'm unfairly stereotyping extroverts as arrogant. My former boss (arrogant, extrovert) told me that I was not a "team player" since I was an introvert. So maybe my opinions are a little askew.

Its good that you have the type of friends, etc where this hasn't become an issue.

[Gumby]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ronstar +1 In the few social gatherings I attend, it seems to me that some extroverts start jabbering to amuse themselves and to show that they are somehow better than others at the gathering. Very tiring for us introverts.

It has been my experience that one should never attribute to malice what can be explained by sloth, ignorance or heedlessness. Most people are really not out deliberately to "get you" or to show you up (or anyone else for that matter). In fact, they are not thinking about you at all; they are thinking about themselves, as virtually all humans do.

[bbbamI]

Why is Socializing Tiring for Introverts?

I marked out 'for introverts' since I am not one for the most part. However, I do have two reasons socializing can be tiring for me.

1. My bra never pinches me until I'm out in public. Pinching bras make me squirm.

2. Seems I'm constantly sneaking a peek at my teeth in the mirror. I'm afraid I have lipstick on them or a jalapeño pepper.

Otherwise I always find something to laugh about.