Work-related social events question

[audreyh1]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sanstar The party is labeled “Christmas Party” on Sat before Xmas. I do like the idea of DH tending to his work-related social duties and I’ll spend a delightful evening with my new 7 mos old grandson! Good idea, Steelyman!

Hey, he can give excuses for you having to babysit!

[gcgang]

Any w*rk related function is w*rk.

[Aerides]

While I fully sympathize with not wanting to go to the event, the bigger issue here sounds like your DH. Why is he putting you in this situation (again)? He knows you, and presumably he knows this is not something you'd enjoy, and this is a discussion you've had in the past?

If you haven't been perfectly clear with him before, I say, go, smile, fake it for a night, and make it known to him this is the absolute last time ever.

If you have been perfectly clear, then you have to sit down and have a long talk.

[MrsHaloFIRE]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aerides While I fully sympathize with not wanting to go to the event, the bigger issue here sounds like your DH. Why is he putting you in this situation (again)? He knows you, and presumably he knows this is not something you'd enjoy, and this is a discussion you've had in the past? If you haven't been perfectly clear with him before, I say, go, smile, fake it for a night, and make it known to him this is the absolute last time ever. If you have been perfectly clear, then you have to sit down and have a long talk.

Lol he forwarded an email. OP doesn't describe whether DH even expressed his wishes one way or the other as far as I can tell. Go or don't. I think this is being taken as a personal affront and all it is is someone invited ppl to their house for a party. Everyone above a certain cut line got invited. No one is trying to alienate OP. Stay home. The DH should go if he wants. Not a big deal. (Also the Army wife in me gets a big kick out of a single invitation resulting in this uproar. Let me show you a peak career social calendar of mandatory social and ceremonial events. Daytime, nighttime, weekend, ball gown at 10 am in the snow. Burial in the driving rain. Thermals under dress clothes. Decorating. Hosting. Out of town conferences with attached social events.) Not "required" but "highly encouraged"

I will say my favorite part of christmas now is not being responsible for throwing a huge children's party complete with crafts, food and Santa! Hohoho!!

INTJ also.

[Bestwifeever]

There imo are only two questions the OP needs to answer to make this decision: A. does she want to go? And B is one I’d ask myself, does the spouse want her to go?

The rest of it (what about the people who work remotely? Why is it “Christmas”? Why does it have to be in December? I don’t eat dead animals. Etc.) is just noise that probably does not have an impact on the A and B answers. And I am no social butterfly.

[COcheesehead]

Quote:

Originally Posted by SumDay My DH is a social butterfly, and always the life of the party. I am a high-functioning introvert who becomes queasy when faced with a social occasion like this. I finally explained to him that there was NO reason for me to be at his work functions because once we get in the door, I could be kidnapped and he wouldn't notice until it was time for me to drive him home. He finally got it, but it took decades and many 'discussions' about it. I relish the time home alone, and he gets to go to the party and when he gets home his wife is happy and so is he. Just explain how unhappy these things make you. Social butterflies have a hard time grasping this concept.

Have you ever explored whether you have an anxiety disorder? This seems much ado about a party.

[Music Lover]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sanstar This troubles me on several levels. One, he already spends 5 days a week, all day with these guys. Not counting the extra work he has to occasionally do on weekends. These are work colleagues, not personal friends (and likely, never will be). I’d rather spend the evening with our own family and friends. “Christmas” has a lot of religious aspects to it so this work-related dinner doesn’t seem to me to be non-secular and inclusive. A lot of the employees are out of state and work remotely. How will they feel knowing the business owners invited the local team and spouses to their home knowing they can’t attend. I’ve always had very negative feelings about bosses who think they are doing their staff/employees a favor by taking them from their loved ones, even more than the job already requires, by hosting these type events during non-working hours.

A lot of people would enjoy meeting some of their significant other's co-workers. "Honey, how was your day" has more meaning when you've met some of the people they spend the day with. To me, it looks like the boss is trying to be accommodating.

Your attendance isn't mandatory and you always have the option to decline due to a "previous engagement". But, what if it was the other way around and you wanted to go but weren't invited? In that situation you don't have the option to invite yourself.

[Stormy Kromer]

When in business I would give my employees a decent sized gift certificate to a nice restaurant and some cash. I told them to hire a sitter and go have a nice time.


Eventually, I switched to just cash and told them to have fun.

[target2019]

Since December is filled with family events, it would be simple for an individual or couple to beg off. Babysitting a grandson sounds perfect.

I use similar excuse each year. There have been a few significant parties I've gone too. Half of them I regretted later.

My late brother and I were invited to a client's "show" one year. I went, and he declined. The reason? "How will this possibly improve my business relationship with the company." Nuff said.

[ivinsfan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sanstar Yes, spouses are specifically included. As a long time, very committed vegan I’d just as soon pass on any free dinner that includes dead animals on my plate (plus, all the discussion that goes with declining same).

I guess the problem is pretty much everything and anything then. Probably best if you don't go, but putting pressure on the spouse to decline isn't really cool IMO....

[swakyaby]

Quote:

Originally Posted by youbet Well yes, yes you are. You can easily: Make socially acceptable excuses (just to be polite) and don't go. No one will care.

I don’t get it, OP . . . I would feel pleased to be included on the guest list, rather than annoyed and resentful. Just have your DH politely decline for you. DH will feel more free at the party without you there.

[gamboolman]

Ms. Sanstar,

Respectfully - Just don't go. Your husband might be real glad you don't want to go. In my case that is a fact proven by 40+ year in the oil patch.

To Hell with them SOB's.... Ms. gamboogal knows that I will not heed my tongue at socials.....and if I have afew dirty birds...... well it can get interesting right GD quick - as I don't suffer fools and bosses.

Do you know what Boss is spelt backwards? Double SOB....ask me how I know....

[Rianne]

OP, it always felt like a strange obligation. I'd always see other wives sitting there, hating every minute, while DH chats about work with work friends. Now that I look back, it was social torture lol. I could not wait to leave many of the parties. The "company" expects the spouse to attend. I'm getting creeped out thinking about this. Sort of like the Stepford Wives. You brought up some painful memories. DH did make good $$ which allowed us to FIRE in the end.

[youbet]

Quote:

Originally Posted by gcgang Any w*rk related function is w*rk.

Exactly! That'w why when folks say they are "semi-retired," I remind them that actually they are "working part time!"

[youbet]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aerides While I fully sympathize with not wanting to go to the event, the bigger issue here sounds like your DH. Why is he putting you in this situation (again)? He knows you, and presumably he knows this is not something you'd enjoy, and this is a discussion you've had in the past? If you haven't been perfectly clear with him before, I say, go, smile, fake it for a night, and make it known to him this is the absolute last time ever. If you have been perfectly clear, then you have to sit down and have a long talk.

And this should be a two way street with OP never expecting DH to attend an event with her unless it's something he really wants to do, work related or not.

[Sanstar]

Quote:

Originally Posted by youbet And this should be a two way street with OP never expecting DH to attend an event with her unless it's something he really wants to do, work related or not.

It is a two way street. I avoided all after -hours, work-related social events...until I reached a level in the organization when I couldn’t. Then, I bought a set of CD’s titled, “How to Make Small Talk” (mid-90’s). Studied and practiced just like mastering any other job skill. DH was offered every opportunity to not attend but he actually enjoys them so always came. What I learned is that it’s easy to figure out who has also mastered and practices “small talk” vs who’s enduring the event until he/she can bail vs who genuinely enjoys being there.

Clearly there are members in all camps; all for the right reasons. For now, I’ll stick to my plan of retiring from work related social events and hope DH continues to enjoy the additional time spent with his work colleagues.

[Sanstar]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stormy Kromer When in business I would give my employees a decent sized gift certificate to a nice restaurant and some cash. I told them to hire a sitter and go have a nice time. Eventually, I switched to just cash and told them to have fun.

What a nice example of being a thoughtful, respectful employer, IMHO.

[CoolRich59]

Unless there are political ramifications that your DH is aware of, there should be no issue if he shows up sans spouse. My DW felt the same way and I routinely attended these types of events without her and nothing was ever said.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sanstar I’ve always had very negative feelings about bosses who think they are doing their staff/employees a favor by taking them from their loved ones, even more than the job already requires, by hosting these type events during non-working hours.

My megacorp was an Olympics sponsor and several employees were recognized by having their names put in for a drawing for a week-long, all-expenses paid trip to the Olympics. I was recognized by two different teams that I supported and so my name was in the drawing twice.

One of our execs asked me what I thought of this "honor" and I responded in much the same way as you indicated. I told him that I had put in lots of long hours, nights and weekends, and the company's idea of rewarding me is to take me away from my family for an entire week?

I guess I should have been more diplomatic, but was at a point where I no longer cared. Not surprisingly, not only did I not get selected for the trip to the Olympics, but I never again received any corporate awards or acknowledgments of any kind.

[MRG]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sanstar What a nice example of being a thoughtful, respectful employer, IMHO.

+1

I stayed away from many Megacorp events. Why? Well they didn't always include spouses, except some "special spouses".

If an event was all inclusive, either way, we would consider attending. The special spouse events I would decline and explain the reason.

[Morgan22]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sanstar What a nice example of being a thoughtful, respectful employer, IMHO.

+1. I wish my employer did this!