Broke Up with Girlfriend Over Refusing to Loan Her Money

[bclover]

Felipe - Whom you choose to marry is the biggest decision you will likely ever have to make in your life. Treat it with such importance. This is a decision that you will either live with the rest of your life, or will haunt you for the rest of your life.

Rich

+1
Felipe,
I am the mom of two young adults. My 21 year old has no where near your wealth, he's a jr in college and working while studying is hard for him so we encourage him to work less, study more.

Anyhoo, this is some of the advice I've give them.

1) 21,22, 23 are your formative years. It's really the time where you are discovering what YOU like and will be. Now I know there are folks who fell in love with their h.s. sweetie but if that's not you spend some time figuring out what brings you joy.

2) Take money out of the equation. very hard to do but try and figure out the underlying CHARACTERISTICS of the person. for example, when someone gets into a tight financial spot does he/she sit back, ask for a loan and then whine or do they get to figuring out how handle the emergency. One thing I love about my 24 year old, boyfriend will work. right now He's focusing on getting his own apartment, which in center city Philly can be a challenge.

3) take money out of the equation part two. skip the financial discussions for your "fiancee". why would a girlfriend need to know this information.

4) Now I disagree with some of the other posters in that financial/spending habits can and do change. I absolutely have a different attitude about money now that I am 55 then I did when I was 25. My late husband and I were wildly different. He was a better saver and I was a better shopper. our combination worked wonderful for us because we had similar goals and we supported each other's strong areas.
For example, my husband definitely let me spend the family money. on vacations, He knew that I am a bargain hunter extraordinaire. when we took vacations you better believe I got the best prices for flights, hotels and activities.
He was into the financial planning so that's where I let him excel.

Now my son's very much suffer from "long term itis". It's really hard for them to understand saving for retirement when they have many short term goals (own place, travel, girls). they both just recently got jobs that offered 401K's but I had to fight with them to get them to save at least 3%.

Enjoy your twenties,

 

[PhrugalPhan]

4) Now I disagree with some of the other posters in that financial/spending habits can and do change. I absolutely have a different attitude about money now that I am 55 then I did when I was 25. My late husband and I were wildly different. He was a better saver and I was a better shopper. our combination worked wonderful for us because we had similar goals and we supported each other's strong areas.
For example, my husband definitely let me spend the family money. on vacations, He knew that I am a bargain hunter extraordinaire. when we took vacations you better believe I got the best prices for flights, hotels and activities.
He was into the financial planning so that's where I let him excel.

Now your case may not be what I am going to describe, but I think this shows that spending habits *may* change, but only when forced to. If you're the cash cow, and your S.O. is happy that way, they are not going to change, no matter how much you try to make them change. I was that way for my ex (I was the cash cow), the only way I got her to change was to cut her off the CCs and force her to actually spend her earnings. All of a sudden she was much more aware of the cost of things.

Once you enable them you'll have a long fight to get them off the teat. I know I did .

 

[jollystomper]

And you weren't?

No, I can say than honestly. I cared more about her friendship than a physical relationship. Having three sisters and seeing how guys tried to take advantage of them was one reason I chose the "gentleman" route when dating. Which, interestingly enough, tended to generate more interest from the other party.

 

[simple girl]

No, I can say than honestly. I cared more about her friendship than a physical relationship. Having three sisters and seeing how guys tried to take advantage of them was one reason I chose the "gentleman" route when dating. Which, interestingly enough, tended to generate more interest from the other party.

Thank you for valuing women for more than just their bodies! So refreshing!

 

[haha]

And you weren't?

Nope, he is purer than the driven snow. Why would a woman be interested in you if you weren't after something? She can have all the female friends anybody could ever need, platonic friendship is not what she needs from a man.

Ha

 

[frayne]

Kind of off topic but still a bit amusing. Years ago I knew a guy that used to keep a fake savings account passbook laying on the console of his car. The balance it showed was pretty healthy and when on dates he would make it a point to stop somewhere and leave the car for 5-10 minutes. He said he could always tell which dates took a peek and then adjusted his evening and future dates accordingly.

 

[Walt34]

Kind of off topic but still a bit amusing. Years ago I knew a guy that used to keep a fake savings account passbook laying on the console of his car. The balance it showed was pretty healthy and when on dates he would make it a point to stop somewhere and leave the car for 5-10 minutes. He said he could always tell which dates took a peek and then adjusted his evening and future dates accordingly.

That's a good idea but I'd go the other way and have it show a balance of $1.98, then see how she treated me.

After my divorce my old car had finally worn out so I bought a new pickup truck. One of the guys at work said "You're going to go out on dates in a pickup truck!?"

"Yeah, and if some girl doesn't want to go out with me because I drive a pickup that's fine. It'll save us both a lot of bother."

DW-to-be thought it was great. The pickup had A/C and her car didn't.

 

[simple girl]

After my divorce my old car had finally worn out so I bought a new pickup truck. One of the guys at work said "You're going to go out on dates in a pickup truck!?"

"Yeah, and if some girl doesn't want to go out with me because I drive a pickup that's fine. It'll save us both a lot of bother."

DW-to-be thought it was great. The pickup had A/C and her car didn't.

LOL!!! DH picked me up for our first date in an OLD red F-150 truck. The windshield had a HUGE crack across it, and the front seat cover had several rips.

I did wonder if he was really an engineer. LOL I wasn't looking for money, but I did want someone with a stable career like me, and the same values regarding money.

He was just starting out and so was I. He swept me off my feet, and I never looked back.

Oh, OK, I admit I was glad when he sold that big red ugly truck.

 

[Meadbh]

Thank you for valuing women for more than just their bodies! So refreshing!

+1.

 

[bclover]

Kind of off topic but still a bit amusing. Years ago I knew a guy that used to keep a fake savings account passbook laying on the console of his car. The balance it showed was pretty healthy and when on dates he would make it a point to stop somewhere and leave the car for 5-10 minutes. He said he could always tell which dates took a peek and then adjusted his evening and future dates accordingly.

LOL, like I said 22 year olds have a lot of growing up to do. dude staged a fake set up Oh prime marriage material

 

[Amethyst]

Amazing, isn't it, how any woman could possibly be offended by being expected to barter sex for entertainment.

(she also sensed they were ultimately after something, if you know what I mean).

 

[bclover]

Now your case may not be what I am going to describe, but I think this shows that spending habits *may* change, but only when forced to. If you're the cash cow, and your S.O. is happy that way, they are not going to change, no matter how much you try to make them change. I was that way for my ex (I was the cash cow), the only way I got her to change was to cut her off the CCs and force her to actually spend her earnings. All of a sudden she was much more aware of the cost of things.

Once you enable them you'll have a long fight to get them off the teat. I know I did .

unfortunately that's true with any addiction . money, drugs, alcohol. any thing done to excess is bad.

but I think many folks do change. Remember prior to 2008 when the nation as a whole was living la vida loca. money was cheap and easy and we thought that there would always be time "later". I'm no saint, I've done stupendously stupid things with credit and money. usually a painful situation (job loss, large bills sucking up cash) forces change.

that's why I tell kids to try and find mates with similar "goals". dh and I had widely different money styles but we had the same "goals". we knew what kind of life we wanted for our kids and ourselves.

I also try and get them to see "cause and effect". like I said my son is saving for his first apartment. I remind dudo that he can't drop 200 bucks to go see the Phillies play and expect to get a decent apartment. NO one can get everything.

 

[redduck]

"Yeah, and if some girl doesn't want to go out with me because I drive a pickup that's fine. It'll save us both a lot of bother."

DW-to-be thought it was great. The pickup had A/C and her car didn't.

You actually married someone who drove a car without A/C? Walt, you are a good man.

 

[Amethyst]

I viewed "valuing me for more than my body" as normal male behavior, because I wouldn't hang with any other kind of guy. I simply would not tolerate being treated like a sort of prostitute, who exchanges sex for entertainment, or a walking life-support system for a female sex organ. So those kinds of men stayed away for the most part. Nevertheless, somehow I pretty much always had a date for Saturday night

I mean, the body is a huge part of it or we wouldn't call it "mating," but it's not like men who love you for YOU are such rare beasts. There are a lot of that kind of men around.

Amethyst

Thank you for valuing women for more than just their bodies! So refreshing!

 

[Music Lover]

I mean, the body is a huge part of it or we wouldn't call it "mating," but it's not like men who love you for YOU are such rare beasts. There are a lot of that kind of men around.

Amethyst

That's true. Men often get an undeserved bad rap based on the actions of a few.

And, to be perfectly fair, there is no shortage of shallow women with material interests. Male rock stars, movie stars, and athletes all have plenty of female groupies, but male groupies are much more rare.

 

[Live Free]

I'm pretty sure I married DH for his body. God knows he didn't have a pot to piss in when we married. j/k. Kind of.

I totally agree that you take your time to choose the right one. Financial compatibility and trust are just a few of MANY things you should examine. But most important, in my opinion, is you should really, really, really just LIKE the person you are marrying. You are going to be with this person for life, through thick and thin. This is your lover, your confidant, the other parent to you kids, your best friend, your travel companion, etc. Pretty much the most important person in your life. Take your time. Choose wisely.

 

[simple girl]

That's true. Men often get an undeserved bad rap based on the actions of a few.

And, to be perfectly fair, there is no shortage of shallow women with material interests. Male rock stars, movie stars, and athletes all have plenty of female groupies, but male groupies are much more rare.

True.

There are plenty of wonderful men AND women who are not after superficial things from each other. Thank goodness!

 

[LitGal]

I'm pretty sure I married DH for his body. God knows he didn't have a pot to piss in when we married. j/k. Kind of.

I totally agree that you take your time to choose the right one. Financial compatibility and trust are just a few of MANY things you should examine. But most important, in my opinion, is you should really, really, really just LIKE the person you are marrying. You are going to be with this person for life, through thick and thin. This is your lover, your confidant, the other parent to you kids, your best friend, your travel companion, etc. Pretty much the most important person in your life. Take your time. Choose wisely.

+1

It took some stamina/tenacity to "stick it out" and wait/hope to meet the right person; but, lo and behold, I met him when I was 25 (had braced myself that I might not meet somebody like him until at least sometime in my 30's). Figured out he was a "keeper." And now--37 years later-- I will always be grateful for finding him after that wait. We enjoyed 35 years of marriage, hanging in there through many ups and downs.

Now that he has passed, it is truly a pleasure to think of the many ways he blessed my life. He was truly worth waiting for.

 

[FelipeA]

Love the stories, I keep rereading to get more peace on letting her go. Ignoring her calls/texts was hard at first but easier now with each passing day. A new habit, like frugality once was

She threw me a curve ball last night but I have not and will not respond. 2 weeks ago she told me she has too many exams the last weekend in April for me to come down. She lives in San Diego (I'm in San Jose) and she texted me last night asking if she could drop by. I think she's staying at her ex-boss's and he flew her up here. Now I'm just hoping she doesn't drop by uninvited.

As I look more and more, I see her lacking character. I should've let her go a long time ago, I saw the character flaws scattered about, but I made every rationalization as I liked her a lot.

Again I really appreciate everyone here helping me see her more clearly. And also seeing the massive variety of people I can meet out there and which lend themselves towards financial independence.

 

[Amethyst]

Well, yeah, and because nobody you meet is perfect, and practically-perfect people are often boring, you will find yourself doing this throughout life--and not just about mates. So don't sweat it. Experience is a great teacher, and intuition (aka "gut") a great adviser. LOL

I saw the character flaws scattered about, but I made every rationalization as I liked her a lot.

.

 

[travelover]

.........As I look more and more, I see her lacking character. I should've let her go a long time ago, I saw the character flaws scattered about, but I made every rationalization as I liked her a lot...............

It sounds trite, but love really is blind. Toss in hormones and sexual attraction and smart people do some pretty stupid things. Ask someone like David Petraeus, for example.

So, don't feel bad, but realize that it is really hard to be objective about relationships.

 

[soupcxan]

smart people do some pretty stupid things. Ask someone like David Petraeus, for example.

Well, at least he never lent that strumpet any money...

 

[athena53]

She threw me a curve ball last night but I have not and will not respond. 2 weeks ago she told me she has too many exams the last weekend in April for me to come down. She lives in San Diego (I'm in San Jose) and she texted me last night asking if she could drop by. I think she's staying at her ex-boss's and he flew her up here. Now I'm just hoping she doesn't drop by uninvited.

So some other guy pays to fly her to San Jose and she uses it as an opportunity to try and get back with you. Nice.

 

[haha]

It sounds trite, but love really is blind. Toss in hormones and sexual attraction and smart people do some pretty stupid things. Ask someone like David Petraeus, for example.

So, don't feel bad, but realize that it is really hard to be objective about relationships.

We have no reason to think that we have an objective look at this relationship. Big deal, she asked him to lend her some money. We on this board are fantastically tight with our cash. Not everyone would be happy with this, and not everyone would think that the lady is clearly at fault.

Ha

 

[Music Lover]

She threw me a curve ball last night but I have not and will not respond. 2 weeks ago she told me she has too many exams the last weekend in April for me to come down. She lives in San Diego (I'm in San Jose) and she texted me last night asking if she could drop by. I think she's staying at her ex-boss's and he flew her up here. Now I'm just hoping she doesn't drop by uninvited.

You don't have to answer the door if unwelcome callers show up.