Join Early Retirement Today
Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Old 12-27-2017, 05:07 PM   #21
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,049
Quote:
Originally Posted by Clone View Post
Perhaps we need to collectively compose a 'Letter to my Children'.

Things like 'I appreciate you looking after my well being. Someday, you may need to sell my house if I can no longer live there independently. If I argue with you that I intend to move home, please understand that my mind may not be functioning correctly. If I deny that I ever gave you this document, then you know that my mind is slipping. I may say mean things, but please understand that the rational mind that I have today no longer exists. Do what you need to do.'
Not a bad idea at all. I might need to come up with one of these.
PatrickA5 is online now   Reply With Quote
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

Old 12-27-2017, 05:14 PM   #22
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,049
Quote:
Originally Posted by rodi View Post
It's tough to see a parent decline, mentally. Be there... don't take the paranoid accusations to heart.... just do the best you can with your father's best interest in mind.
Agreed. That's what I've been telling my brother. Dad doesn't really know what he's thinking anymore.

As far as paranoid, he's been acting that way for years. He's gone through a half dozen pharmacies because they are all trying to rip him off - he counts the pills in the bottle. He thinks his next door neighbor moves his newspaper in the morning farther away from the front door. Basically thinks his doctor is trying to kill him. He's convinced that one of the clerks at the grocery store punched a hole in his tire, etc. I just listen and try to keep my mouth shut.
PatrickA5 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-27-2017, 05:45 PM   #23
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
MRG's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 10,145
Quote:
Originally Posted by PatrickA5 View Post
Agreed. That's what I've been telling my brother. Dad doesn't really know what he's thinking anymore.

As far as paranoid, he's been acting that way for years. He's gone through a half dozen pharmacies because they are all trying to rip him off - he counts the pills in the bottle. He thinks his next door neighbor moves his newspaper in the morning farther away from the front door. Basically thinks his doctor is trying to kill him. He's convinced that one of the clerks at the grocery store punched a hole in his tire, etc. I just listen and try to keep my mouth shut.
If you like to read, a book called "The 36 Hour Day" was recommended to help our family through this issue. It helped my sisters and I to realize what was going on/or not, in our parent's journey.

I had an issue with how my wonderful sister talked to my DM. I understood how my sister felt, but it wasn't right. I believe that book helped my sister to understand what DM was going through.

A friend told me the book helped them understand what her DM was going through..
MRG is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-27-2017, 06:18 PM   #24
Moderator
braumeister's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Flyover country
Posts: 19,217
Quote:
Originally Posted by PatrickA5 View Post
Agreed. That's what I've been telling my brother. Dad doesn't really know what he's thinking anymore.
...
I just listen and try to keep my mouth shut.
Based on what you related, I think you need to act now to start protecting him. Have you started checking out assisted living and/or memory care facilities that could take care of him? That kind of cognitive decline can accelerate rapidly.
__________________
I thought growing old would take longer.
braumeister is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-27-2017, 06:29 PM   #25
Dryer sheet aficionado
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 39
Agree with Wahoo. I had a parent with dementia for many years. Paranoia, anger, unfounded accusations, etc.
Its really hard with parents to see things for what they are sometimes. A physician who knows this area should be of great help.
imokurok is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-27-2017, 08:53 PM   #26
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,049
Quote:
Originally Posted by braumeister View Post
Based on what you related, I think you need to act now to start protecting him. Have you started checking out assisted living and/or memory care facilities that could take care of him? That kind of cognitive decline can accelerate rapidly.
He's one of those that says he'll never go to assisted living or nursing home. Ever. And, he doesn't want strangers coming to his house either. It's going to be a struggle. I recently talked to his doctor who said dad's not at the point where I can force him to do anything he doesn't want to do.

We are going to start checking out facilities. DW and I recently visited the local senior services office and they gave us a ton of information on different options. The counselor told us that the vast majority of people that refuse to go to assisted living only end up going after something happens that requires a hospital stay - and at that point - depending on the circumstances - they are told they can't return home and will need to go to an assisted living facility. Unfortunately, that will probably be what happens with my dad. I need to visit some places and at least have an idea of my options before that happens.
PatrickA5 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-27-2017, 09:58 PM   #27
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Brat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 6,941
In my experience one should always start visiting care facilities once a parent is showing signs of decline. Medicare has a resource for skilled nursing facilities that includes State inspection results and many States have inspection results for all licenced facilities online. I agree that hospital stays precipitate orders for changes in living accomodations.

The worst experience my family ever had was when a promised discharge to home turned into a long stay at a skilled nursing facility. When Dad woke up enough to discover he wasn't at home he was one angry Norwegian. Always prepare a parent facing surgery that you will be making sure he receives the best of care and do not believe the optimistic claims of surgeons.

If your elderly parent can't go home the hospital has 'discharge specialists' who frankly just look for a bed in a facility in the area if you don't provide a list of those who you prefer. Still, the facility must have a bed that meets your parent's care needs.

Once a patient is in a skilled nursing facility they will try to transition your parent to their assisted living, which can be a good thing. The patient will already be familiar with the setting.
__________________
Duck bjorn.
Brat is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-27-2017, 10:00 PM   #28
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: Long Island
Posts: 1,619
My mother brought my grandmother to live with us after her macular degeneration got bad. My grandmother thought that we were stealing her money, especially my mother who took care of her. She slept with her bank books under her pillow and used to take them to neighbors to make sure my mother wasn't stealing from her. There were some very dramatic incidents when she first moved in. She did calm down after a while.
MarieIG is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-27-2017, 10:27 PM   #29
Gone but not forgotten
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Sarasota,fl.
Posts: 11,447
My Mom who was lucid right up to the end did get a little crazy about money . She had me take her to an ATM . She handed me her card but would not tell me the code until I insisted.She also thought my Sister's husband was after her money .
Moemg is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-27-2017, 11:08 PM   #30
Recycles dryer sheets
Cayman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 289
Quote:
Originally Posted by rodi View Post
... It's tough to see a parent decline, mentally. Be there... don't take the paranoid accusations to heart.... just do the best you can with your father's best interest in mind.
+1, great advice. In addition to confusion and symptoms that others have mentioned, your father may also feel fear and experience depression. Helping him to get appropriate medical care may improve his quality of life and lessen the burden on your family.
Cayman is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-27-2017, 11:22 PM   #31
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Mr._Graybeard's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,365
Quote:
Originally Posted by PatrickA5 View Post
He's one of those that says he'll never go to assisted living or nursing home. Ever. And, he doesn't want strangers coming to his house either. It's going to be a struggle. I recently talked to his doctor who said dad's not at the point where I can force him to do anything he doesn't want to do.
Boy, does this sound familiar. I may have missed this, but is he still driving?
Mr._Graybeard is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-28-2017, 04:07 AM   #32
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,666
Quote:
Originally Posted by REWahoo View Post
Sounds like symptoms of dementia.
Or, in some cases, mental illness.

Family friend is in mid-50's, with a history of MI, and is very similar. Screaming over the phone at her POA for not giving her enough money. POA is stealing from her. Repeated demands for a change in POA, followed by apology for bad behavior. Very nasty texts and, even worse, FB posts telling the world how the POA (a family member) is scum and driving her to homelessness.

POA finally threw in the towel and withdrew. Very sad.
brucethebroker is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-28-2017, 05:40 AM   #33
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Cleveland
Posts: 92
I too would be concerned about dementia or Alzheimers. My mom, who was a bookkeeper all her life, stopped recording checks. Then she could not add or reconcile her checkbook. She lashed out at the bank, or the staff at her living community.... The panic stage that one is losing their mind was the worst stage for us.

I did not need to take my mom to a neurologist or get a CAT scan. Her primary care doctor determined that she was no longer mentally competent. He wrote and signed a letter that established my POA. It was a very scary and sad day for me when that happened. If you are on that journey, God speed to you.
__________________
Josh
OHjosh is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-28-2017, 05:59 AM   #34
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
JoeWras's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 7,320
OP: very sorry you are going through this. For me, coming to terms with my father's growing dementia was the most difficult thing I have done in life.

There is no "one way." Every case goes slightly differently, at slightly different paces.

In our case, my siblings and I kept the lines of communication open with dad. We never accused him. I was only stern with him about one thing: don't believe anybody who calls on the phone. We had that discussion constantly. Dad had a trusted banker (this man was a saint) whom he would go to for advice, like when he got the "won the lottery check." We worked with people who surrounded Dad. One time dad got paranoid that I was taking stuff from him (sound familiar?) and he called the police. They were so understanding, another saint.

Eventually, I suggested I handle his finances to make things easy. Just like that, he said "yes." I had all the bank statements changed to my address. We did let him keep his checkbook. Woo boy. It was our compromise. We had to do something to give him some freedom. Luckily, the checking account was not huge so if anything really bad happened, no big worry. It was disturbing to see him write multiple checks to a housecleaner for a tip. He simply forgot so he wrote extras. She loved cleaning dad's house. On-line bank notifications were very helpful.

Driving and eventual senior housing were multi year processes. It took years to get him to visit one, then more years to get him to move. It wasn't easy. He was angry at times, and angry about the car. Even after he almost knocked the garage down (blew down a wall), he claimed it was the car's fault. But eventually, he agreed. Thank God nobody was every hurt.

Good luck. Respect him, keep talking, don't accuse, listen, expect some grief, expect some anger, but above all else, love him. I hope it works out for you.
JoeWras is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-28-2017, 06:20 AM   #35
Recycles dryer sheets
TimeMeasure's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 101
Quote:
Originally Posted by MRG View Post
If you like to read, a book called "The 36 Hour Day" was recommended to help our family through this issue. It helped my sisters and I to realize what was going on/or not...

Another useful book is “Thoughtful Dementia Care: Understanding the Dementia Experience,” by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller. It’s not so much about the mechanics of caregiving, as it is about understanding dementia from the perspective of the person experiencing it.

In taking care of a wife with Alzheimer’s, I’ve found that some of the most important aspects of caregiving are not the visible “what you do,” but the invisible shifts in perspective that you need to make. At the most fundamental level, you need to relinquish the notion that the person with dementia is “just a normal person having some difficulties,” the notion that if you just explain things a little better, or communicate in a different way, then you’ll be able to have a meeting of the minds in the way that you used to. Many of the travails people go through trying to take care of aging parents seem to have an element of this - the expectation that things can still be normal, with enough effort on both sides. One of the corollaries is that, if the person with dementia is behaving in a way that is no longer normal, you have to understand that, in many cases, it’s no longer their fault - they simply can’t control what their brain is capable of, or not.

Nor can any of us, really, but that lack of control over the level of one’s abilities comes into stark relief when one’s capabilities deviate from the baseline for the general populace. What’s needed is caring, understanding, a willingness to treat the person with dignity and affection, and a great deal of patience.
TimeMeasure is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-28-2017, 07:02 AM   #36
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Cleveland
Posts: 92
Another book I was gifted with was Creating Moments of Joy. That book helped me to understand the world through my mom's mind as she declined. It kept me from saying a lot of stupid things that would upset her even more.
__________________
Josh
OHjosh is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-28-2017, 07:02 AM   #37
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
pb4uski's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Sarasota, FL & Vermont
Posts: 30,128
Quote:
Originally Posted by Moemg View Post
My Mom who was lucid right up to the end did get a little crazy about money . She had me take her to an ATM . She handed me her card but would not tell me the code until I insisted.She also thought my Sister's husband was after her money .
My great aunt went through this.... she was convinced in her mind that my aunt "stole her money" even though my aunt lived 1,500 miles away and had all the money she would ever need.

My grandmother was convinced that DW was stealing her bras. She called our house to complain DW handed the call over to me and I told my grandmother that when someone steals from you that you should call the police and that nipped it in the bud. Also, my uncle stole all her liquor too.
__________________
If something cannot endure laughter.... it cannot endure.
Patience is the art of concealing your impatience.
Slow and steady wins the race.

Retired Jan 2012 at age 56
pb4uski is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-28-2017, 07:39 AM   #38
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Car-Guy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Citizen of Texas
Posts: 6,328
Quote:
Originally Posted by PatrickA5 View Post
He's one of those that says he'll never go to assisted living or nursing home. Ever. And, he doesn't want strangers coming to his house either. It's going to be a struggle. I recently talked to his doctor who said dad's not at the point where I can force him to do anything he doesn't want to do.

We are going to start checking out facilities. DW and I recently visited the local senior services office and they gave us a ton of information on different options. The counselor told us that the vast majority of people that refuse to go to assisted living only end up going after something happens that requires a hospital stay - and at that point - depending on the circumstances - they are told they can't return home and will need to go to an assisted living facility. Unfortunately, that will probably be what happens with my dad. I need to visit some places and at least have an idea of my options before that happens.
I could have written what you wrote, word for word. Been there, so I know what you are going through. In our case, nothing ever worked with dad and now it's just a "bunch" of very unpleasant memories.
Car-Guy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-28-2017, 08:46 AM   #39
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,049
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr._Graybeard View Post
Boy, does this sound familiar. I may have missed this, but is he still driving?
Oh man, another major struggle. No, he is not driving. I take him to all appointments, buy his groceries, etc. But, he thinks he's a great driver! He was driving up until probably 6 months ago, but problems with his hips, legs, etc. make it very hard for him to get around these days. That and the fact that the battery is dead in his car.
PatrickA5 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-28-2017, 09:45 AM   #40
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
JoeWras's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 7,320
Quote:
Originally Posted by PatrickA5 View Post
Oh man, another major struggle. No, he is not driving. I take him to all appointments, buy his groceries, etc. But, he thinks he's a great driver! He was driving up until probably 6 months ago, but problems with his hips, legs, etc. make it very hard for him to get around these days. That and the fact that the battery is dead in his car.
Honestly, that's a huge battle behind you!

You are designated POA, so before legal means, try to work with him. I suggest you spend time with Dad and just try to convince him you want to help by taking over finances to help him out. What I did was I put it all in a spreadsheet and gave him a quarterly overall "statement." He loved it and basically said, "Take care of it all." I'm not saying that will work for you, but for me, Dad was wowed and was very appreciative.

I had to do a lot of travel and take a lot of time off to do this with Dad. I "ruined" my career, but who cares? Seriously. It was the best thing I've ever done in life. That time spent with Dad was the best in my life, compared to smoozing with bosses just to notch one rung on the Megacorp ladder. (You may even be retired so this may not matter.)
JoeWras is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
'Rich Dad, Poor Dad' author files for bankruptcy REWahoo Other topics 14 10-13-2012 10:06 PM
When did retirement finances become so disconnected with real finances? nun FIRE and Money 4 11-02-2010 01:48 PM
Rich Dad, Poor Dad, NOW "Stock Dad"........ FinanceDude FIRE and Money 10 08-29-2008 08:10 PM
Rich Dad Poor Dad series laurence Other topics 1 02-23-2005 07:21 PM

» Quick Links

 
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 08:55 AM.
 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2021, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.