Dad's Finances and Change in Behavior

[PatrickA5]

Based on what you related, I think you need to act now to start protecting him. Have you started checking out assisted living and/or memory care facilities that could take care of him? That kind of cognitive decline can accelerate rapidly.

He's one of those that says he'll never go to assisted living or nursing home. Ever. And, he doesn't want strangers coming to his house either. It's going to be a struggle. I recently talked to his doctor who said dad's not at the point where I can force him to do anything he doesn't want to do.

We are going to start checking out facilities. DW and I recently visited the local senior services office and they gave us a ton of information on different options. The counselor told us that the vast majority of people that refuse to go to assisted living only end up going after something happens that requires a hospital stay - and at that point - depending on the circumstances - they are told they can't return home and will need to go to an assisted living facility. Unfortunately, that will probably be what happens with my dad. I need to visit some places and at least have an idea of my options before that happens.

 

[Brat]

In my experience one should always start visiting care facilities once a parent is showing signs of decline. Medicare has a resource for skilled nursing facilities that includes State inspection results and many States have inspection results for all licenced facilities online. I agree that hospital stays precipitate orders for changes in living accomodations.

The worst experience my family ever had was when a promised discharge to home turned into a long stay at a skilled nursing facility. When Dad woke up enough to discover he wasn't at home he was one angry Norwegian. Always prepare a parent facing surgery that you will be making sure he receives the best of care and do not believe the optimistic claims of surgeons.

If your elderly parent can't go home the hospital has 'discharge specialists' who frankly just look for a bed in a facility in the area if you don't provide a list of those who you prefer. Still, the facility must have a bed that meets your parent's care needs.

Once a patient is in a skilled nursing facility they will try to transition your parent to their assisted living, which can be a good thing. The patient will already be familiar with the setting.

 

[MarieIG]

My mother brought my grandmother to live with us after her macular degeneration got bad. My grandmother thought that we were stealing her money, especially my mother who took care of her. She slept with her bank books under her pillow and used to take them to neighbors to make sure my mother wasn't stealing from her. There were some very dramatic incidents when she first moved in. She did calm down after a while.

 

[Moemg]

My Mom who was lucid right up to the end did get a little crazy about money . She had me take her to an ATM . She handed me her card but would not tell me the code until I insisted.She also thought my Sister's husband was after her money .

 

[Cayman]

... It's tough to see a parent decline, mentally. Be there... don't take the paranoid accusations to heart.... just do the best you can with your father's best interest in mind.

+1, great advice. In addition to confusion and symptoms that others have mentioned, your father may also feel fear and experience depression. Helping him to get appropriate medical care may improve his quality of life and lessen the burden on your family.

 

[Mr._Graybeard]

He's one of those that says he'll never go to assisted living or nursing home. Ever. And, he doesn't want strangers coming to his house either. It's going to be a struggle. I recently talked to his doctor who said dad's not at the point where I can force him to do anything he doesn't want to do.

Boy, does this sound familiar. I may have missed this, but is he still driving?

 

[brucethebroker]

Sounds like symptoms of dementia.

Or, in some cases, mental illness.

Family friend is in mid-50's, with a history of MI, and is very similar. Screaming over the phone at her POA for not giving her enough money. POA is stealing from her. Repeated demands for a change in POA, followed by apology for bad behavior. Very nasty texts and, even worse, FB posts telling the world how the POA (a family member) is scum and driving her to homelessness.

POA finally threw in the towel and withdrew. Very sad.

 

[OHjosh]

I too would be concerned about dementia or Alzheimers. My mom, who was a bookkeeper all her life, stopped recording checks. Then she could not add or reconcile her checkbook. She lashed out at the bank, or the staff at her living community.... The panic stage that one is losing their mind was the worst stage for us.

I did not need to take my mom to a neurologist or get a CAT scan. Her primary care doctor determined that she was no longer mentally competent. He wrote and signed a letter that established my POA. It was a very scary and sad day for me when that happened. If you are on that journey, God speed to you.

 

[JoeWras]

OP: very sorry you are going through this. For me, coming to terms with my father's growing dementia was the most difficult thing I have done in life.

There is no "one way." Every case goes slightly differently, at slightly different paces.

In our case, my siblings and I kept the lines of communication open with dad. We never accused him. I was only stern with him about one thing: don't believe anybody who calls on the phone. We had that discussion constantly. Dad had a trusted banker (this man was a saint) whom he would go to for advice, like when he got the "won the lottery check." We worked with people who surrounded Dad. One time dad got paranoid that I was taking stuff from him (sound familiar?) and he called the police. They were so understanding, another saint.

Eventually, I suggested I handle his finances to make things easy. Just like that, he said "yes." I had all the bank statements changed to my address. We did let him keep his checkbook. Woo boy. It was our compromise. We had to do something to give him some freedom. Luckily, the checking account was not huge so if anything really bad happened, no big worry. It was disturbing to see him write multiple checks to a housecleaner for a tip. He simply forgot so he wrote extras. She loved cleaning dad's house. On-line bank notifications were very helpful.

Driving and eventual senior housing were multi year processes. It took years to get him to visit one, then more years to get him to move. It wasn't easy. He was angry at times, and angry about the car. Even after he almost knocked the garage down (blew down a wall), he claimed it was the car's fault. But eventually, he agreed. Thank God nobody was every hurt.

Good luck. Respect him, keep talking, don't accuse, listen, expect some grief, expect some anger, but above all else, love him. I hope it works out for you.

 

[TimeMeasure]

If you like to read, a book called "The 36 Hour Day" was recommended to help our family through this issue. It helped my sisters and I to realize what was going on/or not...

Another useful book is “Thoughtful Dementia Care: Understanding the Dementia Experience,” by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller. It’s not so much about the mechanics of caregiving, as it is about understanding dementia from the perspective of the person experiencing it.

In taking care of a wife with Alzheimer’s, I’ve found that some of the most important aspects of caregiving are not the visible “what you do,” but the invisible shifts in perspective that you need to make. At the most fundamental level, you need to relinquish the notion that the person with dementia is “just a normal person having some difficulties,” the notion that if you just explain things a little better, or communicate in a different way, then you’ll be able to have a meeting of the minds in the way that you used to. Many of the travails people go through trying to take care of aging parents seem to have an element of this - the expectation that things can still be normal, with enough effort on both sides. One of the corollaries is that, if the person with dementia is behaving in a way that is no longer normal, you have to understand that, in many cases, it’s no longer their fault - they simply can’t control what their brain is capable of, or not.

Nor can any of us, really, but that lack of control over the level of one’s abilities comes into stark relief when one’s capabilities deviate from the baseline for the general populace. What’s needed is caring, understanding, a willingness to treat the person with dignity and affection, and a great deal of patience.

 

[OHjosh]

Another book I was gifted with was Creating Moments of Joy. That book helped me to understand the world through my mom's mind as she declined. It kept me from saying a lot of stupid things that would upset her even more.

 

[pb4uski]

My Mom who was lucid right up to the end did get a little crazy about money . She had me take her to an ATM . She handed me her card but would not tell me the code until I insisted.She also thought my Sister's husband was after her money .

My great aunt went through this.... she was convinced in her mind that my aunt "stole her money" even though my aunt lived 1,500 miles away and had all the money she would ever need.

My grandmother was convinced that DW was stealing her bras. She called our house to complain DW handed the call over to me and I told my grandmother that when someone steals from you that you should call the police and that nipped it in the bud. Also, my uncle stole all her liquor too.

 

[Car-Guy]

He's one of those that says he'll never go to assisted living or nursing home. Ever. And, he doesn't want strangers coming to his house either. It's going to be a struggle. I recently talked to his doctor who said dad's not at the point where I can force him to do anything he doesn't want to do.

We are going to start checking out facilities. DW and I recently visited the local senior services office and they gave us a ton of information on different options. The counselor told us that the vast majority of people that refuse to go to assisted living only end up going after something happens that requires a hospital stay - and at that point - depending on the circumstances - they are told they can't return home and will need to go to an assisted living facility. Unfortunately, that will probably be what happens with my dad. I need to visit some places and at least have an idea of my options before that happens.

I could have written what you wrote, word for word. Been there, so I know what you are going through. In our case, nothing ever worked with dad and now it's just a "bunch" of very unpleasant memories.

 

[PatrickA5]

Boy, does this sound familiar. I may have missed this, but is he still driving?

Oh man, another major struggle. No, he is not driving. I take him to all appointments, buy his groceries, etc. But, he thinks he's a great driver! He was driving up until probably 6 months ago, but problems with his hips, legs, etc. make it very hard for him to get around these days. That and the fact that the battery is dead in his car.

 

[JoeWras]

Oh man, another major struggle. No, he is not driving. I take him to all appointments, buy his groceries, etc. But, he thinks he's a great driver! He was driving up until probably 6 months ago, but problems with his hips, legs, etc. make it very hard for him to get around these days. That and the fact that the battery is dead in his car.

Honestly, that's a huge battle behind you!

You are designated POA, so before legal means, try to work with him. I suggest you spend time with Dad and just try to convince him you want to help by taking over finances to help him out. What I did was I put it all in a spreadsheet and gave him a quarterly overall "statement." He loved it and basically said, "Take care of it all." I'm not saying that will work for you, but for me, Dad was wowed and was very appreciative.

I had to do a lot of travel and take a lot of time off to do this with Dad. I "ruined" my career, but who cares? Seriously. It was the best thing I've ever done in life. That time spent with Dad was the best in my life, compared to smoozing with bosses just to notch one rung on the Megacorp ladder. (You may even be retired so this may not matter.)

 

[HadEnuff]

Over the 40 years I practiced dentistry, I had quite a few occasions when I began to worry about a patient's mental acuity. Things that we'd notice:
1. a longtime very reliable patient starts missing appointments. Often because they "forgot".
2. Longtime patients not being able to "find" the office
3. Patients forgetting treatment recommendations, or diagnoses just made.

What I could not fathom was that very often, spouses or children of these patients would just let them go alone to a dental appointment. Wouldn't you suppose they would be more protective? Eventually we'd call and express our concern to a family member and often we'd get "Oh, yeah, Mom has been declining a lot lately"... Really WTF?? You let her drive herself around town, in a car?
OP, you are to be commended for keeping a close eye on your Dad. You better keep a close eye on him, and his finances. Unfortunately, this can be a lot like having a small child, in that they will complain bitterly about things, but like a child, they can't be allowed to make all of the rules.
It's a tough job.
All the best!

 

[Eladio]

Registered nurse working in a skilled nursing facility here.

See this all the time in the elderly. Can be an acute issue such as urinary tract infection or
paranoia and confusion associated with early dementia.

 

[MichaelB]

After DM was diagnosed with AD I noticed a clear increase in "financial predatory behavior" by others toward her, and at the same time, a decline in her awareness of this. My having access and POA to her financial accounts and records made it easier to deal with, but it could have had a different outcome, and some things happened that shouldn't have.

 

[JoeWras]

After DM was diagnosed with AD I noticed a clear increase in "financial predatory behavior" by others toward her, and at the same time, a decline in her awareness of this. My having access and POA to her financial accounts and records made it easier to deal with, but it could have had a different outcome, and some things happened that shouldn't have.

Oh my goodness, yes, you are right.

Thankfully, Dad had a banker who didn't take advantage of him. Kept him mostly in CDs in a declining rate environment. After Dad resisted, they did put him in an annuity of sorts, but not the horrible types. It was a 5 yr fixed annuity. It is OK. It could have been worse.

The phone calls were the worst. I switched out his phone to a google voice number that I could monitor. When friends called, I got them in touch with Dad. The calls: WOW! Horrible stuff! Only now, 5 years later, are the calls tailing off. Terrible, terrible predatory calls. You know, the kind that say, "You are in trouble, there is a judgement against you at the 'courthouse,' call us an we will help. Otherwise, good luck. Court officers will be visiting you." All BOGUS.

 

[redduck]

This dementia thing can be a nuisance. My mom believed that her bank was stealing money from her. We saw her doc about this and he changed her medicine. The new medicine worked wonders. After taking the newly prescribed drug for three days, she began to believe that she was stealing money from the bank.

 

[Teacher Terry]

My good friend got early Alzheimer's from all the metal in her many, many chemo treatments. Looking back she probably had it in her early 50's. She was able to drive etc for many years but by 60 was getting very paranoid. Unfortunately, her DH got terminal cancer and once he got too sick to care for her we had to put her in a home. Within 6 weeks of going into the home she went from showering, wearing makeup, dressing herself etc to not being able to do any of these things. The doctor said it was severe depression on top of the dementia. It was so painful to see. Thankfully her cancer came back and this time I did not treat it and now she is gone. She was miserable in the home although it was a decent one. This has to be one of the saddest diseases ever.

 

[ncbill]

Mom started destroying all her mail.

She was mad she didn't understand it any longer.

So I opened an account at the local Mailboxes, etc. store (now UPS store) and changed the delivery of everything important (bills, investments, etc.) to that address.

EDIT: take a look at their checkbook if possible.

Going back through her records, mom had lost the ability to balance a checkbook just a few years after her divorce, a full decade before being diagnosed with dementia.

 

[braumeister]

What I did was I put it all in a spreadsheet and gave him a quarterly overall "statement." He loved it and basically said, "Take care of it all."

That's what I did with my mom. She was really appreciative that she didn't have to worry about money any more. Now and then she would ask me for some cash and I gave her $100 so she could leave tips or buy little things. She also had a credit card that sent me notifications whenever it was used. I was jtwros on all her accounts, so it was easy for me to make up a simple monthly statement for her.

However, at the retirement place where she lived, she said most of her friends talked a lot about how they didn't trust their kids and refused to give them any access to their funds. Mom just shook her head and told them how lucky she was. It can be very sad.

 

[Walt34]

I guess I was pretty lucky with Mom. She recognized that she was having difficulty keeping track of her finances and mentioned it to my older sister, who in turn asked me if I'd help. My two sisters lived over an hour away and I was 20 minutes away so I was the logical one. That and I was working in the Fraud Section so was acutely aware of what can happen when older people start having difficulty with finances since I'd worked several of those type cases. When I noticed one of her checks had been filled in with different handwriting than hers but signed by her I asked about it, and she couldn't remember signing it. It was payable to one of the CCRC staff and was only $20 so probably legit, but that was a huge red flag to me.

So I transferred the bulk of her savings and checking funds to new accounts held jointly (she was fine with this) and she kept the original checking account open for her normal shopping, groceries and such. That account never had more than $500 in it so if someone stole it all that would be an irritant but not a catastrophe. Also, online banking was just available so I could "watch over her shoulder" for anything out of the ordinary. I paid her CCRC rent, phone, cable TV and stuff out of the other joint checking account. Also, I kept all the paperwork for her investments and such at my house so no one else could get to them and see what finances were available to her.

She had stopped driving when her doctor told her too, no argument there, and sold the car about six months later when she knew she'd never drive again. All in all, pretty easy to deal with and no drama.

FIL, however, was an entirely different story....

 

[48Fire]

We noticed MIL had financial issues. That was an early indicator. What followed within a few months were difficulty preparing meals, taking meds, driving, social skills, hygiene, and other complications. And NOBODY wants assisted living, but it was the best thing for everyone. Good luck