Join Early Retirement Today
Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Old 12-28-2017, 09:50 AM   #41
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 2,228
Over the 40 years I practiced dentistry, I had quite a few occasions when I began to worry about a patient's mental acuity. Things that we'd notice:
1. a longtime very reliable patient starts missing appointments. Often because they "forgot".
2. Longtime patients not being able to "find" the office
3. Patients forgetting treatment recommendations, or diagnoses just made.

What I could not fathom was that very often, spouses or children of these patients would just let them go alone to a dental appointment. Wouldn't you suppose they would be more protective? Eventually we'd call and express our concern to a family member and often we'd get "Oh, yeah, Mom has been declining a lot lately"... Really WTF?? You let her drive herself around town, in a car?
OP, you are to be commended for keeping a close eye on your Dad. You better keep a close eye on him, and his finances. Unfortunately, this can be a lot like having a small child, in that they will complain bitterly about things, but like a child, they can't be allowed to make all of the rules.
It's a tough job.
All the best!
HadEnuff is offline   Reply With Quote
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

Old 12-28-2017, 10:10 AM   #42
Dryer sheet aficionado
Eladio's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 42
Registered nurse working in a skilled nursing facility here.

See this all the time in the elderly. Can be an acute issue such as urinary tract infection or
paranoia and confusion associated with early dementia.
Eladio is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-28-2017, 10:17 AM   #43
Administrator
MichaelB's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Chicagoland again!
Posts: 35,250
After DM was diagnosed with AD I noticed a clear increase in "financial predatory behavior" by others toward her, and at the same time, a decline in her awareness of this. My having access and POA to her financial accounts and records made it easier to deal with, but it could have had a different outcome, and some things happened that shouldn't have.
MichaelB is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-28-2017, 10:39 AM   #44
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
JoeWras's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 7,320
Quote:
Originally Posted by MichaelB View Post
After DM was diagnosed with AD I noticed a clear increase in "financial predatory behavior" by others toward her, and at the same time, a decline in her awareness of this. My having access and POA to her financial accounts and records made it easier to deal with, but it could have had a different outcome, and some things happened that shouldn't have.
Oh my goodness, yes, you are right.

Thankfully, Dad had a banker who didn't take advantage of him. Kept him mostly in CDs in a declining rate environment. After Dad resisted, they did put him in an annuity of sorts, but not the horrible types. It was a 5 yr fixed annuity. It is OK. It could have been worse.

The phone calls were the worst. I switched out his phone to a google voice number that I could monitor. When friends called, I got them in touch with Dad. The calls: WOW! Horrible stuff! Only now, 5 years later, are the calls tailing off. Terrible, terrible predatory calls. You know, the kind that say, "You are in trouble, there is a judgement against you at the 'courthouse,' call us an we will help. Otherwise, good luck. Court officers will be visiting you." All BOGUS.
JoeWras is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-28-2017, 11:59 AM   #45
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
redduck's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: yonder
Posts: 2,851
This dementia thing can be a nuisance. My mom believed that her bank was stealing money from her. We saw her doc about this and he changed her medicine. The new medicine worked wonders. After taking the newly prescribed drug for three days, she began to believe that she was stealing money from the bank.
__________________
When the people shall have nothing more to eat, they will eat the rich--philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau
redduck is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-28-2017, 12:10 PM   #46
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Teacher Terry's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 5,418
My good friend got early Alzheimer's from all the metal in her many, many chemo treatments. Looking back she probably had it in her early 50's. She was able to drive etc for many years but by 60 was getting very paranoid. Unfortunately, her DH got terminal cancer and once he got too sick to care for her we had to put her in a home. Within 6 weeks of going into the home she went from showering, wearing makeup, dressing herself etc to not being able to do any of these things. The doctor said it was severe depression on top of the dementia. It was so painful to see. Thankfully her cancer came back and this time I did not treat it and now she is gone. She was miserable in the home although it was a decent one. This has to be one of the saddest diseases ever.
Teacher Terry is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-28-2017, 12:11 PM   #47
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Western NC
Posts: 2,885
Mom started destroying all her mail.

She was mad she didn't understand it any longer.

So I opened an account at the local Mailboxes, etc. store (now UPS store) and changed the delivery of everything important (bills, investments, etc.) to that address.

EDIT: take a look at their checkbook if possible.

Going back through her records, mom had lost the ability to balance a checkbook just a few years after her divorce, a full decade before being diagnosed with dementia.
ncbill is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-28-2017, 12:54 PM   #48
Moderator
braumeister's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Flyover country
Posts: 19,217
Quote:
Originally Posted by JoeWras View Post
What I did was I put it all in a spreadsheet and gave him a quarterly overall "statement." He loved it and basically said, "Take care of it all."
That's what I did with my mom. She was really appreciative that she didn't have to worry about money any more. Now and then she would ask me for some cash and I gave her $100 so she could leave tips or buy little things. She also had a credit card that sent me notifications whenever it was used. I was jtwros on all her accounts, so it was easy for me to make up a simple monthly statement for her.

However, at the retirement place where she lived, she said most of her friends talked a lot about how they didn't trust their kids and refused to give them any access to their funds. Mom just shook her head and told them how lucky she was. It can be very sad.
__________________
I thought growing old would take longer.
braumeister is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-28-2017, 03:41 PM   #49
Moderator
Walt34's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Eastern WV Panhandle
Posts: 22,785
I guess I was pretty lucky with Mom. She recognized that she was having difficulty keeping track of her finances and mentioned it to my older sister, who in turn asked me if I'd help. My two sisters lived over an hour away and I was 20 minutes away so I was the logical one. That and I was working in the Fraud Section so was acutely aware of what can happen when older people start having difficulty with finances since I'd worked several of those type cases. When I noticed one of her checks had been filled in with different handwriting than hers but signed by her I asked about it, and she couldn't remember signing it. It was payable to one of the CCRC staff and was only $20 so probably legit, but that was a huge red flag to me.

So I transferred the bulk of her savings and checking funds to new accounts held jointly (she was fine with this) and she kept the original checking account open for her normal shopping, groceries and such. That account never had more than $500 in it so if someone stole it all that would be an irritant but not a catastrophe. Also, online banking was just available so I could "watch over her shoulder" for anything out of the ordinary. I paid her CCRC rent, phone, cable TV and stuff out of the other joint checking account. Also, I kept all the paperwork for her investments and such at my house so no one else could get to them and see what finances were available to her.

She had stopped driving when her doctor told her too, no argument there, and sold the car about six months later when she knew she'd never drive again. All in all, pretty easy to deal with and no drama.

FIL, however, was an entirely different story....
__________________
I heard the call to do nothing. So I answered it.
Walt34 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-29-2017, 03:31 PM   #50
Full time employment: Posting here.
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 884
We noticed MIL had financial issues. That was an early indicator. What followed within a few months were difficulty preparing meals, taking meds, driving, social skills, hygiene, and other complications. And NOBODY wants assisted living, but it was the best thing for everyone. Good luck
48Fire is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-30-2017, 12:16 PM   #51
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
ivinsfan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 7,830
Quote:
Originally Posted by Car-Guy View Post
Sounds like some of the folks that post on this site.

Actually, my dad never would share the details (although I knew generally) of his finances with me (only surviving child) other than to tell me I was POD on all his accounts. I didn't know the details of his finances until he passed away in his mid 90's. The details were not much of a problem to figure out. (paper work was "everywhere") I found "lot's" of paper bank statements that went back into the 80's and were up to date until the month he passed away. Some paper work/receipts went back into the 50's.

I don't tell my DD much either. Like father like son, I guess.
In this the OP's Dad whet from willingly sharing control to worrying he was getting ripped off. That's a big red flag and exactly how things started when my MIL was diagnosed with Alzheimer's..
ivinsfan is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-30-2017, 12:27 PM   #52
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
ivinsfan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 7,830
Also be aware OP that sometimes the distrust about being ripped off can focus on only one adult child. That's hard for the one that's labeled the "bad guy." out of 4 kids(none of them had access to her money) my MIL would always focus on the youngest son, she couldn't even remember his name but he was a little overweight. She would go on rants to everybody that "the fat one was stealing all her money"...it's heart breaking for the entire family.
ivinsfan is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-30-2017, 01:37 PM   #53
Full time employment: Posting here.
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 873
I feel your frustration. My mom had dementia but was very good at hiding it. I have paid my parents bills for over 12 years. My mom's dementia got so bad she would call me and have me in tears saying such mean things. Most of the time I wouldn't take it personally, but sometimes it got to me.

She went to the ATM 3 or 4 times a day to check her balances at the ATM. Call me and say I was stealing from her. Said the receipt said all the money was at my house and in my DH name. He had no access to any of her accounts.

It is really hard to get the to stop driving and you can't do anything about that until they have an accident or something. My mom drove horrible. I called the state of Tx and they said not much you can do because they have rights.

Long story short, mother was really mean to my dad and myself. She never got put into assistant living. She passed after she also got cancer and before we had to put her in a long term memory facility.

Good luck with your situation.
kimcdougc is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-30-2017, 01:37 PM   #54
Full time employment: Posting here.
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 512
Quote:
Originally Posted by PatrickA5 View Post
Oh man, another major struggle. No, he is not driving. I take him to all appointments, buy his groceries, etc. But, he thinks he's a great driver! He was driving up until probably 6 months ago, but problems with his hips, legs, etc. make it very hard for him to get around these days. That and the fact that the battery is dead in his car.
Be careful about that "dead battery". If they are determined enough, I've heard of folks having a temporary bout of lucidity and successfully calling AAA to remedy that.
gindie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-30-2017, 03:02 PM   #55
Moderator
braumeister's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Flyover country
Posts: 19,217
Agree that the driving situation is really difficult to handle.

I'll never forget a story my mom told me. She had given up driving long before, due to macular degeneration, but when I moved her out here she made a friend of about the same age (mid-80s) who still had her license. She was a kind person who was always happy to take mom wherever she wanted to go.

One day they were out on the road and her friend could see that there was a traffic light coming up at the next intersection. She asked mom "What color is that light?" and mom replied "What light?"

I got this wonderfully comic mental image of two little old ladies in a car, both blissfully unaware of their surroundings.

So we had a chat and mom agreed she shouldn't ride with that woman any more. Much to my delight, she learned to use the local bus network very well and got around nicely that way for several more years.
__________________
I thought growing old would take longer.
braumeister is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-30-2017, 03:50 PM   #56
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,049
Quote:
Originally Posted by braumeister View Post
Agree that the driving situation is really difficult to handle.

I'll never forget a story my mom told me. She had given up driving long before, due to macular degeneration, but when I moved her out here she made a friend of about the same age (mid-80s) who still had her license. She was a kind person who was always happy to take mom wherever she wanted to go.

One day they were out on the road and her friend could see that there was a traffic light coming up at the next intersection. She asked mom "What color is that light?" and mom replied "What light?"

I got this wonderfully comic mental image of two little old ladies in a car, both blissfully unaware of their surroundings.

So we had a chat and mom agreed she shouldn't ride with that woman any more. Much to my delight, she learned to use the local bus network very well and got around nicely that way for several more years.
Dad took the loss of driving pretty hard. I think he figures he'll start driving again as soon as he gets better physically. But, even if he got the van started and drove somewhere, he knows that he can't get out and walk around the store like he used to. He can barely get around his house.

He used to say how he could drive better than my brother and I - even at 95. Partially true. I have no doubts dad is still a better driver than my brother.
PatrickA5 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-30-2017, 05:39 PM   #57
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Mr._Graybeard's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,365
Quote:
Originally Posted by gindie View Post
Be careful about that "dead battery". If they are determined enough, I've heard of folks having a temporary bout of lucidity and successfully calling AAA to remedy that.
My dad's car had a disconnected coil wire until a helpful neighbor came by. Dad told him the car wouldn't start, so he looked under the hood, spotted the "problem" and put Dad back on the road to get lost again (at that point he didn't recognize his own house).

I felt bad about the deception. But after years of caregiving, I learned that sometimes it was necessary to lie to keep the peace.

Dad vindicated me one day during one of those temporary bouts of lucidity. While chatting with my wife, he suddenly blanched and asked her, "Have I been driving like this?" She reassured him that no, he wasn't driving. Of course, a week later he was on my case, demanding to know what I had done with his car keys.
Mr._Graybeard is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-30-2017, 09:55 PM   #58
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 247
My sister and I took my dad to look at an assisted Living last week. His wife (our stepmom) is in rehab recovering from a fractured back from lifting something off the shelf. They are both almost 91 and living at home.

When she found out where we had been she screamed at my dad "Were not going there and if you think so you can go by yourself"

He is paying $4500 a month for aides to come to the house to help her and we thought this would be a good solution, but doesn't look like it will work out.
Livefree is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-30-2017, 10:22 PM   #59
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Scrapr's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Portland
Posts: 1,531
Quote:
Originally Posted by Livefree View Post
My sister and I took my dad to look at an assisted Living last week. His wife (our stepmom) is in rehab recovering from a fractured back from lifting something off the shelf. They are both almost 91 and living at home.

When she found out where we had been she screamed at my dad "Were not going there and if you think so you can go by yourself"

He is paying $4500 a month for aides to come to the house to help her and we thought this would be a good solution, but doesn't look like it will work out.
Almost exactly 2 years ago the family had "the talk" with Mom & dad about Assisted Living. Dad's words? You're taking me out of here feet first. Fortunately Mom took him into the back room and they came out with their coats on to go "look". as soon as Mom heard she didn't have to cook anymore she was all in.

Mom died this morning. They both Dx Alzheimers
Scrapr is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-31-2017, 12:15 AM   #60
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
redduck's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: yonder
Posts: 2,851
Sorry for the loss of your mom, Scrapr.
__________________
When the people shall have nothing more to eat, they will eat the rich--philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau
redduck is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
'Rich Dad, Poor Dad' author files for bankruptcy REWahoo Other topics 14 10-13-2012 10:06 PM
When did retirement finances become so disconnected with real finances? nun FIRE and Money 4 11-02-2010 01:48 PM
Rich Dad, Poor Dad, NOW "Stock Dad"........ FinanceDude FIRE and Money 10 08-29-2008 08:10 PM
Rich Dad Poor Dad series laurence Other topics 1 02-23-2005 07:21 PM

» Quick Links

 
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 09:44 AM.
 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2021, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.