Dad's Finances and Change in Behavior

[ivinsfan]

Sounds like some of the folks that post on this site.

Actually, my dad never would share the details (although I knew generally) of his finances with me (only surviving child) other than to tell me I was POD on all his accounts. I didn't know the details of his finances until he passed away in his mid 90's. The details were not much of a problem to figure out. (paper work was "everywhere") I found "lot's" of paper bank statements that went back into the 80's and were up to date until the month he passed away. Some paper work/receipts went back into the 50's.

I don't tell my DD much either. Like father like son, I guess.

In this the OP's Dad whet from willingly sharing control to worrying he was getting ripped off. That's a big red flag and exactly how things started when my MIL was diagnosed with Alzheimer's..

 

[ivinsfan]

Also be aware OP that sometimes the distrust about being ripped off can focus on only one adult child. That's hard for the one that's labeled the "bad guy." out of 4 kids(none of them had access to her money) my MIL would always focus on the youngest son, she couldn't even remember his name but he was a little overweight. She would go on rants to everybody that "the fat one was stealing all her money"...it's heart breaking for the entire family.

 

[kimcdougc]

I feel your frustration. My mom had dementia but was very good at hiding it. I have paid my parents bills for over 12 years. My mom's dementia got so bad she would call me and have me in tears saying such mean things. Most of the time I wouldn't take it personally, but sometimes it got to me.

She went to the ATM 3 or 4 times a day to check her balances at the ATM. Call me and say I was stealing from her. Said the receipt said all the money was at my house and in my DH name. He had no access to any of her accounts.

It is really hard to get the to stop driving and you can't do anything about that until they have an accident or something. My mom drove horrible. I called the state of Tx and they said not much you can do because they have rights.

Long story short, mother was really mean to my dad and myself. She never got put into assistant living. She passed after she also got cancer and before we had to put her in a long term memory facility.

Good luck with your situation.

 

[gindie]

Oh man, another major struggle. No, he is not driving. I take him to all appointments, buy his groceries, etc. But, he thinks he's a great driver! He was driving up until probably 6 months ago, but problems with his hips, legs, etc. make it very hard for him to get around these days. That and the fact that the battery is dead in his car.

Be careful about that "dead battery". If they are determined enough, I've heard of folks having a temporary bout of lucidity and successfully calling AAA to remedy that.

 

[braumeister]

Agree that the driving situation is really difficult to handle.

I'll never forget a story my mom told me. She had given up driving long before, due to macular degeneration, but when I moved her out here she made a friend of about the same age (mid-80s) who still had her license. She was a kind person who was always happy to take mom wherever she wanted to go.

One day they were out on the road and her friend could see that there was a traffic light coming up at the next intersection. She asked mom "What color is that light?" and mom replied "What light?"

I got this wonderfully comic mental image of two little old ladies in a car, both blissfully unaware of their surroundings.

So we had a chat and mom agreed she shouldn't ride with that woman any more. Much to my delight, she learned to use the local bus network very well and got around nicely that way for several more years.

 

[PatrickA5]

Agree that the driving situation is really difficult to handle.

I'll never forget a story my mom told me. She had given up driving long before, due to macular degeneration, but when I moved her out here she made a friend of about the same age (mid-80s) who still had her license. She was a kind person who was always happy to take mom wherever she wanted to go.

One day they were out on the road and her friend could see that there was a traffic light coming up at the next intersection. She asked mom "What color is that light?" and mom replied "What light?"

I got this wonderfully comic mental image of two little old ladies in a car, both blissfully unaware of their surroundings.

So we had a chat and mom agreed she shouldn't ride with that woman any more. Much to my delight, she learned to use the local bus network very well and got around nicely that way for several more years.

Dad took the loss of driving pretty hard. I think he figures he'll start driving again as soon as he gets better physically. But, even if he got the van started and drove somewhere, he knows that he can't get out and walk around the store like he used to. He can barely get around his house.

He used to say how he could drive better than my brother and I - even at 95. Partially true. I have no doubts dad is still a better driver than my brother.

 

[Mr._Graybeard]

Be careful about that "dead battery". If they are determined enough, I've heard of folks having a temporary bout of lucidity and successfully calling AAA to remedy that.

My dad's car had a disconnected coil wire until a helpful neighbor came by. Dad told him the car wouldn't start, so he looked under the hood, spotted the "problem" and put Dad back on the road to get lost again (at that point he didn't recognize his own house).

I felt bad about the deception. But after years of caregiving, I learned that sometimes it was necessary to lie to keep the peace.

Dad vindicated me one day during one of those temporary bouts of lucidity. While chatting with my wife, he suddenly blanched and asked her, "Have I been driving like this?" She reassured him that no, he wasn't driving. Of course, a week later he was on my case, demanding to know what I had done with his car keys.

 

[Livefree]

My sister and I took my dad to look at an assisted Living last week. His wife (our stepmom) is in rehab recovering from a fractured back from lifting something off the shelf. They are both almost 91 and living at home.

When she found out where we had been she screamed at my dad "Were not going there and if you think so you can go by yourself"

He is paying $4500 a month for aides to come to the house to help her and we thought this would be a good solution, but doesn't look like it will work out.

 

[Scrapr]

My sister and I took my dad to look at an assisted Living last week. His wife (our stepmom) is in rehab recovering from a fractured back from lifting something off the shelf. They are both almost 91 and living at home.

When she found out where we had been she screamed at my dad "Were not going there and if you think so you can go by yourself"

He is paying $4500 a month for aides to come to the house to help her and we thought this would be a good solution, but doesn't look like it will work out.

Almost exactly 2 years ago the family had "the talk" with Mom & dad about Assisted Living. Dad's words? You're taking me out of here feet first. Fortunately Mom took him into the back room and they came out with their coats on to go "look". as soon as Mom heard she didn't have to cook anymore she was all in.

Mom died this morning. They both Dx Alzheimers

 

[redduck]

Sorry for the loss of your mom, Scrapr.

 

[Badger]

When my DM was in assisted living and was dealing with dementia she kept telling me my brother was stealing her money. In this case he had POA and actually was to the tune of 6 figures. She was correct. Boy was that a mess to clear up.

As others have posted in the past it doesn't always have to be a stranger.

Cheers!

 

[ncbill]

My dad's car had a disconnected coil wire until a helpful neighbor came by. Dad told him the car wouldn't start, so he looked under the hood, spotted the "problem" and put Dad back on the road to get lost again (at that point he didn't recognize his own house).

I felt bad about the deception. But after years of caregiving, I learned that sometimes it was necessary to lie to keep the peace.

Dad vindicated me one day during one of those temporary bouts of lucidity. While chatting with my wife, he suddenly blanched and asked her, "Have I been driving like this?" She reassured him that no, he wasn't driving. Of course, a week later he was on my case, demanding to know what I had done with his car keys.

We used a program at a local hospital (designed to help those going through physical re-hab get back to driving) to convince mom to give up driving after a formal evaluation.

 

[Dreamer]

So sorry for the loss of your mother, Scapr.

 

[braumeister]

Almost exactly 2 years ago the family had "the talk" with Mom & dad about Assisted Living. Dad's words? You're taking me out of here feet first. Fortunately Mom took him into the back room and they came out with their coats on to go "look". as soon as Mom heard she didn't have to cook anymore she was all in.

Mom died this morning. They both Dx Alzheimers

Condolences. It's always hard, no matter what. Sounds like you did well by them.

 

[Scrapr]

Condolences. It's always hard, no matter what. Sounds like you did well by them.

Thanks. Mom had a series of strokes last week that put her in a vegatative state. She was not in pain. But was not aware of happenings. So we all could say our goodbyes.

We were fortunate to find good AL and Memory care facilities. Family owned and not the bigger ones. As we were checking out the Corporate ones I found the hiring review sites helpful. Glass door, etc. One big facility right next to the Corporate office was a beatiful building. But the staff hated it. They turned over the Director 2 & 3 times a year.

My SIL was really on top of this. When moving to Memory care they asked about medical records. She pulls out multiple 3 inch binders....on each parent. The Director was astounded. LOL

 

[lhamo]

So sorry, Scrapr -- glad your mom's passing was relatively peaceful. We lost my mom three weeks ago. Congestive Heart Failure. She was pretty with it mentally up until around mid-November. Then she had a few instances of writing checks that she couldn't remember what they were for. And a couple of falls. Went to the ER after the second one and her blood oxygen was in the low 80s. We think the low oxygen may have been connected to the cognitive decline -- something else to consider if a loved one has heart failure or pulmonary issues.

Oh, totally agree with checking the facilities carefully. Including annual reports. One place we looked at with a Memory Care unit had some serious management issues and had been fined for elevators not being properly permitted. I also checked employment listings, investment reports (LOTS of corporate takeovers -- that place with management issues had a huge underlying loan and rates were going to skyrocket eventually). And I tried to meet privately with residents and families at all the places we were looking at. The research paid off. The place mom moved to was affordable and had great staff and residents.

 

[robnplunder]

Threads like this make me glad that my parents are stone broke ....

 

[akidagain2018]

I have seen the behaviors you describe exhibited by elderly and other people under medication. It can be very disorienting for everyone involved. Don't worry, keep him safe, try to coax him to give you more control, and/or try explaining. But it sounds like he has some paranoia which could be age, mental decline, medication side effects. It can take a gentle touch to navigate this, but don't hesitate to do something to figure out what is going on with him. Someone, you probably, should visit his doctor with him and develop a relationship with his doctor(s) if possible, try to get the Doctor's diagnosis and recommendations first hand. He needs a family member or friend to be his advocate in getting good care/diagnosis, and understanding all that on his behalf.