Daughter Considering Eloping Over Traditional Full Blown Wedding

[ejman]

I've always thought that the cost and lavishness of a wedding are inversely related to the duration of the marriage.

 

[Souschef]

We eloped! We got married on the Island of Santorini. Just the two of us.

 

[RobbieB]

Nice job! Looks fantastic! Yeah, that's an elopement -

Yeah, not really an elopement if people come with you. Elopement is sneaking off and getting married and nobody knows about it.

As in "Hi Mom, I got married" or "Hi Dad, meet the wife"

Now that's eloping -

 

[kgtest]

DW and I eloped to Hawaii with 9 people after we were turned off by the high stress and high costs and too many factors going into a wedding in our hometown.

Went to Maui and got married on Makena Surf. Came back to our hometown and had a pig roast in the park. No booze at the park so that really cut down on the costs. We got to put all our cool pics from our elope up on a computer screen and everyone enjoyed seeing those.

I'm glad we didn't spend a bunch of money we didn't need to in the long run and it set the pace for strong financial /saving acumen.

One statement always resonated with us in the process..."Don't go into your marriage in debt." We had bought a home and were fixing it up before we were married so we were kinda already cash poor.

We didn't regret eloping and our wedding pictures are impressive.

 

[EastWest Gal]

A small wedding and an elopement are not the same thing. My mom and dad "eloped". The couple who introduced them, mom's best friend and first cousin, and dad's best friend, were their witnesses. They had expressed their intentions to their parents' before the elopement, but the marriage was not a public affair.

DH and I had a moderately sized wedding, paid for from my savings from my private loan for medical school. Honestly, we were broke after that for several months.

My sister and her DH had a small wedding, and a reception lunch for the families and wedding party, very affordable. This model sounds like your daughter's plans.

However, flying 10 people to Italy for a ceremony is a huge unnecessary undertaking. Let them marry somewhere pretty, locally, and let them honeymoon in Italy. Destination weddings interrupt the lives of many for no purpose.

 

[Montecfo]

We eloped! We got married on the Island of Santorini. Just the two of us.

well played!

 

[Chuckanut]

I've always thought that the cost and lavishness of a wedding are inversely related to the duration of the marriage.

I bet we all have stories of marriages costing tens of thousands of dollars that did make it to the five year mark. IMHO, the longer the marriage the more resources should go into the anniversary.

 

[Montecfo]

I've always thought that the cost and lavishness of a wedding are inversely related to the duration of the marriage.

You might be on to something and that is that the MATCH is more important than the wedding.

 

[Ronstar]

I like the idea. We did something similar - just Milwaukee instead of Italy. And it was only the 2 of us.

 

[brett]

DD wanted a destination wedding so that is what we went with. High end AI, on the beach in the middle of winter. She and her now husband had been living together for five or six years.

It was perfect. I think we had about 16 people. My commitment, post wedding, was to gift them money in lieu of a large wedding. Seven years later we finally got around to that. Helped them acquire a new property.

I believe that there is only one right way. That is for the bride and groom to decide how they want to celebrate their wedding. It is their day. It can be stressful enough without a few interfering busybodies telling them how they should plan it.

Had they decided to elope that would have been fine with us.

 

[Bamaman]

Screw the wedding. Get the preacher to make it official with just family present.

Take the savings and head for an agriturismo in Tuscany. And go to Venice on a day there are no cruise ships in town.

Friends and relatives won't blame the married couple for making new memories overseas.

 

[brett]

My daughter had to be married at home prior to going down to the destinaton wedding event.

The JP or whatever he was came to the their home and did it at the kitchen table. Five minutes.

After it was over he tried to sell then a set of knives. When they said no, he suggested to my SiL that he buy several boxes and use them as customer gifts. Go figure.

We were married 48 years ago. Would I do it again. Certainly not with the same type of minister. He was a disaster who seemed more interested in whether we were going to have children and if so would we bring them up in his faith.

Not a happy camper when I said maybe to first and a hard no to the second. He was DW's family Pastor. The only thing that kept it together was us saying that if he did not do it we would go across the street to my tribe. I do not really think that he was happy with the marriage. We were young and could not care less.

My understanding is that those dinosaurs have just about become extinct!

 

[grasshopper]

Ms G and I decided on a Wednesday to tie the knot on a Saturday. Married by a JP, and my Mom bought everyone that came to the ceremony breakfast. That was 41 years ago. Our first joint checking account had $34 in it. Still in love and happy.

 

[wrigley]

My daughter, and her then fiancé, got married at an all inclusive in the Bahamas. Just the two of them. That's what they wanted and we were fine with it. They've been married for over 10 years now.

Mike

 

[JP.mpls]

Oscar,
My wife and I were going to elope, but my mother found out about it. We ended up getting married in our living room with just our very immediate family, and going out to a nice dinner after.
A month later we threw a big casual party at our house, and invited all of our friends and extended family. We had a bunch of food, and an open bar. It was great fun in my opinion.
The cost was minimal, and we both were much more interested in saving up to buy a house.
I used to joke that a marriage's success was inversely proportional to the size of the wedding. I have no statistics to back this up, but it is based on how determined the bride is to have some crazy overblown keep up with the Joneses wedding.
I hope it goes well.
Take care,. JP

 

[Koolau]

When DD indicated she was planning to be married, we said. "Congrats! Here's $$XXthousand. Use it for a wedding, honeymoon, house downpayment, etc. Just invite us to whatever ceremony you decide (JP at the court house up to a full church, etc.)" YMMV

 

[street]

Just heard that a guy I worked with got married by the Chaplin. They needed a witness and found someone that worked at the hospital they didn't know to be the witness.
He is about 40 years old.

 

[target2019]

Mom is all for it but I am not sure what the FSIL’s parents think.

After being together for 3 years or so, the subject came up with mine. From the beginning there was input from M-I-L, who wanted a very large wedding for her only son. We previewed a very nice wedding venue, that could hold 500 easily. The groom's family is from a rural area where they have a great number of cousins. Certain things wouldn't work, since the venue had what I'd call bare-bones stay-over accomodations for my close family.

What then happened really made me proud. My daughter completely took over the planning, made spreadsheets, got 3-5 estimates, and made her decisions, keeping both mothers at a good distance.

There were so many great moments for me. For example, I went to help pick the dress. Lol, the shop owner told me she did not see many fathers in the shop.

He and She made some payments as the estimate grew. He wanted a 9-piece band, and paid about half of that. M-I-L kicked in about 10%.

YMMV. It really depends on the relationship of the couple. If she truly does not want "the package", then it will work for them. But our young couple wanted "the package" and it really came off as a spectacular event in freezing weather at the beach, with COVID keeping some away at the last minute. So the number dropped from 200+ to about 155 we paid for. We were in the hotel/hall for 4 days, and it made everything so simple, self-contained.

There could be substantial friction that your daughter wants to avoid, so I'd trust her judgment. But as my chart shows, parents do have an interest. So their wishes deserve some consideration, but not drive the final decision.

We, her parents, actually went easy on her family, and had a simple ceremony, with dinner for about 30. But times change, we're not our children, and they did not take my offer. They had specific wants, something like a total-entertainment blast. And they made the right choices.

 

[Midpack]

I think the kids should decide what they want without prodding from parents. But I think parents should establish a budget instead of adapting to the whims of the kids - that’s how wedding costs run amuck.

Some good friends have told their three daughters they’ll pony up $20K for each wedding, no more or less, and the daughters can do as they please. If they want an over the top blowout wedding/reception they have to come up with the additional $, or they can scale back and pocket some money to start their life together with. Great idea IMO.

The oldest daughter rented a barn, served simple food, hired a DJ - and 150 of us all had a fabulous time on a budget! Way more fun than a fancy formal wedding/reception IME.

A DIL also rented a barn, served simple food, hired a Mardi Gras band. They had the ceremony in an open field across the street, and the Mardi Gras band marched us all to the reception. It was a blast.

On reflection, I dread going to expensive formal wedding affairs even if I’m not paying a dime…

 

[timbervest]

DS and DDIL got married during COVID - small 20 people outdoor venue. They wanted to have a "bigger" wedding a year later with a wider circle of family and friends that could not attend and both are doing well financially so I told them I would match what they put in dollar for dollar (ironically DDIL's parents contributed minimally). They had a nice wedding celebration, not too lavish, but with some nice flourishes and they were very judicious about the budget.

BTW got a kick out of telling friends when they ask how DS was doing that, he "was getting married again" and seeing the look of confusion on their faces.

 

[HarryHawk]

My son and dil got married and had a mid-sized traditional wedding just before the pandemic hit. It did not impose an undue financial burden on anyone involved and ranks as one of the top ten most memorable events of my life. They have no regrets and all who had a financial interest consider it money well spent.

 

[tmm99]

I got married when I was 24. I didn't want a wedding. I thought it was a waste of money. My then DH didn't care either. I proposed to my mom that she give me the same amount of money she spent on my brother's wedding (so I can save that money.) She agreed but she wanted me to at least have a small reception and have photos taken in a wedding dress so there is something to show in case I had kids in the future. We rented a room in a restaurant and only our aunts/uncles/grandparents were invited. And DH and I dressed up in wedding attire and got our photos taken.

I don't even call that eloping, so your daughter's wedding plan certainly isn't eloping. I think her plan is a good idea. She's being sensible.

 

[punkinhead]

My daughter got married last summer at a drive thru wedding chapel in the Wisconsin Dells. We call it the McWedding. We gave them a large enough cash gift to pay off her husband's school loans. Spending tens of thousands of dollars on a party is silly.

 

[W2R]

Some good friends have told their three daughters they’ll pony up $20K for each wedding, no more or less, and the daughters can do as they please. If they want an over the top blowout wedding/reception they have to come up with the additional $, or they can scale back and pocket some money to start their life together with. Great idea IMO.

I thought that was a great idea, so that's what I did when my DD got married back in 2009 (two weeks before my retirement!). Only one difference - - my ex and I were divorced, most of my savings had to go to my ER stash, and I just had $10K to contribute to the wedding. She wanted a big wedding so she arranged one with catered reception and an open bar in Portland. Surely the two of them contributed some. They were happy, I was happy, all worked out nicely.

When I got married, all I wanted was to be married. I didn't want a fancy wedding. I suggested a Justice of the Peace. But my mother had dreamed about a fancy wedding for me, for years and years (she didn't have one and longed for it to be fancy). So, what Mom wanted, Mom got. Having lived in Hawaii for only 13 years by that time, they decided it had to be back in Missouri where they grew up (and where I knew nearly nobody). I had a formal church wedding in St. Louis with 350 of their wealthiest friends, almost none of whom I knew. She insisted on sewing my wedding dress out of white Japanese brocade she had bought 20 years prior (in Kyoto) for that purpose. I thought it looked weird, but figured, well, whatever. The wedding was not what we wanted but we survived. What a waste of money! Well, IMO. It made Mom happy so there was that.

 

[Sue J]

DH and I were 21 when we got married. My parents planned and paid for the whole thing, about 115 people. I did not want a big wedding, but my parents were handling it all so I told them to just copy my sister's wedding from 3 years earlier. I even used her dress, I changed the blue ribbon trim to yellow. They invited all the people that they owed a party to and I went along with it. FOR THEM. And also for DHs family as he was the oldest child and his parents invited a a lot of family and friends.

As I've gotten older I realize that I am a private person and being on display for what to me was a private event was not how I would have done it. But at 21 I wasn't strong enough to express that to the powers that be. I didn't realize that I could have had options, I just went along with what everyone expected in a wedding. Overall, we pleased both sides of the family. I just felt like it wasn't my wedding. It was my parents wedding, DH and I were just the main act for the event.

So when our son went to Beijing to get married in a district marriage office I understood and appreciated that he knew what the two of them wanted.

DH and I are coming up on our 46th anniversary later this year. The wedding was not what I wanted. The marriage sure has been exactly what I wanted.