Divorced Parent Budgeting for "Kids" Weddings

[prototype]

... They will graduate with degrees in STEM fields, no loans and nice cars we paid for, so I was kind of hoping that was enough for us to fund. If any additional support was needed I'd be more willing .....

I did the same for both my kids (college, cars... they are student loan free!). Ex didn't help out much. That's why I'm keeping the $$ amounts reasonable.

I can't believe I didn't think about adding "kids wedding gifts" to my budget as one time expense until I got word from DS that he was getting married. Fortunately the numbers I am going with are manageable.

 

[freebird5825]

Weddings...just like boats or lakefront property or fast cars...triple the price on everything.

I came from modest means. My husband's family had some money but not for the wedding, as tradition dictated at the time. His family covered the rehearsal dinner. No problem.
He and I paid for everything for our wedding. We shopped around, got great deals by planning it ourselves without intervention, and had a wonderful time with 125 guests. It was low key but well planned. Nobody went hungry or thirsty.
In fact many of our guests commented on how comfortable they were NOT being at a big woohoo formal expensive reception.

Anything that our families wanted to gift to us came AFTER the fact. No fuss no muss.

 

[athena53]

.
He and I paid for everything for our wedding. We shopped around, got great deals by planning it ourselves without intervention, and had a wonderful time with 125 guests. It was low key but well planned. Nobody went hungry or thirsty.

Expectations have really gone out of control in this area. My parents were married in 1952 and the reception was held in my maternal grandparents' house. The "open bar" was a keg in the basement downstairs. I remember that basement well. It had one of those big, scary furnaces and the walls were tastefully decorated with pictures of old blast furnaces and there were usually a few of my uncles' bodybuilding magazines scattered around. My parents are still married and solvent.

DS is my only child and he and DDIL never asked for money for the wedding. They had a brunch reception in the church basement. We did foot the bill for a rehearsal dinner that included her aunts and uncles on both sides (there were a lot of them), the 12 attendants, spouses and kids, as well as the people from my side of the family who made it to Iowa. There were 50 people and it cost us $4,500 but it was worth it. She has a wonderful family and we got to meet them all and they got to have a reunion.

Oh, yeah- I did all the bouquets with last-minute help from my mother and sister. We drove the 3 hours to Iowa with so many flowers in the back seat the car smelled like a funeral parlor. Fun times.

I do like the flat- amount approach. Then you stay out of the planning unless requested. My parents' attitudes towards our weddings was, "just tell us when and where to be there".

 

[marvholly]

Late DH was disabled by the time our DD1 got married in 2003. We figgured we could afford $5000. By the time DD2 got married in 2005 DH had passed away. I gave her the same $5000 + 10% for inflation. We also paid for the rehersal dinner for DD1. Inlaws paid for DD2.

Both got $1000 checks as wedding gifts.

 

[BellBarbara]

We paid 100% college for all 3 kids (2 of them are 50K+ per year). His ex-wife was supposed to contribute but refused to, and he did not want to take her back to court. So he doesn't want to pay anything for weddings for his girls. He will give a nice cash gift he says. It's his call. I would just give them some money.

OTOH, I plan to give my son 10K to spend on his wedding, pay for the rehearsal dinner, and perhaps pay for their honeymoon in lieu of a gift. He is living with someone I think he will marry. Her father is destitute (alcoholic) and not sure her mom makes good money so unsure how it will all come together since she said "when I get married I want the whole big thing".

 

[Moemg]

I was divorced from my daughter's father . I gave her $10,000 for the wedding and paid for her gown , tiara & veil . I also gave a nice wedding present & shower present & helped with financing the shower . My Ex did contribute . I have no idea how much . The groom's parents paid for the rehearsal dinner . It was a lovely wedding .I left all the details to them .

 

[haha]

In the 70s it seemed that most people got married on the beach, or in a park, or in their back yard. Pretty cheap.

My sons and their brides paid for their own weddings, by this time they had much better incomes than I did. As to whether a certain amount spent on a wedding would or would not impact one's retirement, awfully hard to say until you have done it, and are dead.

I wanted to be married at the LA County Clerk's office. That got vetoed, but I had set my spending limits- I think it was <$20. Marriage lasted long time and gave us both a lot of pleasure. I think my failings led to its eventual loss. Marriage is a once only experience for me, not because it is or may be bad, but because it is so expensive and painful to exit.


Ha

 

[mpeirce]

> I wanted to be married at the LA County Clerk's office.

We got married by a Santa Clara county judge. It was after the Loma Prieta earthquake had damaged the county court house, so the judges were in temporary digs in the county jail building. Followed a procession of women prisoners all chained together through the lobby. Big fun!

We did take our witnesses out for dinner afterwards, so we did spend some money on it.

 

[Choices]

We got married at the courthouse in Fairbanks, AK. Most of the attendees were in NPS or USFWS uniforms. The bride wore gray. We spent more on our 20 yr vow renewal than for the initial ceremony.
2 of my kids did the courthouse thing one had a traditional wedding.

 

[Spanky]

I've told my daughter that my opinion is that expensive weddings are stupid, that if/when she decides to get married it needs to be a small ceremony with just close friends and family, and instead of an expensive party, put money toward investment for their future.

Agreed - we spent very little - less than $1K (without any contribution from either side of our parents) on our wedding 28 years ago.

 

[poorcarver]

We had the discussion with our DS and DD long before weddings were in the picture. The deal was that we would deliver them to their university graduation debt free with the title to a working automobile in their pockets and that was the end of the road. DD married a few years ago to a fine fellow. They had a very lovely and I think quite inexpensive wedding at their own expense. We did give them a gift of $1,000.00. DS shows no signs of making a selection. The case gets a bit stickier in his case as he did the ROTC scholarship choice that resulted in zero costs to us for his degree. So we sort of owe him. We will work it out when the time comes.

 

[rodi]

In the 70s it seemed that most people got married on the beach, or in a park, or in their back yard. Pretty cheap.

My Y2K wedding was on a grassy bluff above the ocean. My best friend made my dress (about $100 in fabric). We took the 20 or so people who attended to brunch at a restaurant on the water in Cardiff. Total bill for brunch was $450, including tip. I made my own hand tied bouquets and corsages/boutineers (sp) myself - about $100 in fresh roses and materials for the project. I love that my wedding AND honeymoon cost about $2500 - including all travel. (We lived in Philly, got married in San Diego, and honeymooned in Maui.) A month later we had a big party at a catering hall for 90 people... It was cheap because we explicitly stated it was not a wedding reception... Having it as a wedding reception jacked up the price by $15/head. The wedding industry is a racket.

It's very possible to do a very nice wedding on a budget. My parents gave me $5000 total - which we applied to the various expenses of both the wedding, honeymoon, and Philly party later.

 

[BellBarbara]

My second wedding 12 years ago was immediate family and a few friends - maybe 40 total. We did a destination wedding at a B&B in VT. We married on their lawn, and they served wonderful food. Everyone loved it. I think the whole thing cost us 3K. I personally would have done something even less, my husband wanted the wedding and planned the whole thing.

 

[Sunset]

Instead of an extra $10k on top of the $27,000 already spent, wouldn't it be more fair to give couple #1 the extra $14,500 ($27,000 - $12,500) you spent on couple #2's wedding?

(FWIW, we spent more on DD#2's wedding than on DD#1, and to be fair gave DD#1 the difference in cash - which they used to help with a down payment on a house.)

+1
On the surface it sounds like once again frivolous spending is rewarded, maybe not in this case, but sure looks like that or favouritism.

 

[Sunset]

I do find it ironic that divorced folks still think in terms of tens of thousands of dollars for a wedding.
Its really a party, so why not a Halloween Party for 15K ?
If you spend over a 100K will the marriage last longer?

I do rant, and all my ranting is meaningless, but it's pretty amazing how many young couples feel they are obligated to spend vast amounts of money on a wedding, while at the same time, they cannot scrape together enough cash to put 20% down on a house.

 

[RunningBum]

I've read where many people here say to not spend money on things, but rather, experiences, usually meaning vacations. Seems like a wedding for your son or daughter is not that much different. I'm not talking about an extravaganza, but something nice and tasteful, and memorable, at least for them.

 

[Katsmeow]

If she has no wedding plans by 30 (she just turned 25), I'll gift the money to her over a couple of years and encourage her to invest it. Heck, for all I know I may be starting a small dribble of wealth transfer in 5 years anyway

I didn't get married until I was 37 and long out of my parent's household. By then they were retired and I was making a good income.

For some strange reason, I always had in my head that the most romantic place to get married was in Las Vegas so when DH and I decided to get married I suggested that. My parents were OK with it and gave us $5000 as a wedding gift (This was 23 years ago). We were grateful and my parents enjoyed watching the wedding video.

I knew that DH had married his prior wife in Las Vegas (quite a coincidence), but I wasn't going to let that keep me from being married where I wanted to get married.

When we got there, we got wedding chapel brochures from the hotel and I picked out the one that seemed the most tasteful. When the limo (part of the wedding package) delivered us there, DH called me aside and said he hadn't been sure until we got there -- but he recognized as the place where he married his prior wife.

I thought about it and realized it didn't really bother me. They had 4 chapels inside and I just asked that he get married in a different one from the one he had been in before...

The wedding was inexpensive, the trip was nice, the gambling was fun and we didn't come close to spending the $5000.

 

[brett]

Daughter is planning a destination wedding to a warm resort next January. We are waiting for the budget amounts. Seems to me this will be a good thing. People who are invited pay their own way but are asked not to do any gifts. I suspect that it will be a small wedding. Just fine with us. We would rather give them money than pay for a big party.