End Game Preparations

[Tekward]

My DW and I had a good discussion on steps to take if one of us passes suddenly (like both my parents). We touched on pensions, accounts, passwords, trusted advisors and medical and burial preferences. It's a needed and somber talk, but in the end we could go quickly and we want to ease the burden on survivors. I plan to open the discussion with my oldest grown daughter next week. Not quite a joyful holiday topic.

I'd welcome and advice, experiences, etc.

 

[Gabieta]

My dad recently sat me down for that discussion, and he kept his tone very practical and matter-of-fact.


The fact that he is currently in perfect health, I think, made the discussion seem much more "hypothetical" than real, and a little less stressful. It would have been infinitely harder to discuss from a hospital bed.


So, best of luck with the discussion -- it is an important one to have!

 

[REWahoo]

My dad recently sat me down for that discussion, and he kept his tone very practical and matter-of-fact.

The fact that he is currently in perfect health, I think, made the discussion seem much more "hypothetical" than real, and a little less stressful. It would have been infinitely harder to discuss from a hospital bed.

How old is your dad?

Like him, DW and I have no health issues but approaching 70 I've been considering when to have that discussion with our two adult daughters. We've left them detailed written information regarding what to do in the event of our incapacitation or death, but would feel better if we discussed it with them to allow for questions and greater understanding.

 

[growing_older]

My dad had a talk like that with me a few years ago, then never wanted to talk about it again. It's a hard topic for him to address. He's healthy for his age and doing well, but it seemed like a big relief to him at the time to know that his kids had at least one shot at the information. I think he had similar talks with my brother and sister. We're glad to know as much as we do about his wishes and hopefully will be many more years before we need to act on any of it.

 

[Del Q]

The talk isn't near as important is writing it down. My in laws are over 80 with a disabled child at home. No wills, POA or instructions on anything. When asked if they had anything written down they just responded "we've told enough people what we want, why should we pay money to an attorney to write it down". There's a train wreck waiting to happen here... DW and I have everything written down in legal documents and our kids know where they are, we didn't feel the need to talk much about it now, it's all there. My dad passed recently and he had a codicil to his will that wasn't witnessed properly when he signed it - it's invalid. He also had notes all over the place on who was to get what - the personal rep couldn't do a thing about any of them, it all had to pass in his estate. If you want someone to have something the only sure way to do it is give it to them while you're alive.

 

[Car-Guy]

My dad had a talk like that with me a few years ago, then never wanted to talk about it again. It's a hard topic for him to address.

+1 same here....

 

[Gearhead Jim]

Retired airline guy here, my wife keeps getting my passes after I die.
But the adult kids' passes stop 30 days after I kick off, which is a real problem for me.

Forget my Living Will, Health Care Power of Attorney, Advanced Care Directives, etc. I'll be hooked up to a dozen machines and have green mold growing out of my ears for years before they'll let me die.
"Hey, here's a great deal on trips to Boogerstan! How can we keep him going for another six months?"

 

[LARS]

Never understood reluctance of others to discuss these kinds of issues. Makes zero sense to me: death of a loved one is difficult without all the nonsense that comes from shortsighted planning.


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[rdy2go]

Always good to plan while capable and not wait until it is too late. I have made a three ring binder with mutual fund statements, account numbers, passwords and a summary so that my wife can have all the financial info close at hand if needed. I should also tell my daughter about it just in case something happened to my wife and I at the same time.

 

[JOHNNIE36]

About a year ago I decided to put some information in a book that I keep in my desk drawer. On the front is a white label on which I wrote "A To Do List For When I'm Gone". I devoted one page for each topic such as who to contact upon my death, from my pension, life insurance companies, former employer, etc. and the information includes phone numbers. Trying to make it easy for survivors. I also included our investments, amounts, user names and passwords, phone numbers etc. in order to contact those agencies. Also listed bank accounts, phone numbers, passwords for accounts, etc. Someone needs to know where the money is and how to access it. I couldn't think of a better way to do this. My wife, son and daughter know about this book and that it must be the first thing they go to when I'm gone. Every couple months I update it.

 

[tmm99]

About a year ago I decided to put some information in a book that I keep in my desk drawer. On the front is a white label on which I wrote "A To Do List For When I'm Gone". I devoted one page for each topic such as who to contact upon my death, from my pension, life insurance companies, former employer, etc. and the information includes phone numbers. Trying to make it easy for survivors. I also included our investments, amounts, user names and passwords, phone numbers etc. in order to contact those agencies. Also listed bank accounts, phone numbers, passwords for accounts, etc. Someone needs to know where the money is and how to access it. I couldn't think of a better way to do this. My wife, son and daughter know about this book and that it must be the first thing they go to when I'm gone. Every couple months I update it.

This sounds like a great idea. I am still not sure about writing down passwords but I have been thinking about having all the information in one place and I like the way you have done yours.


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[Katiek]

My Dad was very organized and he wrote a detailed letter with information on all sorts of financial stuff (investments, pensions, bank accounts) as well as practical information like - this is where we keep the records, here is where we keep the deeds to the graves, here is where the title to the car is, these are the people who deliver heating oi or perform other services on the house. He updated it over time and woud give all the kids copies when he updated it.

He passed last year, and the info in there has proven very useful. The practical house stuff was very useful to my Mom, and the financial info was very useful to my sibling who served as executrix of the estate.

Group the info by section and put down anything you might want to tell them, and if they don't need that info they can skip that section until they need it. All my siblings and I view that letter from my Dad as just another way he tried to take care of all of us and make things easier for us when we were going through an emotional time .

 

[pb4uski]

I have a detailed balance sheet along with year end statements for each account in a file that would be a road map for DW and DD if I get hit by a beer truck.

 

[Amethyst]

Some of us are braver than others, that's all. Never underestimate the power of fear.

Never understood reluctance of others to discuss these kinds of issues. Makes zero sense to me: death of a loved one is difficult without all the nonsense that comes from shortsighted planning.


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[LARS]

Some of us are braver than others, that's all. Never underestimate the power of fear.

Not a so much a question of braver I should think, but perhaps considerate. I use that word only in the context of not wanting to force beneficiaries to wade through a legal/financial quagmire in dealing with an estate over their own unease with the topic.

I have seen how an ounce of prevention is worth 50 pounds of cure in this regard. Moreover, I have seen too many siblings pushed to breaking point fighting over nonsense, which is by the way never about the specific "nonsense", that could've been easily avoided if mom and dad had focused on their inevitable earthly demise.


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[Mulligan]

Not a so much a question of braver I should think, but perhaps considerate. I use that word only in the context of not wanting to force beneficiaries to wade through a legal/financial quagmire in dealing with an estate over their own unease with the topic.

I have seen how an ounce of prevention is worth 50 pounds of cure in this regard. Moreover, I have seen too many siblings pushed to breaking point fighting over nonsense, which is by the way never about the specific "nonsense", that could've been easily avoided if mom and dad had focused on their inevitable earthly demise.


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My golfing companion who is an elderly neighbor of mine discusses death quite often. He has his plan all set up and organized even to the point of when they can access the money. The funny thing he mentioned his dad. He said his dad intentionally had no written plans. He said his dad stated, if they cant sit down like adults and settle the estate equitably, they deserve to have problems.
Obviously he didn't think that was the "plan" to follow.


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[TeeRuh]

I have a file on the computer with account names and passwords for my DW. (She refuses to get involved in this while I'm alive.) She did make me change the file name from: "Rick's Dead" to "For Connie With Love". Go figure!

t.r.

 

[Sunset]

About a year ago I decided to put some information in a book that I keep in my desk drawer. On the front is a white label on which I wrote "A To Do List For When I'm Gone". I devoted one page for each topic such as who to contact upon my death, from my pension, life insurance companies, former employer, etc. and the information includes phone numbers. Trying to make it easy for survivors. I also included our investments, amounts, user names and passwords, phone numbers etc. in order to contact those agencies. Also listed bank accounts, phone numbers, passwords for accounts, etc. Someone needs to know where the money is and how to access it. I couldn't think of a better way to do this. My wife, son and daughter know about this book and that it must be the first thing they go to when I'm gone. Every couple months I update it.

So if some kid breaks into your house, you lose everything.

 

[gerntz]

We plan on doing this at age 70/71 assuming we're both still in good health; if not, earlier. However, our only child is busy raising his family, & while it's necessary & not a problem for us to do, we feel not distracting/burdening him with this for a while yet is the better option. He does know where our assets are.

 

[travelover]

Always good to plan while capable and not wait until it is too late. ..........

My late FIL had it all written down re his wishes for life extension. When it came down to the wire, his daughter from his first marriage showed up and declared that no one can really know what they want before they actually face death and that his prior direction should be ignored. Fortunately MIL overruled and the poor guy was allowed to die at the tender age of 92.

 

[fh2000]

So if some kid breaks into your house, you lose everything.

In my case, I keep everything in a spreadsheet and store in a fire-proof box from Costco. We use the same password that every family member would recognize as '********'. For those that I deviated, I replace them with letters or numbers, so it would show, "*****384'. I hope that is sufficient for family, and enough to prevent theft.

 

[JOHNNIE36]

So if some kid breaks into your house, you lose everything.

Good point! Now I'll have to hide it somewhere where I can't remember where I put it.

 

[48Fire]

My DW and I had a good discussion on steps to take if one of us passes suddenly (like both my parents). We touched on pensions, accounts, passwords, trusted advisors and medical and burial preferences. It's a needed and somber talk, but in the end we could go quickly and we want to ease the burden on survivors. I plan to open the discussion with my oldest grown daughter next week. Not quite a joyful holiday topic.

I'd welcome and advice, experiences, etc.

In dealing with MIL lately, it was invaluable to have Durable Power of Attorney. So when FIL passed, and she got dementia, we were able to keep everything moving. Even with that, it was a challenge to prove sometimes.

Also, a good thing to have was her email account and password. This allowed some "I forgot my password" recoveries, coupled with SSN.

As much as you can get on auto pay or on-line, the better, in my opinion.

 

[Dog]

Wishing my in-laws would be better about their aging situation. FIL has hearing issues and physical problems he won't address and MIL is showing advanced signs of dementia . They are in their 80's living in a large home they can't upkeep and won't hire help. DH has to help with home maintenance the best he can on his day off. They refuse to discuss moving even though the home is in a remote beach community that is pretty much vacated in the winter months. They lose power several times in the winter.
I'm so thankful my deceased parents prepared and discussed things before they departed. I now realize how considerate they were.


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[bclover]

Never understood reluctance of others to discuss these kinds of issues. Makes zero sense to me: death of a loved one is difficult without all the nonsense that comes from shortsighted planning.


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First of all, the "nonsense" is going to happen whether or not you've discussed.

Just my personal experience.

My sons are 21 and 24. 2 1/2 months ago they lost their dad, my wonderful husband of 30 years to cancer at age 52.

Even with a fully planned out life including a prepaid burial, the "nonsense" is there. Grief is a Be-atch.

now after almost 3 years they still will not and do not want to entertain the fact that I will die. subconsciously they know people die but I think the pain associated with losing a parent is just to real for them to willing discuss "casually".

I'm glad you can be clinical and blase about it, for others it's not so easy