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Old 04-28-2021, 06:45 PM   #61
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Always be respectful and not confront your parents.

Other than that, do what you have been doing. Your parents will not be able to understand. Their minds are from a good place but their minds are not up to date. It is a simple generation gap that no one has control of.
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Old 04-28-2021, 07:19 PM   #62
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Originally Posted by livingalmostlarge View Post
Yeah tell she told me get off my ass. She's blunt and a force to be reckoned with. And yes financial insecurity for sure. But you don't get where she is without being driven and forceful. Single parent and here I am lazing about. Sigh I know she wanted me to have the perfect career and I achieved everything academically she wanted. And the I let her down after my "ivy" degrees (under and grad) and no career. Instead I just chill and work in a job.

I appreciate w2r because i think that's a big part of it. The way you wrote it i think is a lot of what she's thinking. She's freaking out that I won't have enough. What if something happens. Actually i've worked enough to qualify for SS but not more than 1/2 my DH. We've been married 17 years. I don't have a job history to get a "good" job by her definition. So W2R am I wrong in not working? I mean if we hit our FIRE number already does it matter i don't work? I ask because we will be there by the time the kids are in high school or college. So then do I need to work if I don't want to?

Nope I don't know how I will contribute to the world. I guess I contribute now raising the kids and making our lifestyle smooth. I do everything and I like it. I am a control freak. But could my DH do it without me? No for a lot of reasons I won't get into. I just like my life slower.
I agree with w2R that your mom could just be worried about your future, because mom’s worry : ) I also agree with the suggestions that your mother might be jealous. If she, as you stated, had to work long and hard to get what she has, she might not appreciate just how hard you have been working as well. Or if she were a single mom, she might feel jealous of the fact that the opportunity of choosing to be a stay at home mom wasn’t available to her.

I’d like to add that this also might represent a generational gap in expectations. I’ve run into this mind set from time to time, especially from my own mom. From the time me and my sister were quite little, my mother drilled into us the importance of having a career and not relying on a husband for support. Partly because of her rough childhood growing up. But also because, as she used to say, she had two career options growing up: teacher or nurse (she chose nurse) And she was very sensitive to the fact that women had only recently had more career opportunities available to them. I think if I had chosen to stay at home with my kids she might have viewed it as somehow betraying all those women who came before me who had fought to be accepted as working moms in the field of their choosing. Of course, the fight was for women to have the right to make a CHOICE as to their future. Not dictate they work at a job outside the home! But logic often takes a backseat when strong emotions are at play.
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Old 04-28-2021, 07:30 PM   #63
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You know your family so you better know the intent behind the comments. It could be they're being judgemental. Or it could be that they are anxious about financial security (some people continue to worry even if they are "set") and they are worried for you as well. They mean well, but express it badly. Or they could see your choosing a different path as a rejection of the things they think are important (or your spending time with your family may make them defensive about their own choices)



In either event, you won't get far by trying to explain it to them. So a polite but definite statement that this decision is what works best for your family and that although your appreciate their concern, you're fine.
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Old 04-28-2021, 09:03 PM   #64
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Old 04-28-2021, 09:33 PM   #65
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looking back at the OP, there is no small amount of concern about her being dependent on her husband's income. That is a genuine concern for many. i imagine her mom has seen wives who have been left in a lurch and have no means or experience to make their own way. Just a thought.
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Old 04-29-2021, 06:58 AM   #66
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OP, my wife recommends the book "Boundaries"* by Henry Cloud to friends and family that are dealing with folks in their lives that over step. I don't think the issue is whether you w*rk or not. I think the issue is that your DM thinks she gets a vote in how you choose to lead your life.

*The book subtitle is, "When to say yes, How to say no to take control of your life".
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Old 04-29-2021, 01:44 PM   #67
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I do not understand this.

It is only a problem because you choose to make it a problem for yourself.

You choose to let those comments bother or hurt you and you choose to believe that it is necessary for you to change the opinions of loved ones.

Why bother? Just move on. Make the choice not to let those comments bother your and move on with your life. This is entirely up to you.

Really, do you really think that you can change your mother's view on this subject? Let it go and move forward.
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Old 04-29-2021, 02:04 PM   #68
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I have a friend who is now retired. She used to work for me and ended up retiring after me, but still younger than me. When anyone asks her what she’s doing, she simply states “Living my best life.” I submit that once you really believe that, the issues you have with other people regarding retirement just don’t matter.
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Old 04-29-2021, 02:10 PM   #69
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OP, my wife recommends the book "Boundaries"* by Henry Cloud to friends and family that are dealing with folks in their lives that over step. I don't think the issue is whether you w*rk or not. I think the issue is that your DM thinks she gets a vote in how you choose to lead your life.

*The book subtitle is, "When to say yes, How to say no to take control of your life".
Interesting perspective.... spot on.
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Old 04-29-2021, 02:20 PM   #70
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My mother had many opinions, and she wasn't shy about sharing them with anybody and everybody. I learned early in life to just let them go in one ear and right out the other.
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Old 04-29-2021, 02:50 PM   #71
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my mother had many opinions, and she wasn't shy about sharing them with anybody and everybody. I learned early in life to just let them go in one ear and right out the other.
Exactly! VERY good advice. This is your problem, not your mother's.
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Old 04-29-2021, 03:27 PM   #72
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ER is viewed by some as unproductive. To be fair, what will you do with your time and energy to make the world a better place? Serious question. Wasting away in Margaritaville is not a good way to live. How will you be productive to yourself and others, beyond "enjoying" life?

ER is not understood by many. It can also be a trigger for jealousy.

ER is a legitimate option for all people. It is not a practical option for all people.

What will you do with your time and energy when ER?
What exactly is the relationship between ER and making the world a better place? I've been ER'd for 20 years now. As a result of that I'm usually not stressed and in a happy mood. In pre covid days I made it a point to smile to people at the store, let people pass me on the road and let others obviously stressed by work or whatever have priority. (Not so much during covid now as I'm sort of a hermit because of chemo treatments). So does one have to be mother Theresa to make the world a better place? We all have different arenas we play in. Why would it be wrong to enjoy life assuming one is not harming someone else by doing so? And if a person enjoys the dolce farniente - what is wrong with that?
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Old 04-29-2021, 03:31 PM   #73
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Always be respectful and not confront your parents.

Other than that, do what you have been doing. Your parents will not be able to understand. Their minds are from a good place but their minds are not up to date. It is a simple generation gap that no one has control of.
Good advice. However now I'm struggling with the consequence's. As DW states it: Now we know what we'll do with the extra million.
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Old 04-29-2021, 03:36 PM   #74
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I'm fully FIREd at age 46 and I know that my parents don't get it. So what. As long as they don't pay my bills, they have no say in the matter.
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Old 04-29-2021, 05:40 PM   #75
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OP, my wife recommends the book "Boundaries"* by Henry Cloud to friends and family that are dealing with folks in their lives that over step. I don't think the issue is whether you w*rk or not. I think the issue is that your DM thinks she gets a vote in how you choose to lead your life.

*The book subtitle is, "When to say yes, How to say no to take control of your life".
Just FYI, though it has a lot of great ratings on Amazon, most of the 3* and lower ones mention that there is a lot of scripture quoted and it has a strong religious bent. So keep that in mind if that's not your cup of tea.
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Old 05-01-2021, 05:04 PM   #76
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My assumption that ERers are looked down by others is because of jealousy. In their minds they feel immediately judged by the ERers that they did not do good planning job so they can't retire at the same or older age.

For the sake of avoiding family argument, I am not going to announce my retirement to them. They will just have to be jealous about how good my company is treating me that gives me 365 holidays a year..

I am rating my retirement plan as a step lower than my income which is step lower thany my net worth. None of these will go outside of my spread sheet.
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Old 05-01-2021, 09:17 PM   #77
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I had an 80 something neighbor that disapproved of me retiring at 55, he retired at 75. TBH he disapproved of just about everything thing I did and he felt at liberty to tell me so. He told me that the reason he retired at 75 was because he didn’t want his good mind to go to waste. I endured this for a decade but when I retired I chose to move . I gave him clear warning not to pester me about details of my move. As expected he couldn’t comply and I gave him the cussing of his life. He remarked that he had never been talked to like that in his life. I just told him to call back tomorrow and he won’t be able to say that. I was tired of playing patta-cake.
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Old 05-01-2021, 09:58 PM   #78
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I had an 80 something neighbor that disapproved of me retiring at 55, he retired at 75. TBH he disapproved of just about everything thing I did and he felt at liberty to tell me so. He told me that the reason he retired at 75 was because he didn’t want his good mind to go to waste. I endured this for a decade but when I retired I chose to move . I gave him clear warning not to pester me about details of my move. As expected he couldn’t comply and I gave him the cussing of his life. He remarked that he had never been talked to like that in his life. I just told him to call back tomorrow and he won’t be able to say that. I was tired of playing patta-cake.
I really hate neighbors like that. Good thing I keep my boundary pretty well that I don't take abuse like that from anyone.
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Old 05-01-2021, 09:59 PM   #79
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As expected he couldn’t comply and I gave him the cussing of his life. He remarked that he had never been talked to like that in his life. I just told him to call back tomorrow and he won’t be able to say that.
That is a singularly good line!
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Old 05-02-2021, 02:32 AM   #80
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To me, it sounds like his "good mind" was one of his delusions. He was not quite all there; the way he talked to you, and wouldn't leave you alone, tells me that.

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I had an 80 something neighbor that disapproved of me retiring at 55, he retired at 75. TBH he disapproved of just about everything thing I did and he felt at liberty to tell me so. He told me that the reason he retired at 75 was because he didn’t want his good mind to go to waste. I endured this for a decade but when I retired I chose to move . I gave him clear warning not to pester me about details of my move. As expected he couldn’t comply.
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