Explaining ER to people and looked down

[Closet_Gamer]

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Originally Posted by audreyh1 Your mom probably comes from a generation where women were often financially dependent on their spouses and often to their detriment. Her generation was not encouraged to become financially independent and could be trapped by divorce, widowhood, etc., into a much rougher living situation. These days it seems quite a luxury for one spouse to stay home and raise the kids and with only one working spouse still be able to achieve early retirement. It’s probably quite rare. May be difficult to understand.

I was just thinking how interesting it is that in two generations or so we've gone from "a woman's place is in the home" -- and people of both genders who sincerely believed that -- to "how can you possibly think about stepping back from a career."

Many years ago a friend of mine said that one spouse staying home to raise the children was the new middle class status symbol.

Interesting observation.

[Closet_Gamer]

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Originally Posted by TheWizard To the OP, since this is family you're dealing with, I suppose you could give them vague financial details as the reason you no longer need a paying job. "We've been saving/investing a good percentage of our income for XX years and now have a few million dollars put away." "And our annual income should be close to $100k per year without ever having a paying job again!" That should quiet them down a bit...

That will almost certainly lead to "you're so selfish...why don't you spread that around a bit?"

[HtownRose]

If the questioner has any pet causes I might be tempted to incorporate them into my response just to annoy them further.

Into rescuing strays? "I want to give my cat her best life by being home to cater to her every wish at all hours of the day & night."

Into climate change? "I'm reducing my carbon footprint by not commuting to work."

Social justice? "I wouldn't feel right taking a job a person who is from an historically oppressed community might want."

[audreyh1]

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Originally Posted by reneeh63 Just FYI, though it has a lot of great ratings on Amazon, most of the 3* and lower ones mention that there is a lot of scripture quoted and it has a strong religious bent. So keep that in mind if that's not your cup of tea.

That strikes me as unexpected, because I often saw the Bible used as an excuse to run roughshod over other peoples boundaries. Even denying that personal boundaries might exist.

So I’m actually impressed that a book helping people with their boundaries can actually use scripture. That would indeed be a powerful tool for someone combatting guilt trips or self-sacrifice or other duty demands that stomp all over personal boundaries.

[Out of Steam]

My wife and I retired at 58/60, and only one person ever questioned our decision--one of my colleagues.

[brett]

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Originally Posted by Out of Steam My wife and I retired at 59/60, and only one person ever questioned our decision--one of my colleagues.

Same here. But we do not really care what others think or say about it. Their comments are meaningless to us. If we worried about what every relative or what every Tom, Dick, or Harry had to say about of life decisions we would have worried ourselves into an early grave by now. Life is far too short for that nonsense.

[Out of Steam]

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Originally Posted by brett Same here. But we do not really care what others think or say about it. Their comments are meaningless to us. If we worried about what every relative or what every Tom, Dick, or Harry had to say about of life decisions we would have worried ourselves into an early grave by now. Life is far too short for that nonsense.

True, we knew that our plan was solid, and we were willing to live modestly for the first several years.

[Letj]

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Originally Posted by Amethyst To me, it sounds like his "good mind" was one of his delusions. He was not quite all there; the way he talked to you, and wouldn't leave you alone, tells me that.

And the fact that Oldbidness didn’t recognize that was another delusion, just saying. Personally I won’t give someone in their 80s the cussing out of their life out of respect for their age and empathy. Won’t want anyone cursing out my elderly and annoying mother.

[Major Tom]

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Originally Posted by Walt34 Who says that anyone has to be "productive"? Where did this requirement come from? I worked almost 30 years in law enforcement. As long as someone doesn't bother anyone else, where I come from that's plenty good enough. If he wants he (or she) can stay home, and "waste away in Margaritaville" until they fall off the couch if they are so inclined. I fail to see the harm to anyone else in it, nor why anyone else need concern themselves with it.

I very much agree with this. Our society and communities are composed of a diverse range of personality types. We all contribute in many different ways, and to different degrees. There are some folk whose contribution is a net negative, unfortunately, but somehow, we all soldier on and make it through. There is room for many different types - even for those who wall themselves off and have no interaction with others, though those folk are few, thankfully.

As for me, even though I am a massive introvert, with few close friends by choice, I believe I still contribute. I contribute economically, by paying all my bills, and even buying some stuff I don't need, but enjoy. I help my close friends and family. Although I've exchanged testy words with a few, I have also given time and energy to listen to, and talk with neighbors. Sometimes, a kind word and an understanding ear can go a long way. These sorts of contributions are not economic in nature, but still very valuable.

We all need each other, and we all contribute. For the very few who don't participate at all, there is room for them too.

[EastWest Gal]

Every musician, every theater, every movie or television show, every radio program needs an audience. It’s a contribution.

Being an investor is, on many levels, making a contribution.

Not all contributions are measured in direct income.

[Golden sunsets]

Is it possible that the OP's situation is cultural, rather than generational? Certain cultures expect that elders control their children and grandchildren in their adulthood and even expect to be cared for financially by their offspring when they are old, This cycle continues to be quite prominent even in current times.

Also I wondered if your 2 Ivy degrees were obtained without any parental financial support? I admit that I might be a bit outraged, if I scrimped and slaved for years to pay for my child's 2 degrees from expensive elite universities only to find that they never put all of that hard earned parental financial support to work.

[jollystomper]

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Originally Posted by Golden sunsets Also I wondered if your 2 Ivy degrees were obtained without any parental financial support? I admit that I might be a bit outraged, if I scrimped and slaved for years to pay for my child's 2 degrees from expensive elite universities only to find that they never put all of that hard earned parental financial support to work.

Interesting. Putting that potential to work might have nothing to do with a "big" career. My DW has undergraduate and graduate degrees from an Ivy League school, which her parents mostly paid for. For many years she chose to be a SAHM. Her total lifetime earnings I exceeded in several of my working years. She (and indirectly I) took a lot of flack at the time. But while SAHM she did lots of things (and not just for our kids) that folks now greatly appreciate. The "scorn" she faced from some classmates in our early reunions has changed to admiration in our recent reunions. Her Dad (before he died) and her mother now were/are happy how things turned out.

[Time2]

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Originally Posted by Closet_Gamer That will almost certainly lead to "you're so selfish...why don't you spread that around a bit?"

I don't want to rob you of the joy doing it yourself brings!

[Dash man]

You could tell her “I’m helping another person in this world by not taking a job they need and I don’t.”

[marko]

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Originally Posted by Dash man You could tell her “I’m helping another person in this world by not taking a job they need and I don’t.”

"...I'm supporting bartenders, waitresses, cabana attendants, airplane pilots, hotel staff, beach chair rentals, ski lift attendants... If I went to work everyday, they'd all be out of jobs!"

[Exchme]

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Originally Posted by marko "...I'm supporting bartenders, waitresses, cabana attendants, airplane pilots, hotel staff, beach chair rentals, ski lift attendants... If I went to work everyday, they'd all be out of jobs!"

You're a veritable job factory!

[braumeister]

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Originally Posted by Major Tom We all need each other, and we all contribute.

And let's not forget those of us whose contribution is simply to serve as a bad example.

[Gumby]

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Originally Posted by braumeister And let's not forget those of us whose contribution is simply to serve as a bad example.

I have spent years helping the parents of America raise their children --- "Don't (lick the dog, put your brother in the dryer, jam that pencil up your nose, etc.) Do you want to end up like that Gumby guy?"

[brett]

What is to explain!

Doesn't the statement 'I am retired' tell the whole story?

[ExFlyBoy5]

I can somewhat relate to the OP's conundrum. I retired at 40 and my DW has decided to continue to w*rk. She is keenly aware that there is no reason (financially) for her to w*rk, but she just can't fathom retiring so early (she is 43 years old now) and keeps on at it. I keep my fingers crossed that her BS bucket will fill sooner than later and she will go ahead and join me in the FIREd adventure.

Anyway, initially there was quite a bit push back from her Mom in passive aggressive ways. She never came out and said, "HEY DEADBEAT! GET A JOB" but you could sense her disapproval. Eventually, she came to understand that I had no good reason to work and as long as I "helped out around the house" then all is OK. It's ridiculous, I know...but as others have recommended...in one ear and out the other. As far as the neighbors/friends are concerned? I don't give a flying bleep what they think about my self-unemployment.

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Originally Posted by FIREd I'm fully FIREd at age 46 and I know that my parents don't get it. So what. As long as they don't pay my bills, they have no say in the matter.

As my DW likes to say, "If you aren't feeding me, paying my bills, or fornicating with me...what matter is it to you?"

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Originally Posted by Gumby My mother had many opinions, and she wasn't shy about sharing them with anybody and everybody. I learned early in life to just let them go in one ear and right out the other.

A lot of parents just can't stop being parents. My DW's Mom is like that. As an example, we were visiting them for dinner a few weeks ago and the subject of spending money on house repairs/etc. came up. Instead of actually LISTENING to what we were talking about, she immediately asked, "Do you need some money? I can help you!" We have been crystal clear that was are A-OK financially yet it falls on deaf ears. It is what it is.