Explaining ER to people and looked down

[Music Lover]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Markola I think I must have missed the chapter in the ER manual that details this requirement.

I notice that they neglected to provide the details of their daily life so that we could critique their choices...

[Bigdawg]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Markola I think I must have missed the chapter in the ER manual that details this requirement.

Originally Posted by chassis View Post
To be fair, what will you do with your time and energy to make the world a better place?

Is this a requirement? I'll have to dig up my contract. Thou shalt maketh thy world a place that is better than thy was giveth. Hmmm, when the world gives a flying F*#! about me then I will CARE about the world. BTW, I do plenty to make my world a better place but that is the business of NO ONE but me and my maker. And DW of course. In my opinion there are plenty of people who think that they are making the world a better place. And of course they are not.

[old medic]

Quote:

Originally Posted by street People relate ER people as lazy, a quitter, Lol

I WANNA BE A QUITTER....

[Sue J]

I did not work from 1984 to 2006 when our sons were in college and I needed to complete my SS credits. It's what DH and I both wanted and it worked for us. So I APPLAUD YOU!

As for what other people think about me, I gave that up at around age 30 when I realized that it's healthy for me to know ME and what I valued instead of looking for approval or acceptance from others.

My parents had a policy that when we became adults they would never say, "Why don't you...", or "I think you should..." or "You need to...". If we asked for advice they would give it.

But when it's your Mom saying these things it's hard. Has she felt financially insecure in her life? Is that why she's projecting financial failure on you? I think if I was in this situation I would look her in the eye and tell her, "Mom, we have plenty for retirement and I'm not worried so you don't need to be worried for me. Thank you for being concerned. I am not looking for advice in the matter."

[Aerides]

The issue isn't about how "people" react OP, it's your Mom/family. That's a very specific family dynamic and I'm quite sure she's difficult about other things too.

In general, there is no point explaining with such attitude. There is only avoiding the topic to maintain a relationship, if that's what you want. Learn how to change the subject, how to (graciously) end a phone call or visit when she/they won't, and don't initiate these conversations.

[mystang52]

"We've planned for this for many years, and we're well above financially secure." After saying this, no more replies are needed or worthwhile.

[carnivalday]

You've apparently done well enough to see a good retirement; you dont owe anyone any explanation (except your hub...and if he's happy with your choices, then thats all that matters). As far as a conversation with anyone else, I dont think you'll ever make anyone happy with your answer, no matter how long or short the conversation. So to save yourself aggravation, make it short. A simple "dont worry about me, Im doing just fine" should suffice.

[FANOFJESUS]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Which Roger Jealousy is the most likely reason.

I don't think that is it. He is worth many times what I am. I did retire about 20 years before he did. Maybe that is it.

[W2R]

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Originally Posted by livingalmostlarge So I'm going to start with by saying my mom insulted me yesterday by saying that I need to get off my behind and get a job and not be a lady of leisure.* Maybe not right now with covid but soon I need to get back to working full time.* For sure when the kids are in middle and high school I need to be working full time.* I need a career and stop depending on my DH for income.* I am certainly cannot be doing nothing when they go to college. [...]

Relatives drive people crazy, that's for sure. Believe me, I know first hand. That said, I am a 72-year-old mom and here's my point of view.

If I was your mom, I'd be worried about your future, after I'm gone. If you aren't working, you aren't building up social security or a work history to fall back on in job applications. And if I'm gone, I can't rescue you if you get in a financial pinch! Sure, you're fine NOW but what if you are living in a cardboard box under a bridge in 20 years, cursing my memory for not warning you to prepare for your needs in old age!

My point of view is that she is a "mama bird" trying to take care of her baby bird. It's a mother's nature to worry and cluck. Make sure she has zero real reason to worry about your future, and understand that really all this criticism is about love and concern.

I try really hard not to do this with my daughter! I know she's not a baby any more, but still it's not easy.

[Dtail]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Which Roger Jealousy is the most likely reason.

There you go. Never underestimate this powerful feeling.

[captain3d]

If someone’s observation or criticism affects me it is normally because some part of me agrees.

If I 100% do not agree it has no effect.

[brett]

No issue whatsoever. I think they got the message after we sold our home, put everything in storage for a year, and left the country.

A few may have been surprised or critical but we are not the least bit bothered by what others think.

We certainly did not make an announcement of any kind. Why bother?

[Sojourner]

Quote:

Originally Posted by livingalmostlarge I said nothing to not start a fight not worth fighting.* But the truth is I don't plan on really going back to work full time now, I don't see myself having a "career", and I don't think we need to work that much longer.* We've been hitting a lot of numbers that point to retiring before the kids go to college, but DH wants to work until they are done.* He's not ready and i'm not fighting.**Also we're close to our number at 41 and 43. If we don't save another penny I think we are done at 54 and 55 like we planned 2034. If we do save we'll likely be done sooner.

Question for you, @livingalmostlarge: Why did you put asterisks * between your sentences in the above quoted paragraph?

[Safire]

Quote:

Originally Posted by livingalmostlarge So I'm going to start with by saying my mom insulted me yesterday by saying that I need to get off my behind and get a job and not be a lady of leisure.* Maybe not right now with covid but soon I need to get back to working full time.* For sure when the kids are in middle and high school I need to be working full time.* I need a career and stop depending on my DH for income.* I am certainly cannot be doing nothing when they go to college. I said nothing to not start a fight not worth fighting.* But the truth is I don't plan on really going back to work full time now, I don't see myself having a "career", and I don't think we need to work that much longer.* We've been hitting a lot of numbers that point to retiring before the kids go to college, but DH wants to work until they are done.* He's not ready and i'm not fighting.**Also we're close to our number at 41 and 43. If we don't save another penny I think we are done at 54 and 55 like we planned 2034. If we do save we'll likely be done sooner. But how do you tell people (mostly family) that you don't need to work and are done? My mom and that generation (my aunts and uncles are like 65-75 and still working) because it is their identity.* They have no identity except working.* And they view people who retire as lazy and unmotivated and I was also told I wasted my education by not working now and I don't have a career. She can't wrap her head around me not being career driven, climbing the ladder and I really need to be going back and getting on the ladder.* What is my problem?* That's another argument not worth having.* But seriously I don't want to do it and I like what I do working part-time usually. But it's not a career per se it's just work. I don't particularly care. My DH loves his career and he switched later in life and he constantly doesn't want to stop. If we end up with more than expected sooner would he stop? I don't know. He's classic OMY. But how do you explain maybe not to strangers but certainly to family why you aren't working? My family gives me a lot of grief for not working. They are like you should be working. Why aren't you going out and making bacon? I don't even touch what we have saved or how it's going. But it's obvious that we are fine. We don't take a penny from anyone and never have. I feel like family put their nose where it doesn't belong versus strangers probably are reticent at questioning how you are RE. I also feel more people get being "stay at home parent" so it's a free pass about not working. But for my family? They don't get why I don't work and how will we ever retire?

I would just look her in the eye and say firmly but kindly, "Mom, I love you, but my life choices are none of your business."

It WILL start a fight esp if she's not used to you being assertive before, but if you don't enforce boundaries, it won't stop EVER.

I recommend the book, "Boundaries", by Henry Cloud. You may benefit immensely from it. Good luck!

[pacergal]

Perhaps just being honest--"I am working part time and staying at home to be here while our kids grow up. I appreciate your concern, we are doing fine financially."
That is even more explanation than anyone needs really, but it is your Mom.
If it continues, either ignore, change the subject, or perhaps asking "I wonder why you are asking me that?" may even get her to recognize how invasive her line of questioning is.
Good Luck--it is your life and choices are up to you and DH, nobody else's business!

[Safire]

Quote:

Originally Posted by W2R Relatives drive people crazy, that's for sure. Believe me, I know first hand. That said, I am a 72-year-old mom and here's my point of view. If I was your mom, I'd be worried about your future, after I'm gone. If you aren't working, you aren't building up social security or a work history to fall back on in job applications. And if I'm gone, I can't rescue you if you get in a financial pinch! Sure, you're fine NOW but what if you are living in a cardboard box under a bridge in 20 years, cursing my memory for not warning you to prepare for your needs in old age! My point of view is that she is a "mama bird" trying to take care of her baby bird. It's a mother's nature to worry and cluck. Make sure she has zero real reason to worry about your future, and understand that really all this criticism is about love and concern. I try really hard not to do this with my daughter! I know she's not a baby any more, but still it's not easy.

Sorry, but clicking & fussing & being "concerned" are NO excuses to disrespect & abuse anyone of being "lazy, unmotivated & individuals of leisure".

I grew up with abusive, controlling parents & the OP's post raises some very deep red flags here, and her mother's choice of words indicate a lack of respect for BOTH personal boundaries & OP as a grown woman who has the right to make her choices.

If the mother has genuine concerns, there's a kinder & more respectful way to have that discussion.

There's a STRONG line separating constructive criticism from toxic boundary busting behavior and the mother here is engaging in the latter, not the former.

[gayl]

Quote:

Originally Posted by livingalmostlarge So I'm going to start with by saying my mom insulted me yesterday by saying that I need to get off my behind and get a job and not be a lady of leisure. ...... .... can't wrap her head around me not being career driven, climbing the ladder and I really need to be going back and getting on the ladder. ... family put their nose where it doesn't belong ... They don't get why I don't work and how will we ever retire?

OMG I could have written a variation of this!!

My sister retired 2 weeks ago because she really just didn't want to work until 8 o'clock at night anymore. This sister has a pension of $5000 month and spends less than that so she could afford to retire. But her son has been giving her really bad time asking 'when is she going to do something' type questions. I told her she's financially secured and can spend her time doing something she wants to instead of something she has to.

At a certain point we have more than enough monthly income, more than enough assets, and all the stuff we want to. I say the last part because she spent the 1st week bagging up 6 trash bags full of fairly new business clothes and dropping them off at wardrobe for opportunity.

I just wish some people would keep their opinions to themselves. Chasing that last dollar when we have more than enough dollars in the bank is not important to everybody. For some of us it's more important to enjoy our lives

[Amethyst]

Are they really worried about your not working, or do they just noodge about everything?

In other words, suppose you went out and got a hot-shot full-time job. Would they move on to criticizing something else?

Because sometimes, I've found, you cannot win with certain people. It's about them, not you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by livingalmostlarge So I'm going to start with by saying my mom insulted me yesterday by saying that I need to get off my behind and get a job and not be a lady of leisure.* Maybe not right now with covid but soon I need to get back to working full time.* For sure when the kids are in middle and high school I need to be working full time.* I need a career and stop depending on my DH for income.* I am certainly cannot be doing nothing when they go to college. I said nothing to not start a fight not worth fighting.* But the truth is I don't plan on really going back to work full time now, I don't see myself having a "career", and I don't think we need to work that much longer.* We've been hitting a lot of numbers that point to retiring before the kids go to college, but DH wants to work until they are done.* He's not ready and i'm not fighting.**Also we're close to our number at 41 and 43. If we don't save another penny I think we are done at 54 and 55 like we planned 2034. If we do save we'll likely be done sooner. But how do you tell people (mostly family) that you don't need to work and are done? My mom and that generation (my aunts and uncles are like 65-75 and still working) because it is their identity.* They have no identity except working.* And they view people who retire as lazy and unmotivated and I was also told I wasted my education by not working now and I don't have a career. She can't wrap her head around me not being career driven, climbing the ladder and I really need to be going back and getting on the ladder.* What is my problem?* That's another argument not worth having.* But seriously I don't want to do it and I like what I do working part-time usually. But it's not a career per se it's just work. I don't particularly care. My DH loves his career and he switched later in life and he constantly doesn't want to stop. If we end up with more than expected sooner would he stop? I don't know. He's classic OMY. But how do you explain maybe not to strangers but certainly to family why you aren't working? My family gives me a lot of grief for not working. They are like you should be working. Why aren't you going out and making bacon? I don't even touch what we have saved or how it's going. But it's obvious that we are fine. We don't take a penny from anyone and never have. I feel like family put their nose where it doesn't belong versus strangers probably are reticent at questioning how you are RE. I also feel more people get being "stay at home parent" so it's a free pass about not working. But for my family? They don't get why I don't work and how will we ever retire?

[brett]

We did not spend 30 seconds worrying about what some people might have thought about our early retirement decision.

Besides, what is there to explain? It was self explanatory....we had the desire and the financial resources to stop working and move into a different phase of our lives. End of.

What is the point....we cannot control someone else's thoughts or opinions. It is down to us whether we choose to allow someone else's opinion to bother us

Nor are we inclined to attempt to change them. It is a pointless exercise. We simply moved forward with our plans.

[TheWizard]

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Originally Posted by Rocky mtn high My father the same. 88 years old and gives me crap every time I talk to him even though I am 64 now. My brother starting taking SSI at 62 and my father said he’s on welfare now! Good grief.

Well, Supplemental Security Income actually IS welfare...