How much detail to share with (young) adult children?

[haha]

Quote:

Originally Posted by skipro33 My elderly father moved in with us recently and has Alzheimers. My sons both told DW and I to not plan on either of us ever moving in with them. Now, I love these boys, their families and they have done well for themselves with one being a dean at a university and has a doctorate and the other who is well placed in a cable sports network, but if they have expressed that they are not interested in being there for us, then they have zero need to know how much we have. And if either ever asks for a dime, I'll let them know we are needing everything we have saved in order to never be the burden on them that they think my dad is for us. In other words, I'm saying that you better really know your kids. If you EVER are in a situation where financial responsibility is handed off to your progeny, what you imagine your kids would do may just be that; imagination and not reality. I have a trust fund and I spoke to my estate planner to set up all the arrangements so that our money will be used to take care of us if we can't make financial decisions any more. Money ruins more relationships than everything else combined. I'm not going to let that happen with our family by spelling out what I'm worth. All I'll tell 'em is that I'll have enough to be financially independent so they don't need to worry about taking care of us. They know how to contact the estate planning attorney if and when they need to.

You and your missus are better people than your sons. I guess genes can only do so much; the social milieu unfortunately counts a for a lot.'

Ha

[CaptTom]

My own parents gave all 4 of their kids copies of their wills, some basic information about accounts, and gave POA to one child (the nearest, not the oldest.) Her name is also on some accounts and their home.

We never expected (or wanted) any inheritance. Frankly, I've been less than impressed with the moral character of many people I know who have inherited (or expected to inherit) large sums. I have a lot of respect those who have EARNED it, and even more for those who have managed to raise well-grounded children in spite of it.

I suspect what I just wrote would come across as nonsense to those who most need to hear it. Let's just say I'm glad I never had any large sums handed to me.

[Teacher Terry]

Skip, I am sorry to hear about your DAd. Most with the disease eventually end up in a home because they tend to sleep during the day and wander at night, eventually need to be fed and wear diapers. Most also get paranoid and tend to start hiding items in the house often wrapping them in kleenex first. I have first hand experience with this type of thing. My friend got so bad that her husband literally had to lock up the car keys in the safe or he couldn't find them. It also gets to the point where they are too afraid to go out but you can't leave them home alone. They will try to jump out of moving cars, etc. It is a rough road for everyone involved. I also helped my Mom care for my Dad for 14 years until he needed a home. When he died we were all just exhausted and relieved. It took many years for us to miss the man he was before.

[PatrickA5]

We have not provided any financial information to our 3 kids (ages 19, 25, 31). I'm sure they are aware that we have a decent amount of money, but they never say anything about it.

I've almost completed my "Get it Together" book which has every piece of financial information possible - all the way down to the magazine subscriptions. I plan on letting my middle daughter (Executor) know of the books existence, but don't plan on letting her read it for quite some time. I can see us starting to give out information when we're in our 70's (59 now).

[skipro33]

Quote:

Originally Posted by haha You and your missus are better people than your sons. I guess genes can only do so much; the social milieu unfortunately counts a for a lot.' Ha

I don't think of it as better people, but I do think of it as a different mind-set for their generation. We are quickly passing from a time when family took care of family. It's a lot more lip service now. When the push comes to shove, it becomes rationalized; that Dad wanted us to enjoy our lives and would not want us to miss out or let him become a burden to the family. And there is truth in that. I don't want to be a burden on my family but at the same time I find it a privilege to care for my own father. Isn't it usually the case that what we think we don't want is more likely exactly what we need and even end up preferring? Caring for my Dad, I've learned a lot about patience, how to care and understanding of the plight facing us all if we are fortunate to live long enough that we experience it for ourselves.
My kids are generous. Both have adopted kids into their families. Both have loving relationships with their spouses and take the best of care of my grand kids. Both are honest enough to tell me to not count on living with them some day or their mother either. I'm glad I know that before I gave away the bulk of my wealth to them and the grand kids early, thinking they would see to me if/when the day ever comes. We can fund our own lives, DW and I.
I do recommend that anyone contemplating the sharing of their financial situation with their kids know exactly what their intentions would be regarding that information.

[Teacher Terry]

I would never burden my kids with having to care for me. Initially it feels good to care for one's parents but if the need becomes 24-7 and goes on for a decade or more it gets really old.

[skipro33]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Teacher Terry Skip, I am sorry to hear about your DAd. Most with the disease eventually end up in a home because they tend to sleep during the day and wander at night, eventually need to be fed and wear diapers. Most also get paranoid and tend to start hiding items in the house often wrapping them in kleenex first. I have first hand experience with this type of thing. My friend got so bad that her husband literally had to lock up the car keys in the safe or he couldn't find them. It also gets to the point where they are too afraid to go out but you can't leave them home alone. They will try to jump out of moving cars, etc. It is a rough road for everyone involved. I also helped my Mom care for my Dad for 14 years until he needed a home. When he died we were all just exhausted and relieved. It took many years for us to miss the man he was before.

Thanks for this reply. My dad does sleep a lot, forgets a lot, (yesterday I asked him how he liked all the Christmas Day hub-bub with all the great grand kids and he told me he didn't remember any of it.), needs help with feeding, toilet, bathing. I just don't see how any place else is going to do as well with him as I am able to give him. I imagine that he'll have to go to a facility within the year. My hope is that he won't realize it, or worse, think I dumped him.

[skipro33]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Teacher Terry I would never burden my kids with having to care for me. Initially it feels good to care for one's parents but if the need becomes 24-7 and goes on for a decade or more it gets really old.

I think we are on the same page, but not wanting to be a burden and being told flat out that you are not welcome are two different things.

I'm hoping folks discuss this with their kids before divulging their financial worth, so that they'll know if they are being welcomed or their money.

[gayl]

I guess I don't tell them anything. Or at any rate they don't know anything. I paid half the down payment on each one of their homes so that they could both live in Clayton as they wanted to stay here and it tends to be pricey.

Yesterday the power went out of my house. I wasn't too sure why so I told my son I'm calling an electrician to try to figure it out. He told me that's too expensive and ran over to look at it. He replaced a few of the circuit breakers, told me I needed to be a little more careful with my money so that I don't run out, but that he always has my back if I ever needed to borrow any money from him. I kept a straight face the entire time.

[iloveyoga]

The son who is our executor know about things in general. Not the amounts. Everything is documented and will be easy to find as needed. This thread has helped to confirm how we are handling. I thought about sharing amounts but I don't think that is necessary at this time.

[Sunset]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Greencheese If they understand the basic concepts of FIRE and the 4% rule it wouldn't be that difficult to walk backwards to a rough estimate number...

That would of course assuming it is 4% and not 1%, or as some folks do make it 6% while waiting for SS, then cut it down to a very small percentage.

Plus as others have said, it's hard to know how much is spent or donated.

[nativenewenglander]

My dad died recently and until he passed I really had no idea what he had for finances. I only knew he and my mother were comfortable in their life. Perhaps that was to make sure my sibling and I saved our own money for retirement.

[nativenewenglander]

Quote:

Originally Posted by skipro33 My elderly father moved in with us recently and has Alzheimers. My sons both told DW and I to not plan on either of us ever moving in with them. Now, I love these boys, their families and they have done well for themselves with one being a dean at a university and has a doctorate and the other who is well placed in a cable sports network, but if they have expressed that they are not interested in being there for us, then they have zero need to know how much we have. And if either ever asks for a dime, I'll let them know we are needing everything we have saved in order to never be the burden on them that they think my dad is for us. In other words, I'm saying that you better really know your kids. If you EVER are in a situation where financial responsibility is handed off to your progeny, what you imagine your kids would do may just be that; imagination and not reality. I have a trust fund and I spoke to my estate planner to set up all the arrangements so that our money will be used to take care of us if we can't make financial decisions any more. Money ruins more relationships than everything else combined. I'm not going to let that happen with our family by spelling out what I'm worth. All I'll tell 'em is that I'll have enough to be financially independent so they don't need to worry about taking care of us. They know how to contact the estate planning attorney if and when they need to.

That's a pretty harsh thing for your sons to say, when my dad got sick and needed to be cared for my sibling and I stepped in and took care of him largely sharing him. It was a really nice experience for us and I learned much about him I never knew. My bet is your kids will step up to help you when the time comes. I don't have kids, so I already know we're on our own for eldercare.

[ugeauxgirl]

My husband and I were talking about how much to disclose to our kids- his vote was "nothing" mine was "some" and the unthinkable happened- our 11 year old son overheard our net worth from another room. We had no choice but to tell him about our finances- explain what the money was for (to retire early) how we had accumulated it (living beneath our means) etc.

We were terrified that he would use the information irresponsibly, but we have had some amazing discussions about money. We did also explain though-that it was OUR money and not theirs. I also helpfully pointed out that my granddad just passed away at 93 leaving my dad an inheritance at age 72, so if they wanted to enjoy spending it while they were young, they should get a job...

We've had extensive discussions about college- what we will pay for and what we will not. They recently told us about an outrageously expensive gaming system. They didn't ask for one and told us only "spoiled kids" had those- LOL.

Neither of us would have told them so much if we'd had a choice but it turned out to be a good thing. We've had discussions about debt, saving, taxes, why we spend our money on the things we do, etc.

[travelover]

Quote:

Originally Posted by nativenewenglander "............Perhaps that was to make sure my sibling and I saved our own money for retirement.

That is my thinking. I tell our step daughter -only heir - that we have enough to take us through our lives and if that is not too expensive, she might get an inheritance, but not to count on it.