How much help for young adult children?

[MrsHaloFIRE]

I agree that it widely varies by child. But the anecdotes from the bank where I worked will always haunt me for the adult children that the bank was responsible for using money held in trust to pay their (huge) liquor and pharmaceutical bills. That's a gift your child doesn't need. An all you can drink expense account that you just tell the liquor store to add to your tab and then store bills the bank. No no no. Mistakes were made.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DFW_M5 I don't think there is any rule of thumb on what one should do for their kids or not. Everyone circumstance is different as are their views on this subject. Therefore, I would not let someone else's decision influence me one way or the other with respect to how I treat my kids in terms of gifting.

[MrsHaloFIRE]

Military wife here shocked you are paying these expenses. Clearly a choice you can make but gosh. Either barracks or housing allowance. Free medical and dental coverage including glasses or refractive surgery if needed. All the expenses DS should have are groceries, personal clothing, cell, car and insurance. If living in barracks 90pct meals are included via allowance for subsistence paid to dining facility. Its an interesting choice to bankroll routine living expenses for an independent employed adult that gets paid twice a month. If enlisted he even gets a clothing allowance for uniforms (annually). He must have a great deal of extra spending money with him only prob paying for car and cable. And half of IRA.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sniggle I am just at the start of this, and it is somewhat easy for me at present as my DS is in the military. - Match his contribution to a Roth IRA - Pay his car insurance, as long as he does not get a ticket - Pay his phone - Include him on vacations, once that becomes a thing again We have already told him that if he decides to go to college after the military, between the GI bill and us he will have a free ride.

[timbervest]

Happy week -- both DD and DS got new jobs at higher comp. DD into a new career in a field she loves and out of a dead end job and DS to a better position with a bigger and more successful company in his field. Both did it on their own and are well on their way to "adulting"

[Joylush]

Quote:

Originally Posted by timbervest Happy week -- both DD and DS got new jobs at higher comp. DD into a new career in a field she loves and out of a dead end job and DS to a better position with a bigger and more successful company in his field. Both did it on their own and are well on their way to "adulting"

That’s wonderful! Both of mine are unhappy in their jobs and I told them to start actively looking for a change because if you can’t land something better in this market you’re not trying very hard.

[Koolau]

Quote:

Originally Posted by timbervest Happy week -- both DD and DS got new jobs at higher comp. DD into a new career in a field she loves and out of a dead end job and DS to a better position with a bigger and more successful company in his field. Both did it on their own and are well on their way to "adulting"

It's wonderful when our kids show their independence and reach for what they want. We're very proud of our kids for being what they want to be and earning enough to make it in this life. Much of our efforts as parents went into urging the kids to be independent. It seems to be paying off.

[Lawrencewendall]

Long story:

DS1 (36) is struggling. He did 6 years in the Army (1 tour in Iraq and another in Afghanistan) and got out due to medical issues. Used his GI Bill and got an Associates as an Automotive Tech. As a "Newbie", He was doing commission work, given warranty work which didn't pay enough to pay his bills. Moved to another automotive shop but the physical labor aggravated his Army injury (changing tires with a bad back).

He used the remainder of his GI bill to get a BS in IT Administration. With the Covid lockdowns, he has been unable to land a job in that field. Part of that I think is his poor resume and he doesn't really interview well. I tweaked his resume but he doesn't listen. On one of his interviews, right off the bat, he said he was planning on moving out of state (not wise if you ask me).

He only went into IT because he saw DS1 (32) get the exact same degree and is now pulling 6 figures. DS2 doesn't have the passion for IT like DS1 does.

DS2 did pizza delivery for awhile while he was going through his BS. It was about the only job flexible enough to allow him to finish his degree.

I periodically have been helping him out but now I think it's more of a spending issue than an earning issue. Just did his taxes last night. Before taxes, his 2021 earnings, filing single, was 36k. This is not counting his untaxed 15k VA disability and 6k rent from a roommate. His GF lives with him but hardly contributes to the bills even though she works full time. DS2 is footing the bill for the automotive costs of his vehicle she uses on a daily basis.

His financial situation has really been affecting his mental state of mind. He is frustrated that he can't find a job in his field and he REALLY resents asking me for help. He just had his first appointment with mental health to address his frustration/anger issues.

DS2 is very similar to DW as they never met a sales pitch they didn't like :-(. He put a new roof on his house (financed), new windows (financed), 2 vehicles (never kept a car more than 3 years before trading it in for a newer one) and has 2 motorcycles (which he can't ride due to his Army injuries).

I hate seeing him anguish over finances but I have to wonder if I'm assisting him (which I can do) or just enabling bad financial/lifestyle decisions.

Thanks for any input, dealing with this.

[Dash man]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lawrencewendall Long story: DS1 (36) is struggling. He did 6 years in the Army (1 tour in Iraq and another in Afghanistan) and got out due to medical issues. Used his GI Bill and got an Associates as an Automotive Tech. As a "Newbie", He was doing commission work, given warranty work which didn't pay enough to pay his bills. Moved to another automotive shop but the physical labor aggravated his Army injury (changing tires with a bad back). He used the remainder of his GI bill to get a BS in IT Administration. With the Covid lockdowns, he has been unable to land a job in that field. Part of that I think is his poor resume and he doesn't really interview well. I tweaked his resume but he doesn't listen. On one of his interviews, right off the bat, he said he was planning on moving out of state (not wise if you ask me). He only went into IT because he saw DS1 (32) get the exact same degree and is now pulling 6 figures. DS2 doesn't have the passion for IT like DS1 does. DS2 did pizza delivery for awhile while he was going through his BS. It was about the only job flexible enough to allow him to finish his degree. I periodically have been helping him out but now I think it's more of a spending issue than an earning issue. Just did his taxes last night. Before taxes, his 2021 earnings, filing single, was 36k. This is not counting his untaxed 15k VA disability and 6k rent from a roommate. His GF lives with him but hardly contributes to the bills even though she works full time. DS2 is footing the bill for the automotive costs of his vehicle she uses on a daily basis. His financial situation has really been affecting his mental state of mind. He is frustrated that he can't find a job in his field and he REALLY resents asking me for help. He just had his first appointment with mental health to address his frustration/anger issues. DS2 is very similar to DW as they never met a sales pitch they didn't like :-(. He put a new roof on his house (financed), new windows (financed), 2 vehicles (never kept a car more than 3 years before trading it in for a newer one) and has 2 motorcycles (which he can't ride due to his Army injuries). I hate seeing him anguish over finances but I have to wonder if I'm assisting him (which I can do) or just enabling bad financial/lifestyle decisions. Thanks for any input, dealing with this.

That’s a tough one. I feel your pain as we’re helping our 39yo son and his wife with their struggles. Different situations but still needing help. We’ve resigned ourselves to continue helping them and are looking at it as sharing their inheritance early. We now have grandkids in the picture and he’s a stay at home dad with twins. So any thoughts of cutting off help went away when they came into the picture. We’re blessed and willing to help them.
I can’t offer any advice because I’m sure you love him, and if he won’t listen or ask for help, I wouldn’t know how to handle it.

[RetiredAt49]

I grew up on a farm, worked my butt off as a young kid, parents gave me nothing nor did I expect it. I put myself through college and accumulated some student loans. Paid them off during first few years of my career.

Today’s generation (for the most part) is entitled and lazy. I told my kids I’d pay for college based on sliding scale tied to their grades but they have to pay their first semester.

Would it have been nice to get a little help sometimes when I was young? Yes, but I learned the value of hard work and saving for raining days.

Will I help an adult kid if they hit an unexpected roadblock in life? Yes, but as long as their roadblock couldn’t have been avoided by lessons I taught them.

[Paulz]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lawrencewendall Long story: DS1 (36) is struggling. He used the remainder of his GI bill to get a BS in IT Administration. With the Covid lockdowns, he has been unable to land a job in that field. Part of that I think is his poor resume and he doesn't really interview well. I tweaked his resume but he doesn't listen. On one of his interviews, right off the bat, he said he was planning on moving out of state (not wise if you ask me). He only went into IT because he saw DS1 (32) get the exact same degree and is now pulling 6 figures. DS2 doesn't have the passion for IT like DS1 does. DS2 did pizza delivery for awhile while he was going through his BS. It was about the only job flexible enough to allow him to finish his degree. I periodically have been helping him out but now I think it's more of a spending issue than an earning issue. Just did his taxes last night. Before taxes, his 2021 earnings, filing single, was 36k. This is not counting his untaxed 15k VA disability and 6k rent from a roommate. His GF lives with him but hardly contributes to the bills even though she works full time. DS2 is footing the bill for the automotive costs of his vehicle she uses on a daily basis. His financial situation has really been affecting his mental state of mind. He is frustrated that he can't find a job in his field and he REALLY resents asking me for help. He just had his first appointment with mental health to address his frustration/anger issues. DS2 is very similar to DW as they never met a sales pitch they didn't like :-(. He put a new roof on his house (financed), new windows (financed), 2 vehicles (never kept a car more than 3 years before trading it in for a newer one) and has 2 motorcycles (which he can't ride due to his Army injuries). I hate seeing him anguish over finances but I have to wonder if I'm assisting him (which I can do) or just enabling bad financial/lifestyle decisions. Thanks for any input, dealing with this.

I work in IT and am a hiring manager (also a disabled vet). I can tell you that while the degree in IT checks a box, we really like to see some experience in the IT field. I'm not sure where he lives, but there are tons of jobs in IT, especially in the entry level such as help desk, etc. COVID did not stop IT hiring at all, in fact, it probably picked up since almost everyone else went remote! The poor interviewing skills isn't a deal breaker in and of itself, but a poor resume with spotty career experience and no IT experience is a tough hill to climb....especially when moving out of state is mentioned. That would just tick me off for wasting my time! If not passionate about IT, thats going to show! Typically there is outside work stuff one is involved with (IT certifications, programs he designed or coding he has done, etc.). One also has to wonder why DS1 isn't the one giving DS2 advice. He works in the IT field yet has no recommendations and appears unwilling to recommend his brother for a position? That seems significant.

Since both DS1 and DS2 are in their 30s, I'd say its time to take a step back. If you never mentioned their age I would guess them both to be in their early\mid 20s based on their financial maturity. You've helped them, but at some point they are going to have to take ownership of their finances. DS2's girlfriend has it made....free rent and a car? I don't mean to be crass, but is the sex really that good?

You also mentioned that "you did his taxes last night." Hopefully you meant to say you two worked through it together. If not, your his free tax preparer.

If I was in your shoes I'd tell them both you are taking a step back. You are available to them if they would like your opinion or advice, but you feel you are enabling their financial dependence. I'd make sure they understand or have the financial understanding/tools such as budgeting, retirement saving, etc.

[iloveyoga]

I don't have any great advice and we have two 40 something sons who are polar opposites. In our situation, giving money did not help any more than temporarily and also put off some inevitable things that needed to happen. I guess one piece of advice...don't help anyone get into a house that they can't afford on their own long term.

Like many on here, my folks did not help with $$ at all and were only mildly curious about our major decisions. They loved and supported us but it was our life to live and our mistakes to make.

[athena53]

Quote:

Originally Posted by bclover So I'm not going to be a hypocrite, my parents helped me out financially for many things and I did not turn into some entitled jerk, lol without any ambition. so I guess one has to know their own kids.

Thank you. I see posts from or hear statements from people who imply that you MUST make your kids pay for their own college so they'll value it more. My parents paid for all 5 of us (state universities, 1970s, so much cheaper) and between us we have 2 advanced degrees, 4 respected professional certifications and 5 successful, productive careers. The next generation seems to be going in the same direction- decent academic records, good careers. I was blessed to be able to put DS through college although my Ex's sister and her husband contributed half- not requested but most appreciated. He had enough left over from what they provided to make a down payment on his first house in a LCOL area.

I retired almost 7 years ago and am getting even more comfortable with my situation as the years pass. DS asked for $7-$10,000 when they needed a bigger house (2 kids, another born 7 months after the move) and I just gifted them $10K. It was the first time he/they ever asked for any money.
Now I'm wondering about how confiscatory estate taxes will get and just gifted them $15K last year for no reason at all. Will probably continue that. I'm also putting money in 529 accounts.

As others have said- you don't jeopardize your own retirement. I'm also careful about not handing over so much that it takes away their independence or trying to dictate what they should do with the money.

We moved out of NJ to the KC area when DS started college and I changed jobs. I have no idea what I'd do if he had had to try and buy in NNJ. Even with a 20% down payment he wouldn't have been able to afford the mortgage and property taxes.

[Lawrencewendall]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Paulz I work in IT and am a hiring manager (also a disabled vet). I can tell you that while the degree in IT checks a box, we really like to see some experience in the IT field. I'm not sure where he lives, but there are tons of jobs in IT, especially in the entry level such as help desk, etc. COVID did not stop IT hiring at all, in fact, it probably picked up since almost everyone else went remote! The poor interviewing skills isn't a deal breaker in and of itself, but a poor resume with spotty career experience and no IT experience is a tough hill to climb....especially when moving out of state is mentioned. That would just tick me off for wasting my time! If not passionate about IT, thats going to show! Typically there is outside work stuff one is involved with (IT certifications, programs he designed or coding he has done, etc.). One also has to wonder why DS1 isn't the one giving DS2 advice. He works in the IT field yet has no recommendations and appears unwilling to recommend his brother for a position? That seems significant. Since both DS1 and DS2 are in their 30s, I'd say its time to take a step back. If you never mentioned their age I would guess them both to be in their early\mid 20s based on their financial maturity. You've helped them, but at some point they are going to have to take ownership of their finances. DS2's girlfriend has it made....free rent and a car? I don't mean to be crass, but is the sex really that good? You also mentioned that "you did his taxes last night." Hopefully you meant to say you two worked through it together. If not, your his free tax preparer. If I was in your shoes I'd tell them both you are taking a step back. You are available to them if they would like your opinion or advice, but you feel you are enabling their financial dependence. I'd make sure they understand or have the financial understanding/tools such as budgeting, retirement saving, etc.

Thanks for the reply. One of DS2's frustrations is that he can't get experience unless he gets hired. No hiring, no experience. Also he is seeing positions requiring 10 years experience at minimum wage with a TS clearance (we're in the DC/Baltimore area). Think 3 letter agencies.

DS1 got DS2 the interview where he said he was moving out of state. DS1 regrets arranging the interview. DS2 is open to entry level positions but he can't seem to find them.

[Lawrencewendall]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Paulz I work in IT and am a hiring manager (also a disabled vet). I can tell you that while the degree in IT checks a box, we really like to see some experience in the IT field. I'm not sure where he lives, but there are tons of jobs in IT, especially in the entry level such as help desk, etc. COVID did not stop IT hiring at all, in fact, it probably picked up since almost everyone else went remote! The poor interviewing skills isn't a deal breaker in and of itself, but a poor resume with spotty career experience and no IT experience is a tough hill to climb....especially when moving out of state is mentioned. That would just tick me off for wasting my time! If not passionate about IT, thats going to show! Typically there is outside work stuff one is involved with (IT certifications, programs he designed or coding he has done, etc.). One also has to wonder why DS1 isn't the one giving DS2 advice. He works in the IT field yet has no recommendations and appears unwilling to recommend his brother for a position? That seems significant. Since both DS1 and DS2 are in their 30s, I'd say its time to take a step back. If you never mentioned their age I would guess them both to be in their early\mid 20s based on their financial maturity. You've helped them, but at some point they are going to have to take ownership of their finances. DS2's girlfriend has it made....free rent and a car? I don't mean to be crass, but is the sex really that good? You also mentioned that "you did his taxes last night." Hopefully you meant to say you two worked through it together. If not, your his free tax preparer. If I was in your shoes I'd tell them both you are taking a step back. You are available to them if they would like your opinion or advice, but you feel you are enabling their financial dependence. I'd make sure they understand or have the financial understanding/tools such as budgeting, retirement saving, etc.

PM sent.

As far as taxes go, I just input his W-2s into the tax software I already bought and sent him a PDF of the results. Easy peasy.

[MRG]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lawrencewendall Thanks for the reply. One of DS2's frustrations is that he can't get experience unless he gets hired. No hiring, no experience. Also he is seeing positions requiring 10 years experience at minimum wage with a TS clearance (we're in the DC/Baltimore area). Think 3 letter agencies. DS1 got DS2 the interview where he said he was moving out of state. DS1 regrets arranging the interview. DS2 is open to entry level positions but he can't seem to find them.

I'm also a retired hiring manager who was in a small division a large Megacorp that outsourced other businesses IT. He needs to think small like help desk in a smaller company; no TS no fortune 500 for now.

Your comment about his frustration and starting counseling shouldn't be overlooked. He will need to get to the bottom that to be successful longer term.

[Lawrencewendall]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MRG I'm also a retired hiring manager who was in a small division a large Megacorp that outsourced other businesses IT. He needs to think small like help desk in a smaller company; no TS no fortune 500 for now. Your comment about his frustration and starting counseling shouldn't be overlooked. He will need to get to the bottom that to be successful longer term.

PM sent.

[Golden sunsets]

Quote:

Originally Posted by bubbabubba I grew up on a farm, worked my butt off as a young kid, parents gave me nothing nor did I expect it. I put myself through college and accumulated some student loans. Paid them off during first few years of my career. Today’s generation (for the most part) is entitled and lazy. I told my kids I’d pay for college based on sliding scale tied to their grades but they have to pay their first semester. Would it have been nice to get a little help sometimes when I was young? Yes, but I learned the value of hard work and saving for raining days. Will I help an adult kid if they hit an unexpected roadblock in life? Yes, but as long as their roadblock couldn’t have been avoided by lessons I taught them.

Wow. You sure exhibited some hostile tough love in your post. I mean "all kids today are entitled". Come on.

[athena53]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Paulz You also mentioned that "you did his taxes last night." Hopefully you meant to say you two worked through it together. If not, you're his free tax preparer.

Well, when my brother had summer jobs during college, NY state taxes were so convoluted that Dad had his accountant do DB's taxes. DB retired 2 years ago as a tax partner in a very large firm.

I know- different circumstances since DB wasn't on his own, but it brought back memories, especially since DB just sent us all a note on the amount and disposition of our late Dad's remaining funds in his checking account now that probate is completed, the IRS has signed off, etc. DB has done a phenomenal job of getting the paperwork done.

This thread reminded me of one other form of assistance I see a LOT among my contemporaries- unpaid day care for the grandchildren. In one extreme example, the two kids spend one day with Grandma #1, two days with Grandma #2 (who has to drive from South Jersey to North Jersey and stay overnight) and two in paid day care. Another friend was spending every week in a city a couple of hours away from here to take care of her grandson all week, till her own husband was seriously injured and she now has to take care of him. When DS was born, his paternal grandmother was deceased and my Mom lived 12 hours away. Not an option.

I love my grandchildren but they wear me out. I don't know how grandparents take on that fixed obligation- not just occasional fun visits- knowing that if they can't/don't, it will cripple the finances of their adult kids.

[Dreamer]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lawrencewendall Thanks for the reply. One of DS2's frustrations is that he can't get experience unless he gets hired. No hiring, no experience. Also he is seeing positions requiring 10 years experience at minimum wage with a TS clearance (we're in the DC/Baltimore area). Think 3 letter agencies. DS1 got DS2 the interview where he said he was moving out of state. DS1 regrets arranging the interview. DS2 is open to entry level positions but he can't seem to find them.

My DS-in-law was a medic and orthopedic tech in the Navy for 6 years. He also went to Afghanistan. He obtained books to study IT on his own from the military. He also obtained his college degree in this field by doing most of it online. He did an unpaid internship with a museum and was gone a good bit, since he performed his active duty job, stood watch and worked the internship. He was married to my DD and they had a 2 yr old daughter. I worried about how much he was gone. We lived in WV and they were in CA.

Fast forward to today, they now have 3 children and my DD is a SAHM since the pandemic started. He has had several jobs and keeps moving up into better positions. He finally was able to get a working remote job. He supports them extremely well.

Maybe your son could also look for unpaid internships to learn and gain experience.

[daylatedollarshort]

We plan to help our kids with houses but we don't have the kind of money to help with $1.8M homes. Our kids live in California but in places where condos or small homes are $500K or less and we plan to help with those kinds of purchases. I'm not sure how much. Probably at least $50K - $100K each, maybe more. The both have professional jobs and are saving money so I'm not worried about making them dependent on us with one time house help in HCOL locations. For now they seem to like the flexibility of moving around for jobs or maybe more school and don't seem to be in a rush to be home owners.

[daylatedollarshort]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lawrencewendall He used the remainder of his GI bill to get a BS in IT Administration. With the Covid lockdowns, he has been unable to land a job in that field. Part of that I think is his poor resume and he doesn't really interview well. I tweaked his resume but he doesn't listen. On one of his interviews, right off the bat, he said he was planning on moving out of state (not wise if you ask me). He only went into IT because he saw DS1 (32) get the exact same degree and is now pulling 6 figures. DS2 doesn't have the passion for IT like DS1 does.

I went back to school after we had kids to update my tech skills. It was more web work than IT administration, but I did some volunteer work and made my own portfolio for my experience. My first contract I actually beat out a consultant company with salesmen in suits and offices because I actually had a better portfolio of work to present than they did and lower overhead.

I am not sure what kind of portfolio could be done for IT administration, if any, but as previously suggested unpaid volunteer work would be a way to gain references and experience.

Also being an expert in online forums might help. One of our kids' friends became an expert in a certain kind of software and would make posts in forums to help others. It was a kind of software the military used, and he got recruited by them just based on his online presence and expertise.