How things have changed!

[Sue J]

I'm ok with a couple asking for cash. I'd rather give money so that the couple can pick out their own stuff rather than deal with things they may not want or need and have to store.

Last summer DHs nephew got married in a judge's office with just a few days notice to his parents. His bride is from Germany and was in the US for college. When she graduated 9 months later they moved to her hometown in Germany. A few weeks ago they had a big church wedding with all her friends and family.

When they planned the wedding they asked all the US family for our addresses and asked if we planned on coming to the German wedding. No one from the US went except for the groom's parents. It's an expensive trip and gee, they had already been married for a year!

But I did want to send a gift. We got an invitation, all in German, which I translated with Google Translate. A note at the bottom said "Our household is empty, a gift of money would be appreciated". I asked SIL if a personal check or Amazon gift card would be best and she suggested PayPal. I knew how much we wanted to give and PayPal lets you choose another currency so I sent them Euros.

And I got a very nice thank you note just a few days after the wedding!

 

[rocketjockey]

This is an American problem. My wife and large in-law clan were/are Vietnamese war refugees in '75 and still maintain the customs of the old country to some extent. Vietnamese give money for occasions to those a generation younger than you. Weddings/B-Days/Graduations, a lì xì (the little red envelopes) with cash. No dilemma on what or how to give, decided by culture. I like it!

 

[grasshopper]

A shameless plug for my Krup coffee grinder given to us from my DBIL for a wedding present. Just like the marriage worked 37 years everyday, and still going strong.

 

[athena53]

I'd ignore a "virtual shower" that was basically a request for money.

I'm OK with gift and honeymoon registries as long as there's no coercion involved. You want to use your imagination and pick something, fine. I'm frequently unimaginative and go with the registry. I especially like honeymoon registries for couples who are already well-established; travel is a big priority of mine so I like the idea of giving a whale-watching trip on a honeymoon in Hawaii.

I did find it a bit odd that the wedding registry for my nephew and his fiancee included a set of women's golf clubs. The golfers in the family tell me it's not a very good set (Calloway, $310). That's on the Amazon.com registry, which includes surprisingly few items but DOES include Amazon.com gift cards. I'm sure they'll take as many of the latter as they can get.

 

[Amethyst]

But, don't Vietnamese also give parties with food, drink, socializing too, along with the li xi? I think the issue in this thread is more with "send us money, don't bother showing up" than with cash gifts themselves.

This is an American problem. My wife and large in-law clan were/are Vietnamese war refugees in '75 and still maintain the customs of the old country to some extent. Vietnamese give money for occasions to those a generation younger than you. Weddings/B-Days/Graduations, a lì xì (the little red envelopes) with cash. No dilemma on what or how to give, decided by culture. I like it!

 

[Independent]

Gift giving among adults is one of those cultural norms I just find bizarre. It makes sense to give gifts to children or the poor as they cannot buy things themselves. But I have my own money, if there is something I want, I’ll get it. Thus, very nearly 100% of the gifts I receive are things I already own or junk I never wanted.

The relentless materialism of the holidays wears on me. And I feel it cheapens what the festivities should really be about.

+1

 

[Winemaker]

Okay my fellow retirees and wannabe retires!

You are all invited to the official cyber opening of my latest Red Blend from 2016. Bottled today at 2:00pm, it will not be ready for consumption until September 15, 2018, to allow any bottle shock symptoms to subside. Born in spring of 2016, these grapes of Zinfandel, Petit Syrah, Cabernet, Merlot and a touch of Mouvedre, were harvested in CA, crushed and cold soaked on the skins for 3 days. After brought up to 65 degrees, they were promptly inoculated with 3 different yeasts ( in 3 different containers) and had a healthy fermentation. After 8 weeks, they were racked off the lees, and again 4 months later. They were then placed in an American oak barrel and aged until today.

Celebrate this joyful event by sending $5, $10, or $50 to the Wounded Warrior Project, or to a charity of your choice, to celebrate this splendid event! Thank you, ever so much. Since I don't sell my wine to the public, please do not expect a quid pro quo, or any liquid from this pro.

 

[Koogie]

Sooo, how much money does it take to wash a baby ?

 

[gwraigty]

I agree that it's hurtful to be asked for money when you're not even invited to an event.

As for gift-giving though, provided an event is involved, I much prefer to give (and receive) something that is truly desired (within reason).

 

[athena53]

Sooo, how much money does it take to wash a baby ?

WELL.... you need special baby washcloths, baby soap, baby shampoo, wipes for their little bottoms, a container with a heating unit that keeps the wipes warm, baby powder (oops- ovarian cancer risk, never mind), a little hooded towel, preferably one with a cutesy animal face...

And don't forget to turn on the video baby monitor when you put them down for a nap. Ever wonder how our kids survived without all this?

 

[aja8888]

WELL.... you need special baby washcloths, baby soap, baby shampoo, wipes for their little bottoms, a container with a heating unit that keeps the wipes warm, baby powder (oops- ovarian cancer risk, never mind), a little hooded towel, preferably one with a cutesy animal face...

And don't forget to turn on the video baby monitor when you put them down for a nap. Ever wonder how our kids survived without all this?

I don't recall my mother having any of this stuff, except for the baby powder, when she raised my two sisters and I. Of course, that was before Amazon and the internet!

 

[candrew]

I don't recall my mother having any of this stuff, except for the baby powder, when she raised my two sisters and I. Of course, that was before Amazon and the internet!

You had baby powder? We would've loved baby powder on our bottoms.

 

[REWahoo]

You had baby powder? We would've loved baby powder on our bottoms.

"The Four Yorkshiremen" will be along shortly to expand on your lament.

 

[JoeWras]

Do real diapers still exist?

 

[aja8888]

You had baby powder? We would've loved baby powder on our bottoms.

Well, it wasn't REAL baby powder, it was ashes from our coal stove cleanout.

 

[NW-Bound]

You had baby powder? We would've loved baby powder on our bottoms.

"The Four Yorkshiremen" will be along shortly to expand on your lament.

The Four Yorkshiremen did not have no stinkin' baby powder. Their mothers used ash from the fireplace, and sometimes they forgot to let it cool down.

 

[candrew]

Well, it wasn't REAL baby powder, it was ashes from our coal stove cleanout.

At least you had coal and a stove. We had a fire pit dug in the dirt floor.

 

[Lukeee]

What is a check?

Duh

 

[Badger]

The Four Yorkshiremen did not have no stinkin' baby powder. Their mothers used ash from the fireplace, and sometimes they forgot to let it cool down.

 

[NW-Bound]

Well, it wasn't REAL baby powder, it was ashes from our coal stove cleanout.

Just now see your post. Your typing beat mine by 2 minutes. Glad to know we had the same humble upbringing.

 

[Filetmerlot]

Do real diapers still exist?

Yes they do. I still use a bunch of them for garage rags. We used cloth diapers for both kids. It makes for a lot of laundry, but it worked out fine.

 

[Walt34]

Well, it wasn't REAL baby powder, it was ashes from our coal stove cleanout.

Did your Mom strain out the clinkers? Mine didn't.

 

[splitwdw]

I was invited to 2 baby showers for nephews this summer. Both wanted me to just send checks. Didn't. Used to be a luncheon at someone's home with games, small gifts (outfit / diapers / or toy), food. And that was only 21 years ago

Wow, they actually asked for money, that's rude. You can't blame the parents. My parents taught us to send thank you notes and one of my sisters doesn't send them. I don't expect thank you notes but it is nice to receive. One of my sisters gets upset if she doesn't get a thank you and talks about it for months. If I don't mention her thank you note she will ask if I got it.

I don't mind the registries because I have no idea what the wedding couple or soon to be parents need. The registries are supposed to have a mix of low and high end items so everyone can have a choice of items that match their spending. You don't have to buy from the registries.

I asked my grandmother about showers that were given for her back in the 1950's. She said her mother (my great grandmother) and mother in law were appalled. She said they thought it was begging. My mom is a baby boomer and goes to showers but wasn't thrilled when she got her first evite for a virtual shower. She and my aunt weren't thrilled when they started inviting men to the showers. I say make the men go too, why should I have to sit through another boring shower with either a cake made out of towels or diapers. I like virtual showers, I would rather be doing anything than have to go to a shower.

 

[candrew]

Did your Mom strain out the clinkers? Mine didn't.

They didn't strain 'em out for us at the orphanage, either.

 

[athena53]

Gift giving among adults is one of those cultural norms I just find bizarre. It makes sense to give gifts to children or the poor as they cannot buy things themselves. But I have my own money, if there is something I want, I’ll get it. Thus, very nearly 100% of the gifts I receive are things I already own or junk I never wanted.

The relentless materialism of the holidays wears on me. And I feel it cheapens what the festivities should really be about.

Totally agreed- I consider myself very fortunate that my family culture is that adults don't get presents. I've carried that through with DS and I'm sure he and DDIL, who are a one-income family and very responsible with money, don't to scramble to find a gift for me for Christmas and my birthday. I do have a couple of SILs who are otherwise very good women who feel they HAVE to get Dad (and Mom, when she was alive) something for Christmas and occasionally I get roped into a big-ticket group gift. I've also gotten into the habit of getting DS and DDIL a Costco Executive membership every Christmas, but for the kids I mostly take the places and put money into their 529s.


I consider baby and wedding showers a little different, especially if it's the first baby or the couple is just setting up a household together.