How to structure unusual will?

[marko]

A well crafted trust should allow you to 'dictate from the grave'.

My great-great grandfather has been doing so since 1939 and continues to this day!

My own dear nephew who still insists that I 'must have cheated' to attain success will someday find out who got cheated. (harrumph!)

 

[ncbill]

Trust will do it...but in the OP's situation they'll need a 3rd party corporate trustee.

Be aware it's not cheap...figure on losing at least 3% of its annual balance to administration costs.

Any charity the OP leaves the house to will immediately sell it, so the OP might as well direct the house be sold on their death & the proceeds go to the above trust instead.

 

[EastWest Gal]

My suggestion would be to give equal amounts to A and B, as they seem to be on better terms with one another than with you. But give most of it to charity.

I once felt that way about my sister, because she used to fly off the handle at me about everything. It turns out she was jealous of me stemming from high school. My parents preferred my company a lot. But they treated us equally in the end. It helped our relationship immensely. And any grumbling about my sister's still sometimes rude behavior only went on inside my head or with my husband.

Please don't let your animosity toward daughter A continue from the grave. You will never get a chance to apologize for it nor explain yourself.

 

[marko]

As far as forgiveness, personally, I don't think OP could ever distill years of turmoil into a few paragraphs at the start of this thread. There's obviously a lot of water under the bridge that none of us can ever know.

Sometimes the hurt and betrayal just goes too deep. I can't judge.

YMMV

 

[pb4uski]

Obviously, your relationship with A is horrible since you plan to totally cut A out of your will and it sounds like A and B have less toxicity. One thing to consider, if B were to predecease you, what would you do? Assuming that B predeceases you and B has no heirs, what would you want to see happen with your assets? Would you want anything to go to A's children/your grandchildren? Or not and if not then who?

While it gets a bit dicey, you can set up trusts to at least partially accomplish what you want. You might be able to have B be a beneficiary of $x/month and then either the grands or a charity be designated as contingent beneficiaries when B dies.

Another thing to consider is the potential psychological impact on A of her father totally disinheriting her... whether she deserves it or not.

Obviously, once someone receives an inheritance they are free to do whatever they wish with it.

Tough decisions.

 

[GoodbyeYellow]

OP here. Thanks all for your insights and perspectives.

I do not want to, nor can I, explain the causes in ways that satisfy all viewpoints. Of course there are viewpoints, and there are facts. The facts/data support that A has clearly indicated, through repeated action (actually inaction, mixed with some action), that we are to expect nothing from her. However, she has happily accepted things from us, both material and not, in the very recent past (think 2023), while continuing her policy, and it is after many repeats of the same experience that my wife and I have agreed that, if we can expect nothing, then we are obliged for nothing.

It is possible that things could change, but that change will now need to come from the other side, as our repeated and sincere efforts have been met with negative and we can fairly consider them exhausted. But I do want to say it is not A herself that is the real problem. That relationship can be patched (it may take effort, which we have no problem with) if her spouse was not the way he is, so I want to disabuse y'all of the notion that I am so acrimonious toward the fruit of my loins, etc.
That's all I want to say on that matter.

On the house side, I did not think that through very much. I agree that it would need to be sold asap following our passing.

I need to think about all this some more. As noted, there are several new things you all have pointed out, and it is not a decision to be taken quickly or lightly. Once again, thank you all, and further comments are also welcome.

 

[ivinsfan]

You should think about it as you seem angry and anger is never a good position to make serious decisions...it's all very sad from what I am reading.

 

[RetiredHappy]

Just something to consider, daughter A may divorce spouse at some point down the line because of how he is. She may benefit from having some inheritance from you if she is on her own. If you are setting up a trust to disburse funds to daughter B, then maybe you can do the same with daughter A, in the event that she may be on her own years down the line.

 

[ivinsfan]

Just something to consider, daughter A may divorce spouse at some point down the line because of how he is. She may benefit from having some inheritance from you if she is on her own. If you are setting up a trust to disburse funds to daughter B, then maybe you can do the same with daughter A, in the event that she may be on her own years down the line.

The spouse issue is from the point of view of her Father and she might like her spouse just fine....there is obviously more to this story.

 

[RetiredHappy]

The spouse issue is from the point of view of her Father and she might like her spouse just fine....there is obviously more to this story.

But we never know what happens to anyone down the line, do we? I know of this family, a very wealthy father did not approve his biological daughter's choice of spouse. They got married and had a couple of children and were very poor. Father left half his money to his adopted son, and his trust issue a fixed amount for his daughter, not adjusted for inflation. She continued to struggle financially with her family until her death. Upon her death, her half of the inheritiance went to the son's children. Her children wanted to have nothing to do with the cousins because they were extremely bitter with their grandfather's decision to not let them have his money.

 

[SecondCor521]

The facts/data support that A has clearly indicated, through repeated action (actually inaction, mixed with some action), that we are to expect nothing from her. However, she has happily accepted things from us, both material and not, in the very recent past (think 2023), while continuing her policy, and it is after many repeats of the same experience that my wife and I have agreed that, if we can expect nothing, then we are obliged for nothing.

My ex-wife and I brought our three children into this world. We made that decision; they did not. So regardless of what our children do, we are obliged to take care of them and provide for them.

I give to my kids all the time: food, housing, education, recreation, utilities, gifts, money, advice/help/wisdom. I expect nothing in return: zero, nada, zilch. When I die, they'll get whatever money and stuff I have to my name, divided equally between the three of them.

That is what I think the parent/child relationship is: the parent gives, the child receives.

Now that they're adults, occasionally they'll gift me things, and I really appreciate that when it happens. But I don't expect it at all.

Requiring some sort of equality in a relationship sounds more like a business arrangement or perhaps an attempt to create a co-dependent relationship. Because of what I wrote in my first paragraph above, I would never view my relationship with my children that way.

 

[RobbieB]

I have never sought to control anyone but myself. Yeah, self control -

Free will eh? That's what life is all about. Go your own way. Nobody needs an anchor on their ass.

 

[pb4uski]

...That is what I think the parent/child relationship is: the parent gives, the child receives. ...

For a child, I totally agree... but I think with adult children it needs to be less of a one way street. Why should a parent remain loyal to adult children that treat them like crap?

 

[marko]

For a child, I totally agree... but I think with adult children it needs to be less of a one way street. Why should a parent remain loyal to adult children that treat them like crap?

+100. Otherwise, you end up with 35 year olds living at home expecting 70 year old mom to cook dinner and dad to fill the gas tank.

From John D McDonald (Travis McGee):

We need the flawed ones, the lost ones, as a form of emotional and social triangulation, to tell us if we’ve gained an inch since Hammurabi. Rough rough rough on the people who love them, but by some useful design in the human fabric, the rejects manage to kill most of that love by the time they are grown

 

[Act2]

Such pain. I wish you and your family peace.

 

[Gumby]

It has been my lifelong opinion that you don't have to take crap from family members that you wouldn't take from other people. The fact that they are related to you is nothing more than an accident of birth.

 

[RobbieB]

Yeah, just write them off like a bad debt.

 

[Gumby]

It's hard to know what to make of your comment.

 

[RobbieB]

It's hard to know what to make of your comment.

 

[Gumby]

Well, then, we're both baffled, so I guess we should call it a night.

 

[badatmath]

Trusts are really not that difficult to break. Or so it seemed to me when 2 unrelated people I know inherited under them and got them dissolved.

 

[SecondCor521]

For a child, I totally agree... but I think with adult children it needs to be less of a one way street. Why should a parent remain loyal to adult children that treat them like crap?

I read the OP's comments which I quoted to be a neutral response from the offspring. Your phrasing describes negative response from the offspring.

Like you, I wouldn't accept negative response from the offspring. For me, regardless of age - child or adult.

But I would still probably try to continue to work with them and on the relationship to address their behavior. It would take a lot for me to completely and permanently write them off.

It's hard to say without understanding more, and OP doesn't owe me an explanation.

I also think that actions or behavior I might view as neutral, another person might view as negative.

 

[RetiredAt49]

IMHO the OP has every right to structure the will as he/she sees fit. It’s your money/property. Our will doesn’t leave everything to our entitled rug rats [emoji16] and there’s limits (age and amounts) so that they need to make a living and do something productive with their life before they can benefit from our wealth.

 

[GoodbyeYellow]

There’s a lot of surmising going on here. I genuinely thought the question, posed as a logical/technical one, would be answered to the point, but sadly, there’s a good bit of assuming to know somebody else’s life details.

As indicated, I’ve said all that I will about the psychological stuff, as it wasn’t the reason I posted to begin with. Otherwise I am put in the position of justifying my position, or perhaps even asking for approval. This is not to sound like I know everything or am always right, but I think it’s fair to say I know more about my own life than anyone else does. Would anyone here disagree with that?

 

[SecondCor521]

There’s a lot of surmising going on here. I genuinely thought the question, posed as a logical/technical one, would be answered to the point, but sadly, there’s a good bit of assuming to know somebody else’s life details.

As indicated, I’ve said all that I will about the psychological stuff, as it wasn’t the reason I posted to begin with. Otherwise I am put in the position of justifying my position, or perhaps even asking for approval. This is not to sound like I know everything or am always right, but I think it’s fair to say I know more about my own life than anyone else does. Would anyone here disagree with that?

You don't owe me an explanation or justification. I tried to opine only and not assume but perhaps I fell short of that goal.

Sometime this board doesn't answer the question you asked. This can be viewed as a bug or a feature.