I feel I may have a problem with hoarding money..

[braumeister]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ragnarkar I originally wanted to plan for $10K to $15K but it looks like it'll be at least $20K for an entire package (average priced venue, flowers, DJ, food, etc.) with all the guests who found out and want to come..

If someone suggested this to me, I would have considered them insane.

But let me offer an alternative that worked for me.

Both DW and I recognized that the whole elaborate wedding thing was going to be extremely stressful, so we modified it to our liking.

We hired a nice stretch limo and had a small, simple ceremony with six of our closest friends and relatives. Then back home for some champagne and wedding cake with those same people. Then off to the airport for a nice honeymoon.

One year later, we had our real wedding reception on our first anniversary. The plan (and it worked beautifully) was to be able to enjoy the party as much as our guests, without any of the wedding stress.

We rented a nice but not too expensive place with a great view that let us use our own choices of caterer, musicians, etc. (this saved a ton of money over the traditional deal).

We invited all the friends we wanted, and everyone, including us, had a great time. Everyone thought we had a great idea (actually DW came up with the plan), and the only negative reaction came from one uncle who was miffed that he wasn't invited to the original wedding. But we never liked him anyway, so no problem.

Bottom line is that it's your wedding (both of you, that is) and you can set your own rules for how to do it.

[ragnarkar]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sheehs1 But do you WANT all the guest that found out to come? Guest lists have to cut off somewhere otherwise you'll be throwing a party at your expense for a lot of people. Careful with packages. Have you already signed a contract? Once you get into details you may be surprised at things you may want being an "add on" cost. Try to get those details in there before signing a contract. If you have already signed....well...it will still be o.k. What types of things am I talking about? Let's say you want servers to serve champagne. There is typically a server charge. What about the taxes on the package. We had an extra food tax and gratuity fee that added 25% to the total. Didn't know it when my daughter and her fiancee signed the contract. Does the venue allow you to bring in your own liquors? If so, huge savings there but...probably $3.50 a person for set ups. If you need more than one bartender, it will be extra. D.J. do you need a microphone for minister? Add on. Do you need microphone for any readers, singers, etc. Add on. Having a hard time remembering all the add ons! It is very difficult to "walk thru" your day prior to contract signing but I would suggest trying to. How many people.?

The particular venue that's asking for a $5000 deposit is the one closest to where we live that isn't horribly expensive (relatively speaking). We still haven't signed a contract but they've only got 1 day available in our target timeframe for the wedding. We could look at some alternative venues, namely beach venues (we're based near Los Angeles, CA) which seem more reasonably priced.

[clifp]

+1000

Given your background and early job history (Lets face it the job picture has completely sucked for a huge percentage of Millennials.) I don't think you are hoarder at all. You are just being smart. It is pretty big accomplishment to have graduate with a master degree and no debt.

You are looking an affordable, but by no means trivial amount of mortgage payments. Plus having put down $100K, you are in no position to walk away from a mortgage if you do lose your job like so many people did in 2008 and 2009.

$20K doesn't seem crazy to spend on a wedding, but it would reduce your money on hand to 20K after the honeymoon or not even 6 months.

I'd show your fiance this thread and get her reaction.

[photoguy]

What are your families' expectations on the wedding?

[ragnarkar]

Quote:

Originally Posted by photoguy What are your families' expectations on the wedding?

Her family is fine with a modest wedding.. although they expect us to have a house before the wedding (hence the downpayment.) My family doesn't really care but probably won't be providing any financial support.

[daylatedollarshort]

The Mr. Money Mustache forums have a younger, more marriage age and very frugal crowd. You might ask there for some suggestions on how to have a nice wedding while still keeping the costs in check.

[Redbugdave]

I'm with the rest of the group and think you are pretty level headed. Weddings are a waste of good money when it can be used or invested elsewhere.

[tryan]

wow ... and I thought I was a tightwad ...

[kaudrey]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ragnarkar I originally wanted to plan for $10K to $15K but it looks like it'll be at least $20K for an entire package (average priced venue, flowers, DJ, food, etc.) with all the guests who found out and want to come..

That's your first problem. It doesn't matter who wants to come, it matters who you want to invite. Weddings are expensive. We got married just outside of Washington, DC, about 5 months ago at a very nice venue with 70 people and it cost about $12K in total - including my dress, the rings, and everything else.

We could have had 150 people, but opted to go for close friends and family only. A budget is a budget. Stick to it.

If you want more people, make it more casual. Less people = fancier. We thought long and hard about doing it more casual than we did, as well as doing different things (having it a mansion, or a vineyard etc), but in the end found the middle ground that met our budget and made us happy.

[SJ1_]

Quote:

Originally Posted by daylatedollarshort Personally, I think you are just being financially smart, which means you probably have to get used to being a financial outlier. My husband and I were married at a courthouse and bought a house with the money we had saved up. Do you really have to spend a lot of money to have a memorable wedding attended by family and friends? I have been to nice pot luck wedding receptions in backyards and rec rooms. Here is a related video making the rounds on the frugal forums on costly engagement rings - Why Engagement Rings Are a Scam - CollegeHumor Video (crude language warning)

We also got married at the courthouse and I also agree you are being financially smart.
Spending to much on a wedding can add a lot of stress.
Not sure how your future spouse feels but how you think about and spending
money is a major issue in marriage.

[retirein15]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mountaintosea I think weddings are over rated. I thought the bride's family usually foots the bill? Most weddings I attended could have done without all the extras. Have a small wedding and everybody meet at the bar afterwards! If having an expensive wedding is important to her then maybe you two aren't as compatible as you think? Do you talk finances? There's nothing worse than one spouse wishing to save and the other likes spending. It's a disaster in the making, IMHO.

LOL, my disaster and I have been married for 45 years and getting ready to ER 2015. She is finally coming around to my frugal way of thinking but I can say it has been a struggle at times. Once she got on board with the FIRE concept it was like night and day.It is better when you both are on the same page financially, but it can work. Just some words of encouragement for the wedding planner.

[Shawn]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ragnarkar For as long as I've known her, she's been quite frugal in her everyday spending.. way more than most of my friends but not to my extreme degree.

Why do you believe your attitude is extreme? It does not come across that way in your posts. You come across as thoughtful and financially prudent.

How does your fiancee feel about the wedding costs? Better yet, how would you feel if the roles were reversed? Suppose you were still a graduate student and she was the one with a modest job and was reluctant to spend $5000 on a wedding deposit. Would you want her to spend a sizable fraction of her income/savings if it made her feel uncomfortable? Would your feelings as to what she should pay change if it was your parents who gave you $100K for a house down payment? I cannot speak for others, but if I was the fiancee, I would 1) want my future partner to feel comfortable with decisions, 2) want to be realistic about finances, and 3) want to pay my share of the costs (that is what adults do) and/or lower my expectations if I felt the costs were too high.

Obviously, none of this means you should not spend the money on the wedding. It's your money and it is up to you. But $5000 (or $20,000) is a lot, especially for someone in your situation. There is nothing wrong with using these funds in other ways that may be more important to you. And there is nothing wrong with saving the money. This is not hoarding.

Interestingly enough, I recently "loaned" my pet sitter $5000 to help pay the veterinary bills for her cat. She does not have a lot of money and her husband recently lost his job. I have no expectation that this loan will be repaid. I have the resources to provide these funds because I've saved and invested the majority of my paychecks during my life. I have the flexibility to spend money on things that are important to me because I do not spend money on things that are not as important to me. I am very happy that I had the resources to help. But these resources did not come by accident. They came from financial decisions made earlier in life.

Will you need the $5000 (or $20,000) later in your life?

[Walt34]

The 2nd time around I spent about $1,500 in 1988 and since it was her first wedding I didn't mind that. She found a $200 dress at J.C. Penny, the guest list was 25 people, ceremony in the chapel of a local church, reception at a local restaurant, not lavish by any means, and 4-day honeymoon at Deep Creek Lake in MD about 4 hours away.

We had a bigger backyard party one year later. I think it was potluck but can't remember. I do remember burgers & hot dogs on the grill. Certainly not catered though.

Next July it'll be 26 years ago. She still thinks I'm "the best thing that ever happened" to her. Hopefully she'll never wise up.

It doesn't take gobs of money spent in one week to make a marriage. I'd venture further and say that if doing so causes a lot of stress then it isn't a good idea at all.

[timwalsh300]

We got married for under $10k (including engagement ring, the dress, wedding bands, ceremony, reception, and honeymoon) despite having about 100 guests. We were fortunate that family and friends gave their time and talents to help with things like invitations, a cake, music, and photography.

We had a few moments in which we disagreed on spending, but those were important conversations. I've learned that honestly expressing our concerns to each other, and taking each other's concerns seriously, is key to our happiness. I think the concerns about your income and job outlook are valid, and your fiancee needs to be understanding.

In retrospect, I think a smaller wedding would be better. You worry about not sharing the moment with people if you don't invite them, but with 100 guests you don't really get to share the moment with anybody. I only spent a few minutes with each person. I like the idea of doing something with immediate family and a few best friends. It would be more enjoyable. You could also get a nicer venue and better food while spending less overall.

Tim

[W2R]

Quote:

Originally Posted by daylatedollarshort So more than 6 months net income for a one day event? When you are worried about job security? Not wanting to spend that much of your income on a wedding isn't hoarding. It is really just being practical and realistic about what you can afford.

+10000

One more who is urging you to trust your own gut instincts on this one, and to have a long, heart-to-heart talk with your fiancee about money.

[Papa bear]

Most of the focus here has been on the wedding expense. However, living in California at 40k annual in finance with a masters and 3-5 years of experience? Get some confidence with interviews, have some friends help out with your résumé, call a few head hunters and get a 30-50% raise! Then the wedding hurt won't feel so bad.

[Sue J]

If you feel this bad about the $5000 deposit, how are you going to feel when your budget of $10,000-$15,000 slips closer to $20,000 or more because you have to do things "right" or invite another cluster of people who expect to be invited?

Are you going to be able to enjoy a day that costs you half your yearly salary before taxes?

Sit down with the fiancé and talk about what the two of you really want and at what price to your future. Concentrate on what's important for the marriage, not what happens on one day, for one dinner party. Make it about the two of you, not other people's expectations.

And, we LIKE money hoarders here!

[daylatedollarshort]

When you talk to your fiance, discuss first what kind of emergency fund you want to have and other life goals and purchases besides the wedding. Draw up a financial plan with a big picture view together of where you want to be in one year, five years, etc.

An emergency fund of at least one year wouldn't be overly cautious by most standards today, plus houses are expensive to furnish, insure, heat, cool, pay property tax on, repair, have the gutters cleaned, etc. You'll need to have enough money to support your new house even with your current job.

You don't want to set yourself up to have a big wedding, use up your emergency fund, get laid off and be out of work for a year, and then get the house foreclosed on and lose part or all of your $100K equity.

It is good to hope for the best, but financially plan for the worst.

[travelover]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Walt34 ............It doesn't take gobs of money spent in one week to make a marriage. I'd venture further and say that if doing so causes a lot of stress then it isn't a good idea at all.

Great point. Spending 20 grand in one splashy pop vs using 20 grand to enrich the marriage over a number of years is (was) an easy choice for me. Ten years from now no one will care whether you got married at the Justice of the Peace or in a 300 person extravaganza.

[rodi]

Some said the reception is just a party. This is very true - but catering places charge more if it is a party associated with a wedding. We ran into this when we were having a "party" a month after our wedding for the folks in the town we lived (hubbies relatives) vs the folks where my family is. We got a quote per person for a party. We signed a contract. Then they found out that it was a wedding celebration, they tried to add $30/head. I flipped out and pointed out that we would have been married for more than month it was NOT a wedding. It helped that I already had a signed contract with the original price.

Guest list management is the biggest key to saving $$ on a wedding. You do NOT need to invite relatives who you don't ever see, friends' parents, etc... Just the people you actually have a close relationship with. Not acquaintances.

Congratulations on your engagement.