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Old 09-04-2017, 05:25 AM   #41
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I'm late to the party but I also agree this doesn't look good. I married someone who expected the best of everything the first time around. He wouldn't enter K-Mart even if it had what we wanted because he was just too fine to go into K-Mart. He had to drive the latest Camaro. He wore Hickey-Freeman suits. We had to send sheets out to be laundered because he liked them pressed. Blah, blah, blah. He also had no savings and a boatload of credit card debt, which doesn't seem to be a factor in your case.

It was a nightmare. Because he spent every dime he made and then some, I was the emergency fund. Need a new roof? Paid for out of my savings. Water heater died? I paid for another one. Seven years after the divorce I married a dear man who was 15 years older, made half what I did, but shared my financial priorities. Travel was our big splurge and we had many wonderful trips before he died late last year. OTOH, we spent less than $300 (combined) on clothes last year and never bought a new (current year model) car in the 20 years we were together. Unless I buy a boat or an airplane or take up with an expensive boy toy, I'm very unlikely to outlive my savings despite hefty travel and charity budgets. I appreciate my dear husband for helping to build those resources through good teamwork.

The sniping about your being cheap concerns me, as does the gambling. I know plenty of people consider it entertainment and go in with a pre-determined amount and leave when/if that's gone. If she has that discipline, good, but that's still money that can't be used elsewhere and she may decide to increase the stakes at any time.
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Old 09-04-2017, 06:02 AM   #42
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Whatever you do....DO NOT MARRY HER!!! She is toxic.

First: Dissolve the joint account so she does not rob you.

Second: Dump her.

In that order.
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Old 09-04-2017, 06:26 AM   #43
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Speaking from experience, I would heed the above advice. I've been married for 35 years and it's rare to have a week go by where we don't argue about $. My DW now lives barely below her means on her pension. But I spent years trying to get her to be more frugal. OP seems to be heading down a similar path, or worse.
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Old 09-04-2017, 06:59 AM   #44
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I changed my spending ways to adapt to DH. I realized saving is fun, kind of a game to save, find good deals and say no to spending. Most of my family spends frivolously and I see how that is an insecurity and fear of looking cheap. I'm really good and saving now and thank DH for teaching me how to save. Now we're FIRE and still have our health to enjoy it.
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Old 09-04-2017, 07:22 AM   #45
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Amethyst, I think you've hit on this, OP may need to do some inward looking (and yes, "nearly a year" and no mention of how she'd be as a step-mom to your kids?)

Quote:
Originally Posted by RenoJay View Post
Hi. My AGI is probably 5x hers, so we agreed on starting a joint account where I'd put in the lion's share, and she'd put in a little bit, and we'd use that for joint expenses like eating out, travel, etc. So far it's worked out pretty well as far as sticking to the budget we've agreed upon. My issue is that I feel she's constantly making snippy comments about me being "cheap", dressing like cr*p, not caring enough about brand names, not being impulsive ("spontaneous") enough, etc. The comments are really getting to me, given that my cost of living is way higher than hers, that I pay for almost everything we do as a couple, and that I value the security of a big nest egg way more than the fleeting joy of more stuff, or an extra appetizer. Any advice here? I've tried to address this before, but it seems to keep happening.
The joint account for dating at <1 year, when you make 5x her, sounds very off. I would have been offended, and it's not exactly romantic. When did that start? Sure she agreed, but she's probably ticked and should be. Doesn't make her a gold-digger, but who makes a shared account for dating? Never heard of that...

Then if YOU are constantly managing that account ("let's not get the appetizer that's $9 dear!"), yeah that might bring out the snippy. Or turning down her suggestions on a restaurant with a far-lesser substitute... yeah that would not be fun.

Yes, you are still not a match, but OP may have helped bring that about. Money is nice, but it's playing a 3rd wheel, and a controlling one, in this relationship.
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Old 09-04-2017, 07:29 AM   #46
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DW & I are totally in sync when it comes to the allocation of our meagre funds....we are in absolute agreement about what is, and what isn't, important to us.

My late wife's best friend, (widowed a couple years after me), however is on a totally different page; she's in a happy live-in, buy homes together, relationship, with a guy a few years younger than she, (and who is still gainfully employed), and the pair of them, (him to a slightly lesser degree from our casual observation), appear to have a "Spend it before it's gone" philosophy.

I've said to DW that, as much as I like the friend, (and I do), there is no way in the world that I would ever have gotten hooked up with her.
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Old 09-04-2017, 07:35 AM   #47
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To the OP : You say you are divorced. Was your Ex's spending or disrespect an issue in the first marriage ?
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Old 09-04-2017, 07:36 AM   #48
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The the OP - to quote other posters above, and to quote myself from another thread, run away fast screaming into the night from this situation.

Realize that the BIGGEST reason couples break up are financial differences. Even couples who are on the same page financially will have different financial views and points of views in situations - having a common goal and outlook helps. When things are as you describe, they do not help and in fact could get worse.

I had a co-worker in a similar situation, he married a beautiful woman but whom also liked to spend impulsively. He thought he could "teach" her how he had saved. Another female co-worker who was more aware of the situation that I was said bluntly "I give them 2 years". They did not last 18 months, and the split was over finances.

If the comments are getting to you now, marriage is not going to make the comments feel any better.
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Old 09-04-2017, 07:43 AM   #49
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RenoJay View Post
Hi. Just looking for some practical advice. I'm divorced, two kids, and I've had a girlfriend for nearly a year. My GF is super smart, beautiful, has a professional career and is fun. But she's a spender at heart.

Any advice here? I've tried to address this before, but it seems to keep happening.
ER. Org is probably not the best forum to ask such a question. (IMO)
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Old 09-04-2017, 07:52 AM   #50
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Spending issues were a prime reason for my (very expensive) divorce.
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Old 09-04-2017, 08:24 AM   #51
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I require more data.

"My GF is super smart, beautiful, has a professional career and is fun." How is she with your kids? You've been together a year; I'm surprised you didn't mention this.

To me, it sounds as if instead of love, you've made this relationship all about money, and how you make so much more than she does. Being beautiful - which you evidently consider so important that you are willing to accept a partner who makes far less money - takes time, effort, and yes, money. For that reason alone, she has a right to expect you to invest in your appearance, too. (You didn't say whether you do take care of your looks, and she is just searching for stuff to pick at, which would be a danger sign).

The quip about the extra appetizer puzzled me. Are you saying you won't let her have one (which would be too stingy for words) or that she thinks you need to have one, even if you aren't hungry (which would be weird)?

Well we might have scared the OP away with our opinions. But I also noticed that he didn't say he loved her. I suspect he feels the relationship is going downhill and listed all her good qualities to convince himself things aren't that bad. The comment about being beautiful was one of many he made about her, so I don't think it's the primary driver.

So she values looking good (which to her means brand names) and he favors function over status. .they like to do things together that are a little pricey and have tried to work out a plan where they share the cost in a fair manner. That's a mature way to do things, but apparently its not working. He still feels he spends too much money on "frivolous" stuff and she thinks he doesn't spend enough money on it. He should break it off, not because she is evil, but he's not in the wrong either.
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Old 09-04-2017, 08:31 AM   #52
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Do you want a high-maintenance trophy-wife, or someone that love's and respects you? Your call!
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Old 09-04-2017, 08:38 AM   #53
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And on top of that, as others have mentioned, Dr. Gottman pigeonholed significant predictors of relationship failure, and contempt is one of them. This is well worth a read because it is spot on:

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-fou...-stonewalling/

Very interesting read. Thanks for posting.
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Old 09-04-2017, 08:52 AM   #54
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Well we might have scared the OP away with our opinions. But I also noticed that he didn't say he loved her. I suspect he feels the relationship is going downhill and listed all her good qualities to convince himself things aren't that bad. The comment about being beautiful was one of many he made about her, so I don't think it's the primary driver.

So she values looking good (which to her means brand names) and he favors function over status. .they like to do things together that are a little pricey and have tried to work out a plan where they share the cost in a fair manner. That's a mature way to do things, but apparently its not working. He still feels he spends too much money on "frivolous" stuff and she thinks he doesn't spend enough money on it. He should break it off, not because she is evil, but he's not in the wrong either.
Sounds to me like the OP and his GF are wanting different things. He looks at her as someone to settle down with and she looks at him as someone out for fun. Both try to change each other (which can be a hopeless cause). Him wanting her to be more aware of how she spends and she expressing how "cheap" he is.
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Old 09-04-2017, 10:09 AM   #55
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You could try giving her a copy of The Millionaire Next Door and see what she thinks. There is a lot in there on millionaires tending to be cheap dates (museums, sports, spending time with family and friends) and putting money into investments or appreciating assets vs. depreciating consumer goods and status items.

Or here is a short version, 8 key elements of economic success:

8 Key Elements of the Economic Success Equation

Number 5 is being careful to select the right spouse and 8 is "Adopt a balanced lifestyle. Many millionaires are “cheap dates.” It does not take a lot of money to enjoy the company of your family and friends."
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Old 09-04-2017, 10:50 AM   #56
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Run.
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Old 09-04-2017, 10:54 AM   #57
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I think we may have scared the OP off. This thread is getting intense.

Relationships are complicated, and I've learned a long time ago not to give relationship advice, as nobody will ever understand a relationship better than the two people who are in it.
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Old 09-04-2017, 11:03 AM   #58
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OP, realize that some of our female members in this thread are telling you to cut it off.
Ouch!
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Old 09-04-2017, 11:06 AM   #59
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I think we may have scared the OP off. This thread is getting intense.

Relationships are complicated, and I've learned a long time ago not to give relationship advice, as nobody will ever understand a relationship better than the two people who are in it.
In all fairness, the OP opened his post indicating that he wanted advice.
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Old 09-04-2017, 11:07 AM   #60
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Do you want a high-maintenance trophy-wife, or someone that love's and respects you?
Maybe hard to find but I'd prefer all of the above.
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