Made 300K last year - But still don't have enough for a HCOL city and not very happy

[Magus]

The person is 34 with $1M+ in the bank and earning a ton of money. It's his life, but for me, I don't see why a potential spouse/partner's income potential has any relevance. Especially if he is admittedly frustrated/sad/upset at his dating life.

My two cents - loosen up. Throw your list away and go on lots of dates. Build up some confidence, have fun, and see what happens. You may find that your list isn't as important as you once thought or you may find that it's very important and may even add to it. Either way, I would get out and start dating.

I know that's easier said than done and I don't mean to diminish what you're feeling. I personally don't think that love is something you can plan for like you do with your finances. I think you have to put yourself out there and enjoy the ride.

Agree with you, I'd just watch out for gold diggers. You can even have fun with them if you want, just be realistic and not stupid with your $.

 

[EastWest Gal]

I agree with those who suggest getting involved in a hobby group. Meetup groups are everywhere. Professional groups too. I know a number of people who have met and married through community band and community theater, because those are our hobby groups.

 

[Jenna]

Go to church. You will find a nice girl who wants to build a life with you. And other couples to be friends with. There are lots to choose from. I bet you can find one that fits with your beliefs. I agree though, having someone to share your life with is everything.

 

[teetee]

I admit that I did not finish reading after the numbers. You are 34 and are taking a break after 15 yr of working years. That sounds totally normal to me. Perhaps you can move to a low cost area and find something that you like and earns money. With lots of work-from-hone opportunities, moving to the low housing state helps to lower your expenses without compromising the earning potential (unless your field can not be done remotely).

Travel for fun is not a safe thing to do at the moment but perhaps consider something after it becomes safer? Lots of people did the travel in their youth. You are doing it too just in a different order.

Chasing money can come later and you should not be concerned about it if you are in a low cost area with 1m net worth. It takes some energy and determination to change the status quo though. Based on the fact that you are happy now, it might be a worthy change.

Also I would not treat those 300k investment returns as income. They are mostly numbers on paper. The unemployment benefit counts as income because it raises the baseline of your investment. It is pretty amazing after the high living expenses you still saw the 300k increase on your net worth. Are you perhaps a super saver or very lucky with your investment?

I just read the dating part. Sounds at least one of you are serious. Relationship is an entirely different experience especially when your partner is from a different cultural background. Good luck with it.

 

[Music Lover]

I agree with those who suggest getting involved in a hobby group. Meetup groups are everywhere. Professional groups too. I know a number of people who have met and married through community band and community theater, because those are our hobby groups.

It comes down to basic math. You're never going to meet anyone home alone. But if you put yourself in situations that involve groups of people then you greatly increase the odds of meeting a partner.

Do you like to run ? Enter local 5k races where there may be a couple hundred runners with many of them in your target demographic.

Do you have a dog? Instead of walking it around the block go to a dog park...if you're male and looking for a female you'll be outnumbered. If you don't have a dog take a friend's dog for a walk.

I met my wife when my band was playing. She came with the friend of our drummer but the point was that we were both were out for the evening and caught each other's eye.

 

[38Chevy454]

My wife says she fell in love with my dog and married me. I didn't get the dog to meet women, but it does help.
Stay away from the international stuff, way too many red flags. Do the volunteer stuff or groups with common interests. Also while physical attraction is required, especially initially and in the short term, for long term success you need the emotional bonding. You might want to evaluate your list to really determine what is important.

 

[Scuba]

I think the advice to focus on making yourself the best you can be, and putting yourself in situations to meet people with common interests is very sound. If we are in a place in life where we are giving off negative vibes, it’s hard to attract a great person to become your long-term partner.

I would downplay your financial status when you meet women so that those who are attracted to you aren’t chasing the money. That is what I did before I met DH. I was single, very successful professionally and financially, owned my own home and had excellent credit and did not want to date anyone seriously who might jeopardize my financial health.

 

[Badger]

When I became single again in my late 30s it was quite a different dating scene than when in college. I also had very limited resources. I met a lot of women but spending the evening at a movie, drinking in a bar all night, or dinner was either not in my budget or not a good way to get to know someone. Instead I would first "screen" them at a happy hour after work, for breakfast or lunch, or (western dance was popular at the time so I learned how to dance) at a large western dance venue. Better places for conversation to get to know them and not a waste of time or money. Met a few very nice ladies but a large number that I had absolutely no interest in for a variety of reasons. An hour of pleasant conversation will reveal quite a bit about a person to know if it will be worth a second meeting.
After a few years I finally met a wonderful lady that was intelligent, outgoing, active, enjoyed the outdoors, liked adventure, was frugal, and with the bonus of being attractive. It has been an amazing 33 years since. Worked for me.


Cheers!

 

[daylatedollarshort]

A number of our friends met their spouses after age 30 through an outdoor activity group for older singles, with activities like hikes and drinks afterwards. I know a lot of the common dating advice is to join a gym or take a class to meet people, but those places are going to include a lot of people not interested in looking for dates and don't help as much with the "numbers game" part as singles only groups, especially singles only within a similar age range.

 

[slagle]

As a fellow resident of Toronto, I can appreciate your frustration with costs of an HCOL area. That said, Toronto is now bigger than Chicago, and it really is the core of Canada in terms of business. That means you have a lot of young people around. Go on Facebook, and other social sites to find yourself a group - pick an outdoor activity, a hobby....there are lots of people in this city.

 

[stephenson]

OK, so I'm going to be frank - as I would and did with my children.

To the OP - OMG stop whining and grow up.

There are women, and men, everywhere. Ya sound self centered and isolated - thats on you!

Get out of wherever it is you are sitting on your butt!

Sorry. Dad signing off.

 

[Katiek]

Welcome!



I echo the advice to spend time doing things you enjoy and let the dating follow from that. Don't make your activities about meeting someone to date, make it about doing things you enjoy and meeting nice people. Lots of people who may not be available for dating may have friends or relatives you'd enjoy meeting. Or they may just be friends who'll involve you in other activities that add purpose and fun to your life.

 

[kgtest]

Any words or advice appreciated. Thanks for listening.

Move somewhere cheaper. I have similar numbers, have 3 kids, happily married with a 3,100 sq ft home and live in a moderate cost of living area in the midwest. This tells me you need to change that HCOL variable. Or earn more money. That seems to be the only difference between you and I. And I actually didn't sacrifice much. Still don't.

 

[2177V]

Here is a tip on how to meet ladies: step 1: do not reject a lady who you are not interested in. Step 2: become friends anyway but do not get serious. Step 3: carefully tell her that it will not work out…but you are interested in finding someone else if they have girl friends who do not have boy friends. You will be amazed on their network of girl friends that they know. Most guys fail to complete step 1. Looking for love can be more difficult if you do not tap into other people’s network of friends. I have seen girls make similar mistake by rejecting guys without getting to know them. Both of them then complaint that they can not find anyone that they like.

 

[Time2]

You have had plenty of advice about not going the route of finding a foreign spouse. I'm just going to back it up. I married an Asian women I met while in a community college, she was taking English as a second language and I was in an English class across the hall. I saw her standing in the door way and... oh wait that's not the story I want to relate. We have been married 40 years and I have seen through her family several women brought over for marriage. One mother and father brought over a girl for their son, he wasn't interested. The Mother and father divorced so that the father could marry her so she could stay. There was some money exchanged. Mother and father continued to live together and the girl and father have since divorced. Another family member after a divorce brought a younger girl over and married her, I can't say it worked out terrible, but I think she would have preferred a younger man. A few years ago a nephew brought over a women she met the family, saw they had a business and saw what she thought was money. Now that she is married she finds they are living on his $31k and what ever she can earn. It's not what she thought. It also seems the ones that come over will continue sending money back to their families. There is more, but I don't want to ask my wife for all the gory details. Be forewarned.

I have a 27 yr old son that is in the market, good looking kid, college grad, good job, just bloomed a little late, has had two significant romances and is perusing a young lady hard that doesn't seem too interested. I wish he could understand he is a catch and go out looking with confidence. I might add Covid put a bit of a monkey wrench in over the last couple of years. For everybody.

 

[ERObjd]

A retired friend of mine married his wife when he was stationed in Philippines..I was his best man He has been married 35 years but has spent thousands on plane tickets and travel going back every year so visit her family. Most of her family aside from one sister is still over there. We chat and have coffee every few months and he says he would likely have a investment portfolio of 500K if he would have invested what he spent on travel in a good mutual fund. I asked him if he would rather have the $$ and not be married and he said "no" I said well there ya go everyones situation is different just be thankful you have a good marriage, 2 great kids all grown up and you can afford to travel . something to be grateful for. Life aint about who gets the most toys or biggest bank account.

 

[GrayHare]

You've proved yourself as an elite earner and saver, and that makes you, well, unusual, at least to people who are not FIRE types. And a large percentage of the population are not FIRE types. It also means your skills in non-earning areas of life may not be as elite. I echo what others have said about getting involved in various groups where you'll meet people. You already mentioned volunteering, which can be one such venue. Take a community college course in some topic of interest that can expand your range of experiences. That course could be about photography, dancing, a sport, painting, etc. You'll meet others with similar interests. If you are looking for a long-term relationship, IMO you'll be best off with another saver. They need not follow a hard core FIRE approach, but I don't know any happy couple in which one person is a elite saver and the other a big spender. A new "friend" that asks for a loan, or for help paying credit card debt, would be red flags to me. To help avoid attracting people who see you as a source of money, don't flaunt your wealth. Avoid fancy, instead keep yourself, your car, and your residence simple and clean. You want someone attracted to you, not to your investments.

 

[donethat]

Three quick thoughts: 1) It's hard to understand how increasing your wealth from 1.25M to 1.5M will get you to the point of allowing for a home and car that you can't presently afford. Maybe you should instead dial back your notion of what is an acceptable first home and/or car. Consider used vs new for example. 2) My son lived in Spain for years and met a girl there. They came to the US together. She got her green card. They got married. They bought a house. They had a son. All this took about 7 years. I believe she was sincere and no kind of gold digger. But at that point she decided she had to return to her home and culture. My son now finds himself trying to parent a 5 year old who lives thousands of miles away 7 1/2 months a year. A very tough lesson. 3) No matter how much money you have, if you find someone, get involved, and have a family, you will need multiples of what you need now.

 

[kcowan]

?..FWIW two of my (well to do) professional co-workers met their wives on match.com after years of no luck just dating haphazardly. I don’t know if match.com is still a good service, or if there may be others better in CA, but both of the guys I know have been married for more than 15 years so they made great matches. Both women were/are professionals in their own right…

Just to,bring this into a Canadian context, one of my buddies was divorced and found his partner on match.com and I would say part of the secret was that they were both divorced but self-sustaining. They were also complementary in their skills. Both in Toronto.

 

[nash031]

Now 1 year later, I am at 1.250M (all stocks), so when adding my expenses (and being down a bit with latest market meltdown the last couple days) that means I made roughly 300K in 1 year. That is a mind blowing number, especially considering I got laid off due to Covid


.... I have met someone online that seems special and lovely, but they live in another country, and their income potential / financial contribution is effectively zero. I would have to sponsor them coming here and be a "sugar daddy". Something I never dreamed I might have to result to

First off, financially, why not find something you enjoy doing that pays the bills? It doesn't need to make a ton of money... just enough to cover your bills so you can allow the savings to grow over time. You could do that for ten years and have $3M saved up while having a better work/life balance. There comes a time when you don't really need to save any more, just allow what you have saved to grow.

Second, there is no chance in hell I would trust anything I found online that I couldn't meet in person immediately and get to know well. Match.com, I get - it's a good "in" to meet people in your area that you can see, touch, talk to in person, have coffee with, etc. This situation you're talking about? No chance. You don't bring someone you've never met into your life and just hope for the best. Protect yourself, don't settle.

 

[JoeLearningtoRetire]

Lots of good advice/insights given here. I think you did right by working hard and saving in your younger years to build net worth. From an evolutionary biology standpoint, you will be pursued by women who want stability and can support a family. You just need to meet potential mates.

Other advice: look at yourself, and honestly see what you can do to improve yourself and make the best version of you (women want men you are tall, fit, and of higher socio-economic status than themselves). Also would consider only women with similar financial goals (saving for the future) and political views.

 

[RocketGirl]

I don't think I have a specific question for y'all, but perhaps just some general life advice could be appreciated.

This time last year I reached that magic 1M number (I sacrificed my 20's to do this, I'm now 34). Now 1 year later, I am at 1.250M (all stocks), so when adding my expenses (and being down a bit with latest market meltdown the last couple days) that means I made roughly 300K in 1 year. That is a mind blowing number, especially considering I got laid off due to Covid


Yet I still struggle to be happy on account of 2 things:

- The biggest disappointment actually has nothing to do with finances: I'm single, and dating is a real struggle, yet I would like to find my "significant other".

- 1.250M is not enough in a HCOL city like Toronto where I live if I want a house or a decent sized condo and a vehicle. Which in itself is also a mind-blowing thought .



I figure ~1.5M would be a number that is sufficient to be confident enough while having a comfy lifestyle with a nice place to live and a vehicle in my city.

I don't want to work for a megacorp again, but I am aiming to get back into more volunteering. Helping other people in need is much more fulfilling than just making an existing billionaire even wealthier.

Being lonely on the other hand will not be solved by money. Seems my expectations are too high in terms of honesty and "being a supportive team". Though if I was happy being alone I would be laughing right now, as the finances should take care of themselves at this point in as little as 1 year or at most 5 years, and I would have "pretty much everything" I could ever need or want.

I wasn't sure if there was much benefit to getting into too much details about the dating aspect on this forum, so I kept it light. But basically I don't want to settle for just anyone, and I have met someone online that seems special and lovely, but they live in another country, and their income potential / financial contribution is effectively zero. I would have to sponsor them coming here and be a "sugar daddy". Something I never dreamed I might have to result to

Any words or advice appreciated. Thanks for listening.

If you are interested in moving, have a look at the East Coast of Canada. Housing is a lot lower I'm in my early 40s, (I own my home and have four rental prosperities) and while I have a good salary, I'm by no means a high high earner. It's easier to buy and save where there is less to spend on. Halifax for example is a bustline and growing city. Also, as an East Coast girl, I can say there are lots of lovely women in their 30s looking for a great guy. One of my best friends left TO and met her match here in Halifax - she is now happily married, they have a great house and a lovely piece of land. (Ironically work may take her back to ON) but seriously, check out the East - we have lots to offer

 

[Amethyst]

RG, you may have started a male mass exodus to Halifax with this line

Halifax for example is a bustline and growing city.

 

[Freedom56]

I understand your situation. I personally wouldn't want to be single today as I find myself surrounded by single friends whom I've known since high school or earlier. Social media and dating sites and apps have ruined the magic of meeting the one that you will spend the rest of your life with. I have been married 29 years and counting but know many men and women that still have not found the right one. I personally would ditch the dating apps and websites. People who use them are just looking for someone a little better than the last one they dated from the app or website. I see this issue here in the US, Canada, and most of Western Europe.

Here is some advice:

1- Get into shape if your are not already, dress stylish, go to a female hair stylist not a barber - physical appearances are important for that first moment you meet someone. Don't believe people if they tell you otherwise.

2- Be confident. Be funny. Take a course in public speaking if necessary. Don't appear or act desperate.

3- If you are spending your free time playing video games stop doing that and find a hobby that gets you outdoors into the real world. I meet so many people (mostly women) when I'm shooting time lapse photos or videos not matter where I am in this world and I'm not single. People who use real cameras are a novelty in this world where most use their smart phones.

3- Take courses or volunteer in organization where you can meet people.

4 - Don't limit yourself to Toronto. Go take a trip to Montreal, Quebec City, Vancouver, Halifax, Boston, or New York.

I hope this helps.

 

[Koolau]

Whoa! This thread makes me (almost) happy to be old and working on year 52 with DW. I agree with those who suggest "looking" for spouse "material" at social settings like clubs, church, etc. where your interests are similar and nothing is "forced" or too obvious (on-line sort of screams "I'm desperate" IMHO - I know things are different now, but...)

Good luck and check back often. Don't let us put you off by our occasionally blunt offerings. None of us is expert on these things and you DO get what you pay for, so YMMV.