Made 300K last year - But still don't have enough for a HCOL city and not very happy

[RioIndy]

I don't think I have a specific question for y'all, but perhaps just some general life advice could be appreciated.

This time last year I reached that magic 1M number (I sacrificed my 20's to do this, I'm now 34). Now 1 year later, I am at 1.250M (all stocks), so when adding my expenses (and being down a bit with latest market meltdown the last couple days) that means I made roughly 300K in 1 year. That is a mind blowing number, especially considering I got laid off due to Covid


Yet I still struggle to be happy on account of 2 things:

- The biggest disappointment actually has nothing to do with finances: I'm single, and dating is a real struggle, yet I would like to find my "significant other".

- 1.250M is not enough in a HCOL city like Toronto where I live if I want a house or a decent sized condo and a vehicle. Which in itself is also a mind-blowing thought .



I figure ~1.5M would be a number that is sufficient to be confident enough while having a comfy lifestyle with a nice place to live and a vehicle in my city.

I don't want to work for a megacorp again, but I am aiming to get back into more volunteering. Helping other people in need is much more fulfilling than just making an existing billionaire even wealthier.

Being lonely on the other hand will not be solved by money. Seems my expectations are too high in terms of honesty and "being a supportive team". Though if I was happy being alone I would be laughing right now, as the finances should take care of themselves at this point in as little as 1 year or at most 5 years, and I would have "pretty much everything" I could ever need or want.

I wasn't sure if there was much benefit to getting into too much details about the dating aspect on this forum, so I kept it light. But basically I don't want to settle for just anyone, and I have met someone online that seems special and lovely, but they live in another country, and their income potential / financial contribution is effectively zero. I would have to sponsor them coming here and be a "sugar daddy". Something I never dreamed I might have to result to

Any words or advice appreciated. Thanks for listening.

 

[njhowie]

So maybe during your 20s you were too focused on work. Now you're realizing the sacrifice you made.

I would say to follow through on your desire to do more volunteering - you'll definitely be meeting new people, and maybe someone will come along that you develop a bond with...or have friends they might introduce you to. I wouldn't go looking for someone, just get yourself out there.

 

[Music Lover]

Online dating only has one good purpose...introducing people that may never have met otherwise. Use it to screen potential partners then meet ASAP to see if there is a connection and a reason to meet again.

I once met 5 women for coffee over a 7 day period. After trading a few messages to screen for red flags tell them you want to meet, of course in a public place where both of you can feel safe. Long distance relationships are hard when people know each other. They're impossible if you've never even met.

 

[mystang52]

Admittedly I don't know the details, but I sure wouldn't trust that supposed foreign, online, potential date that you have to sponsor. A LOT riskier than any investments.

 

[Magus]

Admittedly I don't know the details, but I sure wouldn't trust that supposed foreign, online, potential date that you have to sponsor. A LOT riskier than any investments.

Agreed, I’d stay clear

 

[Montecfo]

I think your best bet on dating is to become involved in organizations tied to your interests and hobbies. If you meet someone there you already have common interests.

And be open to chance meetings, grocery store, walking your dog. And Get A Dog.

Also if your spiritual life is important, join a church with a subgroup which is consistent with your life stage. Great place to connect with people that share your values. And that can lead to other connections.

Ideas.

 

[MichealKnight]

Careful!

Admittedly I don't know the details, but I sure wouldn't trust that supposed foreign, online, potential date that you have to sponsor. A LOT riskier than any investments.

I personally know a fella - not nearly as successful as the OP - but the guy's dad had money and was going to leave it to him. This guy was lonely - and enter the foreign dating thing.

A woman took this guy for a ride. Cleared him out of everything.

They literally have seminars abroad - how to target, profile, romance, earn trust of men who are lonely - and wealthy.

 

[TheWizard]

Even with dating in the US, I would try to get someone with at least half the net worth and/or income that you have, assuming you plan to get married eventually.

If no marriage plans, then less of an issue...

 

[Gumby]

My advice is to meet someone at home. Be as active and social as you can. It is more likely you'll hit it off with someone if you are both doing something you enjoy.

I would be very careful with someone overseas, whom you have never met in person. Read these for some background on the problems with "green card marriage" and associated scams. The details may vary, but human deceit is universal.

https://pittsburgh.cbslocal.com/201...cam-victim-tells-his-story-to-federal-agents/

https://www.wptv.com/news/national/...after-being-deceived-russian-mail-order-bride

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeand...ne-wife-internet-romance-industry-online-scam

https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/tec...ng-scam-nigerian-connection/story?id=61047106

 

[pacergal]

OP--
Congratulations on your financial success.
I don't believe you will be happy in a relationship if you are not happy with your life as it is.
Be happy with yourself first.
I second the caution on the "sponsorship" relationship. With the way the internet is and scams go, I would have so many red flags up, especially when you say this person has literally nothing to offer financially. Before even considering going further, is there anyway you could actually go to his/her country and meet/visit for some time?
I also agree your would be better off meeting someone local via interest groups, hobbies, local religious affiliation (if you have one), etc.

The most important thing is not to base your happiness in life on finding/being in a relationship!
Many people can live very rewarding lives by themselves.

 

[cyber888]

Have you thought about moving out of Toronto and in a low cost area ? You said you met someone .. maybe Asia ? Why don't you live there. I knew a guy who wanted to marry an Asian. He retired .. he had less than you .. he move and lived in Asia for 5 years with his pension .. met his wife and now he's back in the US. He's happy.

 

[youbet]

I can't speak from personal experience since DW and I started dating at 16, married at 22 and are still very much together in our mid-70's. But I have 3 very close, kindred spirit, long term buddies, who went "significant other" hunting late in life.

Long story short, I observed that the 2 who looked for friendships based on common interests and life outlooks/philosophies wound up with romance and real bonding. The guy who focused on romance wound up with a series of short, volatile relationships which always started with the new person being infatuating and the "best ever" but ending with that person being some sort of creep.

 

[BadAtGolf]

Everyone is different, but IMO, a persons income potential should have zero weight in your decision to date them. You’re looking for someone who can make you happy, and earning potential adds nothing to that equation of you ask me.

I can’t speak to the foreign dating pitfalls that others are warning of, but I wouldn’t turn someone away who I like just because they being little to the relationship terms of money.

 

[youbet]

OP--

The most important thing is not to base your happiness in life on finding/being in a relationship!

Agreed!

Many people can live very rewarding lives by themselves.

But you don't have to be "by yourself" to put enjoyment into a commitment-free life. Folks today often date over long periods of time, have long term friends, enjoy the company of one or two "special" people in group settings, etc. There is a lot of space between being by yourself and being committed to one person.

 

[youbet]

Everyone is different, but IMO, a persons income potential should have zero weight in your decision to date them.

Agreed. But it might have an appropriate role in deciding whether you want to make a long term commitment to them.

 

[daylatedollarshort]

I think a lot of people focus on meeting the right person instead of self improvement to make themselves the right person for a large number of potential partners. I'd work on being a happy, positive person others want to be around. After that dating is somewhat of a number game. The more people you meet, either in person or online, the more chances you have of finding someone you are compatible with. One thing I see in our friends who are still dating is the ones who aren't trying to date someone out of their league looks wise have a much easier time finding and maintaining long term relationships.

I agree with others on the foreign romance. You might just be getting along with that person because they are telling you everything you want to hear so that you will be their sugar daddy. The Dr. Phil show has a lot of material from people getting conned like that.

A lot of our mental health actually starts in our gut. If you are depressed the first place I'd look would be your diet - Antidepressant foods: An evidence-based nutrient profiling system for depression - https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6147775/

 

[BadAtGolf]

Agreed. But it might have an appropriate role in deciding whether you want to make a long term commitment to them.

The person is 34 with $1M+ in the bank and earning a ton of money. It's his life, but for me, I don't see why a potential spouse/partner's income potential has any relevance. Especially if he is admittedly frustrated/sad/upset at his dating life.

My two cents - loosen up. Throw your list away and go on lots of dates. Build up some confidence, have fun, and see what happens. You may find that your list isn't as important as you once thought or you may find that it's very important and may even add to it. Either way, I would get out and start dating.

I know that's easier said than done and I don't mean to diminish what you're feeling. I personally don't think that love is something you can plan for like you do with your finances. I think you have to put yourself out there and enjoy the ride.

 

[Major Tom]

First of all, congratulations on getting to $1.25M at the age of 34. That is truly impressive. I'm at $1.25M at the age of 58. It took me an awful lot longer! As you seem to realize, amassing such a solid stash at your age means that, financially, you have the space to do quite a lot of coasting if you want. Not much to worry about there. We don't know what your income requirements in ER would be, but you seem to be comfortable with the idea that $1.5M would be enough for you, so I'll take your word for it.

As for the relationship bit well, that's not quite as straightforward

You say that your relationship expectations are high. I wonder if what you really mean is that they are quite narrow and fairly specific. Honesty in relationships can be a tricky thing. None of us is ever 100% honest with even our closest partner - or even ourselves, for that matter. Obviously, honesty is necessary with many of the big issues, though even there, many of us are imperfect from time to time. My take on it is that integrity is more important than absolute honesty, though a serious commitment to the pursuit of honesty is important, and admirable. We're all flawed and, just as we need others to give us a break sometimes, we need to do the same with our nearest and dearest. The qualities that can help a person amass a good stash of money at an early age are not necessarily the qualities that can help us in relationships.

Hopefully, that last paragraph wasn't too much of a ramble, and that there were some useful thoughts in there. The online situation you mention seems, as we put it in the UK, "well dodgy". As others have said, the online world can be useful for some initial screening, and to set up meetings, but there are too many ways in which people can hide their true nature online. Heck, even in real life, people can hide their true selves in plain sight for an awful long time!

In short, congratulations on amassing the money. Now, to concentrate on a different skillset for the relationships (friendships as well as romantic). In my experience, getting to know myself has proved to be a lifelong journey, and it's essential for a good relationship.

 

[Midpack]

As others have said, joining organizations that are involved in activities you enjoy is a great avenue. Your SO may never find you if you’re not out there.

FWIW two of my (well to do) professional co-workers met their wives on match.com after years of no luck just dating haphazardly. I don’t know if match.com is still a good service, or if there may be others better in CA, but both of the guys I know have been married for more than 15 years so they made great matches. Both women were/are professionals in their own right…

 

[Gumby]

....
You say that your relationship expectations are high. I wonder if what you really mean is that they are quite narrow and fairly specific. ....

When I was in the big law firm in NYC in the 2000s, I worked with a few women associates in their mid to late 20s (so about 20 years younger than me). They had money of their own and were hardworking, intelligent and attractive, yet they often had difficulty on the dating scene. Once, when one of them was lamenting her lack of success to me, I asked her what she was looking for in a young man. She had a list as long as my arm, one that was very, very specific. I thought, and told her so, that there was probably no one man in NYC who could jump through all of her hoops. I suggested gently that maybe she would do better if she just met guys and listened to her heart. First find a nice young fellow who moved something in her, and then decide if there were any deal breakers. And while some of the items on her list probably should be deal breakers, they couldn't all be.

 

[youbet]

The person is 34 with $1M+ in the bank and earning a ton of money. It's his life, but for me, I don't see why a potential spouse/partner's income potential has any relevance. Especially if he is admittedly frustrated/sad/upset at his dating life.

My two cents - loosen up. Throw your list away and go on lots of dates. Build up some confidence, have fun, and see what happens. You may find that your list isn't as important as you once thought or you may find that it's very important and may even add to it. Either way, I would get out and start dating.

I know that's easier said than done and I don't mean to diminish what you're feeling. I personally don't think that love is something you can plan for like you do with your finances. I think you have to put yourself out there and enjoy the ride.

Well, not exactly. We know OP's new worth increased by about $300k in a year. But that included CG's on a million buck, all stock portfolio in a huge up year in the markets. Those CG's might not repeat for eternity and we're not sure what his current earned income from working is.

I keep "dating" and having wonderful, life expanding friendships separate from the legal commitment of marriage. I agree with you 100%, no worry about a date's financial situation since, as the guy, he's most likely going to foot most of the dating costs anyway. But depending on the particular circumstances, I think a date's future earning potential (particularly if at an extreme high or low) might appropriately play into some commitment decisions.

 

[tmm99]

I wouldn't even start speculating on the earning potentials of those women.

When someone has no financial means in some foreign country wanting to date a foreigner in a wealthy country... I would be too worried about their ulterior motives. I used to work for a company that built plants in developing countries and many single men got sent over to those countries. Some of those men who didn't have much of a chance in the US became very handsome/sexy/desirable in those countries. And they never seemed to wonder why.

 

[CRLLS]

When I was in the big law firm in NYC in the 2000s, I worked with a few women associates in their mid to late 20s (so about 20 years younger than me). They had money of their own and were hardworking, intelligent and attractive, yet they often had difficulty on the dating scene. Once, when one of them was lamenting her lack of success to me, I asked her what she was looking for in a young man. She had a list as long as my arm, one that was very, very specific. I thought, and told her so, that there was probably no one man in NYC who could jump through all of her hoops. I suggested gently that maybe she would do better if she just met guys and listened to her heart. First find a nice young fellow who moved something in her, and then decide if there were any deal breakers. And while some of the items on her list probably should be deal breakers, they couldn't all be.

DW's cousin was the same way. A list of must-haves has kept her single all of her adult life.

To OP, far from me to give love/dating advice. I would be very skeptical on bringing a foreign person to the USA for matrimony. Especially with such a difference in financials. Too much to go wrong and the possibilities of being a true relationship is so low. Not that it is impossible, but be realistic. Assuming there is no problem with her spending too much while together, could you live on half of your current nest egg should the relationship turn South?

But there is hope. DS finally found a spouse at age 40. There is still time for you to find the right person. You must put yourself out there, even if it is through an online dating site.

 

[Major Tom]

I suggested gently that maybe she would do better if she just met guys and listened to her heart. First find a nice young fellow who moved something in her, and then decide if there were any deal breakers. And while some of the items on her list probably should be deal breakers, they couldn't all be.

This is great, and realistic advice.

There is still time for you to find the right person.

And, I might add, there is plenty of time for you to become the right person, that others will want to date. I am not suggesting that you are wildly imperfect (though aren't we all!) However, we often focus on finding the "right" person, and forget to consider our own attitudes and behaviors. In other words, would you want to date you?

Best of luck, RioIndy. You are in great financial shape for such a modest age.

 

[Music Lover]

DW's cousin was the same way. A list of must-haves has kept her single all of her adult life.

I used to work with a miserable woman....60 pounds overweight, demanding and whiny. Brought the mood down in every room she entered. She was always upset that she couldn't find a perfect 10.