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Old 09-08-2020, 04:03 PM   #41
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I don't think there's any harm in helping your kids in their early 20s to have a strong financial start. Why not give it to them now, where it can make a big difference, instead of after you're gone?

Of course, I'd never let my kids live with me and not work or help out. But if they can avoid paying 2k+/month in rent for living with me for 5 years, that's at least a 100k they were able to save towards a down payment when they are in their mid-20s. Seems like a good deal and it costs me very little.
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Old 09-08-2020, 04:09 PM   #42
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Our boys were on their own in their twenties and struggled to different degrees. But once they married and had kids we incentivized them to move closer to us and bought townhomes for them each to live in with their families. They’re supposed to pay the carrying costs and one is doing so. The cost of twins made it too much of a burden for the one son, so for now we’re letting it go. At least we see the grandkids a lot!
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Old 09-08-2020, 04:15 PM   #43
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It seems sad to me the parents that tell 18 year olds they are on their own.
That happened with a guy I knew in HS. His father told him he had a week (maybe two?) to move out after HS graduation. Not having a lot of options he enlisted in the Navy. He could have done worse of course, but I never heard from him again.

So much depends on the personalities of the people involved. I myself didn't really "launch" until age 24, but it wasn't because I couldn't. My father had died, and I was the live-in "handyman" for a house that my mother could not possibly have kept up by herself. I only moved out after a sister boomeranged back with a two-year-old after her divorce and I was working rotating shifts. Shift work and two-year-olds do not work well together so I got an apartment. There was no drama, it was simply "time". I lived close enough to still do the maintenance stuff as needed, lawn mowing, snow clearing, fixing faucets and the like.

About ten years later I myself boomeranged back after my divorce. At age 35 living at my mother's house was NOT where I wanted to be but the house needed some deferred maintenance done, I needed a cheap roof overhead, and most important, I had a plan that limited the time to 18 months and it worked. I saved my money and bought my own place as planned. To make a long story short while there I hauled out a lot of the stuff/junk that my Depression-era parents had so far refused to get rid of and Mom finally saw the necessity of getting rid of it. I repainted the entire interior that hadn't been painted for 25+ years (including white enamel on all trim work) and got the lawn in better shape than it had ever been. She didn't charge rent (house was paid for) but I did volunteer to pay all the utilities, and did so. Suffice it to say that I was not watching a lot of TV, it was a pretty busy 18 months. Mom was on a waiting list for a CCRC and when that opened up and the house went on the market, it sold in three days.

So it can work out.
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Old 09-08-2020, 04:19 PM   #44
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I moved in to live with my parents for three years. It was the best move I made out of college before venturing out on my own.
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Old 09-08-2020, 04:40 PM   #45
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Freeloading, partying behavior doesn't happen because someone turned a certain age but has roots in how the child was raised.
You are correct that those behaviors you mentioned don't occur because someone turned a certain age. But they don't always happen because of a poor upbringing. Our oldest son eked his way through his senior year of high school. This, in spite of education being a priority in our household and both of us as his parents doing our best to give our kids the best possible upbringing.

Children eventually reach an age of accountability and will make their own choices and decisions; sometimes consistent with their upbringing and sometimes counter to it.

To categorically state that poor decisions on the part of young adults are rooted in their upbringing is just not true.
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Old 09-08-2020, 05:53 PM   #46
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You are correct that those behaviors you mentioned don't occur because someone turned a certain age. But they don't always happen because of a poor upbringing. Our oldest son eked his way through his senior year of high school. This, in spite of education being a priority in our household and both of us as his parents doing our best to give our kids the best possible upbringing.



Children eventually reach an age of accountability and will make their own choices and decisions; sometimes consistent with their upbringing and sometimes counter to it.



To categorically state that poor decisions on the part of young adults are rooted in their upbringing is just not true.


I couldn’t agree with you more. My 50 plus years have taught me never to throw stones. I’ve seen so many children from the same parents go in different directions. Some more reflective of the upbringing and some not so much. I’ve also seen people thrived despite horrible childhoods and parents. I think brain chemistry has something to do with it. In my own personal experience, we provided a wonderful home and good upbringing to our two children. One thinks her parents walk on water and one blames her parents for her anxiety and depression. Go figure.
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Old 09-08-2020, 06:54 PM   #47
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You are correct that those behaviors you mentioned don't occur because someone turned a certain age. But they don't always happen because of a poor upbringing. Our oldest son eked his way through his senior year of high school. This, in spite of education being a priority in our household and both of us as his parents doing our best to give our kids the best possible upbringing.

Children eventually reach an age of accountability and will make their own choices and decisions; sometimes consistent with their upbringing and sometimes counter to it.

To categorically state that poor decisions on the part of young adults are rooted in their upbringing is just not true.
I feel like your son. I eked my way through and I had super supportive parents. It was total accountability issues, or a lack of accountability.

I eventually found my accountability when a sweet little thing came hopping along my crooked and windy path.
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Old 09-08-2020, 09:45 PM   #48
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Originally Posted by candrew View Post
You are correct that those behaviors you mentioned don't occur because someone turned a certain age. But they don't always happen because of a poor upbringing. Our oldest son eked his way through his senior year of high school. This, in spite of education being a priority in our household and both of us as his parents doing our best to give our kids the best possible upbringing.

Children eventually reach an age of accountability and will make their own choices and decisions; sometimes consistent with their upbringing and sometimes counter to it.

To categorically state that poor decisions on the part of young adults are rooted in their upbringing is just not true.
CANDREW,

I'm sorry my post was clumsily put and I should have qualified it. What I was trying to express was that turning eighteen doesn't turn someone overnight into a freeloader. You are correct that some parents do everything right and their kids still aren't able to take advantage of the opportunities they were given. I grew up in a large family and witnessed the different avenues that each kid took despite being given similar advantages. There is nature and nurture and some kids have a lot of nature. My kids are not perfect and have had different issues. I try to be a source of support in their lives while at the same time allowing for them to grow strong.
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Old 09-08-2020, 11:07 PM   #49
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My youngest son is 40 and is living with us. He was teaching English and math in Vietnam and loved it. Then schools closed and he lived off of savings. After 4 months he came back. He moved here in April and couldn’t find work despite having a master’s degree. He recently returned to IT as a contractor and would like to get his own place. Rents have skyrocketed and we told him he is welcome to stay here and continue to save for awhile. He does contribute money towards food. He plans to return once Vietnam opens. He also helps around the house. It’s a unusual and unexpected situation. We had downsized to a smaller house but still have a guest bedroom. He hasn’t lived with us in decades.
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Old 09-09-2020, 05:09 AM   #50
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Probably a poor reflection on us as parents, but all 3 of ours left at 18, even though they were welcome to stay as long as they were in school. They went so far as to take out loans in order to finance their "freedom" from us. One was still finishing HS (living with a buddy.)

With that as background, some 12 or 15 years later, we are much closer. I think mom and dad got much "smarter" and a lot more lovable once the kids got a taste of the real world. I AM quite proud of all their accomplishments and independence! None ever hinted at returning, though a couple did ask for money. We were quite happy to help with down payments for homes. Perhaps that qualifies for "remotely" returning to the nest. YMMV
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Old 09-09-2020, 05:16 AM   #51
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I graduated college at 21, then lived at home for 2 years. Moving out at 23 y.o. made me more mature. Learned how to shop, cook, clean, budget, etc.
If a child in their 30's is still living at home, it usually is not a good reason.
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Old 09-09-2020, 06:06 AM   #52
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My 26 yr old son graduated early this year.
He moved in with his sister for a few months, then moved in with us just for a long goodby, before moving to Canada and marry his girlfriend. Then Covid hit, he couldn't travel, time passed and the relationship fell apart.
So, he has been with us since about March. We are fine with it, he's working part time while sending out applications for a chemistry job.

He has talked about moving and I told him, stay as long as you can stand it, and save up some money. If you move, you will spend over $1,000 more per month that you can be saving.
I'm 65 and having him around has got me more motivated, working together we have got a lot of projects done around the house.
For years I have lamented the fact that I never taught him all the mechanical skills that I got from my dad. He was always to busy playing video games. I'm making up for it now! I now have him using tools, skilsaw, grinders, mitersaw, radial arm saw, drillpress and assorted hand tools.
Also we are designing small projects and building them. We poured a concrete pad, he now knows, he doesn't like that :-). We built a roof overhang above the grill. We dissembled a pontoon boat and salvaged the aluminum. Installed a gate in our chain link fence. Did an electromechanical project for him, a computer racing game accessory.

Anyway, I'm glad he's staying with us!
I'll be even happier when he gets a chemistry job.

This Covid has put a damper on so much.
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Old 09-09-2020, 07:33 AM   #53
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I graduated college at 21, then lived at home for 2 years. Moving out at 23 y.o. made me more mature. Learned how to shop, cook, clean, budget, etc.
If a child in their 30's is still living at home, it usually is not a good reason.
I know some Latino and Asian families. Some have the tradition of their kids regardless of age living with their parents. When they get married, the kids move out.
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Old 09-09-2020, 07:34 AM   #54
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I wonder how much of this is a trend, vs. a side effect of COVID and the high unemployment rate.



What a terrible year for those graduating college or high school to enter the job market. It's hard to get your own place without a job.
Unemployment dipped to 8.4% in August, a 3% drop.

I've got 2 kiddos in college now and living at home. I keep stressing them to start putting away for retirement now, before considering moving out ... or they may very well end up like me, having to make up for all the lost years that I didn't contribute.

I run some figures for them, but suggest that they start by putting away at least $20/week, and every raise they get keep upping that until they're putting away at least $5,000/yr on a regular basis. It only took me 2 1/2 years to talk them into it.
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Old 09-09-2020, 07:45 AM   #55
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I was the youngest of many cousins. I remember discussions among aunts and uncles at family gathers regarding "room and board" being charged to my non-college cousins. Usually, they were drinking a bit and hence freely sharing tips I overheard.

I thought it was outrageous! Parents charging kids rent. Seriously?
I just talked about charging my oldest two room/board. The reason why, is because they've been frivolously spending on a bunch of things that aren't necessities and have somewhat low income and not many hours worked, and are talking about moving out only because they want to move out - not because they don't like us parents. This while they're going to college.

My stipulations will be to put it into a separate savings account for each of them so that they have money available in a savings account that they don't see, which will be used for when they actually do move out and/or if they get in a tight financial bind, but to be returned to them in full after they have moved out of the house for 2 years.
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Old 09-09-2020, 10:31 AM   #56
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My son just turned 21 and out of college with a heavy diesel degree. He is currently working at a warehouse, but making alot of overtime, and moved out to a really nice apartment in February, and doing well.

My 26 year daughter lives 1/4 mile down the road in a 16x80 house trailer, that we installed a few years back on a 1 acre lot that we bought cheap from a neighbor. We paid for all of it, but she is making payments back to us, and doing well.

We REALLY don't want them having to move back in, so we are helping them out wherever possible.
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Old 09-09-2020, 02:02 PM   #57
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When I started my job, after I had moved away, mom and dad financed my modest car purchase at 0%. I paid them 1/20th every month. After 6 months, they said: "Well done, forget about the rest."

Great parents! I think they just wanted to make sure I had discipline. So, for sure, mom and dad helped me a lot in my early 20s. They just did it in an educational way.
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Old 09-09-2020, 02:48 PM   #58
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Our parents gave us a choice. Go to university and stay at home until you graduate and start your career or leave home after high school and be completely disowned. We applied the same rules, my brothers applied the same rules and the kids followed the rules and are better off for it. I see too many kids today living in much more affluence with much better technology than we had growing up and doing absolutely nothing with their lives. Many people I went to high school with who did nothing with their lives but party, still depend on their parents who are in their eighties for support. One of our neighbors, who are in their seventies, are still working because their daughter who is now in her late forties still needs their financial support. She bounces from one bad boyfriend to another. The self entitled generation needs a wake-up call.
That was the deal in our home- go off to college or find a job right away and move out. I wasn't in a happy home, and I didn't really have much interest in college. Unlike my DD the chemical engineer & my DB the Geophysicist, I didn't have the STEM mindset at the time. My major was music.

While I lived a few tough years (living in less than desirable places), I did finally find my groove and was making good money by the time I was 23. By the time I was 30 I was making great $. I have no regrets.
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Old 09-09-2020, 03:47 PM   #59
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I went to college with the intent of not moving back home. I came home for the first 2 summers but worked. The summer between my junior and senior year, in 1978, I lived off campus while I worked a Megacorp internship. The internship paid me $250 a week for 12 weeks. I shared a house with 2 other friends, we all had our own bedrooms. my share of renting the house for 3 months was $225. One week of my internship covered my rent for the summer. In 2020 dollars, that is about $994/week, with a summer housing cost of $894.

When I graduated from college in 1979, Megacorp started me at $16,500 a year, or $1,375.month. Apartments in the area started at $250/month. I chose a nice, large apartment in a good complex in a good neighborhood for $325/month. In 2020 dollars, my monthly salary would be $4,907, and my monthly rent would be $1,160. My rent to income ratio was well below the recommended level, and I did not have to share my apartment with anyone.

I believe those numbers I started with are tough to come by for young people in these days. I could be wrong. I would want to look at the current income and housing costs being encountered and compare them to my own, on an inflation adjusted basis. The national unemployment rate was 6%, but inflation was at 13%.
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Old 09-09-2020, 04:01 PM   #60
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After my college graduation I would have lived under a bridge rather than return to my parent’s home. Not a pride thing, we just needed the distance, and that allowed us to get much closer to each other.

Moving out after college (or before) is much more common in the US than elsewhere in the world, and partly because housing is more affordable here. In many other parts of the world children return to parent’s home after college until they get a job and can same enough money to leave. The cost of living is just too high, especially in cities. The US is a special place.

Our 3 all returned after college and spent a few years with us. That was a good time, as I enjoy the company of my children much more as adults. Almost as much as I enjoy just being home with DW.
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