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Old 10-21-2017, 12:13 PM   #61
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After your mom passes and you receive your portion, move.

Change your names if needed, but put both brothers in the rear view mirror. You already don't get along with them. You can assume that your mom will not set up anything, and that even if she does, the others will find a way around it. Cut them both loose before that happens.
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Old 10-21-2017, 01:43 PM   #62
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DO NOT PERMIT THE LAWYER SON TO BE INVOLVED IN THE WRITING OF THE WILL. MOTHER NEEDS HER OWN ATTORNEY.
FWIW to this non lawyer, that would seem to be a huge conflict of interest and good grounds to contest the will.
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Old 10-22-2017, 02:16 AM   #63
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It sounds to me that you are dealing with people called "Crazy Makers". That is they will drive you crazy by inflicting their problems and issues on you and then making you responsible for the results, especially if the results are bad.

Crazy Makers are people who create storm centers in their own lives and the lives of others. The book "The Artists Way " describes them very well, and that chapter is worth reading even if one has no interest in being an artist.

https://marionann.wordpress.com/2015...ay-crazymaker/

Huh. I always said Someone should write a book about my family. Looks like Someone finally did.
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Old 10-22-2017, 08:02 AM   #64
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Originally Posted by Brat View Post

DO NOT PERMIT THE LAWYER SON TO BE INVOLVED IN THE WRITING OF THE WILL. MOTHER NEEDS HER OWN ATTORNEY.
FWIW to this non lawyer, that would seem to be a huge conflict of interest and good grounds to contest the will.
Yes, this is kinda scary. Looks like it has already happened. Considering what OP said:

Quote:
.. Oldest brother and I don't get along, he tends to disagree with any advice I give mom, so won't be an easy discussion. Oldest brother is executor and a family law attorney, he wrote her will. ...
With that relationship, who knows? The lawyer brother could pull out a (legitimate) Will that no one else has seen before. Could be anything, leaving OP out entirely?

This is a clear conflict of interest, I wonder if the Bar Association would have anything to say about it? Regardless, it doesn't look good, and even the appearance of the opportunity for conflict should be avoided in touchy situations like this.

-ERD50
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Old 10-22-2017, 08:15 AM   #65
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To clarify: If some stranger guy were taking advantage of your mother, talking her out of money and such, would you tolerate that? If some stranger guy received a large inheritance, spent it all and now wants to live with you and have you pay his bills, would you tolerate that? I think the answer would be NO in both cases. So why should you tolerate it because, by accident of birth, the guy happens to be your brother?
I agree with your sentiments Gumby. And I've been telling my sister that for years now. At some point when she runs out of money and becomes homeless unless I help her, I guess I'll find out if I really feel this way.
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Old 10-22-2017, 09:11 AM   #66
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I agree with your sentiments Gumby. And I've been telling my sister that for years now. At some point when she runs out of money and becomes homeless unless I help her, I guess I'll find out if I really feel this way.
Once again, it's not a binary option, frugal or homeless. I know plenty of people who don't seem to have two nickels to rub together, but they manage to have a place to live and food to eat. Yes, they might have problems paying for some things that I would consider needs (meds, health care, etc.), but they aren't homeless. Homelessness usually comes with some other condition besides profligacy, like significant mental illness or a major cocaine addiction, something like that. Bankruptcy, foolish spending, and the like can land you in a crappy living situation, but doesn't usually put you out on the street.
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Old 10-22-2017, 09:50 AM   #67
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Once again, it's not a binary option, frugal or homeless. I know plenty of people who don't seem to have two nickels to rub together, but they manage to have a place to live and food to eat. Yes, they might have problems paying for some things that I would consider needs (meds, health care, etc.), but they aren't homeless. Homelessness usually comes with some other condition besides profligacy, like significant mental illness or a major cocaine addiction, something like that. Bankruptcy, foolish spending, and the like can land you in a crappy living situation, but doesn't usually put you out on the street.
Agree completely and I think the OP is jumping to a lot of conclusions..MY nave pretty 17 year old niece and her friend, wanted to go down to the waterfront in their local town and hand out goody bags,sandwiches and candy to the street people. I gently suggested to her that lots of street people have either drug problems or mental health problems and that her time might be better and more safely spent working with and volunteering with a legit homeless shelter. She sneeringly told me that was BS, and that some of these people were homeless because they had missed just one or two house payments. She said that was all it took to turn into a street person. I told her oh honey, that's not even close to reality......
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Old 10-22-2017, 10:03 AM   #68
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Once again, it's not a binary option, frugal or homeless. I know plenty of people who don't seem to have two nickels to rub together, but they manage to have a place to live and food to eat.
A very valid point.
My relative lives in a manner I would never consider reasonable because he has steadfastly refused all advice for decades. But he is actually happy with his lifestyle because he lives it entirely on his own terms without interference. To each his own.
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Need Annuity advice-brother is foolish with money
Old 10-22-2017, 05:28 PM   #69
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Need Annuity advice-brother is foolish with money

Convince mom to set up the trust...
If your brother gets pod who cares he either gets over it or he wont.
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Old 10-23-2017, 07:01 AM   #70
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I have siblings and I give some free advice. They seem to think I know what I am talking about but they all do what they want anyway.

He's not going to listen to whatever you suggest, so if you decide you care enough, I guess the one out of the box solution you could do is fork over the money for an annuity in his name to cover minimal living expenses and gift it to him.
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Old 10-23-2017, 08:10 AM   #71
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and then he would sell the annuity cash flows to some on-tv-at-night outfit and blow the proceeds and you would have accomplished nothing other than flushing money down the toilet.
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Old 10-23-2017, 08:57 AM   #72
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I have siblings and I give some free advice. They seem to think I know what I am talking about but they all do what they want anyway.

He's not going to listen to whatever you suggest, so if you decide you care enough, I guess the one out of the box solution you could do is fork over the money for an annuity in his name to cover minimal living expenses and gift it to him.
That has been suggested. The main concern that others have brought up is that if the annuity is in his name he could simply sell it for cash - think "J. G. Wentworth".

The primary problem is that the OP (youngest brother) wants to guarantee some financial safety in the older brother's life, but the older brother's lifestyle of past spending makes this unlikely. He is concerned that any attempt will be resented by the older brother, and that the oldest brother who has enabled the middle brother in the past will continue to do so.

It's the classic "how do you help someone who doesn't want to help themselves?" Almost anything one would suggest that is practical and reasonable will probably be resented, as this doesn't fit in with the way the other person lives and what he/she considers important in their life. Yet the same individual will, when the support for their lifestyle and choices is exhausted, come to you for support because "you are family."

If you say no, the other will feel resentful towards you. If you say yes, you will feel resentful towards yourself and the other because you know that this person is where they are because of the hard choices they didn't want to make.

An "enabled" individual is almost like someone with a addiction - that person is not likely to change until in a situation where change is the only alternative. The youngest brother realizes this and doesn't want to be in the position of being an enabler, as he has already seen the results.

Family stuff can ge tough!
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Old 10-23-2017, 10:12 AM   #73
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... The main concern that others have brought up is that if the annuity is in his name he could simply sell it for cash. ...
I disagree with "others." I think the main concern should be the inflexibility of an annuity. With a trust and a HEMS directive, the trustee can react to circumstances like a terminal illness, a need to buy a car, need for home care due to injury or illness, any one of hundreds of other things that could change in brother's life. The trust can also control what happens to the trust assets upon brother's death.

Just as an example, our trust documents for our sons include HEMS language but also say: "It is not our intention that our son will be able to stop working prior to his normal retirement age."

OP's mother could direct something like: "The trustee is directed to give high priority to preservation of capital to ensure that the trust will not be exhausted prior to my son's death." Just riffing here, IANAL, but compared to trusts an annuity is a really dumb and inflexible robot, unsuited to the unpredictability of life.

IMO anyway.
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Old 10-23-2017, 11:03 AM   #74
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Agreed. 😁
I was simply addressing the previous poster's comment about an annuity.

I believe anything that the mother should strive to do in this case if her desire is to truly HELP the brother with an inheritance is to set up the way he recieves it to be in such a way that it will support him in a reasonable manner for as long as the funds may last.
It will likely not be what he may want, and he may never come to appreciate that it was done out of a mother's love for her child.
The mother is concerned because she cares.
The oldest brother has enabled because he cares.
And the OP is trying to figure out the best way to help in this situation because he cares.
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Old 10-23-2017, 04:58 PM   #75
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The different perspectives are insightful , reading your replies helps. I appreciate each of you.

Mom and I talked last night, she accepts she enabled his behaviors & resulting mess. She wants to fix it and trusts me with financial advice.

Thank you ERD50, I did not know a fixed annuity could be sold for a lump sum. I predict that would be the outcome ( curses on JG Wentworth!).
As CaptTom said, brother #2 already has the money mentally spent, he will use all his energy and talent to get the full annuity sum immediately. That was so obvious but I hadn't yet considered that outcome.

I'm following up on MarieIG's and OldShooter's advice, a HEMS trust may be the solution. I will start researching and discussing with the attorney we use.

My relationship with brothers is already strained, we are civil to each other at family events once or twice a year. That is the only time we speak.
I don't hate my brothers, but they are narcissistic and rude, not people I want to associate with, so I minimize contact with them.

However Brother #2 will most likely be a homeless street person if Brother #1 dies first. That outcome would definitely haunt my conscience, which will prevent me from completely abandoning him.
My good wife has already made it clear we scrimped, did without living very modestly, saved & invested for 35 years building a retirement nest egg while Brother #2 goofed off and travelled. She will not agree to support him one cent- I understand and will support her.

Thus my desire to resolve while mom mentally can, even if that hurts Brother #2's pride.

Thanks!
Well in another thread you talk about how on the ball your Mom is, she tracks her finances and she speaks to her FA monthly. I have to think if she wanted another way to deal with your brother she would find it on her own. Are you sure she's just not telling you what she thinks you want to hear? This really isn't any of your business at this point and no good can come of it. Trust your Mom to do things the way she wants to, even if it doesn't agree with your ideas. You seem to have contempt toward both your brothers, since your DW doesn't want you to fund spendthrift brother I suggest you start finding a way to not give a rip. I think you are on the path to borrowing trouble and most of us have enough without borrowing other peoples issues. If I was your sib and I was told you wanted my share of the money put in trust because you don't want to support me when I'm a homeless bum, I'd tell you to get off your high horse and take a hike.
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