Parents resent our FIRE plan

[DINKFIRE]

Hi I'm new to the forum and I hope to get some suggestions on our situation.

We are DINK couple in our early 40s with no kids. We both work full time and have been planning to retire in the near future. We have accumulated significant amount of investments (45 times of our annual spending), and we have no mortgage or other debt. We track every dollar we earn and spend for over a decade and live well below our means. We both have stressful jobs and we've been counting towards the day we leave the daily grind behind.

We have told our parents about our plan, and they laughed at us first, then recently they told us they are spending their money as fast as they can so we won't inhere anything from them if we retire early, which we are not planning to anyway. However, they also told us they are spending at least ten thousand dollars monthly on average, and their financial adviser projected them to run out of money in 20 years. they suggest that if we can't afford to spend ten thousand dollars a month in retirement, we are not ready to retire.

They travel many times a year domestically and internationally, often on luxury tours to exotic places with their much wealthier friends. They dine out more often than eating at home, go to all sorts of expensive events and parties, and spend frivolously on stuff they already have, just to impress their friends.


My concern is that they would overspend their wealth and will have to count on us to support them later on, and we will have to go back to work when we are in our 60s to do that. It just doesn't seem fair that we would live a frugal lifestyle and have to pay for their exorbitant lifestyle.

 

[JDARNELL]

You have your household and they have theirs. There is nothing that says you have to take care of them in their later years. I would tell what your plan is and for them to enjoy their money. You can only control what you can control and if you choose to help them later in life you can make that choice then. It’s not uncommon for families
To try and control other generations with the threat or promise of future funds.

 

[Bestwifeever]

Why did you tell them?

 

[GravitySucks]

Since they told you they are not leaving you anything give them fair warning you're not taking care of them financially if they out live their resources.
DM worked forever and was not happy that I bailed at 54. I have and do help her a bit but will stop as she is getting a small windfall and is already talking about buying DSis and her family things. She was also mighty self righteous when the market had its little downturn in 2015. Thought that it proved I was nuts to go live my life and stop the corporate merry-go-round and that Id be back in the grind soon.

 

[gwraigty]

My concern is that they would overspend their wealth and will have to count on us to support them later on, and we will have to go back to work when we are in our 60s to do that. It just doesn't seem fair that we would live a frugal lifestyle and have to pay for their exorbitant lifestyle.

No, you don't have to go back to work to support them in their elder years. IMO, parents have an obligation not to make themselves burdens on their kids, if it can be helped. In your case, it sounds like your parents are being deliberately cruel. I wouldn't give them any help, financial, or otherwise. I'm serious.

 

[Aerides]

Why would you feel obligated to help them out given they are intentionally doing this to themselves, with fair warning? I mean it's one thing if an elder parent needs some help or never had much, but in your shoes I'd move far away from them, let them know you expect them to plan for their lives and you wish them luck and that's all.

 

[Amethyst]

My first thought is that they are just being parents, and rather flippantly warning you that there may not be an inheritance to "count on" if your FIRE doesn't work out as planned, so you should think twice about FIRE. You, being FIRE forum members, already know not to "count on" any inheritance - but they don't know that.

I didn't necessarily see it as "We will run out of money while we are still alive, and you'll have to keep working forever so we won't have to go into the Old Folks' Home on Medicaid."

But you know them better than I do.

Hi I'm new to the forum and I hope to get some suggestions on our situation.

We are DINK couple in our early 40s with no kids. We both work full time and have been planning to retire in the near future. We have accumulate significant amount of investments (45 times of our annual spending), and we have no mortgage or other debt. We track every dollar we earn and spend for over a decade and live well below our means. We both have stressful jobs and we've been counting towards the day we leave the daily grind behind.

We have told our parents about our plan, and they laughed at us first, then recently they told us they are spending their money as fast as they can so we won't inhere anything from them if we retire early, which we are not planning to anyway. However, they also told us they are spending at least ten thousand dollars monthly on average, and their financial adviser projected them to run out of money in 20 years. they suggest that if we can't afford to spend ten thousand dollars a month in retirement, we are not ready to retire.

They travel many times a year domestically and internationally, often on luxury tours to exotic places with their much wealthier friends. They dine out more often than eating at home, go to all sorts of expensive events and parties, and spend frivolously on stuff they already have, just to impress their friends.


My concern is that they would overspend their wealth and will have to count on us to support them later on, and we will have to go back to work when we are in our 60s to do that. It just doesn't seem fair that we would live a frugal lifestyle and have to pay for their exorbitant lifestyle.

 

[aja8888]

Mention to your parents that you hope they have long term care (LTC) insurance because you don't have any plans to support them when they run out of money and need living assistance. See how that goes over....

 

[DINKFIRE]

Thank you for your responses so far. It seems easy to say that we are not responsible to support them later on, but it is much harder to do so, especially when have good relationship so far. I don't believe they deliberately trying to make us pay for their elder years, it's just that they are not happy we want to retire early, and not having grand children. It is hard to predict when life will throw a curve ball at you, so if they fall in hardship a decade down the road due to illness, even though they could have ride it out if they keep a healthy saving, we would not be in the right to not help them. To tell them that we won't support them financially will definitely damage our relationship.

 

[timo2]

The story of the rabbit and the tortoise comes to mind.

 

[aja8888]

Understand how you feel about taking care of them someday, but it would be appropriate to inquire if they have LTC since they expressed to you that they expect to blow all their money without mentioning any concern for "the older years".

 

[easysurfer]

Seems like a very fair trade. Parents say to you "Don't expect any inheritance" and you say to parents "Don't expect any support when they get old and dependent". Life is about choices.
I would jump at the deal and get it in writing. I just joking (or not ) about the in writing part.
Welcome to the board.

 

[youbet]

Why did you tell them?

+1

The issue is all with OP. The parents can live as they wish. Hey, if they're living a spendy lifestyle and a FA thinks they'll run out of money in 20 years, that's their business. And who knows what the FA is basing this on? Perhaps wants to sell them an annuity?

OP and spouse need to go on with their plans, live their own lives and let the parents live theirs. Having your parents in financial trouble and you're unable to help later in life (60's projected per OP) isn't unusual.

 

[DINKFIRE]

Understand how you feel about taking care of them someday, but it would be appropriate to inquire if they have LTC since they expressed to you that they expect to blow all their money without mentioning any concern for "the older years".

Thank you for the suggestion, and I'll definitely inquire about their LTC insurance. One reason that make me concern the most is that their mother is still alive and well in her mid-90s, but they plan to run out of money years younger, even though they are very healthy and live an active lifestyle. They also take risk in retirement, such as borrowing a large short-term loan to buy a new home before selling their existing home already with a mortgage. The old home is still on the market after multiple price reductions while they paying thousands a month on both. We don't try to control their finance since they have their own adviser. We suggested they to avoid unnecessary risk such as the home purchase, but they did not listen. I think it might be the invincible boomer syndrome.

 

[DINKFIRE]

+1

The issue is all with OP. The parents can live as they wish. Hey, if they're living a spendy lifestyle and a FA thinks they'll run out of money in 20 years, that's their business. And who knows what the FA is basing this on? Perhaps wants to sell them an annuity?

OP and spouse need to go on with their plans, live their own lives and let the parents live theirs. Having your parents in financial trouble and you're unable to help later in life (60's projected per OP) isn't unusual.

Well we live very close to our parents (30 minutes drive) and we get together on weekly basis. Right now we don't provide financial support to each other, but if we retire early, they will know. There's no keeping secret with parents.

 

[pb4uski]

Seems like a very fair trade. Parents say to you "Don't expect any inheritance" and you say to parents "Don't expect any support when they get old and dependent". Life is about choices.
I would jump at the deal and get it in writing. I just joking (or not ) about the in writing part.
Welcome to the board.

+1 The parents have told the OP that they are going out of their way to spend what they have so the OP doesn't get any inheritance... in part because they object to the OP's plan to retire in their 40s. In that situation I don't understand why the OP would feel any obligation to help the parents if they should miscalculate and not have any money left for their later years... that is what SS and Medicare and Medicaid LTC are for.

If I were the OP I would just be clear that I understood that there will be no inheritance but at th same time that my financial plan does not include providing monetary support to the parents should they run out of money and see what happens.

P.S. I wonder if the parent's ire has more to do with no grandchildren than with the OP retiring early.

 

[pb4uski]

.... To tell them that we won't support them financially will definitely damage our relationship.

But it is a-ok the other way around? Telling you that they are intentionally spending as much as they can so you won't get any inheritance?

We've told our kids not to count on an inheritance as well. It is highly likely that they will get some, and a posibility that it will be substantial... but we wouldn't overspend for spite.

I guess that you don't need to tell them if it will damage the relationship... you can be silent and then just refuse to help out later on and explain why.

Or send them a link to this thread.

 

[Amethyst]

This jumped to my mind, also. Parents concerned about not carrying on the family line...and pointing out that children are there to take care of you when you get old (at least, in their minds that's the way it works).

+

P.S. I wonder if the parent's ire has more to do with no grandchildren than with the OP retiring early.

 

[ivinsfan]

Thank you for the suggestion, and I'll definitely inquire about their LTC insurance. One reason that make me concern the most is that their mother is still alive and well in her mid-90s, but they plan to run out of money years younger, even though they are very healthy and live an active lifestyle. They also take risk in retirement, such as borrowing a large short-term loan to buy a new home before selling their existing home already with a mortgage. The old home is still on the market after multiple price reductions while they paying thousands a month on both. We don't try to control their finance since they have their own adviser. We suggested they to avoid unnecessary risk such as the home purchase, but they did not listen. I think it might be the invincible boomer syndrome.

Repeat after me, Not my problem....and don't ever had another money conversation with the two of them.

 

[Bestwifeever]

Did you tell both sets of parents? Sounds like just one set?

Our kids are a bit younger than you and we are very close and I have no idea of their finances beyond a voluntary reveal ten years ago by DD to reassure us that they could afford IVF treatment on their own. Don’t know otherwise, don’t want to know, haven’t known since they got out of college. We celebrate job changes and promotions when they happen. If they decided to RE I doubt they would ask our input about it, they would let us know when it happened.

I wouldn’t take your parents (or your inlaws?) comments too seriously—they probably just want you to not be including a potential inheritance in your decision and tried to be humorous about it. I bet they are just fine financially. “Spending our kids’ inheritance” is something we old invincible boomers like to laugh about.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I find your parent’s attitude very odd. I have 3 kids and no grandchildren. It my kids decision and none of my business. I would let your parents know you have no plans to support them. They have plenty of money and are being foolish with it. If it damages the relationship then it’s not strong to start with. I would be happy for my kids if they were in your situation. Your parents are using emotional blackmail and I would nip that in the bud now.

 

[bingybear]

Many people in early/normal retirement travel quite a bit. This often slows as they age and health degrades.

With our last parent who is now in assisted living care, we still are over there about every day to make sure every thing is going right. The parent has the assets to cover her living situation, but some help from a interested party (child in this case) is often needed.

It sounds like both need to take a step back and re-think how to discuss things with each other. It sounds like you both are at the "he's after our money" stance.

You both need to step back and try to listen to what the other is trying to say.

The FIRE idea is likely foreign to the older set. It could take a bit to internalize what you are telling them.

 

[Mdlerth]

There's no "CSI: WV" because all the DNA's the same

Did you tell both sets of parents? Sounds like just one set?

Sounded to me like there's only one set. Perhaps OP is from West Virginia.

 

[REWahoo]

...it's just that they are not happy we want to retire early, and not having grand children.

(My bold)

Odds are this is the root cause of their attitude toward your financial plans.

 

[gwraigty]

Thank you for your responses so far. It seems easy to say that we are not responsible to support them later on, but it is much harder to do so, especially when have good relationship so far.

Maybe you and I have a different definition of a good relationship.