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Old 05-12-2017, 04:29 PM   #121
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Originally Posted by daylatedollarshort View Post
Dustymom, I'm glad you found a middle road on helping out. I hope your BIL and SIL do follow through with their plan and things work out for them.
+1

And thanks for starting this very interesting thread that I think has been helpful to many folks here.
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Old 05-18-2017, 07:27 PM   #122
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I have lent to siblings who have never repaid or even mentioned repayment. One sibling's family has twice our income and needed an emergency $5K years ago to fix a roof that was about to fall in. I lent hundreds to a friend who was so broke he was eating next to nothing, then he got a $36K disability backpay settlement and still repaid nothing. I know responsible people can't understand how people who were in a fix can so cavalierly blow off repaying loans, but I have come to understand their way of thinking.


It's this:
You had money when they didn't. Obviously you don't need money, and you'd have to be a jerk to hound them to repay the loan because you don't need the money. Why, if THEY had money and YOU needed some, they'd be right there for you! And they wouldn't be so petty as to be upset about not getting paid back until it was convenient for you.


That's how they think. In their minds, they imagine that the tables could be turned and to justify their non-repayment, they convince themselves that they would never hound you for repayment until you were ready. Because they are never going to be "ready" to repay.
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Old 05-18-2017, 08:48 PM   #123
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Originally Posted by prudent_one View Post
I have lent to siblings who have never repaid or even mentioned repayment. One sibling's family has twice our income and needed an emergency $5K years ago to fix a roof that was about to fall in. I lent hundreds to a friend who was so broke he was eating next to nothing, then he got a $36K disability backpay settlement and still repaid nothing. I know responsible people can't understand how people who were in a fix can so cavalierly blow off repaying loans, but I have come to understand their way of thinking.


It's this:
You had money when they didn't. Obviously you don't need money, and you'd have to be a jerk to hound them to repay the loan because you don't need the money. Why, if THEY had money and YOU needed some, they'd be right there for you! And they wouldn't be so petty as to be upset about not getting paid back until it was convenient for you.


That's how they think. In their minds, they imagine that the tables could be turned and to justify their non-repayment, they convince themselves that they would never hound you for repayment until you were ready. Because they are never going to be "ready" to repay.



LOL... probably correct....

I watched a judge show and one guy had told the person who lent them money that the lender would never be out of money as long as he owed him.... kinda lines up with what you say...
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Old 05-18-2017, 08:50 PM   #124
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Originally Posted by fancy free View Post
Timely article:

“You might think—or at least hope—that a polite, openly religious person who gives his word would be among the most likely to pay back a loan. But in fact this is not the case. This type of person, the data shows, is less likely than average to make good on their debt.”

Generally, if someone tells you he will pay you back, he will not pay you back. The more assertive the promise, the more likely he will break it. If someone writes ‘I promise I will pay back, so help me God,’ he is among the least likely to pay you back. Appealing to your mercy—explaining that he needs the money because he has a relative in the ‘hospital’—also means he is unlikely to pay you back. In fact, mentioning any family member—a husband, wife, son, daughter, mother or father—is a sign someone will not be paying back. Another word that indicates default is ‘explain,’ meaning if people are trying to explain why they are going to be able to pay back a loan, they likely won’t.”

How to Predict If a Borrower Will Pay You Back
If you have to rely on an article to determine who to lend to, especially one with that kind of a quote, I would say it is best to stay out of the lending business.
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Old 05-18-2017, 08:53 PM   #125
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No good deed goes unpunished. Especially when it comes to lending money to family.
I agree with some earlier advice. If you feel you have extra, just give it. If a family member really can, they will give it back, just don't expect it.

You might find another more deserving family member and give them some money. Like a niece getting ready to go to college. They will appreciate it more and are more likely to pass on the favor when they get old.

Better to pass on good behavior, rather than bad.
That being said, you can still have them over for dinner when they are short money or help him find some work that doesn't require being mobile.
You can't beat yourself up for other people's poor planning.
Don't pick them up (give money), but you can lend a hand (advice,support).
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Old 05-18-2017, 09:20 PM   #126
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Quote:
Originally Posted by prudent_one;1883469}...... but I have come to understand their way of thinking.

It's this:
You had money when they didn't. Obviously you don't need money, and you'd have to be a jerk to hound them to repay the loan [B
because you don't need the money[/B]. Why, if THEY had money and YOU needed some, they'd be right there for you! And they wouldn't be so petty as to be upset about not getting paid back until it was convenient for you.

That's how they think. In their minds, they imagine that the tables could be turned and to justify their non-repayment, they convince themselves that they would never hound you for repayment until you were ready. Because they are never going to be "ready" to repay.
Its possible, but can you really find an example where they gave approximately the same amount to someone else ? lending a cig or $20 does not count, they might do that for pride.

Otherwise the reason could be:
They think "He is stupid and soft and will give us some money if we ask a bunch of times, if not someone else will. After all it's only fair, he has extra".

The thought of them giving to someone does not happen.
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Old 05-19-2017, 03:31 AM   #127
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Several years ago we found out that my BIL (not the most responsible person in the world) ended up needing a new car. He also had relatively poor credit.

My wife and I actually put up a $1,000 deposit for him at an auto center in order for him to purchase a used car. We actually volunteered to help him out since he had been employed for a few years and was essentially staying out of trouble. Plus it was a good feeling to be able to step in and help.

Anyway, the BIL was adamant about paying us back but I refused to acknowledge this due to the fact that when giving someone money it is so much easier to give the money with no expectations of ever being paid back. That way, we are not set up with being disappointed.

I would never do this for anyone on a recurring basis due to the fact "that if you do this more than once - folks will take advantage of you."

By the way, once a distant sister heard about us giving the BIL $1,000 then she wanted to contact us and ask us for help. Another relative intervened and discouraged her from asking us.

Michael
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Old 05-19-2017, 10:30 AM   #128
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Decades ago my sister loaned me $ to pay for a divorce. I paid her back every penny. I really appreciated what she did for me. I do not understand not paying someone back.
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Old 05-19-2017, 12:03 PM   #129
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.....By the way, once a distant sister heard about us giving the BIL $1,000 then she wanted to contact us and ask us for help.
....
Yes, in the category of "no good deed goes unpunished"!

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Decades ago my sister loaned me $ to pay for a divorce. I paid her back every penny. I really appreciated what she did for me. I do not understand not paying someone back.
I loaned a friend $3,000 to divorce his gold-digger spouse back a number of years ago and he promptly paid me back in about 6 months. She had tapped him dry and moved on to another mark. Today, we both agree that it is the best $3,000 that he has ever spent.
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Old 05-19-2017, 01:24 PM   #130
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fancy free View Post
Timely article:

Generally, if someone tells you he will pay you back, he will not pay you back. The more assertive the promise, the more likely he will break it. If someone writes ‘I promise I will pay back, so help me God,’ he is among the least likely to pay you back. Appealing to your mercy—explaining that he needs the money because he has a relative in the ‘hospital’—also means he is unlikely to pay you back. In fact, mentioning any family member—a husband, wife, son, daughter, mother or father—is a sign someone will not be paying back. Another word that indicates default is ‘explain,’ meaning if people are trying to explain why they are going to be able to pay back a loan, they likely won’t.”

How to Predict If a Borrower Will Pay You Back
Fascinating!

Quote:
Someone who mentions God was 2.2 times more likely to default. This was among the single highest indicators that someone would not pay back.
Coming from an ultra-religious background, this hits a bit close to home. However, recent years have proven it to be true, in our experience. Same reason I never do business with people who use religious iconography and appeals in their marketing and signs.

Probably a bit of a hot topic there, so I'll stop while I'm ahead...
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