Originally Posted by runchman
It is scary having daughter(s), isn't it? As a guy in our childbirth class (wow 12 years ago already) said, "we're having a boy.... I only have to worry about one dick - you have to worry about all of them!"
You're going to want this:
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be considered incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME______________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT____________ WEIGHT_____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #____________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES____________________________________________ _
HOME ADDRESS__________________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP_____
Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent?__________ If NO, explain:
Number of years married________If less than your age, explain __________________________________________________ ______________________
Do you own a van?_____ A truck with oversized tires?_____ A waterbed?_____ A pickup with a mattress in the back?_____ A condom?_____ Pornography?_______
Do you have earring, nose ring, or a belly button ring?________ A tattoo?___________
(IF YES TO THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES. RUNNING IS RECOMMENDED.)
In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to You?_______________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you?___________________________
In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you? __________________________________________
Church you attend_________________________________ How often you attend_______
When would be the best time to interview your:
priest______________ parole officer_______
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be my________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my________________________
C: A woman's place is in the_______________________________________________ _
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is_____________________
E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is_________________________
NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue. Leaving premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.
What do you want to do IF you grow up________________________________________
What is the current going rate of a hotel room?____________________________________
Condoms come in packages of (circle one):
E: ALL OF THE ABOVE
How do you know?________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
Signature (that means sign your name, moron)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury) If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch your back).