Was just curious what you as a parent would do in this situation

[Bryan Barnfellow]

From a personal perspective:

When my widowed mother passed away she left 2/3 of her estate to one of my brothers and a sister, both of whom lived near her all their lives and devoted a great deal of time and energy to her care, home maintenance, doctor's appointments, etc. The other 1/3 went to the other children (it was a large family) to be shared equally.

Two of my siblings in the 1/3 group asked me to join them in a proposed lawsuit to prevent this "unequal" distribution. They asked me my opinion and I said that I was sorry she didn't leave everything to the two who got the 2/3 share. They weren't happy with my response and the lawsuit never materialized.

I think there was some element of feeling less loved by the 1/3 group; but for me it was only about what was right.

With my share I bought a painting that still hangs in my home. Every time I look at it I think of my mother.

-BB

[cat4ever]

Quote:

Originally Posted by disneysteve Religious fanatics? Ultra right wing conservatives?

I'm with you except for the above. So there's a religion/politics litmus test for who's the goodie and who's the baddie? Sounds like the parents are willing to look around any differences here, but the daughter isn't. If they continually push their values on her that's one thing, and is covered by the controlling part. But to cancel someone, especially immediate family, because they happen to have different values is another IMO.

[razztazz]

Quote:

Originally Posted by cat4ever I'm with you except for the above. So there's a religion/politics litmus test for who's the goodie and who's the baddie? Sounds like the parents are willing to look around any differences here, but the daughter isn't. If they continually push their values on her that's one thing, and is covered by the controlling part. But to cancel someone because they happen to have different values is another IMO.

That's not what he's saying and you can substitute Ultra right wing conservatives with left wink kooks. I agree with disneytsteve in that you can't really know who the "good guys/ bad guys" are in these situations by reading an article. Children can go bad despite the best home. Reasons? Who knows? But parents always think they're perfect. They want credit for everything and responsibility for nothing. And all sides tend to be self serving with facts.

As far as should they cut her out of the will? They're is no "should" here. Another thing people like to do as if there is always a universal norm to go by. It's the parents money and they are entitled to proceed IAW their perceptions. Call 'em like they see 'em and only they can make a valid call. No one reading the article can do more than opine.

[JustCurious]

Quote:

Originally Posted by disneysteve Several replies so far seem to assume the daughter is the one who is in the wrong here. Interesting. What if just the opposite is true? What if the parents are the baddies? What if they were super controlling? Abusive? Religious fanatics? Ultra right wing conservatives? Truly toxic influences?

It's interesting that you included "ultra right wing conservatives" but not "ultra left wing liberals."

[MRG]

My family included bipolar and manipulative family members who wanted to make sure "you were doing it right"(whatever that means). If we had kids our assets would be equally be equally distributed without regard to our relationship.

Given my family history that would be the only thing I could do. I would have disowned my father if my mom wasn't married to him. If you asked him the problem was me and my wife. I quit being his kid when he blamed me for my brother's suicide.

Maybe there's more to the story?

[cat4ever]

Quote:

Originally Posted by razztazz That's not what he's saying and you can substitute Ultra right wing conservatives with left wink kooks.

That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying even if you substitute "left wing kooks" or "raving satanists" here, that's still no reason to cancel immediate family for that reason alone. If those things led to controlling and abusive psychological behavior or physical abuse then sure, but that part was already covered elsewhere in the statement.

But don't get me wrong. overall I do agree, we really don't know who the "baddies" are here from hearing from just one side

[mpeirce]

Quote:

including her in your will is a statement — regardless of your personal disagreements and differences in worldview — that you loved her unconditionally.

What does giving money people have to do with loving them?

Parents leave their assets to their kids by default, sure, but there isn’t a rule that says that this must be so. That’s why we have wills in the first place - to make our wishes known.

Lots of people spend all their money or give it away instead of leaving it to their kids. Does Warren Buffet not love his kids because he’s leaving them only a small sliver of his assets?

Give your kids the best start in life you can and as they become adults the rest is really up to them.

[jazz4cash]

I’d be inclined to somehow direct her share to her children if she has any. I’m taking the article at face value esp given the difference in attitude among siblings.

[JRon]

Her beliefs wouldn’t make me cut her out, but if she wants nothing to do with us then I would redirect her inheritance to charity, given in her name.

[nhcycling]

Make it an even distribution. We don’t know both sides of the story. That’s all I have to say.

[jkern]

Since we know only what the article states, we will never know who is good and who is bad. I think we just go with two kids have no problem with the parents and one kid does. Then, should the parent split the estate two ways or three ways.

Since I'm an only child and I only have one kid, this is completely uncharted territory. My first guess is that I would not cut off the kid completely, but reduce her portion by some percentage.

One thing in the article strikes me as very strange, their children have no idea that they have a Net Worth of $6M. Even if money is a taboo subject, I would think it wouldn't be too difficult to approximate their NW based on their standard of living and/or life time careers.

[tb001]

Quote:

Originally Posted by disneysteve Several replies so far seem to assume the daughter is the one who is in the wrong here. Interesting. What if just the opposite is true? What if the parents are the baddies? What if they were super controlling? Abusive? Religious fanatics? Ultra right wing conservatives? Truly toxic influences? Maybe the daughter grew up and got out in the world and came to realize how bad they really were. Should she be punished for that? I say no to disinheriting her, at least not with a lot more info than what is given here. We’re only seeing one side of the story and of course the mom thinks she did no wrong. Abusers generally don’t.

My thoughts exactly. I knew several people who cut off ties with their parents and several who didn’t but probably should have. In all cases, their parental relationships were very difficult to maintain. Suffocating and filled with unrealistic expectations/desire for control. The exception would be those caused by addiction.

If my kids cut me out of their life I would take a good hard look in the mirror. Unconditional love and acceptance of them and the people in their life *almost* always can prevent this outcome. And I’m sorry for those struggling with this. I know it’s very painful. I’ve just seen the other side.

As to the inheritance, parents don’t owe their kids anything IMO. They can do whatever they want, including giving zero to everyone and donating it to charity. Just know that if one child is cut out, that only serves to further damage sibling relationships down the road.

Fwiw, IMO, addiction is another ball of wax. My mother has managed this by splitting things equally in her will, but leaving me to manage my siblings portion, with limitations on how it is paid out. At one point my mother and her husband had made the decision to leave everything to my brother and one of her husbands screwup kids, having me and my non screw up step brother manage it. That was the only time I said something.

[Sunset]

Quote:

Originally Posted by jkern .. One thing in the article strikes me as very strange, their children have no idea that they have a Net Worth of $6M. Even if money is a taboo subject, I would think it wouldn't be too difficult to approximate their NW based on their standard of living and/or life time careers.

There are many reasons why the Net Worth statement might be inaccurate/accurate:

• The kids may actually have a good idea of the net worth, it might be the parent that is wrong in thinking the kids have no idea.
• Could be the parents don't have a lavish lifestyle, and look lower middle class.
• Could be the parents had normal savings until the last decade, and due to lucky stock picks now have $6M.
• Finally, people often view things with their own perspective, so a parent going on vacation and getting a new car every 8 yrs and owning a house, might be what the kids are doing by simply living on a lot of debt. They could think the parents are the same and does not mean there is a pot of cash lying around.

[MichealKnight]

I'm only 46, so my 13/9 YO kids are still cute, and are still under illusion that I'm very smart and they take my advice, we all get along, etc. Eventually I'm sure they'll figure out I'm not all that

Point being - I'm not even close to that stage as a parent so I don't know what it feels like, what the dynamics are - but I'll still put in my opinion.

*This assumes that the article - the Mom - is telling the truth and whole truth. I find in these situations - only the participants have the whole truth*

If this were one of my kids, and I feel I did right by them, raised them, gave them educations, and gave them more than a 'fair shake' at a successful/happy life......here's what I'd do:

1.)Divvy up MOST of the rogue-daughter's share of inheritance amongst the other kids, or other people or even causes I cared for.


2,)I don't know if such a mechanism exists....

But I'd take around 100,000, (inflation adjusted) future dollars and put it in a rather strict trust.....where the adult child *has* to prove that she is truly in danger of not having basic food, shelter, or non-elective health care.

I think I'd be upset- to the point where I don't want to fund luxuries and vanities.....but it's still my kid, so I probably would like to make sure she at least has a sandwich and a roof.

And I'd look at DW like I do sometimes today, half-kidding but with a loving smile.....and say "yeah, 2 kids being brought into today's world is great, you were right. And it's so much better than just you and me taking vacations at will like we used to. This is more fulfilling"

[tmm99]

I don't think it matters why the child is not associating with the parents. Maybe the father was physically abusive to the kids growing up and the mom defended the dad. Even then, it doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter if the kid has a legitimate reason to dislike their parents. How I look at is, the money the parents have is their money. They should be able to do whatever they want with their own money.

She says "Are we being vengeful or malicious to consider dropping her, or just realistic and practical? Should we give her the benefit of the doubt and demonstrate our love unconditionally, and leave her in our will? "

I think she needs to answer these questions herself. Nobody else can answer them for her. If she's conflicted and can't decide, talking to someone like a therapist may help her clarify her feelings and maybe she can make up her mind.

I knew a man who gave each of his kids a huge monetary gift when they were younger (which he feels ruined two of the three kids' lives), he left $0.00 to them when he passed.

My mom (if she had money) would give both of her children an equal amount although my brother treated her like crap years ago and cut ties.

[W2R]

I have one child. Thankfully she has turned out well. That said, to answer the question: To me it doesn't matter what she does, or what hateful words she says; she will always, ALWAYS be my child no matter how much grief she causes me.

I cannot envision a scenario, including the one described, in which I would leave nothing to her. An important aspect of my role as parent (even in such a scenario) is to provide her with the best possible example of what a mature, responsible adult would do. Hopefully she would eventually "come around" but if not, at least I would have fulfilled my responsibilities to her.

I might feel differently if I had other heirs who desperately needed the money, but luckily that is not the case.

[OldShooter]

Quote:

Originally Posted by pb4uski +1. If she has made a conscious decision to no longer be part of the family then she isn't entitled to any of the benefits of being part of the family.

This. If circumstances or attitudes change in the future, the estate plan can change as well. Changes are not difficult.

We have a DIL who is, for good reason, no longer in her parents' estate plan. She feels she is very entitled and been very demanding and insulting to her dad and stepmother. It has been several years since there was any communication. She has also shown us the entitled behavior. She is going to have quite a surprise when her multimillionaire dad passes. DW and I approve of his decision.

[SJ1_]

It is just one side of the story but they have the money so YES I would cut them out

[FANOFJESUS]

I think kids will come around. I try to live my life by the Bible. I think over time kids see that these other roads are dead ends.

[ivinsfan]

I'm with W2R...after you are dead you have no voice and cutting out a child is the end with no future in site. I'm going to go out hoping my last gesture towards a child was one of kindness not a closing of the door forever.



.


And for the people who said they would cut out a child that's fine too if it's what you want.