Was just curious what you as a parent would do in this situation

[FANOFJESUS]

I would not cut out a child no matter what. I see relatives work hard for nieces and nephews. I don't do that but a child is different.

 

[Chuckanut]

I would give a brief summery of the article with a quote or two.

OK, I broke down and read some of the article.

My opinion is that we don't have enough information to make a judgement. We are getting only one side. I do think the easiest way to insure bad blood between your children after your passing is to unevenly divide up your estate among them.

OTOH, they bad mouthed you on social media. Who do they think they are? Prince Harry and Megan? But, if they didn't do it in some far removed country and didn't get paid a nice bundle for the TV rights, I would let that pass.

IOW, don't aggravate the issue for your other children. Split evenly. Your grandchildren may also appreciate it.

Things happen we can't plan for. She is being foolish. I knew of a guy who totally rejected his entire family like your daughter did. Until..... He needed a kidney transplant. Oops! He forgot these things can happen.

 

[Jerry1]

Yes and it’s often mental illness. Happy and well adjusted adult children just don’t cut off their parents unless the circumstances are extreme. No parent is perfect but I’ve seen situations where adult children blame their parents for innocuous things.

In a similar vein, the parents can suffer from mental illness or substance abuse that they are unwilling/unable to address. Sometimes the people around them (the children) have no choice but to disassociate themselves for their own preservation. It’s sad no matter what direction it flows from.

 

[Sue J]

My sister is in a situation like this. Her older son, age 41, has not spoken to her in years. He got married and she was not mentioned in the announcement and was not invited to the wedding. She has never met his wife or his 2 children. She used to have hope for a reconciliation but has given up by now.

Due to her 2nd marriage she will have plenty to leave in her will. She is close to her younger son. I don’t know what she has planned. Maybe she has left something to her older son or his kids, but I wouldn’t blame her if she didn’t.

 

[travelover]

Not sure why the OP would even post this. It looks like another opportunity to have one more battle in the current culture war. Nothing to do with ER.

 

[DaveInMi]

Based on the article, cut her out. If she stops this juvenile behavior and apologizes for her stupid words, then maybe consider if she is telling the truth and let her back in.
Was she raised as a spoiled brat or is a product of this new "woke" educational system?

 

[Scuba]

Maybe another option would be to give money with a warm hand rather than a cold hand. Sharing assets that you will not need in the hearse with the children that want to participate in a family vacation, or funding grandchildren's' 529 plan might help reduce that end of life nest egg.
If the wayward child wants to opt out of those opportunities, that is their choice...plus you may be able to see the joy in receiving those gifts while you are alive.

Great approach!

 

[Scuba]

Her beliefs wouldn’t make me cut her out, but if she wants nothing to do with us then I would redirect her inheritance to charity, given in her name.

I like this idea too.

 

[Amethyst]

And divorce can cause children to take sides drastically. They may cut the less-favorite parent out of their life, subconsciously seeking to please the favored parent.

Yes and it’s often mental illness. Happy and well adjusted adult children just don’t cut off their parents unless the circumstances are extreme. No parent is perfect but I’ve seen situations where adult children blame their parents for innocuous things.

 

[old medic]

Sounds like my wife's Sister... and she will show up out of the past with her hand out and expecting...
My child would be left $1 and the title to an outhouse....

 

[Sunset]

....
OTOH, they bad mouthed you on social media. Who do they think they are? Prince Harry and Megan? But, if they didn't do it in some far removed country and didn't get paid a nice bundle for the TV rights, I would let that pass.
.....

If my kids badmouthed me on TV/social media for some Millions of $$$ , like Prince Harry and Megan probably did. I would congratulate them and encourage them to do it again

I like all my children to be successful.

 

[Sunset]

My Aunt died, she left my Sister $50K. I got nothing.
My Sister did visit our Aunt about 5 times a year , whereas I didn't.
Who do I blame for the unequal inheritance ..... My Aunt !

This unequal inheritance didn't cause bad blood between myself and Sister, and I don't really blame my Aunt either.

Funny part is my Sister was thinking she was getting the house worth $500K. She actually talked quite a bit about the Aunt's $$ before the Aunt died, so I'm pretty sure a number of the visits had some motivation behind them.
Maybe my Aunt thought of this too.
The $500K house went to another niece instead..

 

[youbet]

If a child did not want to be burdened with a relationship with me, I see no reason to burden the child with an inheritance.

An adult "child" is not entitled to an inheritance.

^^^^
This.

I'd take it a bit further. It's likely, IMHO, that the estranged daughter would actually find the inheritance insulting and a final effort on the part of her parents to push themselves into her life where they are definitely not wanted. In these situations, it's generally a painful situation for the parents and a satisfying situation for the child. For the sake of all, cut the strings and let it go.

As a parent, I can tell you that's easy to say but hard to do..........

 

[mpeirce]

If anyone is considering disinheriting a close relative, definitely talk it over with a good lawyer. You need do it right, even so, lawsuits can easily happen - especially if the money is significant.

 

[Running_Man]

I think parents have a large impact on their children, even when the children attempt to toally disown them. From Bob Dylan, who disowned his parents and in multiple magazine interviews in the mid 60's claimed he had no family, when his dad died:

"Though we lived in Hibbing, my father from time to time would load us into an old Buick Roadmaster and we’d ride to Duluth for the weekend. My father was from Duluth, born and raised there. That’s where his friends still were. One of five brothers, he’d worked all his life, even as a kid. When he was sixteen, he’d seen a car smash into a telephone pole and burst into flames. He jumped off his bicycle, reached in and pulled the driver out, smothering the driver’s body with his own — risking his life to save someone he didn’t even know. Eventually he took accounting classes for Standard Oil of Indiana when I was born. Polio, which left him with a pronounced limp, had forced him out of Duluth — he lost his job and that’s how we got to the Iron Range where my mother’s family was from...

In the short time I was there, it all came back to me, all the flim flam, the older order of things, the Simple Simons — but something else did too — that my father was the best man in the world and probably worth a hundred of me, but he didn’t understand me. The town he lived in and the town I lived in were not the same. All that aside, we had more in common now than ever — I too was a father three times over — there was a lot that I wanted to share, to tell him. Now there would be no way to say what I was never capable of saying before, . ."

I think parental humility is the way to go.

 

[VFK57]

I would let her live as she wants, if she forgets about your existence (calling on birthdays, holidays, coming to visit at list once in a while), than I would surely cut her off. Everyone has disagreements, arguments, sometimes quarrels with kids. However, kids must respect their parents, who raised them and provided them with all necessities till they got to adulthood. That is the basic human value.

 

[JT90505]

I think Mom is totally clueless about her own role in the separation and needs to grow up and take some responsibility for what she has done.

 

[Sunset]

If anyone is considering disinheriting a close relative, definitely talk it over with a good lawyer. You need do it right, even so, lawsuits can easily happen - especially if the money is significant.

Correct.
When my Mon disinherited my brother, it was stated very clearly in the Will why she was disinheriting him, she made it clear she had considered him and considered him unworthy of inheriting anything.

This was to avoid the common lawsuit reason of: "She simply forgot to put my name down, it was an oversight".

 

[springnr]

https://www.bogleheads.org/wiki/Variable_percentage_withdrawal
Someday your now will cease. Sharing now appeals to my rational side.

 

[Souschef]

When my mother passed away, my sister inherited all that was left after years of care.
I did not resent it at all, as she and my BIL were handling all her affairs and visiting her a number of times a year.
They EARNED it!
OTOH, my younger son was estranged from me for many years due to the stories my ex told him.
However, a number of years ago, we reconnected, and have been close ever since.

 

[Gallaher]

I’m the father of five: biological, adopted and step. I have kids every way you can. What does unconditional love have to do with money/inheritance? That’s just dollars. When I set up our family trust the first question the lawyer asked was: “do you want to disinherit any kids?” Must be common. I have a few kids that would burn through million $ inheritance in just a few years. Others not so much. I have a nephew whose addictions would kill him if he had $10K. It would not be a blessing to gift him anything. Better to let him live hand to mouth.
OP, you earned it saved it. You should blow that dough, indulge the loved ones you are in touch with maybe bless grandkids with educational funds.
I will likely leave loved one out of my will. I have a very similar situation with two kids. I love them dearly have tried to contact them. Will probably leave them little or nothing because I can barley find them.
I don’t feel good or bad about it, it’s just money. I earned and saved it.

 

[2177V]

I would fire a warning shot across the bow: "If you do not change your behavior and respect your parents, then I have no choice but to donate my wealth to charity after I pass away".

 

[beernutzbob]

My in laws thought correctly that my sister in law was horrible with money. They bequeathed all their estate to my wife with the provision that she hold half for the benefit of SIL to be given to her at my wife's discretion.

We have for over a decade given SIL an allowance but held on to the bulk of what would have been her part of the inheritance which was high 5 digits.

If SIL had directly inherited the money it would be long gone. In the wind.

Thankfully both my adult daughters are responsible but if one of them weren't I would have no problem doing what my in laws did.

 

[meleana]

No. Equal to all children.

 

[MuirWannabe]

My in laws thought correctly that my sister in law was horrible with money. They bequeathed all their estate to my wife with the provision that she hold half for the benefit of SIL to be given to her at my wife's discretion.



We have for over a decade given SIL an allowance but held on to the bulk of what would have been her part of the inheritance which was high 5 digits.



If SIL had directly inherited the money it would be long gone. In the wind.



Thankfully both my adult daughters are responsible but if one of them weren't I would have no problem doing what my in laws did.

We have essentially done this with my alcoholic son. Except that his third of any inheritance will go into a trust. That trust is managed by a trust department in a local bank. With my two daughters serving in advisory capacity with the bank trustee. I just didn’t want to put the primary responsibility on my two daughters. Concerned about their maintaining as good a relationship as possible with their brother.

Hopefully we can solve any concern by spending all our money and leaving little inheritance. Although I doubt that’s what happens.