Was just curious what you as a parent would do in this situation

[cyber888]

Would you cut your kid's inheritance ?

https://www.marketwatch.com/story/m...million-inheritance-11627061416?siteid=yhoof2

 

[Irishgirlyc58]

No, I would not.

 

[ivinsfan]

As with everything, there is more to this story ...Mom isn't as clueless as she appears.

 

[FlaGator]

A little better than the usual MarketWatch...

Snips from the article, didn't bother with the advice columnist to stay focused on the question of disinheriting wayward offspring.
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"However, sometimes the fruit rolls very far from the tree. We have a daughter who lives in a different state and has refused to communicate with us for over two years, and simply doesn’t want us to know anything about her life. She has criticized and mocked our family’s values, and even accused us of things that never happened.
She did this both on social media and in person

She has told us that we are toxic parents, and she doesn’t need the stress we create for her with our beliefs. OK. That’s how she feels. We are very hurt by her words and accusations, and her siblings are also perplexed and think that she’ll get over it.
We have tried to contact her, but we are ignored. She has made her point clear. She is married and has
a good profession — and, I assume, a happy life without our “stress.”"
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Cut her out.

It appears she hasn't reconciled her upbringing and her relationship as an adult with her parents, something all of us have to do. Until that kid (no, she's not really an adult) gets a reasonable perspective on her youth and the benefits her parents bestowed upon her, I'd leave her out. Hopefully she comes around soon.

 

[jollystomper]

I would not cut her out. You never know what may happen in the future. We had a child similar to that situation for several years. Would not talk to us. Blamed us for not keeping him out of jail (our attitude: "you do the crime, you do the time"). We knew their residence and phone number, but chose to leave him alone. We never thought about reducing his inheritance. Then one evening out of the blue he calls us, saying he wanted to build a relationship again. We do not agree on some things. But the love is there. He has been very open about his jail time in his work and on social media to counsel and help others, and now tells people "It was nothing my parents did, I was immature and listened to the wrong people".

No guarantees, but I have learned in this situation that the high road is best. By cutting them out completely, you move to their level. They can always choose to refuse the inheritance if you leave it to them. But let them make that decision.

 

[daylatedollarshort]

I would not cut her out. You never know what may happen in the future. We had a child similar to that situation for several years. Would not talk to us. Blamed us for not keeping him out of jail (our attitude: "you do the crime, you do the time"). We knew their residence and phone number, but chose to leave him alone. We never thought about reducing his inheritance. Then one evening out of the blue he calls us, saying he wanted to build a relationship again. We do not agree on some things. But the love is there. He has been very open about his jail time in his work and on social media to counsel and help others, and now tells people "It was nothing my parents did, I was immature and listened to the wrong people".

No guarantees, but I have learned in this situation that the high road is best. By cutting them out completely, you move to their level. They can always choose to refuse the inheritance if you leave it to them. But let them make that decision.

Glad to hear your situation had a happy ending.

 

[jollystomper]

Glad to hear your situation had a happy ending.

Thanks. The biggest lesson we learned is patience. We never assumed a quick turn of mind. We just took it day by day, and did nothing to embarrass him to others, but left the door open that thankfully he returned to.

 

[Jerry1]

Interesting. In my immediate family, this situation exists. Parents were divorced and one son doesn’t speak to mother and another son doesn’t speak to father. Been that way for decades. I’m sure both have been removed from respective inheritances. I guess I agree. They don’t want to engage with the parent so why would the parent leave anything to them. If there’s ever a change, the will could always be changed. Even if not reflected in the will, the other siblings could share (yeah right) the inheritance if they felt the reconciliation was sincere.

Now, would I do that to my daughters? Yeah, I think I would. Thankfully, there are no signs of that level of disfunction between me and DW vis-à-vis our daughters.

 

[brett]

Never.

I come from a family where it passes down in equal proportions.

Extending primarily to children but also in equal proportions to grandchildren.

The one and only exception might be a child or a grandchild with a serious long term addition challenge that would lead to the monies evaporating.

 

[Sunset]

They published my letter !

Ok, not my letter but close.

I think of Karla Holmoka's parents, loving her unconditionally even after she murdered her younger sister... No limits to their love.
That's NOT me.


My Mom, in her Will cut out my brother, as my brother had left in a huff, and cut off my parents for decades. He is so distant, I have no idea if he is alive or dead, nor which country he lives in.

So while in general my default is to evenly split everything, I realize now that perhaps I should recognize the child that is always there or at least a phone call away. Rather than the one that ignores me, refuses to communicate, for years.
I say child, but this is mid-thirties adult, married with 2 children, one of which I have not even seen.

So I give each "child" a healthy amount, then I give the loving child extra. I also give my cousin's child a good sized token amount as I've known her for years and it seems right.

Wills are not carved in stone, so maybe in 5 more years, things will improve with the ignoring child to have a normal relationship, and then they will get equal inheritance.

If I was giving 1/2 my estate to a Charity and the remaining to my children would that be worse/better ? Both children would get less, yet people often consider it a good thing.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Sunset, it sounds like a good compromise. It would be nice if your estranged daughter would resume contact.

 

[Mr. Tightwad]

I would not give her the same inheritance as the others.

You get what you deserve.

I would reduce her from 1/3 to about 1/12, and hike the others.

If she ever maintains civility in the future, you can always bump her up to 1/3.

The daughter decided to cease communications, you get what you ask for in life.

 

[Dtail]

I have a son where there can be periods of no communication at all and have thought about reducing his share, but have not done so to date. No fathers day acknowledgement as one example.

 

[Closet_Gamer]

I hope I don't face that situation.

If I do, I think my instinct would be to cut the individual out of the will and put the money somewhere it will be appreciated.

 

[pb4uski]

+1. If she has made a conscious decision to no longer be part of the family then she isn't entitled to any of the benefits of being part of the family.

 

[levindb]

Maybe another option would be to give money with a warm hand rather than a cold hand. Sharing assets that you will not need in the hearse with the children that want to participate in a family vacation, or funding grandchildren's' 529 plan might help reduce that end of life nest egg.
If the wayward child wants to opt out of those opportunities, that is their choice...plus you may be able to see the joy in receiving those gifts while you are alive.

 

[disneysteve]

Several replies so far seem to assume the daughter is the one who is in the wrong here. Interesting. What if just the opposite is true? What if the parents are the baddies? What if they were super controlling? Abusive? Religious fanatics? Ultra right wing conservatives? Truly toxic influences?

Maybe the daughter grew up and got out in the world and came to realize how bad they really were. Should she be punished for that?

I say no to disinheriting her, at least not with a lot more info than what is given here. We’re only seeing one side of the story and of course the mom thinks she did no wrong. Abusers generally don’t.

 

[Car-Guy]

I'm taking the article at face value... Kids very often see things a lot different than their parents... That's okay. Even if she doesn't want to share her life events with her parents is okay, IMO. But not talking to them for years or answering messages is a bit much. She clearly (well apparently) doesn't want anything to do with them... So be it!

 

[Jerry1]

Several replies so far seem to assume the daughter is the one who is in the wrong here. Interesting. What if just the opposite is true? What if the parents are the baddies? What if they were super controlling? Abusive? Religious fanatics? Ultra right wing conservatives? Truly toxic influences?

Maybe the daughter grew up and got out in the world and came to realize how bad they really were. Should she be punished for that?

I say no to disinheriting her, at least not with a lot more info than what is given here. We’re only seeing one side of the story and of course the mom thinks she did no wrong. Abusers generally don’t.

Then the daughter should be fine with not getting anything from “the baddies”. No doubt, that could be the reality, but you don’t get to choose your parents and you don’t have inheritance guaranteed either.

 

[Bryan Barnfellow]

My advice would be to leave the daughter in the will for her equal share. If after the parents are gone she wants to give away the funds to her siblings, others, or to charity that could be a way for her to achieve some closure.

But summarizing disneysteve: we don't know anything about the actual circumstances.

-BB

 

[Bryan Barnfellow]

From a personal perspective:

When my widowed mother passed away she left 2/3 of her estate to one of my brothers and a sister, both of whom lived near her all their lives and devoted a great deal of time and energy to her care, home maintenance, doctor's appointments, etc. The other 1/3 went to the other children (it was a large family) to be shared equally.

Two of my siblings in the 1/3 group asked me to join them in a proposed lawsuit to prevent this "unequal" distribution. They asked me my opinion and I said that I was sorry she didn't leave everything to the two who got the 2/3 share. They weren't happy with my response and the lawsuit never materialized.

I think there was some element of feeling less loved by the 1/3 group; but for me it was only about what was right.

With my share I bought a painting that still hangs in my home. Every time I look at it I think of my mother.

-BB

 

[cat4ever]

Religious fanatics? Ultra right wing conservatives?

I'm with you except for the above. So there's a religion/politics litmus test for who's the goodie and who's the baddie? Sounds like the parents are willing to look around any differences here, but the daughter isn't. If they continually push their values on her that's one thing, and is covered by the controlling part. But to cancel someone, especially immediate family, because they happen to have different values is another IMO.

 

[razztazz]

I'm with you except for the above. So there's a religion/politics litmus test for who's the goodie and who's the baddie? Sounds like the parents are willing to look around any differences here, but the daughter isn't. If they continually push their values on her that's one thing, and is covered by the controlling part. But to cancel someone because they happen to have different values is another IMO.

That's not what he's saying and you can substitute Ultra right wing conservatives with left wink kooks. I agree with disneytsteve in that you can't really know who the "good guys/ bad guys" are in these situations by reading an article. Children can go bad despite the best home. Reasons? Who knows? But parents always think they're perfect. They want credit for everything and responsibility for nothing. And all sides tend to be self serving with facts.

As far as should they cut her out of the will? They're is no "should" here. Another thing people like to do as if there is always a universal norm to go by. It's the parents money and they are entitled to proceed IAW their perceptions. Call 'em like they see 'em and only they can make a valid call. No one reading the article can do more than opine.

 

[JustCurious]

Several replies so far seem to assume the daughter is the one who is in the wrong here. Interesting. What if just the opposite is true? What if the parents are the baddies? What if they were super controlling? Abusive? Religious fanatics? Ultra right wing conservatives? Truly toxic influences?

It's interesting that you included "ultra right wing conservatives" but not "ultra left wing liberals."

 

[MRG]

My family included bipolar and manipulative family members who wanted to make sure "you were doing it right"(whatever that means). If we had kids our assets would be equally be equally distributed without regard to our relationship.

Given my family history that would be the only thing I could do. I would have disowned my father if my mom wasn't married to him. If you asked him the problem was me and my wife. I quit being his kid when he blamed me for my brother's suicide.

Maybe there's more to the story?