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Was just curious what you as a parent would do in this situation
Old 07-23-2021, 08:42 PM   #1
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Was just curious what you as a parent would do in this situation

Would you cut your kid's inheritance ?

https://www.marketwatch.com/story/my...?siteid=yhoof2
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Old 07-23-2021, 08:53 PM   #2
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No, I would not.
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Old 07-23-2021, 08:59 PM   #3
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As with everything, there is more to this story ...Mom isn't as clueless as she appears.
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Old 07-23-2021, 09:05 PM   #4
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A little better than the usual MarketWatch...

Snips from the article, didn't bother with the advice columnist to stay focused on the question of disinheriting wayward offspring.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"However, sometimes the fruit rolls very far from the tree. We have a daughter who lives in a different state and has refused to communicate with us for over two years, and simply doesn’t want us to know anything about her life. She has criticized and mocked our family’s values, and even accused us of things that never happened.
She did this both on social media and in person

She has told us that we are toxic parents, and she doesn’t need the stress we create for her with our beliefs. OK. That’s how she feels. We are very hurt by her words and accusations, and her siblings are also perplexed and think that she’ll get over it.
We have tried to contact her, but we are ignored. She has made her point clear. She is married and has
a good profession — and, I assume, a happy life without our “stress.”"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cut her out.

It appears she hasn't reconciled her upbringing and her relationship as an adult with her parents, something all of us have to do. Until that kid (no, she's not really an adult) gets a reasonable perspective on her youth and the benefits her parents bestowed upon her, I'd leave her out. Hopefully she comes around soon.
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Old 07-23-2021, 09:43 PM   #5
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I would not cut her out. You never know what may happen in the future. We had a child similar to that situation for several years. Would not talk to us. Blamed us for not keeping him out of jail (our attitude: "you do the crime, you do the time"). We knew their residence and phone number, but chose to leave him alone. We never thought about reducing his inheritance. Then one evening out of the blue he calls us, saying he wanted to build a relationship again. We do not agree on some things. But the love is there. He has been very open about his jail time in his work and on social media to counsel and help others, and now tells people "It was nothing my parents did, I was immature and listened to the wrong people".

No guarantees, but I have learned in this situation that the high road is best. By cutting them out completely, you move to their level. They can always choose to refuse the inheritance if you leave it to them. But let them make that decision.
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Old 07-23-2021, 09:45 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by jollystomper View Post
I would not cut her out. You never know what may happen in the future. We had a child similar to that situation for several years. Would not talk to us. Blamed us for not keeping him out of jail (our attitude: "you do the crime, you do the time"). We knew their residence and phone number, but chose to leave him alone. We never thought about reducing his inheritance. Then one evening out of the blue he calls us, saying he wanted to build a relationship again. We do not agree on some things. But the love is there. He has been very open about his jail time in his work and on social media to counsel and help others, and now tells people "It was nothing my parents did, I was immature and listened to the wrong people".

No guarantees, but I have learned in this situation that the high road is best. By cutting them out completely, you move to their level. They can always choose to refuse the inheritance if you leave it to them. But let them make that decision.

Glad to hear your situation had a happy ending.
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Old 07-23-2021, 09:56 PM   #7
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Glad to hear your situation had a happy ending.

Thanks. The biggest lesson we learned is patience. We never assumed a quick turn of mind. We just took it day by day, and did nothing to embarrass him to others, but left the door open that thankfully he returned to.
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Old 07-23-2021, 10:15 PM   #8
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Interesting. In my immediate family, this situation exists. Parents were divorced and one son doesn’t speak to mother and another son doesn’t speak to father. Been that way for decades. I’m sure both have been removed from respective inheritances. I guess I agree. They don’t want to engage with the parent so why would the parent leave anything to them. If there’s ever a change, the will could always be changed. Even if not reflected in the will, the other siblings could share (yeah right) the inheritance if they felt the reconciliation was sincere.

Now, would I do that to my daughters? Yeah, I think I would. Thankfully, there are no signs of that level of disfunction between me and DW vis-à-vis our daughters.
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Old 07-23-2021, 10:25 PM   #9
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Never.

I come from a family where it passes down in equal proportions.

Extending primarily to children but also in equal proportions to grandchildren.

The one and only exception might be a child or a grandchild with a serious long term addition challenge that would lead to the monies evaporating.
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Old 07-23-2021, 10:56 PM   #10
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They published my letter !

Ok, not my letter but close.

I think of Karla Holmoka's parents, loving her unconditionally even after she murdered her younger sister... No limits to their love.
That's NOT me.


My Mom, in her Will cut out my brother, as my brother had left in a huff, and cut off my parents for decades. He is so distant, I have no idea if he is alive or dead, nor which country he lives in.

So while in general my default is to evenly split everything, I realize now that perhaps I should recognize the child that is always there or at least a phone call away. Rather than the one that ignores me, refuses to communicate, for years.
I say child, but this is mid-thirties adult, married with 2 children, one of which I have not even seen.

So I give each "child" a healthy amount, then I give the loving child extra. I also give my cousin's child a good sized token amount as I've known her for years and it seems right.

Wills are not carved in stone, so maybe in 5 more years, things will improve with the ignoring child to have a normal relationship, and then they will get equal inheritance.

If I was giving 1/2 my estate to a Charity and the remaining to my children would that be worse/better ? Both children would get less, yet people often consider it a good thing.
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Old 07-23-2021, 11:38 PM   #11
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Sunset, it sounds like a good compromise. It would be nice if your estranged daughter would resume contact.
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Old 07-24-2021, 12:08 AM   #12
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I would not give her the same inheritance as the others.

You get what you deserve.

I would reduce her from 1/3 to about 1/12, and hike the others.

If she ever maintains civility in the future, you can always bump her up to 1/3.

The daughter decided to cease communications, you get what you ask for in life.
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Old 07-24-2021, 02:30 AM   #13
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I have a son where there can be periods of no communication at all and have thought about reducing his share, but have not done so to date. No fathers day acknowledgement as one example.
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Old 07-24-2021, 03:21 AM   #14
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I hope I don't face that situation.

If I do, I think my instinct would be to cut the individual out of the will and put the money somewhere it will be appreciated.
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Old 07-24-2021, 04:44 AM   #15
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+1. If she has made a conscious decision to no longer be part of the family then she isn't entitled to any of the benefits of being part of the family.
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Old 07-24-2021, 05:11 AM   #16
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Maybe another option would be to give money with a warm hand rather than a cold hand. Sharing assets that you will not need in the hearse with the children that want to participate in a family vacation, or funding grandchildren's' 529 plan might help reduce that end of life nest egg.
If the wayward child wants to opt out of those opportunities, that is their choice...plus you may be able to see the joy in receiving those gifts while you are alive.
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Old 07-24-2021, 06:26 AM   #17
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Several replies so far seem to assume the daughter is the one who is in the wrong here. Interesting. What if just the opposite is true? What if the parents are the baddies? What if they were super controlling? Abusive? Religious fanatics? Ultra right wing conservatives? Truly toxic influences?

Maybe the daughter grew up and got out in the world and came to realize how bad they really were. Should she be punished for that?

I say no to disinheriting her, at least not with a lot more info than what is given here. We’re only seeing one side of the story and of course the mom thinks she did no wrong. Abusers generally don’t.
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Old 07-24-2021, 06:43 AM   #18
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I'm taking the article at face value... Kids very often see things a lot different than their parents... That's okay. Even if she doesn't want to share her life events with her parents is okay, IMO. But not talking to them for years or answering messages is a bit much. She clearly (well apparently) doesn't want anything to do with them... So be it!
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Old 07-24-2021, 07:18 AM   #19
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Several replies so far seem to assume the daughter is the one who is in the wrong here. Interesting. What if just the opposite is true? What if the parents are the baddies? What if they were super controlling? Abusive? Religious fanatics? Ultra right wing conservatives? Truly toxic influences?

Maybe the daughter grew up and got out in the world and came to realize how bad they really were. Should she be punished for that?

I say no to disinheriting her, at least not with a lot more info than what is given here. We’re only seeing one side of the story and of course the mom thinks she did no wrong. Abusers generally don’t.
Then the daughter should be fine with not getting anything from “the baddies”. No doubt, that could be the reality, but you don’t get to choose your parents and you don’t have inheritance guaranteed either.
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Old 07-24-2021, 07:20 AM   #20
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My advice would be to leave the daughter in the will for her equal share. If after the parents are gone she wants to give away the funds to her siblings, others, or to charity that could be a way for her to achieve some closure.

But summarizing disneysteve: we don't know anything about the actual circumstances.

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