Wedding Invitation

[gayl]

I just received a wedding invitation for a nephew that I have not seen in over 10 years. He's getting married in Florida and I live in California. I am planning on declining because I think that's way too far to fly for a weekend for someone I barely know. What do you think is a fair check to send as a gift?

 

[Mr. Tightwad]

I wouldn't send a check. Zilch.

 

[Nick12]

If you show up $100 sounds good, if you mail a check $75.

 

[MichaelB]

I just received a wedding invitation for a nephew that I have not seen in over 10 years. He's getting married in Florida and I live in California. I am planning on declining because I think that's way too far to fly for a weekend for someone I barely know. What do you think is a fair check to send as a gift?

Have you given wedding gifts to other family members? If so, how much do you usually give?

 

[HI Bill]

I received an invitation from a nephew I've never met...along with a gift 'registry', which was mostly a list of tools. I declined the invitation and did not sent a gift. And I don't feel guilty about it!

 

[OldShooter]

... a nephew that I have not seen in over 10 years. ... What do you think is a fair check to send as a gift?

Nothing. He knows you're not coming to the wedding. The invitation is simply an attempted shakedown.

 

[Stormy Kromer]

This is exactly why DW & I had a private ceremony. We still caught heat from some relatives because we didn't throw a big reception, social hour and dance.

 

[gayl]

Have you given wedding gifts to other family members? If so, how much do you usually give?

$100 but I've gone to their weddings. Last nephew cashed my check then asked where gift was. LOL

 

[mamadogmamacat]

How close are you to the parents of this nephew?
or for that matter to that of the one who was so crass and clueless to ask where the gift was? or are they brothers

if not giving a modest gift would impair the relationship with the parents and that matters to you, then give something, along with a nice note of congratulations. otherwise, nothing.

 

[gayl]

They aren't brothers and I'm not close to either my brother (father of crass son .... haven't spoken in decades) or sister (mom-in-law to be but she's friendly). Which is why I'm leaning towards a smaller than usual amount of money

 

[MichaelB]

$100 but I've gone to their weddings. Last nephew cashed my check then asked where gift was. LOL

They aren't brothers and I'm not close to either my brother (father of crass son .... haven't spoken in decades) or sister (mom-in-law to be but she's friendly). Which is why I'm leaning towards a smaller than usual amount of money

I think that’s fair. I try to give the same to all the nieces and nephews, but have gone low on occasion. Like many other aspects of our modern life, the wedding celebration has become quite commercial. Although this will make me sound like a grumpy old curmudgeon, once upon a time wedding gifts had a very pragmatic aspect and were a way to help a young couple start a new life together.

 

[MissMolly]

To me, family is family. Is it the nephew's fault you haven't seen each other in 10 years, or is it the fault of the grownups who have a bad relationship? I believe in treating all my family the same, regardless.

 

[pj.mask]

Consider the meal alone is probably $35*2=$70, then drinks and cake. I feel $100 should be starting point if you go to any average wedding (not a backyard gathering).

Since you aren’t going, I’d consider your financial situation and theirs and evaluate what amount feels right to you.

 

[mamadogmamacat]

Like with a lot things about money, i hesitate to recommend an amount Do what feels best to you and what you will not have any regrets about. Which is why i asked those questions


For myself, I either do not give or give generously, which for weddings is usually quite a lot. You have a number for what you gave last time and too bad the response was so lame The only thing I will say is not to assume this nephew will necessarily be as crass, he may be but you dont know that yet so maybe the best amount would be the same, $100, and then you can put it out of your mind whether the response is gracious or not

 

[Aerides]

Consider the meal alone is probably $35*2=$70, then drinks and cake. I feel $100 should be starting point if you go to any average wedding (not a backyard gathering).

I agree with this. $100 was a standard non-close-family couple gift 20 years ago.

But if it's definitely the kind of invite where there's no reasonable expectation you'd attend, simply rsvp accordingly now, and then send a card and check of some value closer to the date.

It's not clear if there's some contentiousness with the nephew, or if the lack of closeness is more based on geography, but it sounds like the kind of invite where they don't actually expect you to attend. In your shoes, I'd simply rsvp accordingly now, and then send a card and check of some value closer to the date. I wouldn't send less than I had to others, because I'd rather not deal with family issues over $50. I wouldn't want to spend the energy of debating it.

 

[Philliefan33]

Sometimes invitations are sent with no expectation of someone attending or sending a gift. If all of the other uncles and aunts are invited, the groom may be sending you an invitation to avoid hurting your feelings. Or to avoid hurting someone else’s feelings.

For my oldest daughter’s wedding last year, the criteria to be invited was that the person had to have met the bride or groom. My daughter explained it as “we’ve been together two years. If I haven’t made the effort to see someone and introduce them to (name), then they obviously aren’t very close with me”. That criteria, and a very small wedding venue, meant that my only brother and his family were not invited to the wedding. I’m sure my brother didn’t care, but my parents were hurt.

This year our other daughter is getting married and they want a much larger wedding. The initial guest list was 275, but the venue can only hold 220. The couple has managed to pare the guest list down to 230, so they will be hoping that at least ten people decline.

If you haven’t seen the nephew in ten years he obviously won’t be upset if you don’t attend. Send a gift or don’t.

Ih, and for the poster who thought the meal was $35*2 (presumably for the uncle +1), I wish the caterers around here used that pricing! The caterer for last year charged $127/pp and we supplied the alcohol, the venue rental was extra. This year’s wedding is $4K for the venue rental (one of the cheapest we found) and will be between $125-$135 pp for the food. Alcohol will be supplied by the groom’s parents.

 

[Lewis Clark]

Since there is no relationship between you, I think there is no obligation to send a gift if you do not attend.

If you change your mind and attend, then a gift would be appropriate. You are the best judge on how much, based on past history in the family.

 

[Montecfo]

Call me old fashioned but I do not view a wedding invitation as a shakedown. I view it as an invitation.

I assess each accordingly. I would tend to give gifts to family, even if remote.

 

[HarveyS]

I was brought up to believe that if you are invited to a wedding that you cannot attend you should send a gift. That's what I do today. If I attend the wedding the gift is usually larger.

As to the amount, whatever you are comfortable with. We all have different levels of means, and what is suitable for me is likely not for you.

Having just come from a family funeral, maybe attending the wedding would be time well spent. Seeing family for a wedding would be a whole lot more fun than the same folks at the funeral home.

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

Lots of good advice here, so I have nothing to add in that regard.

It did remind me of a gift registry email I got a few months ago from a far off "friend" (that I haven't talked to in at least 10 years) that is getting married. For the 3rd time. At the age of 40 something. Uhhh...gift registry? Yeah, no.

DW and I did a destination wedding in Mexico with immediate family and a couple of very close friends. We told everyone that no gift was expected as we knew it wasn't cheap to travel to MX for our event.

 

[marko]

Nothing. He knows you're not coming to the wedding. The invitation is simply an attempted shakedown.

I didn't take it that way. I think nephew knows uncle isn't coming but sent it as a courtesy. Imagine if he didn't invite him; you never know how people will react and uncle could be 1) angry or 2) hurt even if he didn't plan to attend.

I've been invited to many events where they knew I wouldn't/couldn't be there but appreciated the thought and offer.

I'd give the kid the benefit of the doubt.

I invited my grandfather to my wedding knowing that he couldn't come (93 years old, wheelchair bound, way too much hassle etc).
Much to my surprise--you'd have to have known him--he gave us a check anyway which would be 50/50 even had he attended.

 

[jollystomper]

Not having seen someone does not necessarily mean a bad relationship. We have a couple of nephews and nieces we may only hear directly from every few years under normal circumstances, but when we have had issues they have been very active in showing their concern and being willing to help out.

We also had a nephew who had not been in touch with us for over 5 years - because he had eloped into an interracial marriage, and my then crazy SIL told him that all of the family hated him for doing that... so he was not in touch out of fear (we ended up giving him and his wife $1000 as a "late" wedding gift when we found out).

Also, in my family when a niece or nephew gets married all of the aunts and uncles receive invitations. There is less drama in doing that than inviting A or B and not C.

So... if this happens to be the case, $100 is a fair amount to send. You probably would not miss that amount, and you never know how that might be appreciated.

 

[timo2]

Send a Walmart Gift card for any amount you feel like.

 

[gayl]

I'm a single aunt and everyone used to live within an hour. Most still do although he moved away last year long after we stopped being in touch. I'm not conservative enough (both Republican but I'm not Tea Party Republican / gay grandson & dont care)

We dont have Walmart here although they might in North Carolina ..... mailing check

 

[athena53]

I was once invited to a wedding ceremony with a potluck reception afterwards- a former coworker who lived in OK. I was in NJ. I declined but sent them a gift that was (by my standards) generous. I knew they were good people, she'd been through a disastrous first marriage (she had a pic of her Ex's mug shot on her computer) and I wanted to help them.

To me, the gift is a function of your closeness to the couple and the family, maybe adjusted for comparative wealth.

It should not be a function of the estimated cost of the festivities. They're not a fund-raiser they're supposed to be the couple and their families treating the guests who came to celebrate with them, and they should do what they can afford.

It should not even be a function of whether or not you attend. Many guests drive long distances, take flights, stay in hotels, take days off from work, etc. I'm attending a destination wedding in Charleston, SC and already I'm in for nearly $2,000 between the hotel and the plane flight. I hear the bride's parents have borrowed to pay for the wedding (the venue is Martha Stewart's #1 venue in Charleston) but it's not my obligation to make up for it. I'm giving a gift equivalent to what I gave the groom's siblings when they got married. For the record, it was $175 towards a set of Calphalon purchased with other family members.