Another "How to retire happy" article

[REWahoo]

If you haven't heard enough retirement advice yet, Stanley Bing at Fortune Magazine has weighed in with secrets to a happy retirement, containing the following key message:

"Drive till you can't remember where you parked. Spend money on things you don't need. And eat four rashers of bacon every day."

Other selected gems:

"A life of incessant recreation and indolence is enough to drive... you or me mad after 3.5 years. And after you go mad, you get old. And nobody who is old enjoys his retirement."

"Those who are [single and] on the prowl, however, have a multitude of opportunities. Have an affair with your yoga instructor! Strike up an acquaintance with that dental hygienist you've had an eye on since the time you had teeth! Younger people are often attracted to affluent older individuals who look even marginally acceptable. I put that in boldface because it's a key insight. You may now be able to nab someone you had no right to when you were 30."

Dory, I think he had you in mind with this one:

"I know a guy who daydreams about getting away in his little sailboat and disappearing into the sunset. And I wish it for him. And when all his socks are wet, and there isn't a wrinkle in his body that isn't filled with salt, I wish him a happy return to where he belongs... Except when he gets there, several years and circumnavigations later, he won't have his pipe dream anymore. He'll have been there and done that. And then what?"

[Leonidas]

That was a hilarious article. Bing's imagery had me rolling with lines like this:

So grab a Tahoe, slap a handicapped sticker on it - even though you're not one bit handicapped, are you, you big faker! - and roll right up to the front door. Out of the way, losers! Retired behemoth comin' through!

[unclemick]

Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh

2006 Equinox - handicap sticker courtesy step daughter in spare room.

She's usually the one driving.

Not enough guts to try it by myself - YET!

Interesting and amusing.

[Leonidas]

Where was Bing all my life? The man is a genius. I've spent hour reading his past columns at Forbes and found comedy and truth all rolled together. It's fun to know that the Mega Corps guys had/have many of the same goals in retirement as the guys at Mega PD:

12. Not having to read the morning paper for news of my company, standing up at the kitchen sink with some toast and my heart in my mouth, realizing that most of the time they get it completely wrong, and heading in to the office to meet with my pals and figure out how we're going to deal with the fallout from what those morons in the media have done now. The passion! The blood boiling! The ferment of life running in our veins! The total exasperation! Good riddance!

[lazygood4nothinbum]

sometimes even the truth can use a little tweaking.

while i do still have much more hair than ambition (and no, i'm not bragging about having ambition), i find retirement much more work so far than work ever was. on the job i was running on automatic; here i have more decisions to make. there my course was pretty much laid; here i have more options. there i knew what i was doing; here i have more to learn. so if this ever turns into that, i'll guess i'll have to go back to work.

not sure how i feel about the author's idea of travel or a circumnavigation, especially if you take a few years in each location like oap seems to be doing or if you do a five to twenty-year circumnavigation. it's not like you have to race around the world. by the time you get back probably you will be too old to do it again so then, i guess. you do something more age-appropriate.

i got rid of most of my bad habits in my 30s after i saw them killing all my friends off, but now that i see mom hanging on only because she lived such a healthy life before alzheimer's, i'll take the author's point on bacon but i'll wait another 20 years before i start abusing my body with it. that should give me enough time to enjoy the mobility health affords. but then i figure 5 years to clog my arteries before alzheimer's gets me. it's mostly in the timing. the rest is in your bloodstream.

i also have a problem with the sloppy haircuts, shaving, beltwearing, baggy clothing bit. i don't see why i should have to live any differently now than i did when i was working. i don't care what anyone says. the five o'clock miami-vice shadow thing is still hot, even if it's now a bit more gray.

true about attracting younger people now. problem is i'm too immature to play daddy. but the other problem is that the guys my age who still look good are going after the younger ones. so the ones i'm going after are going after the ones who are going after me. it's really quite annoying.

oh well, at least i have the time now to sort it all out.

[Arif]

He's also got a book out that has a very interesting title:
100 Bulls**t Jobs...And How to Get Them
Haven't read it but the title alone is worth the price of admission.

[dory36]

My 101 yo grandmother would like his article. After quitting smoking 50+ years ago, she started again a few years ago. When asked why, she said she enjoyed it, and at 95, what could it do to her? :

[Eagle43]

Great article, I'm still laughing. This guy can write.

I liked all of it and especially: "Get a computer and learn how to use it, even if up until now that's been your assistant's job. You'll be able to go online and talk to people who can't see how tiny and wizened you are, and reach out and caress the entire world, and start being interested in superficial, idiotic, and distracting things, which is the perfect antidote to the natural drift you're fighting toward the central questions of existence."

Hmmm! not me, huh?

[REWahoo]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eagle43 Hmmm! not me, huh?

It's you alright. But it's not me.

[unclemick]

Heh heh heh heh - I waste a lot of time Googling up weird and hinky things on the internet.

After a 'over the fence' discussion on strange things growing on the side fence - are they 'keepers or weeds to be killed' - I looked up poison ivy - one of the prime candidates.

Still not sure.

Oh well maybe rub some leaves and see what happens. 25 yrs in a fish camp doesn't prepare one for life back in the burbs.

heh heh heh

[Lazarus]

Quote:

Originally Posted by unclemick2 Heh heh heh heh - I waste a lot of time Googling up weird and hinky things on the internet. After a 'over the fence' discussion on strange things growing on the side fence - are they 'keepers or weeds to be killed' - I looked up poison ivy - one of the prime candidates. Still not sure. Oh well maybe rub some leaves and see what happens. 25 yrs in a fish camp doesn't prepare one for life back in the burbs. heh heh heh

Why did you change lifestyles? I understand why you had to move. Just curious.

[Jarhead*]

Quote:

Originally Posted by REWahoo! It's you alright.* But it's not me.

Last week my wife and I were watching an old stand-up comedy routine by Phyllis Dillar.

"When I married my husband, he had a body like a Greek God. Now he looks like a God Damn old Greek".

My wife showed a lot of class, by just laughing and not looking in my direction.

[unclemick]

Hmmm

Change lifestyles? - why not - If I don't like it - change again.

Don't cha just love ER?

heh heh heh heh heh - it's my lucky 13th yr of ER. Bon Temps Rolliere.

[Leonidas]

Quote:

Originally Posted by unclemick2 heh heh heh heh heh - it's my lucky 13th yr of ER. Bon Temps Rolliere.

13 years - that is very cool - congratulations.