Coupling up again in retirement

[Amethyst]

Presumably you would feel the same way if the child were yours, and a female partner (not the mother) insists on coming first as her right.

Methinks you overlooked the word “perpetually” in my comment. A key modifier.

If you didn’t overlook it, then “red flags” go up for you when a 60-year-old woman does not put the “needs” of her 35-year-old co-dependent, ne’er-do-well “child” ahead of the needs of her husband. Hmmm. I bet you didn’t really mean that, but at what point in life do you believe that the husband comes before the spawn of some other man? Never?

My view is that women who behave that way should stay single (your words), assuming they can attract (another) proposal in the first place. Most divorced and widowed men that I know run — they do not not walk — from women who are “all about the children,” always — because they are being shown that they will never get the first priority that is rightly theirs in a committed relationship. He is willing to put her first, but she will never put him first. And remember, these are not even “his” children. Some other dude did that.

When someone shows you what her priorities are, believe her, and react accordingly.

 

[Amethyst]

Could they possibly have photographed the woman from a more unflattering angle?

Just had this pop up in my feed..


"The new reality of dating over 65: Men want to live together; women don’t"

https://www.theglobeandmail.com/lif...Hqx4DCnhOol8bfAbjGZ9sfARGGPAtHxnUgWFcup1o69ZU


omni

 

[Music Lover]

From that article:

"When a guy chats up 77-year-old Montrealer Rhoda Nadell at her tennis club, her brain quickly fast forwards: Dinner dates will turn into a relationship, which will inevitably find Nadell cooking, cleaning and eventually caregiving for the elderly gentleman."

I guess she's not elderly at 77, will never need caregiving, and has never met a man who is willing to share the cooking and cleaning duties.

 

[Amethyst]

Sadly, this is probably the case. And if the men she meets can't even manage to help with housework, one can imagine how great they'll be as caregivers.

From that article:

I guess she.... has never met a man who is willing to share the cooking and cleaning duties.

 

[Music Lover]

Sadly, this is probably the case. And if the men she meets can't even manage to help with housework, one can imagine how great they'll be as caregivers.

There are plenty of men willing to share household duties. But since she immediately dismisses every single male who talks to her she'll never find one.

 

[Amethyst]

I agree that it's self-defeating to stereotype and dismiss other people out of hand. All she would have to do is ask, during dinner, "So...do you cook?"

I was talking with a male acquaintance from the gym the other day. He wanted to know if I'd cooked a Thanksgiving dinner, what I had prepared, etc. Then he talked about the fancy way he cooked his turkey. He goes to much more trouble than I do!

Another thing I wouldn't do in her place is to assume that a dinner invitation will lead inevitably to a "relationship" (whatever that means, but I presume living together?) It's just dinner, fercryinoutloud.

The caregiving thing is a different, horrid issue, but it's a pretty sheltered Old person of either sex who doesn't realize that's on the table. People seldom conveniently drop dead; we tend to linger.

There are plenty of men willing to share household duties. But since she immediately dismisses every single male who talks to her she'll never find one.

 

[O2Bfree]

Could they possibly have photographed the woman from a more unflattering angle?

I'd suppose they're trying to convey how she's in control of her life and is surveying her domain from above.

 

[Chuckanut]

“I really believe that women no longer need men, whatsoever,” D’Alfonso said. “I’m totally irrelevant.”

This guy has achieved enlightenment. He is now well on the way to having a wonderful life with plenty of casseroles for dinner. And maybe somebody to make breakfast for in the morning.

 

[homestead]

Could they possibly have photographed the woman from a more unflattering angle?

I couldn't find his picture, so I google his name and saw a picture of him smoking a cigar. Maybe she doesn't want to live with a cigar smoker.

 

[Amethyst]

It looks like the weight and angle of her chest are trying to pull her down the stairs.

I'd suppose they're trying to convey how she's in control of her life and is surveying her domain from above.

 

[Dtail]

There are plenty of men willing to share household duties. But since she immediately dismisses every single male who talks to her she'll never find one.

Indeed.
I do all the laundry, most of the cooking, have a cleaning service, all the gardening and pool servicing, vacation planning and all finances.
My DGF has had 3 back surgeries, so I do what I can and don't mind at all.

 

[aja8888]

Indeed.
I do all the laundry, most of the cooking, have a cleaning service, all the gardening and pool servicing, vacation planning and all finances.
My DGF has had 3 back surgeries, so I do what I can and don't mind at all.

Same here.....my wife has advanced COPD and osteoporosis, along with a few other things. I've been the main cook, bottle washer, accountant, shopper, dog walker, fix it man, chauffeur, and a whole bunch of other things, including full time caretaker. I signed on with her 25 years ago and I am committed.

If she goes first, do you really think I want to be put in a position to do this again? Not happening.

I will accept free food though!

 

[6miths]

Mom was 69 when dad died at 72. She never really dated and was on record saying that all that guys wanted was sex. I think she benefited from being financially independent, having many friends and family close by. It also probably helped that she had a DS to do most of her yard work and small repairs around the house.

 

[jrcunniff]

Recent posts here have triggered my PTSD. My last relationship with a woman with kids, her son (14y) came first, which was fine. But I couldn’t get on board with her parenting style. She was always focused on being a good friend to her son. I would point out that her son had plenty of friends, but needed a parent who could set up boundaries and limitations. She would counter that I didn’t understand because I never had children, and I didn’t have a say in it.

The relationship ended, not really due to that, although it may have been a factor. But it gave me good insight into how children (of any age, really) could factor into a relationship. And even if you “don’t have a say” in it, it will affect your life and relationship.

 

[1-31-18]

Recent posts here have triggered my PTSD. My last relationship with a woman with kids, her son (14y) came first, which was fine. But I couldn’t get on board with her parenting style. She was always focused on being a good friend to her son. I would point out that her son had plenty of friends, but needed a parent who could set up boundaries and limitations. She would counter that I didn’t understand because I never had children, and I didn’t have a say in it.

The relationship ended, not really due to that, although it may have been a factor. But it gave me good insight into how children (of any age, really) could factor into a relationship. And even if you “don’t have a say” in it, it will affect your life and relationship.

I, too, was in a misaligned relationship once, so I understand your PTSD. I’m no therapist, but it sounds to me like your mistake was letting her put her child first.

A couple needs to put each other first for the relationship to succeed. Children of any age are secondary at best. Children to whom you are not related by blood rank even lower than that. Some other man has that duty.

The root of the problem is that a woman cannot give her best to you, as you would to her, if she has already pledged first-priority attention to another living being. (There are men like this, too, but I don’t see that phenomenon much because men who work in my extremely demanding slice of the legal profession can’t survive by putting children first.)

The good news is that you can learn and grow from your bad experience. So can the woman, although she doesn’t sound like the type who will change.

 

[Aerides]

A couple needs to put each other first for the relationship to succeed. Children of any age are secondary at best. Children to whom you are not related by blood rank even lower than that. Some other man has that duty.

For those that feel this way, the better bet would be to date only childless partners. And for those with minor children, to avoid dating those that feel this way, and proceed cautiously even with adult children.

Far better to pick someone that's a match, than someone that isn't, and expecting them to change.

 

[gamboolman]

ms gamboolgal makes a dang good Corn Pudding....

We will soon hit 39 year together. She was barely 17 and I was 19 when we met.

We have joked about how hard it would be to "date" if/when one of us crosses the Jordan.

She has said that no more men for her as they are too much trouble and needy

It is true that I would be lost without her....

 

[Markola]

I, too, was in a misaligned relationship once, so I understand your PTSD. I’m no therapist, but it sounds to me like your mistake was letting her put her child first.

A couple needs to put each other first for the relationship to succeed. Children of any age are secondary at best. Children to whom you are not related by blood rank even lower than that. Some other man has that duty.

The root of the problem is that a woman cannot give her best to you, as you would to her, if she has already pledged first-priority attention to another living being. (There are men like this, too, but I don’t see that phenomenon much because men who work in my extremely demanding slice of the legal profession can’t survive by putting children first.)

The good news is that you can learn and grow from your bad experience. So can the woman, although she doesn’t sound like the type who will change.

LOL. Hats off to you for having figured out human relationships so orderly and successfully. I didn’t know we had any posters from the Republic of Gilead!

 

[ivinsfan]

I, too, was in a misaligned relationship once, so I understand your PTSD. I’m no therapist, but it sounds to me like your mistake was letting her put her child first.

A couple needs to put each other first for the relationship to succeed. Children of any age are secondary at best. Children to whom you are not related by blood rank even lower than that. Some other man has that duty.

The root of the problem is that a woman cannot give her best to you, as you would to her, if she has already pledged first-priority attention to another living being. (There are men like this, too, but I don’t see that phenomenon much because men who work in my extremely demanding slice of the legal profession can’t survive by putting children first.)

The good news is that you can learn and grow from your bad experience. So can the woman, although she doesn’t sound like the type who will change.

Sigh, so men in your profession have to survive by putting the job "first". That makes them unable to give their "best" to anyone human"? That takes a special breed. Regular "humans" can shift and adjust their "best" to fit life circumstances. Sometimes it is your young children, your spouse, or an ailing or dying parent. The person you describe here doesn't deserve my "best" anything.

 

[1-31-18]

For those that feel this way, the better bet would be to date only childless partners. And for those with minor children, to avoid dating those that feel this way, and proceed cautiously even with adult children.



Far better to pick someone that's a match, than someone that isn't, and expecting them to change.

Those who want to put their children first might also want to bear in mind that the mating pool is small for them. And the occupants of that pool are all betas and gammas, because alphas (men and women) won’t subordinate themselves to a person who is not a blood relative. Not in the workplace, and not at home, either. Some men get conned into believing they will outrank the spawn of the ex, because the woman loves having another man come along to help support her and her brood — she has a powerful economic incentive to lie. So “stepchild conflict” is empirically reason #1 why 70% of second marriages end in divorce. I suppose there might be men who lie about their intentions to prefer their new mate “above all others,” as the marriage vow requires. But I haven’t met one yet.

 

[ivinsfan]

Those who want to put their children first might also want to bear in mind that the mating pool is small for them. And the occupants of that pool are all betas and gammas, because alphas (men and women) won’t subordinate themselves to a person who is not a blood relative. Not in the workplace, and not at home, either. Some men get conned into believing they will outrank the spawn of the ex, because the woman loves having another man come along to help support her and her brood — she has a powerful economic incentive to lie. So “stepchild conflict” is empirically reason #1 why 70% of second marriages end in divorce. I suppose there might be men who lie about their intentions to prefer their new mate “above all others,” as the marriage vow requires. But I haven’t met one yet.

OH I get it now, you are trolling us here, every post is better then the one before...

 

[athena53]

Recent posts here have triggered my PTSD. My last relationship with a woman with kids, her son (14y) came first, which was fine. But I couldn’t get on board with her parenting style. She was always focused on being a good friend to her son. I would point out that her son had plenty of friends, but needed a parent who could set up boundaries and limitations. She would counter that I didn’t understand because I never had children, and I didn’t have a say in it.

That's unfortunate- you could have been a very good influence. When DH and I met, DS was 12 with an absentee father (alcohol problems, verbally abusive). Naturally I gave a high priority to DS but I was awfully easy on him because he'd been through so much. DH (whom I married when DS was 18- we didn't want to rush things) firmly and lovingly held him to higher standards. I knew the truth was somewhere in the middle. DS would not be the wonderful young man he is now without DH's influence on him.

 

[chris2008]

I, too, was in a misaligned relationship once, so I understand your PTSD. I’m no therapist, but it sounds to me like your mistake was letting her put her child first.

A couple needs to put each other first for the relationship to succeed. Children of any age are secondary at best. Children to whom you are not related by blood rank even lower than that. Some other man has that duty.

The root of the problem is that a woman cannot give her best to you, as you would to her, if she has already pledged first-priority attention to another living being. (There are men like this, too, but I don’t see that phenomenon much because men who work in my extremely demanding slice of the legal profession can’t survive by putting children first.)

The good news is that you can learn and grow from your bad experience. So can the woman, although she doesn’t sound like the type who will change.

So please let us know more about your profession - as a warning for us ladies.

 

[Markola]

OH I get it now, you are trolling us here, every post is better then the one before...

Or else he confused ER-Forum with reruns of Mutual of Omaha’s “Wild Kingdom.” Easy mistake, really.

 

[mystang52]

This thread sure has taken a strange turn.