Coupling up again in retirement

[Chuckanut]

I made the decision to only date women who were somebody's mother.

I had bad experiences with two women who did not have children. One actually got very angry when I spent a weekend hiking in the local mountains with my oldest daughter. She was furious with me. You would think I had spent the weekend at a swanky resort hotel sharing a room with a former girlfriend! The other made it quite clear that I was expected to leave all I had to her upon my death. My children could get 'mementos' of their dad. Ain't gonna happen.

For whatever reason, the above two did not understand the parent-child bond, how it differs from the romantic bond, and why both can exist happily with each other in the same person.

I realize that many women who never had children may take offense, but I mean none. For me, parenting children provids a common frame of reference for the events in one's life. Perhaps that is a defect in me.

 

[ivinsfan]

This thread sure has taken a strange turn.

No, if you pay attention any thread about women and dating eventually goes down this road. There are still way to many men who think misogyny is just dandy. Oddly enough, they seem to have the wreckage of relationships behind them. What came first, the chicken or the egg.

 

[Music Lover]

No, if you pay attention any thread about women and dating eventually goes down this road. There are still way to many men who think misogyny is just dandy. Oddly enough, they seem to have the wreckage of relationships behind them. What came first, the chicken or the egg.

I wouldn't say there are too many...maybe one that stands out in this thread but the rest seem pretty fair and open minded.

 

[1-31-18]

LOL. Hats off to you for having figured out human relationships so orderly and successfully. I didn’t know we had any posters from the Republic of Gilead!

LOL. Uh, that would be Lake Shore Drive and more recently Park Avenue. I have more than 100 partners age 50 or older, each of whom takes home at least $2 million a year. (The average is much higher.) Many are divorced and remarried, only a handful are women, and my male partners when single have NO trouble finding women who will put them first. I think my single female partners have a harder time because work comes first in our partnership. None of us lives where you say you do, and none of us has spent five minutes, let alone a career, in non-profit work, except as unpaid university trustees and adjunct faculty. So I imagine that your world is rather different from mine — and I’m sure it will stay that way.

 

[ivinsfan]

I wouldn't say there are too many...maybe one that stands out in this thread but the rest seem pretty fair and open minded.

I meant there are enough that every thread seems to attract at least one..

 

[Amethyst]

I also saw this when a kinswoman married for the second time. The teen daughter was a mess by then. She loved her mom, but no one could get through to her and she ran wild.

The stepfather was one of the kindest men I have ever met (to everybody), and by no means a "beta." He called "cr@p" when he saw it. The girl hated him at first and acted out all over the place, but he worked with her mom to help her mature and take on responsibility. After he died, she told me he had been the father her real father never could be.

That's unfortunate- you could have been a very good influence. ....DS would not be the wonderful young man he is now without DH's influence on him.

 

[Mr. Tightwad]

I made the decision to only date women who were somebody's mother.

I had bad experiences with two women who did not have children. One actually got very angry when I spent a weekend hiking in the local mountains with my oldest daughter. She was furious with me. You would think I had spent the weekend at a swanky resort hotel sharing a room with a former girlfriend! The other made it quite clear that I was expected to leave all I had to her upon my death. My children could get 'mementos' of their dad. Ain't gonna happen.

For whatever reason, the above two did not understand the parent-child bond, how it differs from the romantic bond, and why both can exist happily with each other in the same person.

I realize that many women who never had children may take offense, but I mean none. For me, parenting children provids a common frame of reference for the events in one's life. Perhaps that is a defect in me.

It's not a defect at all. Since you are a parent it is understandable.

I'm a parent too, and have dated those with kids and those without. It's been 20 years since I've dated a woman with kids, and sign me up for it's much better when they have none. I'd guess about 99% of men are like me. Current GF not only doesn't have kids, but doesn't have a uterus anymore, which alleviates a couple of concerns.

 

[Amethyst]

One wonders why you bother hanging around this site full of mere millionaires.

LOL. Uh, that would be Lake Shore Drive and more recently Park Avenue. I have more than 100 partners age 50 or older, each of whom takes home at least $2 million a year. (The average is much higher.) Many are divorced and remarried, only a handful are women, and my male partners when single have NO trouble finding women who will put them first. I think my single female partners have a harder time because work comes first in our partnership. None of us lives where you say you do, and none of us has spent five minutes, let alone a career, in non-profit work, except as unpaid university trustees and adjunct faculty. So I imagine that your world is rather different from mine — and I’m sure it will stay that way.

 

[Markola]

LOL. Uh, that would be Lake Shore Drive and more recently Park Avenue. I have more than 100 partners age 50 or older, each of whom takes home at least $2 million a year. (The average is much higher.) Many are divorced and remarried, only a handful are women, and my male partners when single have NO trouble finding women who will put them first. I think my single female partners have a harder time because work comes first in our partnership. None of us lives where you say you do, and none of us has spent five minutes, let alone a career, in non-profit work, except as unpaid university trustees and adjunct faculty. So I imagine that your world is rather different from mine — and I’m sure it will stay that way.

It’s Monday and yet here you are burning up billable hours arguing with Internet strangers to whom you apparently have a deep-seated need to feel superior. I, however, don’t have such insecurities, because I am retired at 54 and am accountable to no one except my DW of 30 years. I’m sure your world is different - and you can certainly have all of it.

 

[ivinsfan]

It's not a defect at all. Since you are a parent it is understandable.

I'm a parent too, and have dated those with kids and those without. It's been 20 years since I've dated a woman with kids, and sign me up for it's much better when they have none. I'd guess about 99% of men are like me. Current GF not only doesn't have kids, but doesn't have a uterus anymore, which alleviates a couple of concerns.

You have kids so luckily your current SO isn't as demanding as you are, lucky for you. You actually have your number reversed.. I'd say 99% of men are not like you.

 

[Music Lover]

You have kids so luckily your current SO isn't as demanding as you are, lucky for you. You actually have your number reversed.. I'd say 99% of men are not like you.

I don't think it's anywhere near 99% either.

If you're eliminating women with kids when dating at a later age you're ignoring 1/2 to 2/3 of all the potential partners out there. Dating at a later age is hard enough without ignoring 2/3 of the field. There are a lot of quality women who may be divorced for valid reasons.

 

[Focus]

This thread sure has taken a strange turn.

You're telling me. I started this thread, and it didn't take long for it to veer away from anything I can relate to!

 

[aja8888]

You're telling me. I started this thread, and it didn't take long for it to veer away from anything I can relate to!

Nothing like a little "thread drift" to liven up the troops!

 

[Amethyst]

I was thinking the same thing in reverse - most older men have children, sometimes with more than one wife. And then there are the grandkids!

I don't think it's anywhere near 99% either.

If you're eliminating women with kids when dating at a later age you're ignoring 1/2 to 2/3 of all the potential partners out there. Dating at a later age is hard enough without ignoring 2/3 of the field. There are a lot of quality women who may be divorced for valid reasons.

 

[ivinsfan]

I was thinking the same thing in reverse - most older men have children, sometimes with more than one wife. And then there are the grandkids!

Yep basically the woman is supposed a money making machine without the "undesirable" life experiences those of us of a mature age have. Or an attentive money making machine that is a blank slate...

 

[tulak]

You have kids so luckily your current SO isn't as demanding as you are, lucky for you. You actually have your number reversed.. I'd say 99% of men are not like you.

Like Chuckanut, I’m firmly in the camp where I’ll only date women with kids. And in the ballpark of my age, either younger or older.

Commonality is important. Kids are part of that, as is a bunch of other stuff. I’m lucky that GF and I have a lot in common besides kids.

I’m not retired yet, so I can’t speak to that aspect of coupling up again, but I think life is funner with the right person. As such, I’d be open to a relationship at any age.

 

[Gumby]

This discussion reminds me of a time almost 40 years ago, when I was a young guy fresh out of college. A bunch of us were sitting around grilling burgers and drinking beer when the talk turned to our desired qualities in female companions. After a while, someone asked my friend Rick, who to that point hadn't contributed - "So, Rick, what kind of girls do you like?" And Rick responded -- "Ones who like me." He was truly a man wise beyond his years.

 

[harllee]

You're telling me. I started this thread, and it didn't take long for it to veer away from anything I can relate to!

You started a good thread with a good question. Too bad it has been highjacked by a poster who obviously has an ax to grind about women with children. I hope this thread will veer back to its original intent.

By the way after my father died my mother married a man who had no children. He inherited a whole brood of kids, grandkids, in- laws, etc and we were loud and messy. He said it was the best thing that ever happened to him. He was great to us.

 

[ivinsfan]

You started a good thread with a good question. Too bad it has been highjacked by a poster who obviously has an ax to grind about women with children. I hope this thread will veer back to its original intent.

By the way after my father died my mother married a man who had no children. He inherited a whole brood of kids, grandkids, in- laws, etc and we were loud and messy. He said it was the best thing that ever happened to him. He was great to us.

I don't know if it's a hijack, to believe that coupling with another mature age adult isn't going to involve compromise and a willingness to adapt to each others life history is setting yourself up for failure.

If you aren't willing to do that, you are looking for the proverbial unicorn. In that case you should realize staying solo is probably in your future.

My SonIL has a stepdad in your situation. No kids of his own.The kids were older and Dad was alive, much affection for stepdad but he wasn't really the Dad. OTOH as the grandkids came along he was Grampy with no ifs, ands or buts and he loves those littles with all his heart..He is just Grandpa to them with no qualifiers needed.

 

[RunningBum]

Let's see, of the last 3 women I've dated, one had no kids, one had 3 kids out of the house, and the current one has a kid at home. No issues in that regard that makes me regret dating any of them. They are a part of the package. If someone thinks any of those situations are unacceptable, they should avoid it, but IMO that's not advice you should be giving anyone else.

 

[6miths]

LOL. Uh, that would be Lake Shore Drive and more recently Park Avenue. I have more than 100 partners age 50 or older, each of whom takes home at least $2 million a year. (The average is much higher.) Many are divorced and remarried, only a handful are women, and my male partners when single have NO trouble finding women who will put them first. I think my single female partners have a harder time because work comes first in our partnership. None of us lives where you say you do, and none of us has spent five minutes, let alone a career, in non-profit work, except as unpaid university trustees and adjunct faculty. So I imagine that your world is rather different from mine — and I’m sure it will stay that way.

You know I have never actually used the "ignore' button. First time for everything!

 

[Dtail]

While working on Wall Street, but nowhere near that 2m yearly income, I did see the wealthier mostly men who were divorced have no issues on the dating scene and typically the 50 year olds were with 30 something year old females of which some had children and some did not.
Some men in this category who are more married to their careers might not mind the whole children setting, as long they ended up getting what they want, whatever that may be.

 

[kcowan]

She definitely knew who that was, and was awestruck. After winning an Oscar.

Yes I guess it was her reaction that was not welcoming that I remembered. Nice catch!

 

[kcowan]

...She has said that no more men for her as they are too much trouble and needy

It is true that I would be lost without her....]

DW would have said that but when she had a bad hip joint waiting for surgery, I proved that I was an adequate caregiver.

Now she genuinely feels a stronger bond.

 

[Calico]

You know I have never actually used the "ignore' button. First time for everything!