Coupling up again in retirement

[kcowan]

It is unsettling, even when you're not much younger than the man. Quite a few men my age have no notion they've started to look like Scary Grampa. They really need to alter their approach from whatever worked back in '82.

When a strange man, with bushy eyebrows and potbelly-bowlegs, tries "joshing" me, it makes me wonder if I broke some rule and am in trouble.

I remember when Jack Nicholson made a move on Jennifer Lawrence and she did not even know him! His big fame was before she was born!

 

[Amethyst]

Nicholson already seemed old and scary when I was young!

I remember when Jack Nicholson made a move on Jennifer Lawrence and she did not even know him! His big fame was before she was born!

 

[RunningBum]

I remember when Jack Nicholson made a move on Jennifer Lawrence and she did not even know him! His big fame was before she was born!

This?

She definitely knew who that was, and was awestruck. After winning an Oscar.

 

[ckelly78z]

I can't imagine that I would seek out another wife if my current DW of 32 years was no longer in the picture. It would be fun to be the object of desire in the dating field, as long as I kelp it casual.

 

[Sunset]

...
Here's a rather sad article about a sudden illness, and the person, who ended-up only having days left, put up an advertisement for her husband to get a new mate..........

My Uncle's first wife, asked all her single friends to marry her husband as she was dying. One of them did, and they made a great couple for many decades.

 

[NotCreativeName]

Yes, it's good to have the emotional support of a wife when you're in declining health. You can get that from family and friends, though, and from church involvement if you're into that. And if worse comes to worse, you can always hire a cute home health nurse and turn your life into a Benny Hill skit. (Not meaning to be insensitive here. I hope you're not in the position you're alluding to.)

Unfortunately, I've known plenty of men who were divorced by their wives after they became ill in mid-life. Spouses do not necessarily stick with you, when the going gets tough. I'm sure men leave their wives sometimes in this situation, too, but women initiate divorce much more often than men do, so I think it's the men who are more often left holding the colostomy bag.

I think it's another reason older single women aren't interested in relationships: they don't want to end up being the caretaker to an ailing man. Women are blessed with longer life expectancies, and they also tend to pair up with men who are older than they are. For example, a 60 year old woman might be looking at a 65 year old guy, thinking, "Do I want to get involved with someone who I might have to end up being a nursemaid to in the next decade? Do I want to end up feeding this guy oatmeal and wiping his butt?" Naturally, that dims their romantic drive a bit, lol. Many women have already spent a good chunk of their lives taking care of other people -- their children, mostly, but also, in their minds anyhow, their ex-husbands, and so they don't relish the idea of doing more of that in their later years. I don't blame them.

As a wife with a (4 year younger) husband with serious health issues, I am compelled to respond to this post. The reason I would consider divorce is not because of caretaking, but because of the lashing out and anger that comes my way. It's very hard to be emotionally supportive at times. And he's only late 50's. This could last a very long time.

Things aren't always how they look from the outside. If he doesn't develop some better coping skills, I honestly don't know if I will be able to hang in for the long haul.

 

[RunningBum]

My Uncle's first wife, asked all her single friends to marry her husband as she was dying. One of them did, and they made a great couple for many decades.

I'm not sure how it happened, but I think something like that happened with someone I know. His wife of many years had terminal cancer. It wasn't but a few months after she died that he married someone else. It raised eyebrows, but one of his neighbors said his late wife approved, so that was that. I don't know if she set it up, or what, but they definitely knew each other. Wasn't my business to ask, and they seem happy.

 

[O2Bfree]

As a wife with a (4 year younger) husband with serious health issues, I am compelled to respond to this post. The reason I would consider divorce is not because of caretaking, but because of the lashing out and anger that comes my way. It's very hard to be emotionally supportive at times. And he's only late 50's. This could last a very long time.

Things aren't always how they look from the outside. If he doesn't develop some better coping skills, I honestly don't know if I will be able to hang in for the long haul.

Really sorry to hear about your situation. My dad had some anger issues in his last years, and it was heartbreaking to hear him yell at mom and sometimes make her cry.

I hope your husband somehow becomes aware of how you're feeling and realizes how much worse his life would be without you.

 

[athena53]

One of the guys I met in Match.com had just lost his wife a few months before, but before she died of cancer she'd urged him to try and find happiness again and so had his friends. We had an enjoyable lunch and I liked him (and followed up with a note) but never heard from him again. My guess is that it was just too soon for him. I hope I at least showed him that there were good women out there when he was ready.

 

[Amethyst]

Or he liked the next casserole even better!

(What is it with casseroles, anyway? I despise them, nasty cheesy things, and would not think to offer one to a man I liked).

We had an enjoyable lunch and I liked him (and followed up with a note) but never heard from him again. My guess is that it was just too soon for him. .

 

[Chuckanut]

It wasn't but a few months after she died that he married someone else. It raised eyebrows,

A friend of mine started dating again a few months after his wife died. He mentioned that others thought he should wait a year or two. His reply was "I'm 70 years old. How much surplus time do you think I have left?"

 

[youbet]

A friend of mine started dating again a few months after his wife died. He mentioned that others thought he should wait a year or two. His reply was "I'm 70 years old. How much surplus time do you think I have left?"

It's one thing to date, as in enjoy fun times with someone of the opposite sex, but it's another thing to make commitments. I do think most people need some time after losing a long time partner to adjust and get their head straight.

 

[Nemo2]

I do think most people need some time after losing a long time partner to adjust and get their head straight.

Seconded. Looking back at the first year + after my late wife died, and believing at the time that I was perfectly rational, (or as rational as I ever am), it's a clear case of "What was I thinking?"

 

[6miths]

Oh, I dunno:

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowb...ip-Italian-film-producer-53-gets-serious.html

based on the photo in that article, I think we might need to start ignoring calendar age and start using the Horvath clock age.

+1

Looking at the photo - he at 70 looks to be in better shape than most 40 year old American males and she at 51 than most 30 year olds.

 

[Nemo2]

+1

Looking at the photo - he at 70 looks to be in better shape than most 40 year old American males and she at 51 than most 30 year olds.

Not to be pedantic....but....He's 74...and she's 53.

 

[6miths]

Not to be pedantic....but....He's 74...and she's 53.

Even better on them!

 

[aja8888]

Or he liked the next casserole even better!

(What is it with casseroles, anyway? I despise them, nasty cheesy things, and would not think to offer one to a man I liked).

Well, a single man receiving a casserole sees that gift as a meal that keeps on giving. It may last for days with only reheat and one dish (to clean). Served on paper plates is in concert with one trash bag per week to remove and throw out with the empty beer cans.

Simplicity and efficiency at it's finest!

 

[Gumby]

Well, a single man receiving a casserole sees that gift as a meal that keeps on giving. It may last for days with only reheat and one dish (to clean). Served on paper plates is in concert with one trash bag per week to remove and throw out with the empty beer cans.

Simplicity and efficiency at it's finest!

Plus, there's a built-in second meeting. You have give the casserole dish back sometime.

 

[aja8888]

Plus, there's a built-in second meeting. You have give the casserole dish back sometime.

I suppose there is a way around that personal delivery if you don't care to meet again.

 

[NotCreativeName]

Really sorry to hear about your situation. My dad had some anger issues in his last years, and it was heartbreaking to hear him yell at mom and sometimes make her cry.

I hope your husband somehow becomes aware of how you're feeling and realizes how much worse his life would be without you.

I appreciate the thought - but I don't want to make it seem worse than it is. 95+ % of the time things are good and he is super appreciative and caring. But he can get in a space that's very difficult to deal with.

I was just getting a vibe that some were bashing those who divorce when health issues come up and wanted to provide another POV.

 

[RunningBum]

(What is it with casseroles, anyway? I despise them, nasty cheesy things, and would not think to offer one to a man I liked).

Me too. When I had ACL surgery a few years ago, I had people offer to bring me stuff, and I pictured my fridge and freezer filling up with casseroles I didn't want. I just told people that I'm a picky eater (very true), and that I prepped stuff for myself and was fine. This is also why I don't care much for pot luck meals.

 

[Walt34]

(What is it with casseroles, anyway? I despise them, nasty cheesy things, and would not think to offer one to a man I liked).

Score many points for you!

It's a very rare casserole that I like and most have stuff (gluten, mostly) that I'm either very allergic to or simply don't like.

 

[Focus]

To my surprise, this has become a casserole thread!

 

[aja8888]

To my surprise, this has become a casserole thread!

We will need recipes and pictures to make that happen.

 

[Walt34]

We will need recipes and pictures to make that happen.

I could probably learn to like a bacon casserole.