Coupling up again in retirement

[Chuckanut]

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Originally Posted by Letj Get some viagra and testosterone replacement. That will solve that problem real fast[emoji23]

My old grandpappy used to say, "Don't waste time with roots, herbs and tonics. The best aphrodisiac is a good woman."

[RunningBum]

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Originally Posted by BoodaGazelle OTOH, we always say: "Whatever works for you two is all that matters".

Stay with that. Besides, you really don't know. My GF is 13 years younger, is owner/operator of her own business plus has a part time job, mostly for medical. We were at a small back deck get together this summer when she was talking about not being able to work because of COVID. She overheard one of my friends mutter "so that's why she's dating RunningBum." Uh, no, for one thing we started before COVID.

We do have money disagreements. I think she picks up too many dinner tabs, plus we have more meals at her house with her groceries. She thinks she doesn't.

She also told me she never plans to retire, at least not from her business, which she loves. I said that's fine, as long as she takes time for vacations. No worries really, she probably travels more than me (pre-COVID). She also said she doesn't want to get married again, but if we do she's all for a prenup, and keeping finances separate.

[Focus]

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Originally Posted by Chuckanut What choice is there if you want to be with someone? Like my old grandpappy used to say, "The best time to plant a tree was 30 years ago, the next best time is today."

True enough...if you want to be with someone. I used to never question the idea that I wanted to be in a relationship, but I do now. My mindset at this life stage is quite different -- at this distance from my divorce anyway.

[Hermit]

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Originally Posted by harley Still married after 42 years, but if something happened to DW I can't imagine ever hooking up with another woman. I know many people don't feel the same, and I guess you never know what will come over time. But I suspect if left on my own I would become somewhat hermit-like. I'd have DD and the grandkids, but I suspect that would be more than enough company for me. Hopefully I'll never have to find out if I'm right.

I did find out more than 11 years ago now. Nothing all that wrong with being a Hermit as long as you have friends and family to see on occation. The first 6 or 7 years after I lost DW I had no interest in another relationship. There have been a few women who showed interest, but none that I found that interesting for more than a casual friendship. I am over 70 now. I don't see a change in my future. What does seem a little weird is my attraction to these kind of threads.

[UKadventurer]

I wasn’t in my 60’s when I divorced my 1st wife after a 20 year marriage. I was only 43 but I found it easier to meet women than before I was married. Enjoying dance and being decent at it was quite significant. Also, my confidence was much higher at 43 than at 23 which is pretty normal. Finally, I was significantly better off even after a costly divorce. That’s helpful since I could travel and take time off I wanted.

Of course, amongst all the fun, there were some missteps and I married a second time choosing badly. Totally my fault but no regrets.

Finally, I’m 57 now and will almost certainly marry for a 3rd time in the next few months to my girlfriend of 6 years. I guess I’m a hopeless romantic but now much more cautious when I think of marriage. Honestly, I’d prefer not to get married but when you travel the world and settle somewhere immigration isn’t very understanding of “this is my girlfriend” when it comes to needing long term visas.

[Old Microbiologist]

True enough. I had a similar experience after 25 years of marriage without much warning. She had a change of lifestyle at menopause and went lesbian. Not much I could do about that and it is apparently becoming common.

I dated on line, met and married my current wife 15 years ago and we couldn't be happier. We are both on our 3rd marriages (and both have 50 years of marriage if you combine the three spouses) so know the ropes. She is 5 years older than I am which should equalize our life expectancies more or less although women in her family often live to 100. Men in my family have never exceeded 82 although my mother died at 95 and I have her genetics so there is hope. We are both very healthy and no serious issues at all. What we have found in our "old" age is that minor issues are just that. Neither of us ever want a divorce again and really it is off the table completely. We have learned to accomodate to each other's interests and accept the discrepancies. Neither of us are abusive or have bad habits and both are doctoral educated with different hobbies. We are both givers which is nice for a change having had two takers in a row. We are politically identical and have similar work histories (although she being Russian it was for the Soviet Union and I for the US military). Interestingly, we also share the exact same physical ailments and neither of us have any serious diseases only minor BS like back pain. The only fly in the ointment is she lost both her children, one to drowing at age 13, and the other heart failure at age 50. My kids are both alive and are okay with her (not close) but we are physically distant as we retired to Hungary and my son lives in Israel and my daughter in NYC. No grandchildren and none are ever expected as neither child can stay with a partner more than a year thus no real reason to travel to see them much. We do go to Israel (which is a relatively short and cheap trip from here - but not an easy one due to the issues in Israel) but we also both have family there (my wife's older sister retired there and her son and children live in Jerusalem). My brother's daughter (with 6 kids) lives in Jerusalem as well although my son is in B'eer Sheva. So, it is at least worth visiting the extended family and we also have friends there as well so it ends up being exhausting to try and see everyone. I only have my daughter (NYC) and brother (Indianapolis) in the US. My brother stops here on the way to Israel usually once a year on the way to visit his 6 grandkids or we meet up there. I fly my daughter out here to Hungary every couple of years usually with a new boyfriend who I will never see again.

What we have learned is the only people we can count on after retirement is each other which is an enormous and binding commitment.

[Nemo2]

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Originally Posted by irishgal I heard once that “the only reason a man would be interested in a woman over 45 is if she had money, because by then women are way past their prime”.

Oh, I dunno:

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbi...s-serious.html

[sengsational]

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Originally Posted by Focus That's part of the issue, isn't it? Once you're past 60, who wants to go back to square one with a new person? Getting to know someone deeply takes a good number of years.

My perspective would be different. The process of getting to know someone would not be a negative from my perspective; the journey would be made fun.

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Originally Posted by CRLLS DW has said If I die first, she will never remarry. She won't have enough time to train a new husband.

Here's a rather sad article about a sudden illness, and the person, who ended-up only having days left, put up an advertisement for her husband to get a new mate. The link came up for me, but NYT might not like the referrer header from here or otherwise not let you see it:
https://www.nytimes.com/2017/03/03/s...y-husband.html

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Originally Posted by Nemo2 Oh, I dunno: Charles-Dances-relationship-Italian-film-producer-53-gets-serious

based on the photo in that article, I think we might need to start ignoring calendar age and start using the Horvath clock age.

[Focus]

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Originally Posted by Nemo2 Oh, I dunno: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbi...s-serious.html

"First came a relationship with actress Sophia Myles, a vicar’s daughter." Only in England would they add that!

[kcowan]

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Originally Posted by irishgal Yes! A 15 year and counting break lol!

Many of our friends were single females who had broken up with their first spouse. None of them were in any hurry to reconnect. But several have met a guy and since coupled up. So it does happen and fifteen years is not a life sentence!

[kcowan]

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Originally Posted by Amethyst It is unsettling, even when you're not much younger than the man. Quite a few men my age have no notion they've started to look like Scary Grampa. They really need to alter their approach from whatever worked back in '82. When a strange man, with bushy eyebrows and potbelly-bowlegs, tries "joshing" me, it makes me wonder if I broke some rule and am in trouble.

I remember when Jack Nicholson made a move on Jennifer Lawrence and she did not even know him! His big fame was before she was born!

[Amethyst]

Nicholson already seemed old and scary when I was young!

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Originally Posted by kcowan I remember when Jack Nicholson made a move on Jennifer Lawrence and she did not even know him! His big fame was before she was born!

[RunningBum]

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Originally Posted by kcowan I remember when Jack Nicholson made a move on Jennifer Lawrence and she did not even know him! His big fame was before she was born!

This?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJmh...-ZM0&index=126

She definitely knew who that was, and was awestruck. After winning an Oscar.

[ckelly78z]

I can't imagine that I would seek out another wife if my current DW of 32 years was no longer in the picture. It would be fun to be the object of desire in the dating field, as long as I kelp it casual.

[Sunset]

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Originally Posted by sengsational ... Here's a rather sad article about a sudden illness, and the person, who ended-up only having days left, put up an advertisement for her husband to get a new mate..........

My Uncle's first wife, asked all her single friends to marry her husband as she was dying. One of them did, and they made a great couple for many decades.

[NotCreativeName]

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Originally Posted by ER Eddie Yes, it's good to have the emotional support of a wife when you're in declining health. You can get that from family and friends, though, and from church involvement if you're into that. And if worse comes to worse, you can always hire a cute home health nurse and turn your life into a Benny Hill skit. (Not meaning to be insensitive here. I hope you're not in the position you're alluding to.) Unfortunately, I've known plenty of men who were divorced by their wives after they became ill in mid-life. Spouses do not necessarily stick with you, when the going gets tough. I'm sure men leave their wives sometimes in this situation, too, but women initiate divorce much more often than men do, so I think it's the men who are more often left holding the colostomy bag. I think it's another reason older single women aren't interested in relationships: they don't want to end up being the caretaker to an ailing man. Women are blessed with longer life expectancies, and they also tend to pair up with men who are older than they are. For example, a 60 year old woman might be looking at a 65 year old guy, thinking, "Do I want to get involved with someone who I might have to end up being a nursemaid to in the next decade? Do I want to end up feeding this guy oatmeal and wiping his butt?" Naturally, that dims their romantic drive a bit, lol. Many women have already spent a good chunk of their lives taking care of other people -- their children, mostly, but also, in their minds anyhow, their ex-husbands, and so they don't relish the idea of doing more of that in their later years. I don't blame them.

As a wife with a (4 year younger) husband with serious health issues, I am compelled to respond to this post. The reason I would consider divorce is not because of caretaking, but because of the lashing out and anger that comes my way. It's very hard to be emotionally supportive at times. And he's only late 50's. This could last a very long time.

Things aren't always how they look from the outside. If he doesn't develop some better coping skills, I honestly don't know if I will be able to hang in for the long haul.

[RunningBum]

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Originally Posted by Sunset My Uncle's first wife, asked all her single friends to marry her husband as she was dying. One of them did, and they made a great couple for many decades.

I'm not sure how it happened, but I think something like that happened with someone I know. His wife of many years had terminal cancer. It wasn't but a few months after she died that he married someone else. It raised eyebrows, but one of his neighbors said his late wife approved, so that was that. I don't know if she set it up, or what, but they definitely knew each other. Wasn't my business to ask, and they seem happy.

[O2Bfree]

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Originally Posted by NotCreativeName As a wife with a (4 year younger) husband with serious health issues, I am compelled to respond to this post. The reason I would consider divorce is not because of caretaking, but because of the lashing out and anger that comes my way. It's very hard to be emotionally supportive at times. And he's only late 50's. This could last a very long time. Things aren't always how they look from the outside. If he doesn't develop some better coping skills, I honestly don't know if I will be able to hang in for the long haul.

Really sorry to hear about your situation. My dad had some anger issues in his last years, and it was heartbreaking to hear him yell at mom and sometimes make her cry.

I hope your husband somehow becomes aware of how you're feeling and realizes how much worse his life would be without you.

[athena53]

One of the guys I met in Match.com had just lost his wife a few months before, but before she died of cancer she'd urged him to try and find happiness again and so had his friends. We had an enjoyable lunch and I liked him (and followed up with a note) but never heard from him again. My guess is that it was just too soon for him. I hope I at least showed him that there were good women out there when he was ready.

[Amethyst]

Or he liked the next casserole even better!

(What is it with casseroles, anyway? I despise them, nasty cheesy things, and would not think to offer one to a man I liked).

Quote:

Originally Posted by athena53 We had an enjoyable lunch and I liked him (and followed up with a note) but never heard from him again. My guess is that it was just too soon for him. .