Coupling up again in retirement

[Freedom56]

I'm happily married but have very close friends (both male and female) that are in their late 50's and still single and have substantial assets. My advice to them has always been to run background checks on any potential partner before making serious commitments.

[sengsational]

Given I always had a steady GF since HS and still married to my last GF, I imagine another GF is in the cards if this relationship ends for any reason. Since 2 can live together for 1.6x, that makes financial sense, but might not comingle assets... that's a separate issue. I can't imagine a background check, as, at least at the time of this writing, skeptical enough and aware enough and would have a long enough courting period to trust my own judgement. The background check is probably "ordered" by the estate beneficiaries so the new partner doesn't run off with the money.

[irishgal]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amethyst Usually the age mentioned in such comments is 50, as that is the common age of menopause - when all women instantly fall to pieces emotionally, gain weight, and lose interest in sex. /sarc

I used to hear 40.

My ex, the day he left to move out to go live with his girlfriend said "no man wants to have to watch his wife get old, it's ugly and unappealing".

[O2Bfree]

Quote:

Originally Posted by irishgal I used to hear 40. My ex, the day he left to move out to go live with his girlfriend said "no man wants to have to watch his wife get old, it's ugly and unappealing".

OMG!

I think he'll pay for that attitude someday...

[ivinsfan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by irishgal I used to hear 40. My ex, the day he left to move out to go live with his girlfriend said "no man wants to have to watch his wife get old, it's ugly and unappealing".

I don't want to believe those type of jerks exist, but sadly they do...

I'll give my DH an extra hug today..

[Music Lover]

Quote:

Originally Posted by irishgal I used to hear 40. My ex, the day he left to move out to go live with his girlfriend said "no man wants to have to watch his wife get old, it's ugly and unappealing".

Eventually she'll be too old, ugly, and unappealing to him and will be punted to the curb. But he'll be older and less appealing as well even if he doesn't know it....and there's nothing more pathetic than an aging "player" chasing younger women.

[youbet]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ER Eddie As people get older, they get less interested in dating and coupling up. That tends to be more true of women than men.

That would be congruent with my informal, anecdotal observations. Men really need to go through some sort of "Men's Lib" sort of thing!

DW and I have watched (and cringed) as 3 different close friends became single late in life and responded by almost immediately going on a search for a new wife. All would have been much better off if they had been able to be more casual and relaxed about it. All wound up OK in the end but seemed myopic through the search period.

I think part of it is simply men's persona, what they're hard-wired for. Another part is society. It seems gals can socialize, be tight friends and live alone without bumping up against any societal norms more easily than men.

[MichaelB]

Quote:

Originally Posted by irishgal I used to hear 40. My ex, the day he left to move out to go live with his girlfriend said "no man wants to have to watch his wife get old, it's ugly and unappealing".

Good riddance to him.

[ivinsfan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MichaelB Good riddance to him.

Yep, it's funny how the guilty party can be so aggressive to the ones they have wronged. I've seen it in all walks of life.

[Amethyst]

What an angry person he sounds like. Must have had miserable parents.

Quote:

Originally Posted by irishgal I used to hear 40. My ex, the day he left to move out to go live with his girlfriend said "no man wants to have to watch his wife get old, it's ugly and unappealing".

[Gumby]

Quote:

Originally Posted by irishgal I used to hear 40. My ex, the day he left to move out to go live with his girlfriend said "no man wants to have to watch his wife get old, it's ugly and unappealing".

Even if you think that, why would you say that? It's just gratuitously cruel. I'm glad I don't know him.

[kcowan]

I appreciate why irishgal wants to take a break! One a*hole is enough.

(He sounds to me like a narcissist who get relief out of blaming you for his crappy behaviour!)

[irishgal]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amethyst What an angry person he sounds like. Must have had miserable parents.

You are spot on. His parents were the most negatively biased humans I’ve ever encountered.

[ER Eddie]

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Originally Posted by youbet That would be congruent with my informal, anecdotal observations. Men really need to go through some sort of "Men's Lib" sort of thing! DW and I have watched (and cringed) as 3 different close friends became single late in life and responded by almost immediately going on a search for a new wife. All would have been much better off if they had been able to be more casual and relaxed about it. All wound up OK in the end but seemed myopic through the search period. I think part of it is simply men's persona, what they're hard-wired for. Another part is society. It seems gals can socialize, be tight friends and live alone without bumping up against any societal norms more easily than men.

Yeah, I think that's part of it, for sure. A lot of men, even after they go through a painful divorce, want to jump right back on another horse. It's like they don't know how to be single, or they find it too lonely. I've been single (unattached) for about 14 years now, and so it's second nature to me. I was always inclined to fly solo, even prior to my brief marriage -- which seemed like I was living someone else's life. But some guys (most guys, I think) are built to want to be pair-bonded to a woman, and they don't feel right if they aren't. I've got no problems with that, if that's what makes them happy. But there is a sort of compulsion about it, sometimes, which concerns me (for their sake).

Other factors might be that as men get older, they can play the field a bit better than women can. Women's options tend to shrink as they get older, and the men that will hit on them tend to get increasingly old and unsavory. So, naturally, many women throw in the towel. Whereas some men (not me) continue to enjoy dating women ten years or more younger than them.

I also think, not to put too fine a point on it, but a lot of women look to men for provision and security, and by the time they've reached midlife, a lot of women have these sewn up for themselves. Through their careers, or perhaps inheritance or alimony, they've got their provision and security taken care of, so they don't really feel the motivation to snag a man.

And then, there's just getting older. In some respects, I think dating and falling in love are a young man's/woman's game. I know there are exceptions, but I just think of romantic love as something that is driven biologically by the desire to mate, pair-bond, settle into a family, and procreate it up. At 59, I feel like all that is behind me (admittedly, I was never big into it in the first place) -- a young man's game, not for me anymore, I've moved on.

[Chuckanut]

Quote:

Originally Posted by irishgal I heard once that “the only reason a man would be interested in a woman over 45 is if she had money, because by then women are way past their prime”. Stuck with me, so after my divorce when I was that age I never even considered dating again. It was sort of like turning off a light switch. Yep I’m going to be a spinster lol!

I strongly suggest viewing the movie "Revenge of the Middle Aged Woman". It's a fun story, with a bit of a predictable fairy tale ending.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0414453/

Note: Christina Lahti makes a lot of sub 45 year olds look sick.

Actually, my ex in her 50's was quite 'hot'. But don't tell her I said so.

[Focus]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sengsational Given I always had a steady GF since HS and still married to my last GF, I imagine another GF is in the cards if this relationship ends for any reason.

Finding a partner when you're young is an entirely different experience. Your options are considerably narrowed with each passing year in midlife and beyond. At least that's my experience. Best to stick with your spouse and appreciate her to no end.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ER Eddie And then, there's just getting older. In some respects, I think dating and falling in love are a young man's/woman's game. I know there are exceptions, but I just think of romantic love as something that is driven biologically by the desire to mate, pair-bond, settle into a family, and procreate it up. At 59, I feel like all that is behind me (admittedly, I was never big into it in the first place) -- a young man's game, not for me anymore, I've moved on.

Exactly. That's how I feel. I knew even before the divorce that I'd never "fall in love" again (the last time was at the age of 40, with my ex, and my love only deepened during those nearly two decades). Now, all the romantic drivers are gone, and procreation and raising a family were never among them.

One thing I'll add, though, is that it's easy enough to say being single is great when one is in good health and things are going well. Part of being in a couple is facing the world as a team and being there for each other when the going gets rough. There's great value in that.

[Chuckanut]

Quote:

Originally Posted by youbet . Another part is society. It seems gals can socialize, be tight friends and live alone without bumping up against any societal norms more easily than men.

Very true. In my travel I have seen many women traveling about with female friends. But, IIRC, I've only come across one pair of men doing the same. Immediately, there was speculation concerning their being gay. Busy bodies know no boundaries, it seems.

Another fun fact, I have come across a number of adult mother-daughters traveling together, and father-daughters traveling together, but never adult father-sons traveling together.

[Dtail]

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Originally Posted by irishgal You are spot on. His parents were the most negatively biased humans I’ve ever encountered.

That usually is the first source of influence leading to this type of behaviour.

[irishgal]

Quote:

Originally Posted by kcowan I appreciate why irishgal wants to take a break! One a*hole is enough. (He sounds to me like a narcissist who get relief out of blaming you for his crappy behaviour!)

Yes! A 15 year and counting break lol!

[ER Eddie]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Focus Exactly. That's how I feel. I knew even before the divorce that I'd never "fall in love" again (the last time was at the age of 40, with my ex, and my love only deepened during those nearly two decades). Now, all the romantic drivers are gone, and procreation and raising a family were never among them.

Yeah, for me, the motivation just isn't there. Part of that is biology: my hormonal push is down, as is their sexual attractiveness. Both of those have to be there, to motivate the work involved in searching, pursuing, getting, and maintaining a relationship. I still occasionally feel a little of that old romantic-sexual pull with women who are much younger. But I'm not going to chase them -- it's too much work, the transactional nature of the relationship is too obvious, and it's embarrassing.

Anyhow, the romantic-sexual pull just isn't there anymore, with women in my age range. I feel friendly towards them -- I've always liked women as people, and I have plenty of friendly female relationships -- but the romantic-sexual pull just doesn't happen anymore. I assume women feel the same about me, and that's fine. It's actually a relief to have that off the table.

Quote:

One thing I'll add, though, is that it's easy enough to say being single is great when one is in good health and things are going well. Part of being in a couple is facing the world as a team and being there for each other when the going gets rough. There's great value in that.

Yes, it's good to have the emotional support of a wife when you're in declining health. You can get that from family and friends, though, and from church involvement if you're into that. And if worse comes to worse, you can always hire a cute home health nurse and turn your life into a Benny Hill skit. (Not meaning to be insensitive here. I hope you're not in the position you're alluding to.)

Unfortunately, I've known plenty of men who were divorced by their wives after they became ill in mid-life. Spouses do not necessarily stick with you, when the going gets tough. I'm sure men leave their wives sometimes in this situation, too, but women initiate divorce much more often than men do, so I think it's the men who are more often left holding the colostomy bag.

I think it's another reason older single women aren't interested in relationships: they don't want to end up being the caretaker to an ailing man. Women are blessed with longer life expectancies, and they also tend to pair up with men who are older than they are. For example, a 60 year old woman might be looking at a 65 year old guy, thinking, "Do I want to get involved with someone who I might have to end up being a nursemaid to in the next decade? Do I want to end up feeding this guy oatmeal and wiping his butt?" Naturally, that dims their romantic drive a bit, lol. Many women have already spent a good chunk of their lives taking care of other people -- their children, mostly, but also, in their minds anyhow, their ex-husbands, and so they don't relish the idea of doing more of that in their later years. I don't blame them.

It can go the other way, too, of course. My brother is in that situation now. His wife, a fine person, has been chronically ill for at least 5 years and is getting worse -- diabetes, advanced liver problems, gout, fatigue, muscle aches. She can't work, has no energy, and often can't even walk. This puts a lot of strain on my brother, who has to carry a full load plus half of hers. He gets down about it, understandably. There is certainly something noble about what he is doing -- the self-sacrifice involved in caretaking for someone he loves, as she struggles with chronic illness. But it's a hard road, a prolonged struggle, and not something I would want to sign up for.