Driving Becoming Dangerous - What to Do?

[Ronstar]

MIL was going to give up the keys last April when she was due for a drivers test. She didn’t want to take the test.

But she went alone to the dmv unknown to us, took the test and passed. Then rammed her car into a furniture store a couple months later. Nobody injured, but she spent 2 days in hospital getting tests because she claims that she fainted. Tests found nothing.

The car was totaled. DW took her mom to the dmv and surrendered her license. We now get her groceries and take her to appointments.

I wish that we would have been more forceful to forfeit her license before the accident.

 

[Walt34]

[rant mode on] All of this is why I've thought for decades that driver standards in the U.S. are far too lax, and that everyone, not just any given group, should have to take the entire test from scratch all over again every two to four years. You say you've been driving for decades, never put a scratch on a car, routinely drive 200 mph on the track and are a great driver? Then it shouldn't be any bother at all to prove it.

Germany I think is one of the few countries that takes driving skills seriously and the penalties for misbehavior are severe compared to the U.S. and most other countries. It takes some effort to get a driver's license, not just drive around the block without crashing, which is all that I had to do. (My employer, however, was a lot more particular.) The U.S. would do well to emulate Germany's system.[rant mode off]

 

[BoodaGazelle]

As you are probably aware, this is one of the biggest issues with aging parents. My FIL was starting to deteriorate, and putting in a word with the local Sheriff's office was able to force him to get a state (NC) test, which basically caused his license to be revoked. He was very unhappy, and we expected more trouble, but he ended up in a nursing home due to other factors...


Most states now probably have similar programs to force a test on unsafe drivers.


Good luck!

 

[bigcmagor]

All four of my grandparents ended up in nursing homes due to accidents caused by my grandfathers. Now dad is 84 and banging up his car routinely. Mom is 82 and ran over a curb damaging a wheel the last time I saw her drive. The only response my pleas to give up driving have accomplished is the addition of an umbrella policy. The thought of someone he injured taking his life savings scared him enough to do that. Dad suffers from Parkinsons-similar walking and balance issues and has taken serious falls regularly. When I tried to solicit some help from his neurologist, he suggested it was easier for dad to drive than to walk. Well thanks a lot Doc. After that, dad offered to drive the three hour trip home. This is not an easy problem to figure out and I wish I could offer some advice that worked for me.

 

[braumeister]

Germany I think is one of the few countries that takes driving skills seriously

Yes, I have friends in Germany and they've told me what they had to go through to get a license. Formal training, difficult testing, and quite expensive. But the ones who get a license are really good drivers! I don't think we could ever implement a system like theirs, but we could certainly do better than what we have in most states.

 

[oldphd]

My grandmother lived in a small midwest town, say 100K population or so.

She had cataracts that prevented her from driving... this was in the 70s or so when cataract surgery was nothing like today. Well, at some point she finally got the cataracts fix and started driving again after about 20 years off, she would've been about 70. IIRC it was in patient, lay in a hospital bed with a sandbag on your eyes, something along those lines. I was a kid so I may be off here...

She felt she always had right of way, and had multiple fender benders. Fortunately, nothing serious, no one got hurt. But she did her best to hide this from her only child, my dad.

Well, it turns out my dad's cousin married a guy who turned out to be her body shop go to guy (second and third marriage for them) The cousin ratted her out, and my dad was able to address the driving.

 

[braumeister]

One of my favorite stories. Mom was in her late 80s and had long since given up driving due to her extremely limited vision. When she moved from NY to Ohio she was delighted to find a neighbor, nearly the same age, who still had a car and was happy to drive her around.

One day they were going along and the neighbor asked Mom "What color is that traffic light up ahead?"
Mom's response was "What light?"
When she told me the story later I said "Do you really feel safe in a car with her?"
"Well, no I guess not."
And that was the end of their excursions. Luckily there was good local bus service.

 

[Mr._Graybeard]

One of my favorite stories. Mom was in her late 80s and had long since given up driving due to her extremely limited vision. When she moved from NY to Ohio she was delighted to find a neighbor, nearly the same age, who still had a car and was happy to drive her around.

One day they were going along and the neighbor asked Mom "What color is that traffic light up ahead?"
Mom's response was "What light?"
When she told me the story later I said "Do you really feel safe in a car with her?"
"Well, no I guess not."
And that was the end of their excursions. Luckily there was good local bus service.

That reminds me of an old Will Rogers joke. "When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."

 

[wallygator69]

We (my sisters & I) took my Mom out for lunch and basically told her (in a very nice way) that her driving days were done and we were taking away the keys. Gave her alternatives (the Township Senior bus, we'd run some errands for her, etc.). She resisted a little, but not too much... then we had a junk service come and buy her (very old) car.

Friend's Mom was 102. They had the talk and took her keys. She said it was OK. Next day she took a cab and bought a brand new car. LOL.


Good luck


Wally

 

[NoiseBoy]

Dad did all of the driving. When he got into his 80s they took shorter trips and eventually stopped going out after dark. He began to run into things and dinging up the car. He was, and still is, generally healthy, but he has arthritis, is very hard of hearing, and is developing cataracts that he won't have surgery for. I can't recall exactly how old Dad was, early 90s at least, and we were seeing his PCP when the subject of driving came up and his doctor straight out told him that he shouldn't be driving anymore. It was a combination of things, but mainly I think it was his mobility and reaction times. Dad was very unhappy about it, but abided by his doctor's orders. Mom was probably even more upset about their loss of mobility. The apartment that they downsized into was really nice, but its one key flaw was a lack of sidewalks. Fortunately, not too long after this, my retired sister moved back to help take care of Mom & Dad. We sold their car.

 

[LiveBelowMeans]

We went through this with my father. He totaled his big car and refused to give up his right to drive. We researched best cars for seniors, and settled on a Subaru Forester with all the safety features including auto braking, lane departure control, blind spot detection, cameras etc. He knows he’s on a short leash and now drives much slower and more cautious. The car is much easier to maneuver and the driver position is higher. Fingers crossed...

 

[braumeister]

When we moved here to what we hope will be our last home, one of my ironclad requirements was that there should be sidewalk all the way to the supermarket.

 

[PatrickA5]

If we're all still around in 20-30 years, we can start a thread complaining about our kids wanting to take the keys away when we are all perfectly good drivers! I'll put a note somewhere to remind me to start it.

 

[Car-Guy]

If we're all still around in 20-30 years, we can start a thread complaining about our kids wanting to take the keys away when we are all perfectly good drivers! I'll put a note somewhere to remind me to start it.

Hopefully they'll have autonomous driving vehicles by then.

 

[harllee]

Friend's Mom was 102. They had the talk and took her keys. She said it was OK. Next day she took a cab and bought a brand new car. LOL.


Good luck


Wally

wow still driving at age 102

 

[Teacher Terry]

My dad loved to drive and had a big stroke at 59. When he got home from the hospital after 2 weeks he took his driver’s license out of his wallet, crumpled it up and threw it across the room while saying that he would never drive again. My mom drove until about a year before she died at 89. She kept her car in case she felt well enough but she never did. Hopefully I will be as smart.

 

[audreyh1]

Wow - there are some really wild stories here!

Shortly after turning 86 DF declared he wasn't driving anymore and thus had to move to a "nursing home". By that time he was only driving from the country to a small town 5 miles away. He ate breakfast and lunch out, then had something light at home for dinner.

So we helped him move to a small group home in a nearby town because there was no way to live out in the country and not drive.

People told us how lucky we are. DF just remembered how anxious they were about his mother driving as she aged, and didn't want to do the same.

 

[Kroeran]

Uber may be an alternative.

I would think only a small minority of older drivers giving up keys have a smart phone or could manage the uber app.

Uber or a third party needs to provide a voice or one touch physical button summons service.

It also underlines the importance of living within walking distance of stores and services in anticipation of losing license.

 

[audreyh1]

It also underlines the importance of living within walking distance of stores and services in anticipation of losing license.

Once you get old enough, walking beyond short distances may be more difficult than driving. It certainly was in DF’s case. So I’m not sure being within “walking distance” is practical. Crossing half a parking lot was very difficult - he finally got a handicapped parking permit after much encouragement from us. Shopping and cooking had also become too burdensome. He would drive to restaurants for breakfast and lunch and have cereal for dinner.

 

[oldphd]

Couple of posts reminded me of another, kinda sorta related tale...

When #1 son was a couple of years out of college, he was still driving an older Honda Prelude that we had for the kids. It was rough, odometer had stopped working at 140K miles, but reasonable estimate was it had 170K miles. No speedometer. I just kept waiting for it to die, I didn't want to spend any money and he sure didn't. But he was doing a job that required visiting customers regularly so he had to drive.

One day, a friend of a friend at DW's school posted they had a car for sale. It was 3-4 year old Kia Optima. With 8K miles. Belonged to their father who had bought a brand new car at age 93, while living in AZ. Proverbial go 2 miles to the grocery and church type car. 2K of those miles were from the drive back to OH after he passed away.

The family was always upset that he'd bought a new car at 93, actually that someone would sell it to him, they felt he was taken advantage of. But he was independent and still driving and had the money, so it was his choice.

Since Kias at the time (over 10 years ago) had a bad rep, the blue book had dropped to less than 50% of the original price despite the low mileage. They didn't have anyone in the family who was ready for a car, so we got it for $8K. Really nice family, actually pleased to see my not long out of college kid who was still getting established get it.

He drive the daylights out of it, was up to somewhere around 130K miles. It was having issues, making bad noises, but he said he would drive it until it stopped! Literally got into it one day to go home and it wouldn't shift out of 1st (automatic). So he drives it home at 15 MPH or whatever, fortunately just a few miles over city streets. Went out the next day and got a 2 year old used car, and called a tow truck to pick up the Kia.

 

[2017ish]

I would think only a small minority of older drivers giving up keys have a smart phone or could manage the uber app.

Uber or a third party needs to provide a voice or one touch physical button summons service.

....

Thus is our situation with MIL (90). We are the closest kids to her and FIL, at 8 hours. FIL was the tech person and is now unable. She has become even less tech comfortable with age. Luckily, her local, daytime driving still checks out ok on our frequent trips, as there is no way she could figure out smart phone and Uber/lyft. Fortunately, she has a lot of extended family in the area and we have close friends minutes away for when the time comes....

(Trying to enable her to order groceries online, even with TeamViewer, this spring was an adventure that failed!)

 

[Koolau]

Years back, I finally had to take my dad's car away. Fortunately, he didn't call the police on me. Mom backed me up and dad was sort of okay with it. I was close by and could help out when they needed to go someplace. I guess the final straw was the time Dad called me from a small town 30+ miles away and was asking me why the meeting (he thought he was supposed to attend) wasn't actually happening. I was afraid I was going to have to go lead him home, but he finally made it.

He'd already totaled a couple of his cars - though, thankfully, no injuries or even citations - never could figure out if he was at fault. So, painful but necessary.

Oh, and MIL DID call the police on her daughter (my DW) when she took the car! MIL had loaned the car to some young man who, as it turned out, did NOT have a DL. MIL had also let the insurance lapse. That was sort of a big horror show. FORTUNATELY, MIL's son (my BIL) was a local LEO! He backed up his sister! You had to be there so YMMV.

 

[Rustic23]

At 77 and DW 76, we can see the day coming. We went through this with my father and both my older brother (81) and I agreed we would not put our kids through this. Neither of us, as far as I know, have had a driving problem. My daughter did comment on my driving once, but I was 55, so I am not sure I trust her judgment.

So I read these post with a little different view. We live rural. A sidewalk to the store would be 33 miles long. We can have groceries delivered, but not pizza. I currently make my auto purchase decisions on the amount of safety equipment and the ability to self drive. I am not to the point yet, but I am giving a hard look at a Tesla. We use Lane Keeping, and Adaptive Cruise control, but as safety aids not as self driving aids.

My point is, we all will be on the Senior end of the stick some day. For the senior it is more than 'not keeping up with technology'. Most of the technology in my kids house comes from hand me downs from our house. Driving represents freedom, giving it up represents one step closer to the guy dressed in black with a scythe in his hand.

 

[JohnRM]

My dad was always the only person I really felt comfortable riding with. He had no tickets in all the decades he drove. But when he was parked nose-in at the Costco, he floored it (he was nearly deaf) and went to shift into reverse- I reached over and turned the key off. I drove him home with the excuse that he was probably exhausted from the shopping trip. Later that day he just decided he was done driving. Always a very logical man.

I am glad we didn't have to take his keys, but would have if needed- lives at stake.

 

[BasketCase24]

The Hand of God (and quirks of postal service)

My dad, now gone over 23 years, was not going to give up driving. When he started the car, he floored the gas pedal because he could not hear that it started until it reached high rpm!

He and mom moved to our small town, while they still owned the farm 3 hours away. I was driving dad and I to the farm when we were stopped by the state police, because it appeared my registration was expired. I could not find new registration, but the kind officer let me go with a warning.

When we returned from the farm, I asked dad if I could borrow his car while we figured out what was going on with the truck registration. That night, his parked car was totaled in front of my house by a drunk driver. Dad and mom never asked to replace the car.

We found out that, three years earlier, the local post office had stopped having the local post office delivery person sort the mail. When they did that, the truck registration, which was erroneously addressed to West Main Street (we lived on East Main Street), was actually SENT to West Main Street, and we never got them! (The local post office delivery person knew our name and overcame the error - until he was eliminated!)

No one noticed the expired registration sticker for several years because it was hidden by the trailer hitch ball. That is, until it was important for the expired registration to be noticed, and cause the vehicle swap, and eliminate the problem of dad's degrading driving skills!

And THAT is the rest of the story... (BTW, the registration was inactive for so long, I got a new registration and did not have to pay the delinquent fees! Saved money, but not something I'd recommend!)