ziggy29
Moderator Emeritus
One other thought: It's often good to step back and look at the entire "body of work"; that is, the entire duration of the partnership, past, present and future.
She certainly held up her end of the bargain as a SAHM, I'm willing to bet. It's possible that she may have even pulled *more* than her weight, especially if yours was like some households where when Dad got off work, he was *off*, while Mom was pretty much on call more than 8:00-5:00 Monday through Friday.
Marriage is not 50/50. "Keeping score" is rarely healthy, if ever. Sometimes marriage is 80/20; other times it's 20/80. There are likely going to be times when one of you is carrying the other on your back, and vice versa. Just because you are doing most of the heavy lifting now doesn't mean you always have, or even that you always will. Does she at least deal with the housework, and running the errands so you don't have to deal with those outside work hours? If so, I suspect it's closer to a "fair deal" than you are thinking it is, because it's not *all* about money and who is earning it when it comes to managing a household. In any event, it seems pretty evident that using a stick isn't going to work. Got any carrots?
I spent most of the first 21 years of our marriage bearing most of the burden, which I (mostly) accepted freely. I had the main job responsibilities. I brought in the (relatively) big paycheck and the benefits, while my lovely bride flittered in and out of jobs and in and out of school trying to discover what she ultimately wanted to do. (Keep in mind also that we had no kids, so being a parent, male or female, did not apply.) Sometimes this was 80/20, sometimes more like 60/40, but only occasionally close to "50/50" because she often did most of the housework and ran the errands when she wasn't working much.
Well, when she finally discerned her vocational calling and got started in it (I was about 45 at the time), we were pretty well set, I was close to being able to quit my IT job (I planned to pull the plug at 50).... and then I was laid off at 47. For quite a while I did almost nothing and loved it. Suddenly it was 20/80. I was the "slacker" and she was the breadwinner.
Neither of us ever felt like we needed to accuse the other of not pulling their weight. Looking back to the past and into what we expect for the future, I don't think either of us feel cheated or are unfairly being put upon. It will probably never finish out as 50/50, but we feel it's close enough that it's not worth developing toxic attitudes about who is doing more.
That's often easier said than done, I know, and I guess we are just blessed to have found each other.
She certainly held up her end of the bargain as a SAHM, I'm willing to bet. It's possible that she may have even pulled *more* than her weight, especially if yours was like some households where when Dad got off work, he was *off*, while Mom was pretty much on call more than 8:00-5:00 Monday through Friday.
Marriage is not 50/50. "Keeping score" is rarely healthy, if ever. Sometimes marriage is 80/20; other times it's 20/80. There are likely going to be times when one of you is carrying the other on your back, and vice versa. Just because you are doing most of the heavy lifting now doesn't mean you always have, or even that you always will. Does she at least deal with the housework, and running the errands so you don't have to deal with those outside work hours? If so, I suspect it's closer to a "fair deal" than you are thinking it is, because it's not *all* about money and who is earning it when it comes to managing a household. In any event, it seems pretty evident that using a stick isn't going to work. Got any carrots?
I spent most of the first 21 years of our marriage bearing most of the burden, which I (mostly) accepted freely. I had the main job responsibilities. I brought in the (relatively) big paycheck and the benefits, while my lovely bride flittered in and out of jobs and in and out of school trying to discover what she ultimately wanted to do. (Keep in mind also that we had no kids, so being a parent, male or female, did not apply.) Sometimes this was 80/20, sometimes more like 60/40, but only occasionally close to "50/50" because she often did most of the housework and ran the errands when she wasn't working much.
Well, when she finally discerned her vocational calling and got started in it (I was about 45 at the time), we were pretty well set, I was close to being able to quit my IT job (I planned to pull the plug at 50).... and then I was laid off at 47. For quite a while I did almost nothing and loved it. Suddenly it was 20/80. I was the "slacker" and she was the breadwinner.
Neither of us ever felt like we needed to accuse the other of not pulling their weight. Looking back to the past and into what we expect for the future, I don't think either of us feel cheated or are unfairly being put upon. It will probably never finish out as 50/50, but we feel it's close enough that it's not worth developing toxic attitudes about who is doing more.
That's often easier said than done, I know, and I guess we are just blessed to have found each other.