Family Entropy

[kannon]

Wow - lots of interesting stories. Good to hear similar situations. I know with today's generation, much more mobility so never really know where things will go. So don't plan your life around it.

Not using kids as a social outlet. It's more that we worked so hard to be FIRE and in a position to give them help (time, not money I am speaking to) that will miss not having the full opportunity. We're both active in volunteer efforts so it's been enjoyable giving back, just was hoping we could do that too for the kids (e.g., baby sitting, day care,... those little things that parents much need).

 

[Turn_the_Page]

We have a LOT of friends here in the greater Houston area that are retired and moved here because their kids/grandkids are here and likely aren't going anywhere. I rarely go a week without meeting someone and asking why moved here (after all, almost no one is a Houston native) and they respond "the kids". I will add that some are not that happy, as they are letting themselves be taken advantage of and are full time baby sitters in the Summers.

On the other hand, my Midwestern in-laws refused to move, even though all the kids were in Texas.

You do the best you can with the cards you've been dealt.

 

[athena53]

Things change. My 5 siblings and I were raised in Ohio but 30+ years ago Mom and Dad moved to Myrtle Beach. We were all out of college by then and one brother had settled in Charlotte. Now I'm the only holdout; I was in NJ when they moved and then moved to the KC area for my job in 2003. My only son and his family are 3 hours from here so I have no plans to migrate to the Carolinas.


Despite all the shifting around, my parents have wonderful relationships with their grandchildren. DS and I came from NJ at least twice a year, which helped. I may eventually find a retirement community nearer to DS, but I'm "only" 63 and have a wide network where I live now, so that may be awhile.

 

[Sanstar]

When DH and I began our life together, we were far from family. My MIL commented often that I had a duty to stay close to family so she could enjoy her grandchildren. We did, at one point, live a couple hours away and I can count on one hand the times they came to visit. Those occasions were drive-byes en-route to other family. When we moved across the country three years later, they made a point of coming 2-3 times a year and staying for at least 3 days. Much more meaningful visits with lots of photos of them and grandchildren out and about to look back on.

Now we are on the other side of the equation with one son nearby, one across the great state of Texas and one out of state. Since I'm retired I can visit whenever, but do hold to the fish rule (fish and family visits all stink after 3 days). We text and call frequently and when grandchildren arrive, I expect to learn to Skype and will be very happy to stay longer if babysitting is needed.

Makes me think about generations not too far back who said goodbye to family moving across the country with no expectation of ever seeing each other again. 3D printing, self-driving cars: will teleporting be an option in the near future?


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[HFWR]

All of my immediate family eventually left our hometown. Older brother and I stayed close by for a few years, but eventually left for greener pastures. Younger brother never came back after college. Sister eventually followed me to Texas. My parents moved to FL as soon as they retired.

My son ended up in DFW; after the child support ran out, my DE-W shipped him this way. Just as well, as he was hanging with a crowd of meth/oxycontin freaks, which unfortunately describes too many in the old hometown... Somewhat ironic that my parents also moved to DFW just before my DM passed.

We only get together 1-2 times a year with the whole famn damily, and slightly more often for the DFW locals.

We get along well, though life/political/religious ideologies mean that most of us have little in common, so wouldn't necessarily be hanging together as "buddies".

 

[ivinsfan]

We have a LOT of friends here in the greater Houston area that are retired and moved here because their kids/grandkids are here and likely aren't going anywhere. I rarely go a week without meeting someone and asking why moved here (after all, almost no one is a Houston native) and they respond "the kids". I will add that some are not that happy, as they are letting themselves be taken advantage of and are full time baby sitters in the Summers.

On the other hand, my Midwestern in-laws refused to move, even though all the kids were in Texas.

You do the best you can with the cards you've been dealt.

It's curious you used the word "refused" did you actually ask them to relocate near you? Otherwise, It seems that they just made a decision to stay in a familiar place. You put kind of a negative spin on them with the word refused.

 

[fasteddie911]

Good timing on this post as I've been thinking about this topic a lot lately. I'm actually on the opposite end, as I have been thinking of where I want to settle down my family for the long term and I'm contemplating whether I want to move near my parents. I've spent many years for school/work far away from my parents and family (who all live within 30mins of each other) and now my parents want me to move nearby. While they're great and gave me a great childhood, they can be a little intrusive and judgmental (as can be the rest of my extended family), and it's nice having a little distance from that. It's a tough call as my family has lived in that area for generations and I had a great childhood that I'd want my kids to experience, but I'm not sure it's worth it.

 

[SumDay]

While visiting with some friends at church, one asked me if it bothered me that both our kids live far enough away that we have to fly to visit. Before I could answer a woman who had a 50+ year old son with Downs Syndrome piped in and said "I wish I knew what that felt like." Put it all in perspective for me. You rarely have to look very far to find someone worse off than you.

We have come to realize if/when we get grand kids, we probably won't be a huge influence in their life. It's OK, we could have worse problems. Our kids are happy, healthy and self-sufficient.

 

[Texas Proud]

As someone else mentioned, there are many ways to keep in touch...

My DW's mother lives in Europe... she talks to her by Skype 3 to 5 times a week... she comes to visit about every 2 years and DW and kids go to visit the other years... DW does not keep in touch with her brother much and even though her brother lives close to their mom does not talk to her nearly as much as she does...

Now, I had 5 siblings... one lives a mile away from us... mom lives maybe 3 or so... I talk to the oldest (one mile) maybe once a week and see her maybe once a month... we do see my mom at least once a week... my other siblings and I talk every once in awhile, but not any kind of regular basis... we do try and get together on holidays and other important days...

But, we do have a brother that almost never talks to anybody... even our mom... last anyone has heard from him was about a year ago...

So, distance means nothing... what matters is the relationship...

 

[Walt34]

Of course today compared to 100 years ago it is far easier to stay in touch even if living on opposite sides of the world (plus or minus the issue of time zones).

We have a "niece" (close family friend for a long time) in the Navy stationed in Bahrain and have had Facetime talks with her.

Facetime is an application that comes with an iPhone. It allows video and speech conversation real time. Pure science fiction when I was her age. And kinda neat.

 

[HadEnuff]

It could be worse. They could want to move back in with you.

 

[cathy63]

I guess we are a bit of an exception. My parents raised us 2400 and 3000 miles from their own hometowns where their parents lived. DH and I live 550 miles from our parents. Our daughter currently lives 2700 miles from us.

To me it would seem strange to live so close to grandparents that seeing them wouldn't require significant planning and effort.

 

[MBAustin]

Although I grew up in the same small MD town where my parents were raised, they raised us to be independent and self-sufficient just as the OP describes. It was pure chance that we lived only about 200 miles away when our two kids (their only grandkids) were born, so that was really nice. We moved to Europe when the kids were 6 & 3, and then to TX. They then retired to FL. Through it all, we visited them at least once a year, and they sometimes visited us, but we talked on the phone nearly every week.

Our kids are now both on the east coast and we'll probably see them only once or twice a year for the foreseeable future. No grandkids anywhere on the horizon - both are firmly unattached. We do try to talk weekly and are very thankful they are both doing so well.

 

[Asher Aion]

Reading through this post made me ponder a bit. Both my parents along with their families immigrated from Europe after WW2 to the city where I still live, my DF had 8 siblings and my DM had 10. Combined I had 50 cousins in my life, although most were older than myself. 10 live in the same city as myself.

Today I have one cousin who I talk to regularly and 3 others who I see several time a year. Several more My DW will communicate with on social media. I have cousins in Europe (4), Asia (1), DB and family in Central America, a few cousins in the US, and the rest in Canada. My sister lives 10 minutes away, my DM 20 minutes. My son left home at 17 for university, my DD lives with us and is in the local college.

I live one (1) mile from where my fathers family immigrated to, and as my son joked recently, I lived in 4 houses within 1 square mile for all 50 years of my life.

 

[ugeauxgirl]

My brother is the only one who is still living in my home state- but he's about to move about 3 hours away from my parents in my direction- an hour and a half from me. My sister lives in the other direction. My parents are considering moving to the same town as my brother as they are anticipating needing care at some point and this way they will be nearer two of their children- also my brother is a nurse.

No one asked me so I have not volunteered my opinion, but I actually don't think this is a great idea. I have known several retirees who have moved to be near their children and regretted it. Their kids are working and busy with their own kids and didn't have very much time to spend with their parents- and parents have left all of their friends behind. The situation is even worse when the parent is single and not able to get out and meet new friends.

I'd just visit as much as I can if I were you. My parents have recently started doing this- dad calls on a Tuesday and asks if they can come for the weekend. We're always happy to see them

 

[skipro33]

My oldest son moved his family to New Zealand 7 years ago, taking our (at the time) Only 2 grand children. We were devastated. They can't afford to fly a family of 5 (yes, a 3rd grand child was born in New Zealand) to the states more than once every 3 years or so. We can afford maybe every other year and then that's our whole travel budget since we want to spend time with them and stay for a month or so.
I bite my tongue on the topic with them because I do not want to spend even a minute with anything negative when we do get together.

I HATE New Zealand! The negative connotation due to the situation is such that I can not enjoy the country, knowing that I'll have to say good bye without knowing when I'll ever see them again.

We SKYPE, but it's a poor substitution.

Fast forward to last July;
Son was able to come for a visit and bring the family. While here, he applied for a position at a near by university. They offered him a position, so he then looked into buying a house and what that might cost before accepting. He found a house. He took the job! He cashed in the family's tickets back to New Zealand except for his, and I got a ticket too. We flew back there, sold everything they own. (Way too expensive to ship household stuff. Besides, it's worth more in New Zealand used, than what it cost new in USA) In two weeks, we sold everything from the kitchen utensils to the family cars. This year, he was offered a Dean position at the university, his wife, who has a teaching credential, is now teaching, the kids are all doing well in school and best of all, they live within an hour's drive from us!!!

My advice is;
keep up a positive appearance. Time together is too precious to fight. Never give them the chance to use hard feelings for staying away. Love will win out.
We get to go to soccer games, swim meets, school plays, dance recitals, spend birthdays, holidays and just BBQ's together. We thought that we would never be able to just hang and relax; always in the back of our minds the day we had to leave and go back home.

I pray, as a grand parent, that all your dreams of family will come true like ours did.

P.S.
One good thing that came of their move to New Zealand is the grand kids all have Kiwi accents. Melts my heart when they ask, "Papa, will you take us for a lolly?" (lolly is a term used for any sweets)

 

[HadEnuff]

My oldest son moved his family to New Zealand 7 years ago, taking our (at the time) Only 2 grand children. We were devastated. They can't afford to fly a family of 5 (yes, a 3rd grand child was born in New Zealand) to the states more than once every 3 years or so. We can afford maybe every other year and then that's our whole travel budget since we want to spend time with them and stay for a month or so.
I bite my tongue on the topic with them because I do not want to spend even a minute with anything negative when we do get together.

I HATE New Zealand! The negative connotation due to the situation is such that I can not enjoy the country, knowing that I'll have to say good bye without knowing when I'll ever see them again.

We SKYPE, but it's a poor substitution.

Fast forward to last July;
Son was able to come for a visit and bring the family. While here, he applied for a position at a near by university. They offered him a position, so he then looked into buying a house and what that might cost before accepting. He found a house. He took the job! He cashed in the family's tickets back to New Zealand except for his, and I got a ticket too. We flew back there, sold everything they own. (Way too expensive to ship household stuff. Besides, it's worth more in New Zealand used, than what it cost new in USA) In two weeks, we sold everything from the kitchen utensils to the family cars. This year, he was offered a Dean position at the university, his wife, who has a teaching credential, is now teaching, the kids are all doing well in school and best of all, they live within an hour's drive from us!!!

My advice is;
keep up a positive appearance. Time together is too precious to fight. Never give them the chance to use hard feelings for staying away. Love will win out.
We get to go to soccer games, swim meets, school plays, dance recitals, spend birthdays, holidays and just BBQ's together. We thought that we would never be able to just hang and relax; always in the back of our minds the day we had to leave and go back home.

I pray, as a grand parent, that all your dreams of family will come true like ours did.

P.S.
One good thing that came of their move to New Zealand is the grand kids all have Kiwi accents. Melts my heart when they ask, "Papa, will you take us for a lolly?" (lolly is a term used for any sweets)

I'm glad things turned out so well for you! My son is married to an Australian girl and they have decided to live in the USA. My wife and I are happy to not be half a world away, but we feel for her parents who have to live so far away from their daughter and their grandchild, soon to be grandchildren. Fortunately, they have 2 other children with grandchildren who do live near them in Oz, and there is money enough for them to travel, or provide the kids with tickets, but still, I know they are heartsick when it comes time to say good-bye. And in the back of my mind I know I'd be devastated if they moved to Australia.

 

[traineeinvestor]

Slightly different situation, but our older daughter starts boarding school in New Zealand in Feb 2017 (young daughter will follow 2 years later). This is good for us as we will be able to visit the country more often and catch up with relatives and old friends more frequently than the current school holiday schedules allow. Given my parents' age, I really want to see them as often as I can while I can.

 

[MRG]

My advice is;
keep up a positive appearance. Time together is too precious to fight. Never give them the chance to use hard feelings for staying away. Love will win out.


I pray, as a grand parent, that all your dreams of family will come true like ours did.

Great advice!

I recall shortly after moving 1200 miles away from parents, mine visited. Well DF got upset over a question he'd asked about our take on the upcoming election(early 1980s). We saw the election different from DF and being 22 yo said so. Man refused to talk to either of us for the rest of the visit! If we'd had any thoughts of ever being closer that visit destroyed them.

 

[FIREd]

I live 6,000 miles away from the rest of my family. They all live within a few miles from each other, so I am definitely the odd man out. I came to the US for graduate school, with every intention to go back home afterwards. Then I met my soulmate and stayed. My parents were crushed. We skype regularly but I also spend a few weeks back "home" every year because skype is a poor substitute for togetherness.

 

[SteveNU]

Left home in southern California at the age of 19 when I went into the Navy. Ended up on the east coast and married a girl from New Hampshire. We settled in Connecticut and have been there ever since. I always joke that we ended up in Connecticut because it was halfway between my family and hers! All of my family is still in California and we only see them occasionally.

Our three kids and two grandkids are all still within an hours drive of us and I don't see that changing anytime soon. They are all settled in there own places and doing fine. We do a LOT of babysitting but it is our choice right now and we enjoy it for the most part, knowing that it is a gift that we have been able to be a part of their lives as they grow up.

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[45th Birthday]

I'd just visit as much as I can if I were you. My parents have recently started doing this- dad calls on a Tuesday and asks if they can come for the weekend. We're always happy to see them

I would just caution both parties in this situation that the last sentence is the most important. My in-laws are in their 90's and not in good health. That doesn't stop MIL from inviting themselves to our places and then harassing my wife when she demurs. They require constant care, and resist bringing helpers with them (finances not an issue). MIL is very self-centered and controlling; we are lucky we moved 500+ miles away from them (wife lived in the same city) right after we were married. FIL is a prince and we enjoy his company. We are hoping not to ever do this to our kids, but more importantly that will be happy as you are for a visit.