fear of isolation

thanks all for your comments, most people seem to think that being involved in the local community is the key to avoid isolation, im not sure that we will be settling down somewhere since we plan to travel, i am also looking at alternative living spaces ie boat, rv, living conventionally is not for me, i am interested in alternative ways of thinking and living...

re ed the gypseys comments, ed i have moved around all my life, there is no real place to call home, when you are younger these things dont bother you so much, but when you get older they do, it just scares me you know if anything happens to my husband i will be left all alone..... no amount of money can make lonliness bearable,

anyway at least i will be free from wages slavery, sorry for the maudlin post, just the way i feel at the moment
 
I had an uncle who retired at age 62 from a steel company (read excellent union pension/health plan). Hardly ever left his house. He passed away several years ago at 80 years old. The highlight of his day was when the mailman delivered the mail. Talk about isolation!

When I began to visualize my early retirement, this really drove the point home to me that I will need to get out of the house and become involved in stuff that provides some level of social, recreational, and/or intellectual stimulation. What have we accomplished by LBYM, retire early and then sit home and be a prisoner in your own house?
 
If the only people you normally see are the people at work, then of course you'll feel some isolation when you no longer see them for 40 hours a week.  I had some coworkers that I'd seen on that basis for 25 years, and when you suddenly can't turn around and tell Jeff or Mary Jo about the funny thought you just had it is a bit jarring.

But you get used to it.

I'm 8 months into ER, and I'm still keeping as busy as I want to be with all of those "when I retire I need to do . . ." projects.  Once I get some of my race bikes running I'll be able to start racing again, which means I'll be getting to see people at the races.  But even with that there is still the problem that most of those people with a shared hobby either 1) still work, so that I am not going to be seeing them during the workday, and/or 2) don't live close enough by even if they aren't working so as to allow easy visiting.

Luckily, while I'm mildly gregarious, I don't need to be surrounded with people.  I'm sure that if I get to the point where I'm feeling a real craving to see some other (than my partner) people I'll be able to think of something to do to satisfy that desire.  There is certainly no shortage of possible things to do in the world.

On the other hand, I'm not one of those people who subscribes to the "you can't make real friends and have real relationships with people on the Internet" idea.  I've got plenty of 'net friends with shared interests, and I've managed to see some of the ones from foreign countries, either here at my home or at theirs.  I have a lot more daily interaction via email with those people than I do with members of my family, none of which live closer than a couple of states away.

Nord's "you've got to take responsibility for your own entertainment in retirement" adage is just as applicable to "social interactions".

cheers,
Michael
 
claire said:
thanks all for your comments, most people seem to think that being involved in the local community is the key to avoid isolation, im not sure that we will be settling down somewhere since we plan to travel, i am also looking at alternative living spaces ie boat, rv, living conventionally is not for me, i am interested in alternative ways of thinking and living...
Click to expand...
If you boat, rv or live in some other unconventional manner, you will find a community that does the same. You don't have to be tied down to one physical location to enjoy community.

Audrey
 
Claire, it sounds like we are alike in many ways: no kids, moving/traveling with DH and happy about it, but worried that one day I will be alone. I find myself dwelling on this from time to time, but I really have to remind myself to live in the now. Now we are happy with each other, now we are financially secure enough to leave our jobs, now we are living life how we want. No one knows what will happen in the future, dwelling on it only creates a problem in the now.
 
If you stop to think about it, any of us in a long term relationship could have been "alone" at most anytime during the relationship. Cancer, car crashes, industrial accidents etc can hit at any time/age.

And unless there's some sort of suicide pact or fluke coincidence, one partner or the other is very likely to end up "alone" no matter what.

You may as well plan for it, as unpleasant a task as that may be.

cheers,
Michael
 
Fear?? How about full blown panic attacks??  Although we had this planned for quite some time, the reality of it all didn't hit until the day we moved.  We built a house on an acre, left the rat race, quit our jobs, got rid of most of the clutter and here we are!  YIKES..
I was not prepared for the isolation factor at all. We left most of our friends and family 2 hours away!  The husband has adjusted now, in fact he went back to work at a home improvement store (to get away from me :  )  ) and I am going back to work part time.  I am 47, husband is 51.  I found that I do LIKE working, although we don't have to do it for the money, I still enjoy a challenge and the social interaction.   Plus watching coyotes out my dining room window is not fun for me..... :eek:  I am a city girl at heart.....
 
dogzmum said:
Fear?? How about full blown panic attacks??  Although we had this planned for quite some time, the reality of it all didn't hit until the day we moved.  We built a house on an acre, left the rat race, quit our jobs, got rid of most of the clutter and here we are!  YIKES..
I was not prepared for the isolation factor at all. We left most of our friends and family 2 hours away!  The husband has adjusted now, in fact he went back to work at a home improvement store (to get away from me :  )  ) and I am going back to work part time.  I am 47, husband is 51.  I found that I do LIKE working, although we don't have to do it for the money, I still enjoy a challenge and the social interaction.   Plus watching coyotes out my dining room window is not fun for me..... :eek:  I am a city girl at heart.....
Click to expand...

Thanks for posting this dogsmum. Most people here say they are ecstatic from day one of their retirement. I wasn't!  I was off and on depressed for almost a year. I thought.” What the hell have I got myself into?" Life is different when you can't easily find someone to play with. I will say that I have adapted, but if I had a bigger budget I think I would head out for town.

My wife had her set of problems too. She is easily bored, and when our kids were up she packed up and left for the city and went to work full time, actually for the first time in her life. It was that bad for her I guess.  :) I don't recommend this for the ER budget though, and it still leaves me to deal with my social needs however I can, which as you might imagine has it’s own set of tensions.

I don't think we are all that unusual either, although on this board I woujld say we are. But where I live is a popular retirement destination, and believe me, the most active businesses here are real estate sales and gas stations. There is sure a heavy turnover of dream houses!

I hope life will be better for the two of you with your new jobs.

Ha
 
Wow, you guys are scaring me!

DW and I just put our house on the market in NY and plan on quiting our jobs and moving to Florida. I thought we had this all thought out but these last two posts give me the shakes.

Ha, you actually sound depressed, is this retirement thing that bad?
 
Hi shiny - I would like to hear more about your situation, do you have any close family, what are your immediate plans

I didnt realise until i started speaking to you all that a lot of you share my biggest fear.

Ha Ha, are you ok?
 

Ha: I feel your pain Amigo.

When I decided I'd had enough of 100 hour weeks, and living in the city, (Kids were pretty much raised at that point) we moved 600 miles away, with my slightly under-funded funds ;)

Built a home in the Sierras on the rim of a canyon, about a mile away from any anybody.

I was in my element, and couldn't be happier.
Walking distance to a fly-stream, and a 20 minute drive to a golf course.

My wife, on the other hand, was a City-Gal, raised in New York, and later moved to L.A.
(A real clash of cultures). ;)

In any case, she went along with it. She was a homemaker, and was happy with that vocation.

With the kids gone, and in a totally different situation, she had quite an adjustment period.
I'm damn lucky she didn't play "Sayonara on a steel guitar".

For me personally, it has been a great decision.
For my wife, well, she's adjusted. Has made some very good friendships, and by and large seems pretty happy. (She smiles a lot). ;)

But, I also don't kid myself. The home represents more of my net worth than I should be comfortable with, but I can't imagine living anywhere else. My wife, on the other hand,
(when the "Big Guy" decides it's my time), will , without a doubt be calling a Real Estate Agent".
 
Hey, everyone has problems now and then I'm sure. But it seems from this thread that the people who had the hardest time adjusting to er (and the lack of society caused by it) were ones that had other immediate changes as well (moving to a remote area, kids leaving, separation, etc.) so maybe that is a nugget of wisdom for us all... if it is within your control, make the changes gradually. Get used to er for a year or so before you move into the woods, wait until the kids have been gone a year before er-ing. Just a thought.

claire, I will PM you.
 
Claire,

I have seen some advice here that says after you retire, wait a year before you change anything drastic. Continue living where you are. Don't go on any crazy round-the-world trips. I guess the point of that is (1) discover yourself and who you are, and (2) transition you into the life of endless possibilities.

If you stay where you are, you can still make a point to get together with your old coworkers (that you like) once a month for dinner or to hang out (have tea?). Find new interests and friends. Take some trips for a few days or a few weeks. Ease into it.
 
This is an interesting thread for sure.  My ER is scheduled to begin in a few weeks.  Originally, I felt I wanted to sell this place asap and head out to the lakes and pine trees "upnort."  DW convinced me we needed to stay here in the city near her, my and our families, at least for a while.  While I was originally disappointed, it's starting to make sense.  Getting away via an RV, second home or long term renting (as discussed on other threads) is making more and more sense....

Thanks for the interesting discussion....

youbet
 
I don't know why retiring needs to bring isolation. If one's primary source of social interaction is work-related, I'd say that person is in a pretty sorry state of affairs.

Also, I don't see why retirement needs to mean moving away from your (already established) network of family and friends. Nonetheless, it does seem to be common for people to retire and move away to distant states. But, it is a self caused isolation that I have no sympathy for.
 
Mountain_Mike said:
Nonetheless, it does seem to be common for people to retire and move away to distant states.  But, it is a self caused isolation that I have no sympathy for.
Click to expand...

A little tough love, eh Mike?
 
Mikey, I know that we often want to vent and not have others trying to "solve" our "problems" but maybe you should move to the city and now that Mrs Ha Ha has her full time job and city doings to keep her from being bored she would like to spend more time with you (seeing as she allows conjugal visits and all)? You would be less isolated and away from those dangerous curvy roads and tree branches. Just my unsolicited 2 cents.

Maybe you like the tough love better?
 
This is a valuable discussion. A while back I asked whether combining FIRE with some drastic lifestyle change was a good idea. That discussion might be useful for some of the posters here.

Isolation, loneliness, and even depression prey on the elderly. Gotta watch it if our lifestyle isolates us too much, especially in the middle and late retirement years. Yes, you can always pick up and move back to the city from that country hideaway, but I'm not sure that yet another drastic move at that stage is so easy.

Each to his/her own. It's just something to keep in mind. Trips to the scenic places when the urge hits us will probably be our approach, keeping the homestead in an area where we have friends and are intimate with the neighborhood.
 
shiny said:
Mikey,  I know that we often want to vent and not have others trying to "solve" our "problems" but maybe you should move to the city and  now that Mrs Ha Ha has her full time job and city doings to keep her from being bored she would like to spend more time with you (seeing as she allows conjugal visits and all)?  You would be less isolated and away from those dangerous curvy roads and tree branches.  Just my unsolicited 2 cents. 

Maybe you like the tough love better?
Click to expand...

Shiney, Claire, Jarhead, et al, I truly appreciate and value your thoughtful and loving input. In addition to my wife, who really does like me in limited doses (and I her, though I think my limits are less stringent  :) ), I have 2 adult sons, 2 DILs, and lots of friends from dancing over the years-- all in Seattle or Bellevue. I have friends up here too, but more intimacy and love down there. Until very recently, I spent a couple of nights a week dancing in Seattle, plus one or two nights with my wife. It worked pretty well for me- but I don't know if it is still from the wreck last fall, or just age- but I don't really want to drive home late at night anymore.

So I may move back – I don’t think it would be a disruptive change in the way that Rich is mentioning, because I am already well acquainted and completely familiar down there. For now, I am going to do what I can here. I have an old dog who isn't long for this world, and I don't want to abandon him, nor put him through a big change.

As to depression, I am not depressed. I just have the habit of describing pretty fully what is going on in my life and emotions. In other words, no one would ever say I have a stiff upper lip.  :)

Mikey
 
HaHa said:
For now, I am going to do what I can here. I have an old dog who isn't long for this world, and I don't want to abandon him, nor put him through a big change.
Click to expand...

Your a good man Mikey ol' pal.

Really, I know that you have sons and dance partners (and more people than that probably) who care. I just thought a change of scenery would do you good. (even though I am seeing the same water as you here in Seattle, its just harder to get to!)

ok, pity-party officially over.
 
I understand that this is a genuine concern for those who retired and then moved far away from family, but think back to your working days, just how deep and satisfying were most of the social interactions at work? When there's money involved, it's hard to let your guard down.
 
i am single 56 and moved into my renisance period last year. i relocated to this area with my job 5 years ago. the only acquaintances i had were from work. so i have to say that i have felt a little isolated. i decdied to give it a go and make it my community, at least for 1 more year. i agree with other posters that you need to ease into retirement and not make many changes at once.....
 
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