Feeling sad in retirement

[MBAustin]

I find that putting appointments on my calendar for things I really want to do makes it more likely that I do them. The reminder pops up an hour before so I then make an effort to prepare myself to do the thing. Also I set a timer when I want to limit how long I do something (or to make myself do something good for at least a minimum amount of time). Something about that puts me into a "w*rk-like" discipline and often after a few days (or weeks, as Rodi said) of doing it that way, I find myself back in a better routine. Which reminds me, I need to put "gym" on my calendar as I have been there only once during pandemic times and now that I don't have any travel or other major commitments on my calendar I'm not so terrified of getting COVID from things like that.

[daylatedollarshort]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MBAustin I find that putting appointments on my calendar for things I really want to do makes it more likely that I do them. The reminder pops up an hour before so I then make an effort to prepare myself to do the thing. Also I set a timer when I want to limit how long I do something (or to make myself do something good for at least a minimum amount of time). Something about that puts me into a "w*rk-like" discipline and often after a few days (or weeks, as Rodi said) of doing it that way, I find myself back in a better routine. Which reminds me, I need to put "gym" on my calendar as I have been there only once during pandemic times and now that I don't have any travel or other major commitments on my calendar I'm not so terrified of getting COVID from things like that.

We also like to put some fun things on the calendar to do each week, like a garden visit, attending a play and dinner with friends. I find it fun having things to look forward to. We also usually belong to several clubs, and have made most of our retirement friends from the clubs. I am not very involved in the clubs any more, but they are always there as an option. Our local senior clubs have dinner groups, card games, wine tasting, hikes, bocce ball and many other activities, for times when our friends and family aren't around and we need to find something to do.

[tmitchell]

I can appreciate OP's position, and am glad to read all of your responses.

I am officially 6 months post-j.o.b., and it's definitely been a transition. I didn't feel any sense of joy until about 2 weeks ago when something lifted for a bit, like coming out of the clouds. I've read many accounts of the transition taking a year or more, so that may be part of what we're going through. I was one of those people who were pretty identified with my career so letting go of that identity is something I'm still working through.

I did find after my first month or so that putting a regular schedule together helps, as others here have indicated. I try to follow the wise advise of others who put their health first, so make it a point to exercise for at least one hour every morning. I switch up yoga, gym, hiking to keep the variety going and to make sure I leave the house at least once per day! Being somewhat introverted, the pandemic made it very easy for me to just hole up at home which isn't healthy mentally.

I also include learning a foreign language and meet on zoom with a tutor 2x/week. This is to keep learning and expanding my horizons. I also read some difficult material every day and have started trying to incorporate some kind of creative work as well.

Socializing has been hard, I must say. Virtually all of my friends still have jobs & kids, and I haven't found any new friends in my vicinity. Granted I live in LA and making friends is not easy in this city. I do have some connections online but it's not enough. My SO is still working as well, so I am often faced with having to do things alone which isn't always as fun. For instance, I've been wanting to do some camping and yesterday I had to force myself to pull the trigger on reservations knowing I'll be going alone. The trade off is that I love being in nature, so I'm hoping it will be satisfying.

Anyway this is an interesting journey. I wish you luck!

[sengsational]

I've been retired 8+ years and I also had a bit of a problem like yours at first. Sorry to hear it's being stubborn to let the positives through for you too. Looking back, it seemed I had an idea of how it was "supposed to be", and it didn't align with that idea; I realized all the stuff I'd "wanted to do, but didn't have time", was stuff I just didn't want to do, hehehe! There's a guy, Oliver Burkeman, who wrote a book recently: "Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals", which you might read. It's less about typical ideas of being more efficient, and more about getting comfortable with what we decide to pursue. That's because, each decision means we necessarily close off miriad other possibilities, which sometimes nags at us.

[pacergal]

Why did you retire? What were/are you looking forward too in retirement?

Many people work well into their elder years, some because they need to financially, some cause they love what they do. If you truly miss teaching and feel lost, go back to work if you wish too. Teaching is a career with many times off during the year where you and your DH could do the traveling, etc that DH may want to do in his retirement.

Have you read Ernie Zelinski book "How to Retire Happy, Wild and Free"? It has a great exercise in the Get A Life tree exercise to explore all of the things you may want to do or have wanted to do in the past.

I am someone who likes order in my day, so when I first retired, I had a calendar of "things" to get done each day, whether it is simply watering the garden, housework, reading, going to the gym, it gets ticked off--lol. Small things, but I had a sense of accomplishment.
It didn't take too long before those lists were gone and now I simply enjoy doing whatever I want too, when I want too!

Retirement is wonderful, but I think you have to be ready for it. Maybe you aren't just yet?
Do take care and check in with your provider if you feel your depression may be worsening.

[monte1022]

Is it the teaching or the money? If it is the teaching, then go teach for free. Teach as little or as much as you want. Give instead of sell your knowledge and skills. When exhausted, fall back, rest then go at it again. Stop when you have had enough.

[Montecfo]

Going to the gym is a great idea. Get that into your routine.

Or better yet take a short walk each morning. Physical activity lifts your spirits and you may see neighbors which is helpful too.

Schedule some after school get togethers with work friends. Look up recent retirees from school. Having a couple of events on the calendar is fun to look forward to.

By all means eat well, rest and take care of you. Exercise also helps with all of these.

Best,

Monte

[Teacher Terry]

I have found it more rewarding to help people that need it on a individual basis. I have helped people declutter, have garage sales, take people to doctor appointments, help them with a budget, pay bills, basically anything they are struggling with.

[jollystomper]

Quote:

Originally Posted by pacergal Why did you retire? What were/are you looking forward too in retirement?

This is very true. It can also be summarized as "are you retiring from something, or retiring to something?"

I do not have much else to add to the suggestions already given. For me it comes down to find some things you enjoy and be active with them. You have a valuable commodity whose continued future is unknown, and that is free time.

Do not let others tell you what you should be accomplishing at this stage, you have to decide for yourselves. In some cases I have seen retirement "sadness" due to folks being influenced by what others thought they should be doing.

[Marita40]

If you haven't done it, I'd suggest taking a personal retreat--maybe a weekend alone somewhere--and use your time off the internet to brainstorm a list of things you've always wanted to do (painting, travel to x, skydiving, learning a language etc), and things that will result in "giving back" and/or a "good life" in retirement, however defined (volunteering, community engagement, taking time to meet your neighbors, etc). Ideally, how do you envision yourself 10 years from now? Then, you can do what you want with this list but it may provide some insight as you move forward about your deepest desires and goals. Now is the time to consider working toward them.

[luckydude]

Quote:

Originally Posted by vafoodie It's been over a year now since I retired from teaching, and I'm still feeling lost. My husband also just retired and is all giddy about being retired, but I'm desperately missing a work family and a routine. The year after I retired, I subbed, tutored, and worked for another education adjacent company, but the summer finds me sitting around feeling useless. All the decluttering I should be doing just remains undone. The routine I want for myself is to get up, tidy for a solid couple of hours, go to the gym, read for a few hours, cook dinner, watch some tv. What I usually do is get up and doom scroll the day away, maybe go to the gym (getting better with that), worry about stupid stuff. Any words of advice or encouragement?

I've been retired for 7 years now. Aside from some family/kids related stuff, I have a lot of free time and I find that setting goals for things I enjoy helps bring some structure to my daily schedule and makes me more disciplined.

For example, I love mountain biking, so I have a goal to ride xxx miles with xxxxx ft of elevation gains every month. I love literature, so I set a goal to finish x number of books a year. I love to play musical instruments, so I identify pieces that I want to learn. I love to travel, so I set goal to visit country x this year and country y the next and enjoy doing all the trip planning. Then there are other things like lifting weight x times a week, running x miles a month or exploring new trails every month, etc.

I will "reward" myself when I hit certain goals: so, I'll have days when I sleep in and do nothing (and not feel guilty about it), or go to the local bookstore and spend a few hours just browsing titles and magazines, or try out new restaurants, or just go to the local coffee shop for a latte, sit outside and watch the world go by, etc.

So, I recommend that you find something you enjoy doing, set goals for them, and stick to a schedule/regimen. That will help give you more purpose and motivation.

[EastWest Gal]

Try actually starting the decluttering. Listen to music, podcasts, or audiobooks while decluttering. Just take a small area and start. I started with one closet at a time. Or one pile of papers, or one drawer. Decluttering is boring. The audio input makes it easier to stick with it.

Volunteer somewhere. Red Cross, Meals on Wheels, your local historical society, the library. Our local library has lots of activities and opportunities. Volunteer at a community theater. They need people to run the box office, sell refreshments at intermission, construct and paint sets as well as tear them down.

[levindb]

As a teacher, you probably had to develop a plan for the school year. The topics you wanted to cover, what order to teach them, and decide what work will be done in class vs at home.
Try to put together a similar plan for the coming year...your home is the classroom, and you (and spouse?) are the students. Keep things broad for the year, but add more details for each month as they get closer. Add a lot of detail for what you will be doing next week. What do you want to accomplish in Sep/Oct? What are the goals for the year?
You have tremendous experience in education...use that strength to create an exciting/rewarding year for yourself. Once you get motivated on this first year, start a rough plan for your second year from what you learned in year one.
Make your retirement the BEST TIME OF YOUR LIFE!!!

[Markola]

There’s nothing wrong with finding a job. Everyone needs help right now and, rather than money, OP could aim for an org that comes with a work family she wants.

[Lucie]

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. I think it is important for people to distinguish whether they are feeling sad, grief, depressed or just unmotivated. Teaching is one of the careers that is often strongly tied to identity (like medicine, law enforcement, etc). Transition to retirement is both exciting, but can also create a sense of loss for many people. Loss can result in grieving (loss of identity, structure, "work family" etc.). Also, too much unstructured/free time can result in boredom and lack of motivation. You've identified some of the things you miss about work. Engage in some goal setting to replace those things and add motivation and fulfillment to your life.

[Koolau]

The things that make me sad, loss of friends/relatives, loss of health, interpersonal relation issues, etc., have all been helped by being retired in my case. I have more time to deal with issues and fewer distractions. There have been a few times when I was almost bored, but I got over it quickly. Other than that, retirement has been virtually all positive. I think vafoodie needs to explore more opportunities for people interactions, but I am NOT an expert on such things since I'm off-the-scale introvert. So YMMV.

[clifp]

I'm going on year 23 of early retirement. The last 3 years have mentally been the toughest with Covid, the craziness in Washington and the world. Volunteering can definitely help, but I really think having a more normal environment will help everyone.

[PG_Photo_Gal]

I have been retired since November 2021. I found the transition a bit tough at first. I felt like I was at loose ends, like I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing. I set myself a goal of doing one productive thing per day. It could be something small like a load of laundry, but as long as I did one thing, the rest of the day was mine to do as I pleased. It helped quite a bit. Now, at the nine month mark, I'm still not sure I have this retirement thing dialed in, but at least I am content most of the time.

[SALTedOut]

Quote:

Originally Posted by vafoodie Thanks! The volunteering part is definitely a missing piece in my retirement puzzle. My husband and I are looking into helping with Meals on Wheels. This looks like a great option too. Helping out in KY would be great as we have family from there.

I started doing MOW about a year after my retirement. I delivered one day a week and offered to occasionally substitute for drivers who were sick/vacation, etc. After about 6 months I picked up a second day and a year later now doing three days.

The deliveries take me about 2 hours door to door but I also go the gym after I finish. The gym is very close to the MOW pick up location so that encourages me to go. So all in all it takes up about 3-3.5 hours out of my day.

I've met some very nice people. Some of them want to chat for a few minutes when I drop off their food, while some of them just want the food delivered and close their door promptly. They are all 20-30 years older than me.

I find it very fulfilling.

[Midpack]

Quote:

Originally Posted by pacergal Have you read Ernie Zelinski book "How to Retire Happy, Wild and Free"? It has a great exercise in the Get A Life tree exercise to explore all of the things you may want to do or have wanted to do in the past.

+1. I did the Get-A-Life Tree exercise before I retired, it was the missing piece that gave me the peace of mind to actually retire. With about 15 minutes work, and some follow up in the days that followed - I realized there were at least 50 things I wanted to do! More than I could ever get to. All you need is one piece of paper and a pen. Someone else’s example below, do your own!

Second, DW and I decided we’d say yes to everything for a change. We’re always up to meet new people, if it doesn’t lead to a relationship, we’ve lost nothing. When we get invited to anything, we go. When we want to try a new activity, restaurant, live theater, concert, sports event, whatever - we do it. If it doesn’t work out, so what? Beats watching TV or moping around.



https://www.wesmoss.com/news/wes-mos...in-retirement/

Quote:

If you don’t have many hobbies or what I call “core pursuits,” you should try Ernie’s “Get a Life Tree” exercise: Step 1: Take out a blank piece of paper and a pen, and draw a medium-sized open circle to represent your retirement. Step 2: Draw out branches from the circle, and on each branch write down activities you enjoy right now. (Examples: golf, gardening, spending time with your grandkids) Step 3: Draw more branches, and write activities that you used to enjoy but for one reason or another have stopped doing. (Examples: volunteering, writing, singing in the church choir) Step 4: Now draw even more branches, and write down activities that you think you would enjoy. (Examples: traveling, learning a new language, joining a book club) Step 5: Last step, draw a few more branches, and write several physical activities that you think you would enjoy. (Examples: yoga, tennis, being the umpire for a little league team) While you hopefully have a lot of ideas written down now, keep in mind that Ernie and my research agree that not all activities in retirement are created equal. Social activities and activities that engage your mind make for happier retirees.